(no subject)
i'm tired of indefinitely feeling this way - indefinitely for the past two years... i guess this time of year is particularly difficult for me. but the bottom line is, i'm sick of it. i'm sick of not being able to move on, to get past it. i'm sick of not being able to look back at the past few years of my life and decide that it was well spent. i can't even read past entries of my journal without spiraling into some sort of introverted depressed state where i can't even talk about what's wrong because the people who understand what's going on are probably so tired of hearing about the same thing over and over. i'm also tired of feeling like my feelings are invalid just because they're two years old. i'm sick of not managing to overcome it with something far more important. i read in janelle's journal (janelle, -if you read this- sorry for not commenting on it, i meant to, it was a great quote!) this quote: "if you've really had your first true love, no one can ever hurt you like that again." and i think that's true. i think the reason it's true is because i'll probably never naively and without hesitation open myself to someone again. i'll never give them the chance to hurt me the same way michael did. and that's probably the only reason why nobody will hurt me like that again. the problem for me is that i don't ever see how i'm going to get over the pain of it regardless of whether future pain will be worse. but i suppose that because of the fact that nothing since has come even close, i can't really fairly decide that i'm not going to feel better about it at some point... it's just hard in the mean time to come to terms with perpetually feeling like there's never going to be anything better - anything good - to make a difference in my life. worse than thinking i'll never find someone, is thinking that i've found someone, and, well, it's easy to imagine how that turns out.
i'm tired of thinking. goodnight.
i'm tired of thinking. goodnight.