thoughts on mindless death

[infinitemind]

A few thoughts.

1. Suicide is the most irresponsible, mindless, worthless endeavor any individual can achieve.
2. If you know someone that's commited suicide, they deserved that death. They do not deserve the slightest bit of sorrow or mourning you might have expressed on their behalf.
3. If i were ever dumb enough to off myself, i'd do it listening to rufus

Comments

[speedoflug]

When I tried to kill myself, I was genuinely convinced that I had gone crazy. A few days before I did it, I went to a 24-hour pharmacy to get a prescription filled for Risperdal, an anti-psychotic. I got the prescription filled at about 3 in the morning, because I was so scared that I couldn't wait until the next day and I just wanted to sleep so badly. Risperdal can put someone twice my weight to sleep *very* easily, and THAT DRUG didn't even help me. When an anti-psychotic had not helped me calm down, I truly was convinced that I was beyond insane. You cannot fathom what that felt like. I cannot remember most of it, it was so traumatic. That summer, I had visited two different emergency rooms, seen a therapist, a psychiatrist, and tried at least 2 SSRI antidepressants, 2 or 3 benzodiazepene tranquilizers (Xanax, Klonopin- a drug that can make people black out, didn't even get me to sleep, Ativan), 1 antipsychotic, and several OTC sedatives...that was just what I had tried prior to the attempt.

I usually have a very well-known reputation for being able to be drunk/pass out on sometimes just one beer. That summer I was drinking vodka straight from a water bottle and it had *NO* effect on me.

I wanted to sleep, so badly. I wanted out of the mental hell that I couldn't even SLEEP off. I can't even tell you what it is like, maybe I SOMEWHAT could if you have taken both DXM and Acid, and have had a really bad trip that lasted for several months.

I was truly convinced that I was not coming back, that I was one of the "special people" that you see in white gowns.

I felt that suicide was the only way out.

I would not have tried it, otherwise.

It wasn't that I was broken-hearted, down on my life, depressed, or anything else. It was that I was in SO MUCH MENTAL ANGUISH that NO ONE COULD TOUCH, that I absolutley could not bear it anymore.

When I woke up in the hospital I was somewhat disappointed, and for well over a year after the attempt I was still very disappointed. It did not get better. It sometimes got worse. I even had a one night stand that could have very easily been a rape or possible violent situation had I not been so god damn lucky. I didn't even know the person I was with. I was so fucked up in the head I actually walked out of my dorm, met some guy that was staying at a hotel seedier than you could ever imagine, and fucked him. Because the surge of horniness I had felt that night was THE ONLY FEELING I HAD HAD IN MONTHS.

In that situation, I don't blame anyone for wanting to kill themselves. Imagine the worst possible physical pain, and here was its mental equivalent. I don't think I deserved *that*, and IF I died, I would invite anyone to try to live through an HOUR of that mental hell before telling me I deserved to die.

Thank you.

Compassion, please.