Lost..
And come to think of it your not even mad, your just irritated. But when you think about that, your not even irritated, or upset, or pissy, you just are in this bad mood that has no discription. And for the life of you you can't seem to get out of it. You feign smiles, hoping that will help to lighten your disposition, but it only seems to drag you down deeper into the void. The past two days have been like that and I really don't know why. I just want to hide. I just get over-whelmed by this negative energy as soon as ryan walks through the door, and I have no reason for it. I made dinner last night, and I had the plates all set, the pasta served and covered with sauce, the garlic bread positioned to the sides of the plate.. And I waited for about 5mins before she came home. I might have been stressing about the food being cold when she got there, but it was still warm and tasty. I had planned to give her a great big hug and kiss, and just love on her when she walked in the door, but she was on the phone. Denied. So I think thats when it started to consume me again. I had it all planned out that I wasn't going to go down that path again, but I did anyway. So after that the rest of the night I was quiet and distant. She asked me what was wrong and I said I don't know, She asked what was bothering me and I said I don't know. I totally agree that there is something wrong and I'm not acting right, and she just kept making these little hand gestures like "whatever". So shit on working things out I guess. Making little hand gestures and rolling your eyes because you don't understand doesn't exactly make me feel that comfortable trying to talk things out. So she got mad, and went up stairs to do her online thing and take care of the boy and put him to bed. I finished watching an episode of American Dad that I happened to record, and then went up to bed and proceeded to just lay there and stare at the t.v., which was spewing forth SpongeBob episodes that I have already seen half a dozen times already. But I just laid there and let the cartoon antic's stain my mind further. Ryan moved her hand to my chest in the "hold me" gesture, so I held her hand. Soon I let go and went to the bathroom to urinate. Came back and laid and tried to be more of myself by rubbing her arm. She just laid there. After a while I grew annoyed with that, feeling my efforts once again failing, and rolled over as well. Facing away from her. Her away from me. I just laid there stairing at the remotes, listening to the cartoon now. Eventually I had to get up to piss again in which I hear the boy get up and jump to the bed. Ryan was already sleeping and Nycholas was trying to perch himself on her pillow above her head. I picked him up and told him that he's going to be sleeping in his bed, and he needs to stay there. I'm sure I said it a little strictly. Not necessary. I laid back down and watched/listened to about another half of an episode and turned it off. The boy doesn't go to sleep while the tv is on, contrary to popular belief. So I turned the radio on, but the volume way down so as almost in-audible. Rolled back over into a semi comfortable position and forced the wheels in my mind to grind to a halt. I had the shittiest dreams. Over and over and over again. I would wake up and fall right back into them as soon as my eye's closed. I tossed and turned. At one point I woke up facing Ryan and just felt this over-whelming disqusted feeling consume me. I don't know where that came from. I flopped over and fell back to sleep. Later waking up facing her again, and thinking how beautiful she looked sleeping. So I kissed her on the fore-head and fell back to sleep again. I woke up the the tappity tap of the keyboard. Ryan was online again, like she is every morning when she wakes up. One of the first things she does. After smoking a cigarette normally. It kind if annoys me, but I have no real reason why it should, or would. It just does. I guess I feel like she get's more out of the computer, than she does me. Which at the moment isn't far from the truth. I woke up to her tickling my foot. The boy climbed up on me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, at Ryan's motivation. So the rest of the morning was a lite version of last night. Kind of the same with the "are you mad at me?" "Do you not like me anymore?" questions. But not so angry. When she was leaving she asked if I was going to be in a better mood when she got home. I simply said that I'll try. I dont' know why I'm in a bad mood to begin with, so to fix it is kinda difficult when you don't know what's wrong. Life is fun.