Ghosts
I'm not sure if I've written about it here, but my cat died this Christmas. Technically, she did not just randomly die - the tumour in her breast has started bleeding so my mother consulted my veterinarian aunt why said it was best to put her down. So on Christmas day the whole family + my boyfriend went off to a local veterinarian to have her killed. She didn't want to die and struggled until the end, but I kept holding her still, patting her as her movements finally slowed. The veterinarian said that it would be like going to sleep, but her eyes were open.
That's not the story though.
The thing is that I'm half expecting her to come back. I don't believe in ghosts or a life after death, but I still expect her to show up one day as I walk up the hill to my parents' house. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it - I miss her, but I also killed her and I'm a little worried that if she were to come back she might not forgiven me. But I still say hello to her now and then in the mornings and evenings when I see the candle on her grave. Perhaps I'll stop feeling like she's present once the summer comes and a candle doesn't shine as brightly any more.
Sometimes I even imagine I see her. Today, I was convinced that I saw her standing under the tree with the bird feeder and was just about to point her out to my dad when I realised that she is dead and that it was probably just my imagination. Other days I have seen a shadow meeting me as I got home from work: never close enough to work out what it, just a movement in the darkness.
Her youngest son has changed his behaviour as well. He didn't use to come out to say hello as I got home, but about a week ago he came to meet her just like she used to; rolling around happily in front of my feet just like she used to. Maybe there is a rational explanation. Maybe there isn't. Maybe I should re-evaluate my conviction that ghosts do not exist. I just wish I knew if she has forgiven me.
That's not the story though.
The thing is that I'm half expecting her to come back. I don't believe in ghosts or a life after death, but I still expect her to show up one day as I walk up the hill to my parents' house. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it - I miss her, but I also killed her and I'm a little worried that if she were to come back she might not forgiven me. But I still say hello to her now and then in the mornings and evenings when I see the candle on her grave. Perhaps I'll stop feeling like she's present once the summer comes and a candle doesn't shine as brightly any more.
Sometimes I even imagine I see her. Today, I was convinced that I saw her standing under the tree with the bird feeder and was just about to point her out to my dad when I realised that she is dead and that it was probably just my imagination. Other days I have seen a shadow meeting me as I got home from work: never close enough to work out what it, just a movement in the darkness.
Her youngest son has changed his behaviour as well. He didn't use to come out to say hello as I got home, but about a week ago he came to meet her just like she used to; rolling around happily in front of my feet just like she used to. Maybe there is a rational explanation. Maybe there isn't. Maybe I should re-evaluate my conviction that ghosts do not exist. I just wish I knew if she has forgiven me.