Still alive.

Sep 02, 2006 09:41

Hey all,

I'm still around. More or less OK, though not quite at my usual best.

I'm taking a break from The X-Dream (http://www.thexdream.com) for the weekend. Aside from the fact that I have to work, it's just not any fun right now.

This particular issue came a couple of weeks ago, a while after I first got into Wicca. Yup, 'Yama's a real-life witch now. So far my spellwork has had about a 60-70% success rate, but even the ones that didn't work the way I meant them to have all done SOMETHING.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was at work, and I got a phone call from a Washington area code I didn't recognize. I pick up the phone, and it's my father.

I don't make a habit of sharing this, but I don't have the best relationship with my father. His last words to me 9 years ago were:

"I don't care if I have to fucking kill you. I put you into this world, I can take you out."

I was 15, so I think he was ranting about school, and my grandmother had just died, so I can understand his emotional state, but NO ONE should talk to their son that way, I don't care what you've been through.

Over the intervening years, I never saw or heard from him once. Rumors flew, of course: he was homeless in Stockton, he was dead, he was living in Las Vegas...

I didn't find out the truth till he called me a couple of weeks ago. Turned out he'd been living back and forth between Seattle, WA and Las Vegas, NV, scraping together a living as a security guard. The job fits him. He's normally got all the warmth and personality of a slab of granite, and the stereotypical redhead's temper to match. The only thing I ever saw him get excited over was flying. He loved to fly, and he loved tings that flew. Rockets and kites were his big passions, and he wants to go to school (at 49, mind you) to become an airline dispatcher. I'd support him in this, except that I think he'll probably wash out. He's washed out of everything else he's done, after all. Maybe age has mellowed him...he seemed a lot calmer when talking on the phone than I'd ever heard him.

But even knowing all this, and having the closure in my life of forgiving him for his words to me, something's still off. I've been short on energy lately, ever since the talk with him, and it's hard to focus, even on something I enjoy as much as I usually enjoy X-Dream.

I'm starting to think I drew energy from my resentment of my father, as bad as that sounds. Without that...where do I go for strength?

Other than that, everything's pretty much the same. Blah blah work, blah blah video games, blah blah D&D.
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