a rant....complaining about jono...myself. feel free to disregard...everyone else does
my live journal is my haven. in xanga, people that know jono know my jounal...even a few know my secret journal, the stuff i post that would make some people cringe. no one on here talks to him...except for tina and i don't think she has any interest telling him, haha.
a week a go, maybe a little bit more jono and i got into a significant fight. significant in the fact that i realize he dosn't have a clue what depression means. he dosn't realize i don't have to have a reason to be unhappy or down. and he screamed, not yelled but screamed at me because of it. he said he didn't want to know how depression worked...and that's hard. thats hard cause i don't know when it will hit and i'm sick of faking a smile whenever i'm around him or on the phone. i don't WANT to be happy when i'm like that,and he makes me. well...he doesn't make me but it makes it easier. its just frustrating. i stopped so much for him...the least he could do is TRY to understand my condition. its taken so much will power to stop cutting, and taking diet pills and start eating. its taken not will power but just time to stop smoking (pot and cigarettes) i've TOTALLY turned around for him and he wont even attempt to understand this...i don't know disease? condition? disorder?? i have to deal with on a daily basis.
another thing. maybe i'm sick of pretending i like the way i look. i hate having to bite my tongue when someone says 'oh you've lost weight you look so good' i'm down to 121. the scarey thing is i can't see it. i look the same as i did at 126...130...etc. that worries me. it worries me not because i can't see it. but because i want to. i want to be skinny so bad and pretty so bad. jono 'doesn't like skinny girls, they look like whores' well I WANT TO BE SKINNY. i'm not perfect...110...115...maybe 105 would be nice. skinny is perfection, skinny is beautiful
i want to be beautiful
a week a go, maybe a little bit more jono and i got into a significant fight. significant in the fact that i realize he dosn't have a clue what depression means. he dosn't realize i don't have to have a reason to be unhappy or down. and he screamed, not yelled but screamed at me because of it. he said he didn't want to know how depression worked...and that's hard. thats hard cause i don't know when it will hit and i'm sick of faking a smile whenever i'm around him or on the phone. i don't WANT to be happy when i'm like that,and he makes me. well...he doesn't make me but it makes it easier. its just frustrating. i stopped so much for him...the least he could do is TRY to understand my condition. its taken so much will power to stop cutting, and taking diet pills and start eating. its taken not will power but just time to stop smoking (pot and cigarettes) i've TOTALLY turned around for him and he wont even attempt to understand this...i don't know disease? condition? disorder?? i have to deal with on a daily basis.
another thing. maybe i'm sick of pretending i like the way i look. i hate having to bite my tongue when someone says 'oh you've lost weight you look so good' i'm down to 121. the scarey thing is i can't see it. i look the same as i did at 126...130...etc. that worries me. it worries me not because i can't see it. but because i want to. i want to be skinny so bad and pretty so bad. jono 'doesn't like skinny girls, they look like whores' well I WANT TO BE SKINNY. i'm not perfect...110...115...maybe 105 would be nice. skinny is perfection, skinny is beautiful
i want to be beautiful