everything you want, everything you need, everything inside of you that you wish you could be.
it's been awhile since i updated, but not much has changed since then. im still working 24|7 and not sleeping, it doesnt matter though, i've learned to deal with it. skipped class today and went out into the courtyard to think, i've come to the concleusion that i need to stop being so critical of myself, and i can't depend on any guy to make it any better. i need to learn to be more independant, to not attacth myself to people so fast. im so sick of feeling like this. i've been on medicine for almost four years now and nothing has changed, nothing. im sick of people talking shit about me, when they dont even know me, im sick of people telling me that they care about me and they'll always be there for me, 9 out 10 most of those people seem to disapear when i really need them. im sick of being walked all over like im some inamiate object, im a fucking person and i have a heart stop smashing it into walls. i fucking hate people, i fucking hate our school.
mom's test came back bad again. her cholestrol and blood pressure are up and her kidney functions are down. basically it could be any day now that she could end up on dialysis. my sisters arent helping, they just keep making it worse. they dont realize that by making her upset they're in so many words killing her. im scared; what happens when she finally does kick the bucket? what will happen then? how will it affect me? where will i go? i wanna do my best to make however long she's got left the best, but im not sure how. im trying my hardest in school to make her proud, and i try my best to keep her from yelling. [for those of you who know my mom, know that's like keep a vultager from a dead animal], it's impossible but im trying. i've always hated my moms guts, and still resent her for so many things, but the thought of loseing her kills me inside, it just brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. im scared, someone help me.
mom's test came back bad again. her cholestrol and blood pressure are up and her kidney functions are down. basically it could be any day now that she could end up on dialysis. my sisters arent helping, they just keep making it worse. they dont realize that by making her upset they're in so many words killing her. im scared; what happens when she finally does kick the bucket? what will happen then? how will it affect me? where will i go? i wanna do my best to make however long she's got left the best, but im not sure how. im trying my hardest in school to make her proud, and i try my best to keep her from yelling. [for those of you who know my mom, know that's like keep a vultager from a dead animal], it's impossible but im trying. i've always hated my moms guts, and still resent her for so many things, but the thought of loseing her kills me inside, it just brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. im scared, someone help me.