howd i end up here to begin with?
my emotions have been up, down, up, down. im unbalanced. ive found a little peace of mind in the last few days but it might be wearing off a bit.. im starting to feel a little disconnected from myself. i remember when i turned 20 i had this crazy anxiety feeling for like a month. then time just blurred. i fell off course or something.. its a sucky feeling but im starting to feel it a little bit. i dont know.. its like im just existing. nothing great is happening and i have nothing great to look forward to.
im not anyones significant other. i want to be in a relationship. i have my son and i have my best friends but i want my other half. i miss having someone. i dont like that the only thing missing is "the label" from what i think i have right now.. if thats the only thing missing whyy not just go for it? id give more than i do right now and thats a fucking lot. at least i think it is and its defffffinitely more than ive given in a longgg time.
but then again its me, and once i get what i want i dont want it anymore.. i dont want that to happen with this one. but i want someone who cares that that might happen and is willing to try to make me keep on wanting.
for instance,in the only reaal relationship ive had, i warned him that i was going to push him away and i would either be scared or not care and he told me he would try to make me care and comfortable ...
and even with this one, i remember him telling me he puts guards up, like we all do but im willing to wait it out or try to get to his heart.
see what i want is more than a physical relationship, though its so nice to have someone to do things with all the time because you like to be together.. what i want is someone that i can talk to about everything. someone who i can be me with. more than with my own best friend. someone i havent really gotten to be in a while. the physical stuff should just come with that. i want a deeper connection first.
im not sure if i have that... i think that i do.. i hope that i do.. but im not 100% sure.
maybe hes not as emotionally open as i am but if thats the case then maybe he isnt for me?
i dont want to doubt it because then it becomes "why are we dating"?
i like him. im not going to over think anymore but i want a boyfriend so im giving this an expiration date i suppose..
2 months is enough time for someone to know if they want to be with you or without you right??
im not saying we cant just be friends but if that was the case, yeah i dont know how that would work at this point.. this was a different situation.
why do i start what i cant finish?
in other news, im disappointed right now. adrian texted me yesterday.. he kinda seemed with a lot of urgency to see his son and keep him for the weekend but today adrian comes home.
i just wish adrian could be a dad. a real one. i dont even think if the guy was married he could ever be a good dad. it fucking sucks.
goddd i dont want to feel like this right now.
i need a smoke. yeah.. im done with this right now
why do i start what i cant finish?