[fic] nine crimes, 1/1
Title: Nine Crimes
Pairing: Kibum/Donghae/Eunhyuk
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Um. I don’t know. I wanted to write Kibum? And EunHae? Please don’t hate me. T___T
Word Count: 6500
Summary: They say home is where the heart is. Kibum doesn’t really think he has much of a heart anymore, so he just figures that his home is where Donghae is-the place where he last left it. (And whoever Donghae decides to share it with, he supposes.)
It is with much reluctance that he agrees.
And it’s not that Kibum doesn’t want to as much as he doesn’t know how to face them. They have always said that he’s still a part of the family, but he isn’t sure how much he’s really felt that-being a part of the family, he means. While the rest of them were joking around and laughing and flinging kimchi at each other, he was eating quietly, careful not to say something that would result in pickled vegetables in his face.
But they’re not nothing-because he felt the painful tug at his heart when he left, the faint notion that he was leaving behind something very important, something irreplaceably precious.
(But it’s not really leaving, he insists, because he plans to come back. Just not now-not when he hasn’t sorted himself out yet, hasn’t found where he belongs, hasn’t found out if he even belongs anywhere at all.)
Kim Kibum is actually much weaker than he lets on.
But maybe he’s learned. Maybe he’s found his place-discovered how the bits and pieces of his heart fit back together, and is leaping fearlessly back into what he has originally found so frightening. Super Junior, he thinks, is big-unfathomable and overflowing with love that he can’t comprehend. But he finds himself coming back.
“Now we’re all just a little more complete,” Jungsu says as he pats him on the shoulder, his smile small, but grateful and genuine.
“Not really,” Kibum says, trying to be nonchalant.
Jungsu gently pushes his head in a small scolding. “But more complete than before.”
Kibum was the first to break their original thirteen, but he’s also the first to begin fixing it.
-
“Why are you surprised?” Heechul asks flatly, brashly, when Kibum stares at Donghae and Hyukjae across from him at the dinner table, not talking but sitting awfully close, painfully close and arms touching and stealing the food from each other’s bowls (which is completely useless anyway because all of their food is the same, Kibum thinks with a touch of bitterness).
“I’m not surprised,” he replies, not missing a beat. “It’s creepy. Shiver-inducing.”
“Right,” Heechul says, and Kibum can just hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice. He ignores the faint ache in his heart. He doesn’t have a heart, he reminds himself. He lost it long ago.
Donghae-he doesn’t remember much of Donghae. Just bits and pieces, because that’s what memory does-it grows old and fades away to make way for new things to remember, for new habits to fall into. Kibum doesn’t particularly want to remember Donghae though, because whenever he thinks of him, there is a slight pang in his chest and he just wants to immerse himself in something that’ll make him forget.
(But raging hearts, heavy breaths, feelings so strong that he might burst-that’s what he does remember. That’s what he tries desperately not to.)
It’s a celebration, although Kibum doesn’t know why they’re over-exaggerating his return. He was only absent for one album-but the food is grand and the alcohol is plentiful and everyone is drinking and it’s a little sad how none of them really grew up.
It’s okay, though, he thinks. He’s grown up enough to make up for all of them.
-
It’s after midnight and the dorm is still a mess, but everyone has forgone cleaning for the night and has already sauntered back into their respective rooms. Kibum finds it terribly ironic how Jungsu told him that because Donghae and Hyukjae’s room is the biggest out of all of theirs, they can share it with him.
Kibum remembers the old days-remembers not sharing a room with Donghae but quietly wishing he did. He remembers Donghae’s wide eyes when he asked if Kibum could sleep in his bed tonight, the itching desire to say yes.
Once upon a time, Donghae loved Kibum. And once upon a time, Kibum was happy. But nothing good ever lasts when it comes to Kibum, so he wasn’t surprised when it came to and end-when Donghae said I can’t stand this anymore. You say I’m important to you, so why don’t you prove it? Are you scared, or do you really think I’ll stay forever just because you ask me to? Kibum knows he’s all talk and no do, but that’s just who he is-and he hates it when he makes Donghae cry, so he just nodded and said, Okay, you can go. I’m not stopping you.
(Hyukjae had once approached him, so frighteningly solemn, and told Kibum that he loved Donghae. Kibum had froze then, not knowing what to do-never considering that someone would want his Donghae. And then it started eating at him-was he good enough for him, could he give him what he needed-was he good or was Hyukjae better? He didn’t know, and he was so scared-because the one thing he felt so passionate about, the first thing he could physically touch and hold close and breathe in like his lifeline might not actually belong to him.
“Have him,” he told Hyukjae two weeks before leaving Super Junior-before backing his bags in search for something to love that he can keep all for himself. “Keep him. Never let him go.”
Because it was far easier to let Donghae go than to have to share him with someone else.)
But now he’s back now, and he can’t find his grip.
Kibum contemplates just sleeping on the couch tonight because he doesn’t want to make things awkward, but then he remembers a comment Heechul had made long ago, about how people fart on couches and how nobody around here ever really holds back, and he figures it’s probably better to just endure the awkwardness.
He knocks briefly on the door before opening it not even a moment later, and feels like he’s walked in on something. It’s not really like Donghae and Hyukjae are doing anything-both of them are topless, in the process of changing into their pajamas-but at the same time, their cheeks are flushed, and they look like they’re caught in some dirty act. Kibum wonders what he would’ve walked in on if he had decided to go to bed a little later.
“I could always crash Ryeowook’s room,” he says, hoping he doesn’t come across as too flustered. He tries not to look at Donghae, but he’s filled out over the years-all muscle and strength and how did Kibum ever compare to that?
“No, it’s fine,” Donghae insists, pulling on an old t-shirt. Kibum knows it’s old because he’s the one who got it for him three birthdays ago. Hyukjae doesn’t say anything. Hyukjae’s actually grown much more mature, if his television appearances can justify for anything. It must be hard, debuting in Super Junior-M, and also announced to be the new leader once Jungsu and Heechul join the army. Hyukjae, just like Kibum, has hardened a little around the edges. “Stay.”
And that single word reverberates in Kibum’s mind-stay, stay, stay-like a mantra, echoing a plead he heard once, long ago-
(“Please, don’t leave-I love you too much to not see you every day-”)
“Did you miss us?” Donghae asks as Kibum closes the door, albeit hesitantly. “Did you miss me?”
He rolls his eyes. “No.” And Donghae grins then, pouncing Kibum and sending them tumbling to the floor. It’s a tangle of limbs and Kibum isn’t quite used to this yet-he can’t even remember the last time he hugged someone. He lands with a painful oomph on his back, Donghae knocking the wind out of him, and he wonders how Hyukjae feels about all of this.
“I missed you,” Donghae mumbles into Kibum’s shoulder. “A lot.” Kibum catches Hyukjae’s eye, who’s standing and watching them with his arms crossed. There is something in his expression, but he’s unable to read it.
“I don’t need this on my first night back,” he says, trying to push Donghae off of him. He’s assaulted with memories of Donghae’s touch, Donghae’s warmth, Donghae’s scent-Kibum can’t remember, not now. He can’t fall again after he’s spent so much time just getting back up on his own two feet.
(And it’s amazing, how vulnerable some people can make you.)
“Tomorrow, then?” Donghae grins cheekily, rolling off of him. Kibum is tempted to smack him.
“Or never.”
He looks happy. It seems like Hyukjae is doing a good job of that. Kibum is glad, but terribly bitter at the same time-but then again, he didn’t expect much different. Straightening out his shirt and standing up, he grabs his pajamas so he can change into them. He’s tired.
“We did miss you,” he hears Hyukjae say as he changes, his back facing them. “I kind of missed you, too.” It shouldn’t be a surprise for him to say this, but it is. Kibum pretends not to be fazed.
“It is nice to be back.”
There is a brief moment of silence, before arms snake around his waist. He’s still topless. Kibum assumes it’s Donghae, and is about to swat him off, before noticing that those arms are too thin to belong to Donghae-and it throws him off so much that he can’t even mask his surprise. His entire body tenses up, his hands halfway through sorting out the mess that is the t-shirt that he sleeps in. “Hyung?”
“I guess I don’t dislike you as much as I thought I did,” Hyukjae mutters, breath ghosting across his shoulder. Kibum shivers. Did Hyukjae shrink, or did he just grow? “Welcome back.”
It’s a weird moment of awkwardness, and Kibum shifts, expressing his discomfort.
(I don’t want to be pitied, and especially not by you. Not by the person who took away what was most important to me.)
“He still loves you.” And this is barely above a whisper, and Kibum almost doesn’t catch it. Hyukjae’s words trigger something in him, and it feels like the entire world is crashing down on him and no, not the wall that he’s spent so long building up-
But of course, it all comes crumbling down-just like everything else Kibum tries so hard to make strong and sturdy. It seems like all the important things in his life crumble very easily.
Kibum shrugs Hyukjae off, as gently as he can, and pulls on his shirt. Donghae says he can use his bed, that he’ll just share Hyukjae’s-and he just grunts in affirmation before burying himself in Donghae’s sheets, Donghae’s scent.
Because even if he can’t have him anymore, he can still pretend.
-
Recording their fifth album is oddly therapeutic. The process of recording has always been different from filming, and Kibum relishes it-the differences that create his three dimensional life. It becomes increasingly easily to be around the other members, and is slowly finding his place again. It’s magical, how he still fits in-as if there was a gap prior to when he returned, just empty and waiting for him.
(And somewhere, he can feel the gap waiting for Youngwoon and Hangeng, too-can feel them empty and gaping like aches, like a need to be filled with warmth and laughter and everything they used to be-)
I will love you until the end of time. That is the pact, the silent oath that Super Junior took when they became one. No matter what, they are family-and although they have said it, Kibum didn’t realize the truth of it until now. And he knows, somewhere in there, where his heart is supposed to be, he will love Youngwoon as if he’s right here until he comes back, and he will continue to love Hangeng, who has long since turned his back on them.
Donghae drapes himself over Kibum’s shoulders from behind, and he wonders how much he loves Hyukjae-who he loves more. He still loves you. Hyukjae should’ve never told him. He would’ve been better off not knowing. “Let’s go out tonight.”
Kibum tries to shrug him off. “Or let’s not.”
“Hyukjae has a filming to go to tonight, and I don’t have anyone to keep me company.”
Always the stray dog. “I’ll keep you company at home. The management hasn’t managed to fill up my entire schedule yet.” And the truth is, Kibum would very much like to go out with Donghae tonight, but he knows his limits-knows who Donghae belongs to now, knows that there are lines drawn that he cannot cross, never for the rest of this lifetime.
He still doesn’t give in after an eternity’s worth of whining, so they do end up just spending the night at home. Kibum wants to stay in the living room to watch television, but Donghae drags him into their (his) room with a few beers. Kibum doesn’t know why they can’t just drink in the kitchen, but then Donghae starts talking-words tumbling over each other like he’s giving Kibum his entire heart and a little more, telling him secrets and jokes and feelings like they’re just best friends that haven’t seen each other in a very long time. It’s almost scary, how easily he talks-is it because Kibum doesn’t mean that much to him anymore? Because if he does, then surely, Donghae would be more careful with his words.
Donghae is sitting close to him now. They’re on his bed, side by side with their backs against the wall, each of them with a can of beer in his hand. Kibum still remembers this room, these sheets, those stuffed animals-they’re all so nostalgic. Nothing has changed.
“When is Hyukjae-hyung coming back?” Kibum asks, glancing at his watch. It’s nearing midnight.
“He’s filming for 100 Points Out of 100,” Donghae replies, yawning. “A lot of the time, he doesn’t come back until two or three in the morning for that.” Kibum isn’t sure whether or not he should rejoice at a few more hours alone with Donghae-he just takes another swig of beer.
He’s never liked talking, and Donghae knows that. Donghae lets him sit in silence, staring at the wall opposite of them-at Hyukjae’s bed, the bed that Donghae probably sleeps in every night just because his own is too empty. Kibum wonders how long he and Hyukjae have been together, how many secret kisses they’ve shared, how well they know each other, each other’s bodies-
He stops before his thoughts get out of hand. It’s been a while since he finished with a shudder to anything other than his hand.
“Hyung works hard, doesn’t he,” he says wistfully, shaking his can a little and tossing it to the floor upon realizing that it’s empty.
“He’s growing up,” Donghae says. “Faster than any of us.”
“Too fast for you?”
Pause. “Sometimes.”
“Do you miss the old Hyukjae-hyung?”
“I miss…I miss the old everything, Kibum-ah.” There may or may not be implications to that. Kibum decides that there are not.
He leans against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. “We all change.” When Donghae’s head comes to a rest on his shoulder, he is careful not to move. He closes his eyes, willing himself to take calm, even breaths. In and out, in and out. Slow. Steady. No pounding hearts, no nostalgic feelings. There’s nothing. There has to be nothing.
“Say something.” Donghae’s voice is frighteningly quiet. “Say something, please.”
“I don’t have anything to say.” A lie.
“Didn’t you miss us at all?”
“Not really.” Another lie.
(Yes, I missed you. I missed you so much I couldn’t bear it-at first, I had to seduce one of my new stylist noonas into my bed just to begin forgetting about you. It’s terrible, you know, the feeling of losing something when you know you could’ve kept it. I’m really not as chivalrous as people think I am, Donghae-I’m really so selfish, and the only thing stopping me from taking you back right now like the insensitive bastard I am is Hyukjae, who is so much better for you than I am.)
He knows his words hurt Donghae. It hurts him, too. But what else can he do? Just because he’s back, doesn’t mean there aren’t lines. He can’t break things like he did before.
Donghae sits up and looks at him, but he’s careful to not look back. “Do you really mean that?” Kibum can hear from his voice that he’s on the verge of tears. He’s still the crybaby that he knew long ago-the crybaby he wanted to comfort. Kibum has always wanted to know what it’s like to kiss tears away, but for some reason, he’s never done it.
“Just-stop talking, hyung. Stop talking.”
When Hyukjae returns, Donghae is asleep in Kibum’s lap. Kibum looks up at him with sleepless eyes, apologetic but not really. “He drank some beer.”
Sighing, Hyukjae kneels down and picks up the empty cans. “When will he learn to clean up after himself…” As he mutters to himself, Kibum allows a tiny smile to tug at his lips, his fingers to gently brush Donghae’s hair.
“He said you’re growing up faster than the rest of them. He can’t keep up.”
Hyukjae pauses at the door, intending to throw the cans out in the kitchen. “Some of us have to grow up in order to handle what’s being thrown at us.” He looks back at Kibum over his shoulder. “You don’t have to worry, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy.”
Sometimes, it’s not as easy as that, though-sometimes, making someone happy can be the hardest thing in the world.
Kibum is left alone with Donghae for a few precious seconds as Hyukjae goes to toss out the cans, and he gazes down at his hyung, looking young and naïve and oblivious. Kibum feels infinitely old, somehow. He wants to protect Donghae-never wants him hurt or discover how cruel the world really is. For one moment, Kibum is tempted to lean down and kiss him, just once on the lips, just for old times’ sake-
Hyukjae pulls him from his reverie when he returns. “I’ll take him back,” he grunts, and Kibum lets him half carry, half drag Donghae out of his lap and into the bed on the opposite side of the room. Kibum can’t help but feel like he’s intruding in on something precious.
When he gets up, he winces because his ass has gone numb from sitting in the same spot for hours, and his neck is sore. Hyukjae finishes covering Donghae up with the sheets, before straightening up. “Man, recording was hell tonight.”
“That show looks pretty brutal.”
“It kind of is. And they have no heating there, so it’s cold as hell, but we’re not allowed to wear our jackets while filming. That’s probably why I’m always sick.” It’s then that the older boy glances at Donghae’s sleeping figure. “He always makes sure there’s a thermos full of honey tea for me whenever I am, though.”
Kibum swallows, his gaze following Hyukjae’s. “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love him?” He doesn’t know why he asks this question, though, because what, Kibum, if Hyukjae answers with anything under a seven, you’re just going to steal Donghae back? It doesn’t work that way.
Hyukjae grins cheekily, showing his gums. “One hundred four. And a half.”
He blinks. “Out of ten.”
“One hundred four and a half.”
And I love him one hundred five out of ten, now what? “That’s good, then,” he grunts. “There’s enough love to last over ten lifetimes.”
“Out of ten…” Hyukjae trails off, and Kibum grabs his pajamas. “He loves me fifty, and you fifty.”
“Don’t say things like that, he wouldn’t appreciate it.”
“He thinks he’s such a good liar,” the older boy grumbles. Kibum turns his back to him to change. “But the moment we were told that you’d be back for the fifth album, he was bouncing off the walls in happiness.”
Pause. “Do you hate me?”
“Sometimes.” When Kibum looks at him again, Hyukjae’s smiling wryly. “But he loves you, so I guess I should too.”
“Let’s sleep together,” Donghae suddenly mumbles, and both of them whip their heads in his direction. “The three of us together, like a family. That’d be nice.” Kibum wrinkles his nose at the thought, because everyone’s always known that Hyukjae smells a little funny. That, and in that tiny bed-so close to Donghae-
“No,” he says immediately. Donghae’s still half asleep, but he’s able to roll over and blink blearily at him.
“Please?”
“Don’t be stupid, hyung.” But Hyukjae steps towards him, fingers closing loosely around his wrist. Kibum tenses.
“He wants you to, so do it.” Kibum stares at this person, at this boy turning into a man, and wonders if he really knows him. This isn’t the Hyukjae Kibum used to know-not the laughing, forgetful hyung that always stole the egg from your bibimbap. This is a person that is willing to sacrifice his own happiness for Donghae’s-to share the one person he loves because it’ll make him happier. Kibum remembers when he wasn’t able to do that-when he hurt Donghae because of it.
And it might be wrong, but he doesn’t want to hurt Donghae this time around-especially when Hyukjae is letting him make him happy. With much contemplation, he quietly slides into bed beside Donghae, making sure that his back is facing him. Donghae snuggles into his shoulder, and Kibum tries to remember how to breathe.
He barely sleeps that night, with Hyukjae pressed to Donghae pressed to him. It’s terribly uncomfortable and he can’t move at all, in fear that he’ll wake up the other two, and the bed is so small that he can’t even shift away an inch without rolling off. Kibum spends the majority of the night drifting in and out of sleep, of faint memories, of dreams that could’ve been. Donghae is breathing deeply, his breaths tickling the back of Kibum’s neck, and Hyukjae is borderline snoring. This is crazy, so crazy, but Kibum can’t get the image out of his mind-the image of Donghae smiling sleepily, unabashedly when he reluctantly agreed.
He’s always lived off of Donghae’s smiles. From the moment he left to the moment he came back-Donghae’s smile was what kept him going.
-
Kibum can still remember the first time he felt the need to possess Donghae through and through. It was during promotions for U and while they were filming Super Junior Full House-when they actually shared a room because Anya and Eva occupied Donghae’s. Kibum remembers this time the most, because it was before he had felt the itch to act, before things stopped being perfect.
Anya and Eva were out for the day, so all of the cameramen weren’t around and the cameras in the dorm were turned off. Kangin was lazing around in the living room, watching television, and Donghae had tugged on Kibum’s arm, saying that he was sleepy and wanted a nap.
“I don’t see how you wanting a nap concerns me.”
He had grinned. “Because I want to sleep with you, of course!” Obviously, all the wrong thoughts ran through Kibum’s mind as the older boy dragged him into the room that they shared with four other guys.
Donghae did end up sleeping-cuddled up against Kibum as if he belonged there. Kibum remembers how precious that moment felt to him-because it wasn’t often that Donghae fell asleep beside him. It was always Hyukjae, his best friend-the best friend that somehow always came before the boyfriend. But he was there with Kibum at that moment and it was almost perfect, but okay, even though it was almost perfect, it didn’t mean it’d stop his hard-on.
He was such a boy, he was almost disgusted with himself.
Trying to slip away from Donghae, he ended up waking him up. “Where are you going?” he had mumbled sleepily.
“The bathroom,” Kibum whispered, squirming out of Donghae’s grasp. “I need to go. Bad.”
Not releasing him from his grip, Donghae just curled more into Kibum’s chest, his leg pressing against his erection as he did so. Kibum did his best to conceal his hiss, but Donghae was already as awake as could be, and they stared at each other for an awkward moment.
“Like I said,” Kibum said, clearing his throat and feeling his ears redden. “Bathroom. Bad.”
Donghae had grinned, his teeth poking out from behind his lips, experimentally rolling his hips against Kibum’s. He bit his lip in order to not make any embarrassing sounds. “Nah, I don’t think you need to go to the bathroom.”
“Hyung.”
Suddenly, innocent Donghae wasn’t so innocent anymore. Kibum never really put it past him to be secretly evil and horny like the rest of them, but still, he didn’t expect to see this side of him that soon. The older boy pulled him into a kiss (with kind of bad breath, but whatever), and rolled his hips again, and this time, Kibum couldn’t stop himself from gasping against Donghae’s mouth.
Friction was a delicious thing, Kibum discovered that day. It was all sweaty palms and eyes shut tight, hips grinding against hips, but it was good, so good when he came in his pants, shuddering against Donghae who followed not long after.
“We need to do this more often,” Donghae said, breaths heavy against Kibum’s mouth.
“Whenever you want.”
The older boy fell asleep again after that, leaving Kibum lying there, uncomfortable in his sticky underwear. Typical-he wouldn’t let him go no matter what.
-
He really shouldn’t be surprised when he walks in on Donghae and Hyukjae going at it, but for some reason, he is. He supposes he let it get to his head-the idea that Donghae still loves him.
Kibum remembers having walked in on Jungsu jacking off once in the bathroom because he didn’t lock the door. It was awkward, but all he did was step right back out and close the door with a straight face. He’s sure he can do the same for this, too-just wipe the image from his mind and continue on with his life-because clearly, Donghae’s moved on with his.
But for some reason, he’s frozen-seeing the curve of Donghae’s ass and Hyukjae’s lean arms-it’s repulsive, it makes Kibum want to vomit-seeing someone touch Donghae like that, his Donghae-
Not yours, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him. He hasn’t been yours since you threw him away.
But he didn’t throw him away. He let him go. (But of course, to Donghae, it all means the same thing.)
“Shit!” The curse falls from Hyukjae’s mouth like it’s natural, and Kibum wonders when he became so foul-mouthed. He swallows, mouth dry, and Donghae turns around to stare at Kibum. His lips are parted, cheeks flushed, hair disheveled, and Kibum thinks he’s perfect.
“I-uh-” As Donghae is trying to formulate something coherent to say, Kibum’s grip tightens so hard on the doorknob that his knuckles go white. “Hey, Kibum-ah.”
Not exactly the most appropriate thing to say in this situation, but okay. “Hey. I’ll just leave you two to it.” Leave, he commands his feet. Go.
But he’s stuck.
Hyukjae has sat down on the bed, erection standing up against his stomach, and the only thing Kibum can think about regarding that is that he has never wanted to see Hyukjae naked.
(Are you staying because you want to ruin their sexual escapade tonight, or are you staying because you’re secretly a masochist?)
“Right. G-Going.” His feet feel heavy as he puts all his energy to step back through the doorway, to begin pulling the door closed. But then Donghae takes a step towards him, eyes wide and earnest and what the fuck are you doing, Lee Donghae, did you think you haven’t tortured me enough over the years?
“You-you could stay, if you want.” Kibum stares, blinking, and he repeats himself, assuming that he couldn’t hear him. His eyes are wide and earnest and they remind Kibum of galaxies. “You could stay, Kibum-ah.”
He doesn’t even want to begin thinking about the implications of that. “No, I’m good-”
“Stay, Kibum.” He looks at Hyukjae, whose features are as hard and unreadable as stone. He swallows. If he wants you to stay, you’d better stay.
Not to mention the blood is already flowing hot in his veins and straight to his groin, and even if he did leave, he’d be going straight to the bathroom to jack off to the image of Donghae naked. He looks at one hyung to the other-from please stay to you better stay. There is always some weird sort of shit going on whenever he’s with Super Junior, so he really shouldn’t be surprised, but-
Very slowly, he steps back into the room, closing the door.
Donghae’s smile is practically blinding as he pulls Kibum into an abrupt hug. Kibum can only stare, completely baffled, at Hyukjae over Donghae’s shoulder, who doesn’t look the least bit amused. He doesn’t want him here, does he?
Donghae’s erection presses uncomfortably against Kibum’s thigh, and he fidgets a little. “So, uh, why is it exactly that you want me to stay?”
“Because I missed you.” Donghae’s voice is muffled until he pulls away. “A lot.”
Kibum is very careful not to move a muscle when Donghae’s lips touch his. He is a clash of contradictions right now-wanting to stop loving Donghae the way he does, wanting to stay away, as far away as possible-but wanting to make him happy, and wanting to be with him. He hasn’t figured himself out yet, so how is he supposed to respond? He can’t push him away, can’t kiss back-God, how many times has he dreamt of kissing Donghae ever since he left-
He catches Hyukjae’s eye. Kiss him back, you moron, he mouths, eyes reflecting pure anger. Out of fear that he’s going to get pummeled once this is all over, Kibum closes his eyes and kisses Donghae back. Fuck it. If Donghae wants him to do this, and Hyukjae wants him to do this, then he’s going to do this.
Kibum relishes Donghae’s lips-lips that he hasn’t kissed in years. It’s even better than he remembers-tasting of forgotten promises and perfection coming undone at the seams.
He’s only half registering everything as Donghae undresses him with eager hands until he’s as naked as the rest of them. He’s pulled to the bed where Hyukjae is, and Donghae asks, “Can we play with him, Hyuk?”
Hyukjae’s smile is a little strained. “Whatever you want.”
Donghae frowns. “You have to enjoy this too, you know. Or I’ll feel bad.”
“I will enjoy it. Trust me.”
Liar. But that thought flies out of Kibum’s mind when he’s laid on his back, the sheets cold against his flushed skin. What on earth am I doing, he wonders briefly before another mouth closes down on his. It doesn’t taste like Donghae. He lets Hyukjae kiss him simply because he can’t really bother anymore-he hasn’t had sex in so long that just about anything is good now-especially if Donghae’s a part of it.
His back arches a little when he feels Donghae’s hot breath at the tip of his cock, already half hard. Oh, okay. That’s cool. It’s been a while since he’s been blown, too. Donghae’s hand moves up and down his erection, almost as though remembering all of his sensitive spots. He jerks a little when someone tweaks his nipple.
“Have you ever been in a threesome before, hyung?” Donghae asks, and Hyukjae pulls away and sits cross-legged beside Kibum, touching himself.
“Can’t say I have,” he breathes. He never thought that he’d see the older boy between his legs ever again.
Donghae grins. “Me neither, but I think this’ll be fun.”
Everything comes rushing back-the days spent with Donghae, the times when he felt he needed nothing else in his life. Kibum remembers promises of forever and lazing around on summer afternoons, remembers quick kisses between schedules and trying not to tear each other’s clothes off backstage. It’s both painful and blissful, thinking of these things-because it might all be within his grasp again, but at the same time, it might all be completely different. Kibum closes his eyes and lets Donghae do whatever he wants with him-bites his lip when he licks his tip, tries not to buck his hips off the bed when he takes him completely in his mouth.
He catches Hyukjae’s eye, and they stare at each other for a moment-Kibum not really seeing, lips parted and trying his best not to make any embarrassing sounds because wow Donghae is a lot better than he remembers-his breaths are shallow and suddenly a moan escapes his lips when his cock presses at the back of Donghae’s throat, his back arching and he can see the distinct bob of Hyukjae’s Adam’s apple when he swallows-
Kibum closes his eyes after that, so he doesn’t see Hyukjae anymore, but he can feel Donghae so distinctly-his hands holding him down by the hips, his tongue flat against the underside of his cock, and it’s almost too much to handle because it’s Donghae and Kibum loves Donghae.
When he feels Donghae’s mouth leave him, he almost breathes a sigh of relief, his heart pounding hard and fast in his ribcage. He opens his eyes blearily to see the older boy hovering above him, and nipping at Kibum’s jawline playfully, Donghae asks, “Kibum-ah, can I fuck you?” It’s so simple and he doesn’t even try to sound sexy while saying it, but it’s incredibly erotic and Kibum tries his best not to come right then and there.
“By all means.” His voice comes out breathy and raspy, and vaguely, he thinks he could probably act in a porno and still be pretty successful.
If he hasn’t been laid in a long time, then he hasn’t been fucked in even longer. It’s all discomfort and pain and I swear Hyukjae is glaring holes through my head, but then it starts feeling good and he could care less about Hyukjae.
“Hyuk,” Donghae breathes as he pushes in. Kibum tries his best to relax. “He’s so tight like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Really?” Hyukjae sounds just as breathless as the rest of them. “Tell me exactly how he feels.”
“Hot. Like, scalding. And if you could see him from this angle”-he thrusts once, and Kibum grunts-“you’d have the best view of his neck and collarbone and shit, Hyuk, you have no idea amazing he is.” Kibum presses his head back into the mattress, trying to suppress his frantic heart and the hot tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. Amazing. Donghae thinks he’s amazing.
“Is he good with his mouth?”
“If I remember correctly, he’s out of this world.” Donghae pulls out of him and Kibum swallows, trying to collect his fragmented thoughts of Iloveyous and pleasestays and stuff them back in the safe in the back of his mind. He lets Donghae roll him over until he’s on his knees, and Hyukjae’s moving now, moving until he’s kneeling in front of Kibum’s face with the tip of his cock pressing against his mouth, smearing precum all over his lips.
Kibum looks up at Hyukjae, hesitant. “Is this alright?” Donghae enters him again in that moment, and the last syllable is a little high-pitched and squeaky.
Hyukjae stares down at him, and Kibum can see the first of his walls crumbling. “If Donghae loves you so much, I guess I can try loving you, too.” And Kibum has never had anyone say anything like that to him-because he’s always the one leaving people behind, always the one being left behind, not being worth the effort-but here is someone who says he will try to love him and suddenly it’s like his heart grows five sizes too big and he can’t breathe and his vision is blurry with tears.
He takes Hyukjae in his mouth and sucks him off the best he can, all hollow cheeks and no gag reflex. He tastes different from Donghae, but it’s not bad. While Donghae tastes like sunrises and wildflowers, Hyukjae tastes like peppermint and overripe strawberries, and Kibum decides that variety is good. The older boy comes hard in his mouth with a strangled moan, and Donghae bends himself over Kibum’s back, his hand circling around his waist to pump his cock at the same tempo of his thrusts. Kibum chokes and pulls away from Hyukjae, feeling his muscles tense as he finishes all over Donghae’s hand.
It’s all a blur, such a blur, but it’s such a good and surreal blur that he can’t bother to care anymore. The thing is, even Kibum has a limit. Even he breaks.
When Donghae comes inside of him, it feels like the summation of everything he’s felt since he’s left, both bitter and almost perfect, and it’s Kibum’s name that Donghae sighs, Kibum’s lips that he kisses afterwards, soft and tender.
Things are not perfect, but they fall asleep on that tiny bed again, not as uncomfortable as last time-Hyukjae pressed to Donghae pressed to Kibum, all of them sticky and sweaty.
But ironically, as imperfect as they are, it’s the most content Kibum can remember being in a long time.
-
When he wakes up the next morning, he feels a little sore and in great need of a shower. Donghae is still asleep, cuddled up against his back, but there is much more room in the bed now, so Kibum assumes that Hyukjae is already up and about.
(And there is still something a little heartbreaking about Hyukjae being so responsible-Hyukjae, who has always been the bullied, the silly one, the one who never cared-and now he’s all grown up, and will everyone be like him in the future? Will all of them change eventually, too?)
He’s still tucked under the covers when Hyukjae enters the room, fully dressed. “Oh, you’re awake. I was just about to wake you guys up.”
Kibum turns to bury his face in the pillow. “We’re not children, you know.”
“You’re not. Hae still is.” Pause. “Is there anything particular you’d like for breakfast?”
Surprised, he looks at Hyukjae. “You can cook?”
“I’ve been learning a thing or two from Ryeowook. So, d’you want anything?”
The fact that he’s even asking makes Kibum a little happy. “Make me whatever it is you’re the best at making. I’m sure I’ll like it.”
Hyukjae grins. “Then how does cereal sound?”
And this is how life goes on, Kibum suspects-step by step towards something better than this.
so here’s a funny story. i was like, hey, it’s write some ot3 smut since you’ve never done that before, and it might be fun and you could also polish up your porn-writing skills-but then i ended up tacking on about 5000 words of angst, and the smut wasn’t so much smut anymore as it was just part of the story development. /dies
Pairing: Kibum/Donghae/Eunhyuk
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: NC-17
Notes: Um. I don’t know. I wanted to write Kibum? And EunHae? Please don’t hate me. T___T
Word Count: 6500
Summary: They say home is where the heart is. Kibum doesn’t really think he has much of a heart anymore, so he just figures that his home is where Donghae is-the place where he last left it. (And whoever Donghae decides to share it with, he supposes.)
It is with much reluctance that he agrees.
And it’s not that Kibum doesn’t want to as much as he doesn’t know how to face them. They have always said that he’s still a part of the family, but he isn’t sure how much he’s really felt that-being a part of the family, he means. While the rest of them were joking around and laughing and flinging kimchi at each other, he was eating quietly, careful not to say something that would result in pickled vegetables in his face.
But they’re not nothing-because he felt the painful tug at his heart when he left, the faint notion that he was leaving behind something very important, something irreplaceably precious.
(But it’s not really leaving, he insists, because he plans to come back. Just not now-not when he hasn’t sorted himself out yet, hasn’t found where he belongs, hasn’t found out if he even belongs anywhere at all.)
Kim Kibum is actually much weaker than he lets on.
But maybe he’s learned. Maybe he’s found his place-discovered how the bits and pieces of his heart fit back together, and is leaping fearlessly back into what he has originally found so frightening. Super Junior, he thinks, is big-unfathomable and overflowing with love that he can’t comprehend. But he finds himself coming back.
“Now we’re all just a little more complete,” Jungsu says as he pats him on the shoulder, his smile small, but grateful and genuine.
“Not really,” Kibum says, trying to be nonchalant.
Jungsu gently pushes his head in a small scolding. “But more complete than before.”
Kibum was the first to break their original thirteen, but he’s also the first to begin fixing it.
-
“Why are you surprised?” Heechul asks flatly, brashly, when Kibum stares at Donghae and Hyukjae across from him at the dinner table, not talking but sitting awfully close, painfully close and arms touching and stealing the food from each other’s bowls (which is completely useless anyway because all of their food is the same, Kibum thinks with a touch of bitterness).
“I’m not surprised,” he replies, not missing a beat. “It’s creepy. Shiver-inducing.”
“Right,” Heechul says, and Kibum can just hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice. He ignores the faint ache in his heart. He doesn’t have a heart, he reminds himself. He lost it long ago.
Donghae-he doesn’t remember much of Donghae. Just bits and pieces, because that’s what memory does-it grows old and fades away to make way for new things to remember, for new habits to fall into. Kibum doesn’t particularly want to remember Donghae though, because whenever he thinks of him, there is a slight pang in his chest and he just wants to immerse himself in something that’ll make him forget.
(But raging hearts, heavy breaths, feelings so strong that he might burst-that’s what he does remember. That’s what he tries desperately not to.)
It’s a celebration, although Kibum doesn’t know why they’re over-exaggerating his return. He was only absent for one album-but the food is grand and the alcohol is plentiful and everyone is drinking and it’s a little sad how none of them really grew up.
It’s okay, though, he thinks. He’s grown up enough to make up for all of them.
-
It’s after midnight and the dorm is still a mess, but everyone has forgone cleaning for the night and has already sauntered back into their respective rooms. Kibum finds it terribly ironic how Jungsu told him that because Donghae and Hyukjae’s room is the biggest out of all of theirs, they can share it with him.
Kibum remembers the old days-remembers not sharing a room with Donghae but quietly wishing he did. He remembers Donghae’s wide eyes when he asked if Kibum could sleep in his bed tonight, the itching desire to say yes.
Once upon a time, Donghae loved Kibum. And once upon a time, Kibum was happy. But nothing good ever lasts when it comes to Kibum, so he wasn’t surprised when it came to and end-when Donghae said I can’t stand this anymore. You say I’m important to you, so why don’t you prove it? Are you scared, or do you really think I’ll stay forever just because you ask me to? Kibum knows he’s all talk and no do, but that’s just who he is-and he hates it when he makes Donghae cry, so he just nodded and said, Okay, you can go. I’m not stopping you.
(Hyukjae had once approached him, so frighteningly solemn, and told Kibum that he loved Donghae. Kibum had froze then, not knowing what to do-never considering that someone would want his Donghae. And then it started eating at him-was he good enough for him, could he give him what he needed-was he good or was Hyukjae better? He didn’t know, and he was so scared-because the one thing he felt so passionate about, the first thing he could physically touch and hold close and breathe in like his lifeline might not actually belong to him.
“Have him,” he told Hyukjae two weeks before leaving Super Junior-before backing his bags in search for something to love that he can keep all for himself. “Keep him. Never let him go.”
Because it was far easier to let Donghae go than to have to share him with someone else.)
But now he’s back now, and he can’t find his grip.
Kibum contemplates just sleeping on the couch tonight because he doesn’t want to make things awkward, but then he remembers a comment Heechul had made long ago, about how people fart on couches and how nobody around here ever really holds back, and he figures it’s probably better to just endure the awkwardness.
He knocks briefly on the door before opening it not even a moment later, and feels like he’s walked in on something. It’s not really like Donghae and Hyukjae are doing anything-both of them are topless, in the process of changing into their pajamas-but at the same time, their cheeks are flushed, and they look like they’re caught in some dirty act. Kibum wonders what he would’ve walked in on if he had decided to go to bed a little later.
“I could always crash Ryeowook’s room,” he says, hoping he doesn’t come across as too flustered. He tries not to look at Donghae, but he’s filled out over the years-all muscle and strength and how did Kibum ever compare to that?
“No, it’s fine,” Donghae insists, pulling on an old t-shirt. Kibum knows it’s old because he’s the one who got it for him three birthdays ago. Hyukjae doesn’t say anything. Hyukjae’s actually grown much more mature, if his television appearances can justify for anything. It must be hard, debuting in Super Junior-M, and also announced to be the new leader once Jungsu and Heechul join the army. Hyukjae, just like Kibum, has hardened a little around the edges. “Stay.”
And that single word reverberates in Kibum’s mind-stay, stay, stay-like a mantra, echoing a plead he heard once, long ago-
(“Please, don’t leave-I love you too much to not see you every day-”)
“Did you miss us?” Donghae asks as Kibum closes the door, albeit hesitantly. “Did you miss me?”
He rolls his eyes. “No.” And Donghae grins then, pouncing Kibum and sending them tumbling to the floor. It’s a tangle of limbs and Kibum isn’t quite used to this yet-he can’t even remember the last time he hugged someone. He lands with a painful oomph on his back, Donghae knocking the wind out of him, and he wonders how Hyukjae feels about all of this.
“I missed you,” Donghae mumbles into Kibum’s shoulder. “A lot.” Kibum catches Hyukjae’s eye, who’s standing and watching them with his arms crossed. There is something in his expression, but he’s unable to read it.
“I don’t need this on my first night back,” he says, trying to push Donghae off of him. He’s assaulted with memories of Donghae’s touch, Donghae’s warmth, Donghae’s scent-Kibum can’t remember, not now. He can’t fall again after he’s spent so much time just getting back up on his own two feet.
(And it’s amazing, how vulnerable some people can make you.)
“Tomorrow, then?” Donghae grins cheekily, rolling off of him. Kibum is tempted to smack him.
“Or never.”
He looks happy. It seems like Hyukjae is doing a good job of that. Kibum is glad, but terribly bitter at the same time-but then again, he didn’t expect much different. Straightening out his shirt and standing up, he grabs his pajamas so he can change into them. He’s tired.
“We did miss you,” he hears Hyukjae say as he changes, his back facing them. “I kind of missed you, too.” It shouldn’t be a surprise for him to say this, but it is. Kibum pretends not to be fazed.
“It is nice to be back.”
There is a brief moment of silence, before arms snake around his waist. He’s still topless. Kibum assumes it’s Donghae, and is about to swat him off, before noticing that those arms are too thin to belong to Donghae-and it throws him off so much that he can’t even mask his surprise. His entire body tenses up, his hands halfway through sorting out the mess that is the t-shirt that he sleeps in. “Hyung?”
“I guess I don’t dislike you as much as I thought I did,” Hyukjae mutters, breath ghosting across his shoulder. Kibum shivers. Did Hyukjae shrink, or did he just grow? “Welcome back.”
It’s a weird moment of awkwardness, and Kibum shifts, expressing his discomfort.
(I don’t want to be pitied, and especially not by you. Not by the person who took away what was most important to me.)
“He still loves you.” And this is barely above a whisper, and Kibum almost doesn’t catch it. Hyukjae’s words trigger something in him, and it feels like the entire world is crashing down on him and no, not the wall that he’s spent so long building up-
But of course, it all comes crumbling down-just like everything else Kibum tries so hard to make strong and sturdy. It seems like all the important things in his life crumble very easily.
Kibum shrugs Hyukjae off, as gently as he can, and pulls on his shirt. Donghae says he can use his bed, that he’ll just share Hyukjae’s-and he just grunts in affirmation before burying himself in Donghae’s sheets, Donghae’s scent.
Because even if he can’t have him anymore, he can still pretend.
-
Recording their fifth album is oddly therapeutic. The process of recording has always been different from filming, and Kibum relishes it-the differences that create his three dimensional life. It becomes increasingly easily to be around the other members, and is slowly finding his place again. It’s magical, how he still fits in-as if there was a gap prior to when he returned, just empty and waiting for him.
(And somewhere, he can feel the gap waiting for Youngwoon and Hangeng, too-can feel them empty and gaping like aches, like a need to be filled with warmth and laughter and everything they used to be-)
I will love you until the end of time. That is the pact, the silent oath that Super Junior took when they became one. No matter what, they are family-and although they have said it, Kibum didn’t realize the truth of it until now. And he knows, somewhere in there, where his heart is supposed to be, he will love Youngwoon as if he’s right here until he comes back, and he will continue to love Hangeng, who has long since turned his back on them.
Donghae drapes himself over Kibum’s shoulders from behind, and he wonders how much he loves Hyukjae-who he loves more. He still loves you. Hyukjae should’ve never told him. He would’ve been better off not knowing. “Let’s go out tonight.”
Kibum tries to shrug him off. “Or let’s not.”
“Hyukjae has a filming to go to tonight, and I don’t have anyone to keep me company.”
Always the stray dog. “I’ll keep you company at home. The management hasn’t managed to fill up my entire schedule yet.” And the truth is, Kibum would very much like to go out with Donghae tonight, but he knows his limits-knows who Donghae belongs to now, knows that there are lines drawn that he cannot cross, never for the rest of this lifetime.
He still doesn’t give in after an eternity’s worth of whining, so they do end up just spending the night at home. Kibum wants to stay in the living room to watch television, but Donghae drags him into their (his) room with a few beers. Kibum doesn’t know why they can’t just drink in the kitchen, but then Donghae starts talking-words tumbling over each other like he’s giving Kibum his entire heart and a little more, telling him secrets and jokes and feelings like they’re just best friends that haven’t seen each other in a very long time. It’s almost scary, how easily he talks-is it because Kibum doesn’t mean that much to him anymore? Because if he does, then surely, Donghae would be more careful with his words.
Donghae is sitting close to him now. They’re on his bed, side by side with their backs against the wall, each of them with a can of beer in his hand. Kibum still remembers this room, these sheets, those stuffed animals-they’re all so nostalgic. Nothing has changed.
“When is Hyukjae-hyung coming back?” Kibum asks, glancing at his watch. It’s nearing midnight.
“He’s filming for 100 Points Out of 100,” Donghae replies, yawning. “A lot of the time, he doesn’t come back until two or three in the morning for that.” Kibum isn’t sure whether or not he should rejoice at a few more hours alone with Donghae-he just takes another swig of beer.
He’s never liked talking, and Donghae knows that. Donghae lets him sit in silence, staring at the wall opposite of them-at Hyukjae’s bed, the bed that Donghae probably sleeps in every night just because his own is too empty. Kibum wonders how long he and Hyukjae have been together, how many secret kisses they’ve shared, how well they know each other, each other’s bodies-
He stops before his thoughts get out of hand. It’s been a while since he finished with a shudder to anything other than his hand.
“Hyung works hard, doesn’t he,” he says wistfully, shaking his can a little and tossing it to the floor upon realizing that it’s empty.
“He’s growing up,” Donghae says. “Faster than any of us.”
“Too fast for you?”
Pause. “Sometimes.”
“Do you miss the old Hyukjae-hyung?”
“I miss…I miss the old everything, Kibum-ah.” There may or may not be implications to that. Kibum decides that there are not.
He leans against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. “We all change.” When Donghae’s head comes to a rest on his shoulder, he is careful not to move. He closes his eyes, willing himself to take calm, even breaths. In and out, in and out. Slow. Steady. No pounding hearts, no nostalgic feelings. There’s nothing. There has to be nothing.
“Say something.” Donghae’s voice is frighteningly quiet. “Say something, please.”
“I don’t have anything to say.” A lie.
“Didn’t you miss us at all?”
“Not really.” Another lie.
(Yes, I missed you. I missed you so much I couldn’t bear it-at first, I had to seduce one of my new stylist noonas into my bed just to begin forgetting about you. It’s terrible, you know, the feeling of losing something when you know you could’ve kept it. I’m really not as chivalrous as people think I am, Donghae-I’m really so selfish, and the only thing stopping me from taking you back right now like the insensitive bastard I am is Hyukjae, who is so much better for you than I am.)
He knows his words hurt Donghae. It hurts him, too. But what else can he do? Just because he’s back, doesn’t mean there aren’t lines. He can’t break things like he did before.
Donghae sits up and looks at him, but he’s careful to not look back. “Do you really mean that?” Kibum can hear from his voice that he’s on the verge of tears. He’s still the crybaby that he knew long ago-the crybaby he wanted to comfort. Kibum has always wanted to know what it’s like to kiss tears away, but for some reason, he’s never done it.
“Just-stop talking, hyung. Stop talking.”
When Hyukjae returns, Donghae is asleep in Kibum’s lap. Kibum looks up at him with sleepless eyes, apologetic but not really. “He drank some beer.”
Sighing, Hyukjae kneels down and picks up the empty cans. “When will he learn to clean up after himself…” As he mutters to himself, Kibum allows a tiny smile to tug at his lips, his fingers to gently brush Donghae’s hair.
“He said you’re growing up faster than the rest of them. He can’t keep up.”
Hyukjae pauses at the door, intending to throw the cans out in the kitchen. “Some of us have to grow up in order to handle what’s being thrown at us.” He looks back at Kibum over his shoulder. “You don’t have to worry, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy.”
Sometimes, it’s not as easy as that, though-sometimes, making someone happy can be the hardest thing in the world.
Kibum is left alone with Donghae for a few precious seconds as Hyukjae goes to toss out the cans, and he gazes down at his hyung, looking young and naïve and oblivious. Kibum feels infinitely old, somehow. He wants to protect Donghae-never wants him hurt or discover how cruel the world really is. For one moment, Kibum is tempted to lean down and kiss him, just once on the lips, just for old times’ sake-
Hyukjae pulls him from his reverie when he returns. “I’ll take him back,” he grunts, and Kibum lets him half carry, half drag Donghae out of his lap and into the bed on the opposite side of the room. Kibum can’t help but feel like he’s intruding in on something precious.
When he gets up, he winces because his ass has gone numb from sitting in the same spot for hours, and his neck is sore. Hyukjae finishes covering Donghae up with the sheets, before straightening up. “Man, recording was hell tonight.”
“That show looks pretty brutal.”
“It kind of is. And they have no heating there, so it’s cold as hell, but we’re not allowed to wear our jackets while filming. That’s probably why I’m always sick.” It’s then that the older boy glances at Donghae’s sleeping figure. “He always makes sure there’s a thermos full of honey tea for me whenever I am, though.”
Kibum swallows, his gaze following Hyukjae’s. “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love him?” He doesn’t know why he asks this question, though, because what, Kibum, if Hyukjae answers with anything under a seven, you’re just going to steal Donghae back? It doesn’t work that way.
Hyukjae grins cheekily, showing his gums. “One hundred four. And a half.”
He blinks. “Out of ten.”
“One hundred four and a half.”
And I love him one hundred five out of ten, now what? “That’s good, then,” he grunts. “There’s enough love to last over ten lifetimes.”
“Out of ten…” Hyukjae trails off, and Kibum grabs his pajamas. “He loves me fifty, and you fifty.”
“Don’t say things like that, he wouldn’t appreciate it.”
“He thinks he’s such a good liar,” the older boy grumbles. Kibum turns his back to him to change. “But the moment we were told that you’d be back for the fifth album, he was bouncing off the walls in happiness.”
Pause. “Do you hate me?”
“Sometimes.” When Kibum looks at him again, Hyukjae’s smiling wryly. “But he loves you, so I guess I should too.”
“Let’s sleep together,” Donghae suddenly mumbles, and both of them whip their heads in his direction. “The three of us together, like a family. That’d be nice.” Kibum wrinkles his nose at the thought, because everyone’s always known that Hyukjae smells a little funny. That, and in that tiny bed-so close to Donghae-
“No,” he says immediately. Donghae’s still half asleep, but he’s able to roll over and blink blearily at him.
“Please?”
“Don’t be stupid, hyung.” But Hyukjae steps towards him, fingers closing loosely around his wrist. Kibum tenses.
“He wants you to, so do it.” Kibum stares at this person, at this boy turning into a man, and wonders if he really knows him. This isn’t the Hyukjae Kibum used to know-not the laughing, forgetful hyung that always stole the egg from your bibimbap. This is a person that is willing to sacrifice his own happiness for Donghae’s-to share the one person he loves because it’ll make him happier. Kibum remembers when he wasn’t able to do that-when he hurt Donghae because of it.
And it might be wrong, but he doesn’t want to hurt Donghae this time around-especially when Hyukjae is letting him make him happy. With much contemplation, he quietly slides into bed beside Donghae, making sure that his back is facing him. Donghae snuggles into his shoulder, and Kibum tries to remember how to breathe.
He barely sleeps that night, with Hyukjae pressed to Donghae pressed to him. It’s terribly uncomfortable and he can’t move at all, in fear that he’ll wake up the other two, and the bed is so small that he can’t even shift away an inch without rolling off. Kibum spends the majority of the night drifting in and out of sleep, of faint memories, of dreams that could’ve been. Donghae is breathing deeply, his breaths tickling the back of Kibum’s neck, and Hyukjae is borderline snoring. This is crazy, so crazy, but Kibum can’t get the image out of his mind-the image of Donghae smiling sleepily, unabashedly when he reluctantly agreed.
He’s always lived off of Donghae’s smiles. From the moment he left to the moment he came back-Donghae’s smile was what kept him going.
-
Kibum can still remember the first time he felt the need to possess Donghae through and through. It was during promotions for U and while they were filming Super Junior Full House-when they actually shared a room because Anya and Eva occupied Donghae’s. Kibum remembers this time the most, because it was before he had felt the itch to act, before things stopped being perfect.
Anya and Eva were out for the day, so all of the cameramen weren’t around and the cameras in the dorm were turned off. Kangin was lazing around in the living room, watching television, and Donghae had tugged on Kibum’s arm, saying that he was sleepy and wanted a nap.
“I don’t see how you wanting a nap concerns me.”
He had grinned. “Because I want to sleep with you, of course!” Obviously, all the wrong thoughts ran through Kibum’s mind as the older boy dragged him into the room that they shared with four other guys.
Donghae did end up sleeping-cuddled up against Kibum as if he belonged there. Kibum remembers how precious that moment felt to him-because it wasn’t often that Donghae fell asleep beside him. It was always Hyukjae, his best friend-the best friend that somehow always came before the boyfriend. But he was there with Kibum at that moment and it was almost perfect, but okay, even though it was almost perfect, it didn’t mean it’d stop his hard-on.
He was such a boy, he was almost disgusted with himself.
Trying to slip away from Donghae, he ended up waking him up. “Where are you going?” he had mumbled sleepily.
“The bathroom,” Kibum whispered, squirming out of Donghae’s grasp. “I need to go. Bad.”
Not releasing him from his grip, Donghae just curled more into Kibum’s chest, his leg pressing against his erection as he did so. Kibum did his best to conceal his hiss, but Donghae was already as awake as could be, and they stared at each other for an awkward moment.
“Like I said,” Kibum said, clearing his throat and feeling his ears redden. “Bathroom. Bad.”
Donghae had grinned, his teeth poking out from behind his lips, experimentally rolling his hips against Kibum’s. He bit his lip in order to not make any embarrassing sounds. “Nah, I don’t think you need to go to the bathroom.”
“Hyung.”
Suddenly, innocent Donghae wasn’t so innocent anymore. Kibum never really put it past him to be secretly evil and horny like the rest of them, but still, he didn’t expect to see this side of him that soon. The older boy pulled him into a kiss (with kind of bad breath, but whatever), and rolled his hips again, and this time, Kibum couldn’t stop himself from gasping against Donghae’s mouth.
Friction was a delicious thing, Kibum discovered that day. It was all sweaty palms and eyes shut tight, hips grinding against hips, but it was good, so good when he came in his pants, shuddering against Donghae who followed not long after.
“We need to do this more often,” Donghae said, breaths heavy against Kibum’s mouth.
“Whenever you want.”
The older boy fell asleep again after that, leaving Kibum lying there, uncomfortable in his sticky underwear. Typical-he wouldn’t let him go no matter what.
-
He really shouldn’t be surprised when he walks in on Donghae and Hyukjae going at it, but for some reason, he is. He supposes he let it get to his head-the idea that Donghae still loves him.
Kibum remembers having walked in on Jungsu jacking off once in the bathroom because he didn’t lock the door. It was awkward, but all he did was step right back out and close the door with a straight face. He’s sure he can do the same for this, too-just wipe the image from his mind and continue on with his life-because clearly, Donghae’s moved on with his.
But for some reason, he’s frozen-seeing the curve of Donghae’s ass and Hyukjae’s lean arms-it’s repulsive, it makes Kibum want to vomit-seeing someone touch Donghae like that, his Donghae-
Not yours, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him. He hasn’t been yours since you threw him away.
But he didn’t throw him away. He let him go. (But of course, to Donghae, it all means the same thing.)
“Shit!” The curse falls from Hyukjae’s mouth like it’s natural, and Kibum wonders when he became so foul-mouthed. He swallows, mouth dry, and Donghae turns around to stare at Kibum. His lips are parted, cheeks flushed, hair disheveled, and Kibum thinks he’s perfect.
“I-uh-” As Donghae is trying to formulate something coherent to say, Kibum’s grip tightens so hard on the doorknob that his knuckles go white. “Hey, Kibum-ah.”
Not exactly the most appropriate thing to say in this situation, but okay. “Hey. I’ll just leave you two to it.” Leave, he commands his feet. Go.
But he’s stuck.
Hyukjae has sat down on the bed, erection standing up against his stomach, and the only thing Kibum can think about regarding that is that he has never wanted to see Hyukjae naked.
(Are you staying because you want to ruin their sexual escapade tonight, or are you staying because you’re secretly a masochist?)
“Right. G-Going.” His feet feel heavy as he puts all his energy to step back through the doorway, to begin pulling the door closed. But then Donghae takes a step towards him, eyes wide and earnest and what the fuck are you doing, Lee Donghae, did you think you haven’t tortured me enough over the years?
“You-you could stay, if you want.” Kibum stares, blinking, and he repeats himself, assuming that he couldn’t hear him. His eyes are wide and earnest and they remind Kibum of galaxies. “You could stay, Kibum-ah.”
He doesn’t even want to begin thinking about the implications of that. “No, I’m good-”
“Stay, Kibum.” He looks at Hyukjae, whose features are as hard and unreadable as stone. He swallows. If he wants you to stay, you’d better stay.
Not to mention the blood is already flowing hot in his veins and straight to his groin, and even if he did leave, he’d be going straight to the bathroom to jack off to the image of Donghae naked. He looks at one hyung to the other-from please stay to you better stay. There is always some weird sort of shit going on whenever he’s with Super Junior, so he really shouldn’t be surprised, but-
Very slowly, he steps back into the room, closing the door.
Donghae’s smile is practically blinding as he pulls Kibum into an abrupt hug. Kibum can only stare, completely baffled, at Hyukjae over Donghae’s shoulder, who doesn’t look the least bit amused. He doesn’t want him here, does he?
Donghae’s erection presses uncomfortably against Kibum’s thigh, and he fidgets a little. “So, uh, why is it exactly that you want me to stay?”
“Because I missed you.” Donghae’s voice is muffled until he pulls away. “A lot.”
Kibum is very careful not to move a muscle when Donghae’s lips touch his. He is a clash of contradictions right now-wanting to stop loving Donghae the way he does, wanting to stay away, as far away as possible-but wanting to make him happy, and wanting to be with him. He hasn’t figured himself out yet, so how is he supposed to respond? He can’t push him away, can’t kiss back-God, how many times has he dreamt of kissing Donghae ever since he left-
He catches Hyukjae’s eye. Kiss him back, you moron, he mouths, eyes reflecting pure anger. Out of fear that he’s going to get pummeled once this is all over, Kibum closes his eyes and kisses Donghae back. Fuck it. If Donghae wants him to do this, and Hyukjae wants him to do this, then he’s going to do this.
Kibum relishes Donghae’s lips-lips that he hasn’t kissed in years. It’s even better than he remembers-tasting of forgotten promises and perfection coming undone at the seams.
He’s only half registering everything as Donghae undresses him with eager hands until he’s as naked as the rest of them. He’s pulled to the bed where Hyukjae is, and Donghae asks, “Can we play with him, Hyuk?”
Hyukjae’s smile is a little strained. “Whatever you want.”
Donghae frowns. “You have to enjoy this too, you know. Or I’ll feel bad.”
“I will enjoy it. Trust me.”
Liar. But that thought flies out of Kibum’s mind when he’s laid on his back, the sheets cold against his flushed skin. What on earth am I doing, he wonders briefly before another mouth closes down on his. It doesn’t taste like Donghae. He lets Hyukjae kiss him simply because he can’t really bother anymore-he hasn’t had sex in so long that just about anything is good now-especially if Donghae’s a part of it.
His back arches a little when he feels Donghae’s hot breath at the tip of his cock, already half hard. Oh, okay. That’s cool. It’s been a while since he’s been blown, too. Donghae’s hand moves up and down his erection, almost as though remembering all of his sensitive spots. He jerks a little when someone tweaks his nipple.
“Have you ever been in a threesome before, hyung?” Donghae asks, and Hyukjae pulls away and sits cross-legged beside Kibum, touching himself.
“Can’t say I have,” he breathes. He never thought that he’d see the older boy between his legs ever again.
Donghae grins. “Me neither, but I think this’ll be fun.”
Everything comes rushing back-the days spent with Donghae, the times when he felt he needed nothing else in his life. Kibum remembers promises of forever and lazing around on summer afternoons, remembers quick kisses between schedules and trying not to tear each other’s clothes off backstage. It’s both painful and blissful, thinking of these things-because it might all be within his grasp again, but at the same time, it might all be completely different. Kibum closes his eyes and lets Donghae do whatever he wants with him-bites his lip when he licks his tip, tries not to buck his hips off the bed when he takes him completely in his mouth.
He catches Hyukjae’s eye, and they stare at each other for a moment-Kibum not really seeing, lips parted and trying his best not to make any embarrassing sounds because wow Donghae is a lot better than he remembers-his breaths are shallow and suddenly a moan escapes his lips when his cock presses at the back of Donghae’s throat, his back arching and he can see the distinct bob of Hyukjae’s Adam’s apple when he swallows-
Kibum closes his eyes after that, so he doesn’t see Hyukjae anymore, but he can feel Donghae so distinctly-his hands holding him down by the hips, his tongue flat against the underside of his cock, and it’s almost too much to handle because it’s Donghae and Kibum loves Donghae.
When he feels Donghae’s mouth leave him, he almost breathes a sigh of relief, his heart pounding hard and fast in his ribcage. He opens his eyes blearily to see the older boy hovering above him, and nipping at Kibum’s jawline playfully, Donghae asks, “Kibum-ah, can I fuck you?” It’s so simple and he doesn’t even try to sound sexy while saying it, but it’s incredibly erotic and Kibum tries his best not to come right then and there.
“By all means.” His voice comes out breathy and raspy, and vaguely, he thinks he could probably act in a porno and still be pretty successful.
If he hasn’t been laid in a long time, then he hasn’t been fucked in even longer. It’s all discomfort and pain and I swear Hyukjae is glaring holes through my head, but then it starts feeling good and he could care less about Hyukjae.
“Hyuk,” Donghae breathes as he pushes in. Kibum tries his best to relax. “He’s so tight like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Really?” Hyukjae sounds just as breathless as the rest of them. “Tell me exactly how he feels.”
“Hot. Like, scalding. And if you could see him from this angle”-he thrusts once, and Kibum grunts-“you’d have the best view of his neck and collarbone and shit, Hyuk, you have no idea amazing he is.” Kibum presses his head back into the mattress, trying to suppress his frantic heart and the hot tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. Amazing. Donghae thinks he’s amazing.
“Is he good with his mouth?”
“If I remember correctly, he’s out of this world.” Donghae pulls out of him and Kibum swallows, trying to collect his fragmented thoughts of Iloveyous and pleasestays and stuff them back in the safe in the back of his mind. He lets Donghae roll him over until he’s on his knees, and Hyukjae’s moving now, moving until he’s kneeling in front of Kibum’s face with the tip of his cock pressing against his mouth, smearing precum all over his lips.
Kibum looks up at Hyukjae, hesitant. “Is this alright?” Donghae enters him again in that moment, and the last syllable is a little high-pitched and squeaky.
Hyukjae stares down at him, and Kibum can see the first of his walls crumbling. “If Donghae loves you so much, I guess I can try loving you, too.” And Kibum has never had anyone say anything like that to him-because he’s always the one leaving people behind, always the one being left behind, not being worth the effort-but here is someone who says he will try to love him and suddenly it’s like his heart grows five sizes too big and he can’t breathe and his vision is blurry with tears.
He takes Hyukjae in his mouth and sucks him off the best he can, all hollow cheeks and no gag reflex. He tastes different from Donghae, but it’s not bad. While Donghae tastes like sunrises and wildflowers, Hyukjae tastes like peppermint and overripe strawberries, and Kibum decides that variety is good. The older boy comes hard in his mouth with a strangled moan, and Donghae bends himself over Kibum’s back, his hand circling around his waist to pump his cock at the same tempo of his thrusts. Kibum chokes and pulls away from Hyukjae, feeling his muscles tense as he finishes all over Donghae’s hand.
It’s all a blur, such a blur, but it’s such a good and surreal blur that he can’t bother to care anymore. The thing is, even Kibum has a limit. Even he breaks.
When Donghae comes inside of him, it feels like the summation of everything he’s felt since he’s left, both bitter and almost perfect, and it’s Kibum’s name that Donghae sighs, Kibum’s lips that he kisses afterwards, soft and tender.
Things are not perfect, but they fall asleep on that tiny bed again, not as uncomfortable as last time-Hyukjae pressed to Donghae pressed to Kibum, all of them sticky and sweaty.
But ironically, as imperfect as they are, it’s the most content Kibum can remember being in a long time.
-
When he wakes up the next morning, he feels a little sore and in great need of a shower. Donghae is still asleep, cuddled up against his back, but there is much more room in the bed now, so Kibum assumes that Hyukjae is already up and about.
(And there is still something a little heartbreaking about Hyukjae being so responsible-Hyukjae, who has always been the bullied, the silly one, the one who never cared-and now he’s all grown up, and will everyone be like him in the future? Will all of them change eventually, too?)
He’s still tucked under the covers when Hyukjae enters the room, fully dressed. “Oh, you’re awake. I was just about to wake you guys up.”
Kibum turns to bury his face in the pillow. “We’re not children, you know.”
“You’re not. Hae still is.” Pause. “Is there anything particular you’d like for breakfast?”
Surprised, he looks at Hyukjae. “You can cook?”
“I’ve been learning a thing or two from Ryeowook. So, d’you want anything?”
The fact that he’s even asking makes Kibum a little happy. “Make me whatever it is you’re the best at making. I’m sure I’ll like it.”
Hyukjae grins. “Then how does cereal sound?”
And this is how life goes on, Kibum suspects-step by step towards something better than this.
so here’s a funny story. i was like, hey, it’s write some ot3 smut since you’ve never done that before, and it might be fun and you could also polish up your porn-writing skills-but then i ended up tacking on about 5000 words of angst, and the smut wasn’t so much smut anymore as it was just part of the story development. /dies