the sirens call.
"I've seen a hint of it; this happiness, this bliss
Just knowing it exists, I know that I must try.
And I've caught a glimpse of it
One moment, just one kiss, from a corner of my eye
Of better days gone by.
I can almost taste happiness."
It's not perfect, but it never has been.
Luke, waking to see Reid sleeping next to him, lets a tear slip out.
Maybe it's sadness, maybe it's relief, maybe it's a culmination of the last months that have felt like nothing else on earth.
Reid, waking to find Luke crying again, reaches out a hand and brushes it away. Because he knows too, what life was like without Luke. He knows what it's like to come home to emptiness, to no one on the couch and nothing in the fridge. He knows what it's like to have that moment every day where you wonder if there's any point carrying on, if there's no one there to witness it.
“I'm so sorry.” Luke whispers, over and over. It's nothing he hasn't said before, it's nothing he hasn't screamed out into the darkness and waited for the echo to punch him in the gut with it's silence. But this time feels different. Maybe because Reid is here, tangible and real and scared and alive. But maybe it's because the weight of his apology has been crushing him and if he doesn't say it out loud, he's terrified there'll be nothing left to give to Reid. Nothing left to prove to him that they're worth more.
“I know.” Reid replies, and he can't bring his eyes to meet Luke's the way he used to. He supposes it's temporary. He hopes it's temporary. “I know.”
“I'll never - Reid, I -” Luke starts, but where do you find the words? When someone has let you back into their life after you discarded them so carelessly, where do you find the words to breathe out against their skin to make them understand that everything you do from that point on will be an act of contrition. Everything will be about making it right again, even if you never can.
“I'm not worried about that.” Reid answers honestly, because he's not. Not anymore, not since the initial hurt wore off and he saw the anguish painted across Luke's face. He's not worried that Luke will make the same mistake again, “I'm worried that I can't get past this. Even when I want to. And you have to know, I want to.”
“I do.” Luke affirms, nodding quickly and sniffling loudly. “I do, and I'm so grateful. I'm worried too."
Luke gently moves towards him, bringing a hand up and gingerly wrapping it around the back of Reid's head. The familiar gesture comforts them both, but Reid falters for a moment wondering if this was how Luke touched him. He knows it shouldn't, that if they're going to get past this and if they're going to get better he has to learn how to overcome it. But he can't help but feel their love has been damaged somehow, like it's used goods and maybe he'll never truly want it again. Even when he wants to want it.
Even when he's trying so hard to want it.
"It's not going to be easy." Luke speaks quietly, like talking too loudly will ruin everything. Somehow ruin everything more than he already has. "But I'm in this. You and me, right?"
"Right."
"And remember what it was like, when we were happy? Remember how good that was?"
"I thought we were happy before you..."
"We were. I just didn't realise it. I just didn't realise that our boring, everyday life, is everything that I could ever want. I'm not going to forget that. And I'm not going to forget what I did, and I don't want you to either. We have to remember it."
"Why?"
"There are always tough chapters before you get to the end of the story."
And maybe this was just one of theirs.