I tend to rant in the dead of night.
As per usual I'd like to preface this entry by reiterating that I hesitate to say anything containing even a remote tinge of angst. I abhor appearing as though I live for validation. For various reasons, I am programmed to shy away from action/emotion that could cause me to seem weak, typical teenager, or starved for attention. My fear of being weak I think stems in part from various subliminal socializations following my parent's divorce. For example: You are not strong until you learn to be completely independent; you are not brave unless you face yr obstacles alone; you don't have to entirely reject what causes you pain as long as you can keep it to yrself; problems are not to be seen or heard; you can never completely trust anyone; even people you think love you the most have the ability to fuck you over.
Basically I write because I have to, not for attentions or sympathies. The fact that I feel it necessary to excuse my own emotions &opinions pretty much indicts itself as pathetic in nature. But whatever, I'm notoriously the Queen of Overkill. However, the lamentation worthy of this über-intro is simple.
I don't like myself.
Not only dislike, but disgust myself.
I'm confused. I'm a brat. I'm indecisive. I'm ungrateful.
I'm impossible. I'm orchestrated. I'm closed off.
I'm irresponsible. I'm stupid. I'm failing. I'm lost.
&quite honestly, I don't know how this ends.