Depression and something like it.
A good many years ago, I wrote an entry about my depression. I took it down a few days later, due to the lack of understanding by friends that I had at that time. It was a very lonely period in my life. A time that would rather never experience again. But I fear that I'm heading down the same path again. So I will write about it again. This time older, and since I honestly don't know if anyone reads this, I'm hoping that I won't have the same issue again. If this comes out good, I'll post in on my blog as well. Since this is a reason why I don't write. Oh... I'm talking about depression so.... trigger warning.
I have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and moderate general anxiety disorder. This diagnosis came about five years ago, and at a very dark and lonely time in my life. Not only did I feel totally alone, but those around me did not know how to act, or what to do. They didn't know how to deal with it. And unfortunately, it only served to make things worse.
Generally, I have found that when I'm depressed it helps me to be able to talk about it. That was the great thing about therapists. They are paid to listen to you. You can talk to them, and sometimes, if they are helpful, you can usually work out what it is that is making you feel that way, or come up with a strategy to help cope with whatever it is. But sometimes, they are not so helpful. The therapists that I personally found to be not helpful were the ones that tried to offer advice on how to cope. Or to be positive. The worst was the one that told me, "God has a plan for everything." Really? First, I'm really not religious, so that's not going to help, and if I was, that would have seriously turned me off from religion.
Needless to say, I stopped therapy.
As of right now, I cannot afford a therapist. I cannot afford antidepressants that I feel that I really need. I cannot afford to see a doctor. I did the one thing that I was told not to do, make a major change without being under a doctors care. See, I moved from New Hampshire, the place that I lived my whole life, to North Carolina. I am finding that I cannot cope with this. Not only do I not have any way of keeping the routines that I had set up for myself, I do not know anyone down here. So I stay in my room. A lot. I also live with my grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But there is a generation gap and I do not think they could even begin to understand. And listening to them trash my generation doesn't help much either. Because of the fact that they couldn't begin to understand the issues that we now face.
Again, I find myself alone, and there is no one around who understands.
At times, I feel like there is no one who can help me. I feel like my parents don't understand. I get the impression that they think that this is something that I can just snap out of. It's hard to talk to them because I think that they just don't want to hear it. I don't blame them because they have their own problems to deal with. But aren't your parents supposed to always be there? I know they mean well, it just feels like they are trying to make what I feel seem trivial. Like my feelings just don't matter.
And I find myself wondering if I just don't matter.
I have to ask, why does it seem that people keep saying that I need to go to church or pray or know Jesus? I feel like those people don't really know me. Because if they did, they would know that I do have a spiritual side and my spiritual needs are being fulfilled. It's just not their beliefs. I truly believe that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, meaning, the Creator made me this way. And I just need to learn how to cope.
It's my spirituality that has kept me here.
One of the worst side effects of my depression is my inability to write when it swings from the 'moderate' to the 'severe'. It's like all of a sudden a block goes up. It goes up and suddenly my brain disconnects. I have all these ideas in my head and I just cannot get them out. My hands won't cooperate with anything that my brain wants them to do. I spend a lot of time staring at blank walls, paper, computer monitors, etc.
It eats my life away and I can do nothing but stand by and watch.
I spend a lot of time being scared. I'm so scared that one day this will get to me. That I will give up completely, and what scares me the most is that sometimes, I'm okay with the thought of giving up completely. It's hard to have hope when currently, you can't find anything that holds any meaning to you.
It's also painful. Like, it hurts in ways that I could not even begin to adequately put into words. The pain just ripples throughout my entire body. It's like my nerves are hyperactive or something, and there's pressure all over. Sometimes I hurt so much, I wish I had something to puncture the skin over the area in hopes that it would release some of the pressure. And it hurts in my brain. It's hard to describe, I just don't have the words to describe it. But it also feels like the lights have been turned off and the switch has been removed.
Some days I don't want to get out of bed.
And some days, it's worth trying. Because if you can't find a reason to try, then you've lost the battle. And I'm too stubborn to lose the battle. Not right now.
I apologize for the lack of LJ - Cut if this really bothers you... let me know and I will add one.
I have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and moderate general anxiety disorder. This diagnosis came about five years ago, and at a very dark and lonely time in my life. Not only did I feel totally alone, but those around me did not know how to act, or what to do. They didn't know how to deal with it. And unfortunately, it only served to make things worse.
Generally, I have found that when I'm depressed it helps me to be able to talk about it. That was the great thing about therapists. They are paid to listen to you. You can talk to them, and sometimes, if they are helpful, you can usually work out what it is that is making you feel that way, or come up with a strategy to help cope with whatever it is. But sometimes, they are not so helpful. The therapists that I personally found to be not helpful were the ones that tried to offer advice on how to cope. Or to be positive. The worst was the one that told me, "God has a plan for everything." Really? First, I'm really not religious, so that's not going to help, and if I was, that would have seriously turned me off from religion.
Needless to say, I stopped therapy.
As of right now, I cannot afford a therapist. I cannot afford antidepressants that I feel that I really need. I cannot afford to see a doctor. I did the one thing that I was told not to do, make a major change without being under a doctors care. See, I moved from New Hampshire, the place that I lived my whole life, to North Carolina. I am finding that I cannot cope with this. Not only do I not have any way of keeping the routines that I had set up for myself, I do not know anyone down here. So I stay in my room. A lot. I also live with my grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But there is a generation gap and I do not think they could even begin to understand. And listening to them trash my generation doesn't help much either. Because of the fact that they couldn't begin to understand the issues that we now face.
Again, I find myself alone, and there is no one around who understands.
At times, I feel like there is no one who can help me. I feel like my parents don't understand. I get the impression that they think that this is something that I can just snap out of. It's hard to talk to them because I think that they just don't want to hear it. I don't blame them because they have their own problems to deal with. But aren't your parents supposed to always be there? I know they mean well, it just feels like they are trying to make what I feel seem trivial. Like my feelings just don't matter.
And I find myself wondering if I just don't matter.
I have to ask, why does it seem that people keep saying that I need to go to church or pray or know Jesus? I feel like those people don't really know me. Because if they did, they would know that I do have a spiritual side and my spiritual needs are being fulfilled. It's just not their beliefs. I truly believe that my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, meaning, the Creator made me this way. And I just need to learn how to cope.
It's my spirituality that has kept me here.
One of the worst side effects of my depression is my inability to write when it swings from the 'moderate' to the 'severe'. It's like all of a sudden a block goes up. It goes up and suddenly my brain disconnects. I have all these ideas in my head and I just cannot get them out. My hands won't cooperate with anything that my brain wants them to do. I spend a lot of time staring at blank walls, paper, computer monitors, etc.
It eats my life away and I can do nothing but stand by and watch.
I spend a lot of time being scared. I'm so scared that one day this will get to me. That I will give up completely, and what scares me the most is that sometimes, I'm okay with the thought of giving up completely. It's hard to have hope when currently, you can't find anything that holds any meaning to you.
It's also painful. Like, it hurts in ways that I could not even begin to adequately put into words. The pain just ripples throughout my entire body. It's like my nerves are hyperactive or something, and there's pressure all over. Sometimes I hurt so much, I wish I had something to puncture the skin over the area in hopes that it would release some of the pressure. And it hurts in my brain. It's hard to describe, I just don't have the words to describe it. But it also feels like the lights have been turned off and the switch has been removed.
Some days I don't want to get out of bed.
And some days, it's worth trying. Because if you can't find a reason to try, then you've lost the battle. And I'm too stubborn to lose the battle. Not right now.
I apologize for the lack of LJ - Cut if this really bothers you... let me know and I will add one.