Chat
[16:55] Halome: Soooooooo
[16:55] Halome: I fucked up
[16:55] Halome: Real bad.
[16:55] Eden: I heard.
[16:55] Halome: Oh?
[16:55] Eden: mug doesn't keep things from me.
[16:56] Eden: I already got chewed out.
[16:56] Halome: Oh I wasn't referring to that, but that too lol
[16:56] Eden: oh
[16:56] Halome: What did mug say?
[16:56] Eden: Then what's wrong?
[16:56] Eden: That someone sent complaints about profanity and inapp. conversation in the circle
[16:57] Eden: and then he got the ss today and yeah.
[16:57] Halome: Yeah it was Sahae.
[16:57] Eden: He said it was bad and that he's lost a lot of respect for the geos.
[16:57] Eden: That's why I'm so :// today.
[16:57] Halome: :/
[16:57] Eden: anyways.
[16:58] Eden: I told him all we can do is realize our mistakes and build on them.
[16:58] Halome: Ok, well.. I'm a really jealous person when it comes to my boyfriend. And that's not really healthy and I realize that now.. But Um.. If there's anything that might make me lose him it's aparently me.
[16:58] Halome: I fucked up really badly.
[16:59] Halome: Have you read any of my LJ posts lately?
[16:59] Eden: No
[16:59] Eden: should I?
[16:59] Halome: Well, to sum them up, after he moved out I started freaking out thinking he was going to break up with me for someone else.
[17:00] Halome: I checked his phone, and one night he left his email up and I found an email the girl wrote to him and it had a picture of her in it with one of her friends from work.. I know the friend because I used to work with her too.
[17:00] Halome: Well Like a dumbass I saved the picture to my desktop and forgot to delete it after I saw it.
[17:01] Halome: He knew I went through his phone, but now he thinks I know his email password and that's upsetting him because he doesn't think he can trust me anymore.
[17:01] Halome: And yeah that was so incredibly stupid of me. I should have known I could trust him. I just..
[17:02] Halome: I don't know, I was scared. I was freaking out.
[17:03] Halome: I don't want to lose him, and all the things I was trying to do to try to find a way to keep him is what is going to push him away from me.
[17:03] Eden: Well that's not as bad as I was expecting honestly, I half expected you were going to tell me you went out with someone else or even worse slept with someone else.
[17:03] Eden: So yes I believe this is fixable.
[17:04] Halome: Haha, I could never sleep with someone else. Even the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. Michaels the only person I could ever be with.
[17:05] Eden: I think he should be able to understand that you were afraid and that people in general do lots of stuff when they get afraid and deperate.
[17:05] Eden: It's human nature
[17:05] Eden: I'm sure you've told him this?
[17:06] Halome: Yeah, but the reason he's upset with me now is because I did something like this once before. I went through some files he had on some discs (which he didn't even know he had because his A drive has been busted for years), and I found some pictures of his ex and her friend and I freaked out about that.
[17:06] Halome: I later realized he really didn't know he had those still.
[17:06] Halome: I don't know why I couldn't just realize that I could trust him.
[17:06] Halome: And now he can't trust me.
[17:07] Halome: I think that's what hurts most of all.
[17:07] Eden: I understand.
[17:07] Halome: I wish there was something I could do or say to fix things.
[17:07] Halome: Change the fact that I was being stupid.
[17:09] Eden: Well the only thing that trust can be built on is time. I think over time hopefully he will cool off and let you back in little by little, the only thing you can do is put your heart out there and show him how much you care and how much you want things to work even if he pays you no mind for a while.
[17:09] Eden: We all have our faults and crutches, I honestly probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.
[17:10] Eden: I don't know what to tell you otherwise, it's hard to just magically change the person you are.
[17:11] Eden: We can't be perfect, and that's part of love is accepting the person's faults.
[17:11] Halome: That's the thing though... I feel rediculous because that's not how I remember myself being in the past.
[17:11] Halome: I never used to be obsessive like that. I mean, I was obsessed with him yeah, haha. I still am.
[17:11] Eden: Well, maybe you just love him more now than ever before.
[17:11] Halome: But not to the point where I would freak out and have a panic attack over something so little.
[17:12] Halome: Maybe I do :/
[17:12] Halome: Maybe all this has pushed me to realize what I really might lose here.
[17:13] Halome: I felt desperate.
[17:13] Eden: It makes sense.
[17:13] Halome: I think Nexus might have played a pretty big role in our problems.
[17:14] Eden: Really?
[17:14] Halome: I remember him saying to me, before I was ascended as Elder, "Now you're not going to have any time, are you?"
[17:14] Eden: Honestly it's been throwing a wrench in my relationship too.
[17:14] Eden: That's why I'm taking my LOA.
[17:15] Halome: His best friend used to play Nexus, and had a cousin or something that was a Primogen and he said that as soon as he stepped down, he just said "fuck this" and hasn't been back because of how much stress it put on him.
[17:16] Halome: I want Rhew to get on so I can pass over this Eldership and get this responsibility of my shoulders already.
[17:17] Halome: I feel bad because it's like I'm abandoning, and I love everyone and I love the path, but that love can't replace Michael.
[17:17] Eden: What you've got to remember is as much as you love the path you have to make sure you're happy otherwise Nexus just becomes a pit
[17:17] Eden: and you stay there because you don't want to face your real life because it just gets worseand worse
[17:18] Halome: Haha, I've noticed T_T
[17:18] Eden: I wish I could take that advice.
[17:18] Eden: I'm trying.
[17:18] Halome: Daniel needs to get off WoW too, and you guys need to like, go take a walk in the park or something, haha.
[17:18] Eden: Yes.
[17:19] Halome: It's sad, while I was so involved with Nexus I pushed away all of my other interests. The interests that Michael and I shared together. And because I pushed them away he's got this impression that I was never interested in them at all.
[17:19] Eden: I know what you mean.
[17:20] Eden: Daniel and I used to go out to eat all the time, we went bowling, alll this stuff.
[17:20] Eden: Now we haven't been out in months.
[17:21] Halome: We used to go shooting and stuff, but he hasn't taken me in over a year because he thinks I get annoyed by it or something. So he goes with his friend Will. Even though I've asked to go with.
[17:21] Halome: He feels like I'm just going it to do it, not because I actually want to.
[17:21] Eden: Aww.
[17:21] Halome: doing it*
[17:23] Halome: Yesterday I had to take 1/3rd of a percocet just to get to sleep, that's how badly my mind was racing and worring. Then last night we talked, I got my stuff off me. He was upset about the phone thing, but I felt better because he reasured me. I knew I could trust him.
[17:23] Eden: That's good.
[17:24] Halome: Then he called me today after he woke up. He's been using my computer because he doesn't have the internet, and that's when he found the picture on my desktop and asked about the email.
[17:25] Halome: And it just made me feel even worse. I did that before we had our talk. I know I can trust him, but it kills me to know that he doesn't believe me that I wont do that kind of thing again.
[17:26] Halome: Raaawwwwwrr. I want to disconnect my internet at home. He was going to keep it for me, but ugh it's just so not worth it. There's more interesting things on TV, I think I'll keep cable. I can say hi to people at work.
[17:27] Eden: I think it'd be worth the try.
[17:28] Eden: At least for a little while.
[17:28] Eden: Try to find a place you can be happy.
[17:28] Halome: Yeah.
[17:28] Halome: Why can't you live near here again? :P
[17:28] Halome: I'd go bowling with you :(
[17:29] Eden: haha
[17:29] Eden: it would be nice B)
[17:29] Halome: Thank you for letting me get all that off my chest.
[17:30] Eden: My pleasure.