[fic] last flight home, 2/2
part two;
Kyuhyun knows this, but sometimes, he just can’t help it. He remembers the Sungmin before the accident, and he looks at the Sungmin right now-and it’s so hard not to pity him.
“I can get it myself,” Sungmin tells him when Kyuhyun offers to grab a cup for him. He’s reaching up for the cupboard-just an inch or two out of his reach from his seat in the wheelchair. They really need to start making accommodations for Sungmin in the dorm, he thinks.
“It’s okay, I’ll get it for you-”
“I said I can get it myself!” The older boy’s voice cuts through the kitchen, and Kyuhyun’s hand freezes halfway to the handle of the cupboard.
Kyuhyun steps away, quiet, and watches as Sungmin continues to struggle to reach the cupboard. One of his hands is reaching for the handle, while the other is supporting him on the counter. He misses it by a hair’s breadth, and accidentally pushes himself backwards away from the counter, even farther from where he started.
It’s quiet for a moment, and Kyuhyun says again, gently, “I can get it for you, if you want.”
Sungmin is hunched over in his wheelchair, his frame shaking imperceptibly. Kyuhyun figures he has too much pride to ask for a cup now, so he just takes it from the cupboard and places it on the counter, before leaving the room.
It’s funny, how life works. Although Sungmin is the one stuck in the wheelchair, Kyuhyun feels like the more useless one out of the two of them.
-
He wakes up in a cold sweat and nearly swears out loud.
This time, Sungmin had been giving him the best blowjob he can ever remember receiving. Kyuhyun lies there in bed, breathing heavily, feeling the blood pulsing in his groin.
“Kyuhyun-ah?” He freezes when he hears Sungmin from the other side of the room.
“Yeah?” His voice comes out raspy.
“Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?”
He swallows thickly, thinking that it’ll probably be too obvious if he just gets up and heads to the bathroom, so he stays put, willing his erection away. (Except it doesn’t exactly work like that.) “Yeah, just a nightmare. I’m fine, though.”
“Okay. Just making sure.”
(Yeah. Just a nightmare-a nightmare that he can’t get out of.)
-
Sungmin retires to their room early these days. He only stays out in the living room for an hour or two after dinner, before hiding away.
Kyuhyun doesn’t hear him play guitar, either. He realizes it’s because the armrests of his wheelchair get in the way. Sometimes, though, if he presses his ear hard enough against the door, he can hear Sungmin singing softly-and during those times, he feels a little bit of hope that things might really be okay.
When Kyuhyun enters their shared room that night, he’s so tired that he’s ready to pass out. Sungmin is in his wheelchair with his iPod on full blast, eyes closed and subtly nodding his head to the music. For a moment, Kyuhyun’s mind goes blank and all he can think about is how beautiful he is.
He steps over to Sungmin, and the older boy, sensing his presence, opens his eyes. “Hey.” He pulls out his earphones.
There is no smile on Sungmin’s lips, which is what drives Kyuhyun to kiss him.
Sungmin is responsive, but not as responsive as he used to be (and Kyuhyun wonders if he’s lost the will to try, or if he just doesn’t love him anymore), so he kisses him harder-gripping his face firmly and parting his lips wider. It’s a little difficult to kiss him like this, leaning down while he’s in his wheelchair, but he’ll take what he can get-anything to feel Sungmin close, anything to reassure him that he’s still here.
Sungmin’s hands reach up and fist Kyuhyun’s shirt. Their kiss quickly becomes heated, and Kyuhyun can’t stop-it’s been so long, too long-
They only pull apart for air, and Kyuhyun’s about to pick Sungmin him and lay him on the bed just so he can do this without hurting his back, but one of Sungmin’s hands trails down his chest and rests on the zipper of his jeans.
He freezes, glancing down. “Hyung?”
Sungmin palms his crotch once, and it sends a shiver down Kyuhyun’s spine.
“What are you doing?”
With his other hand, Sungmin pulls Kyuhyun down for another kiss. “Just go with it,” he says easily, voice low and incredibly seductive.
“But-”
“Sh.” Sungmin unbuttons his pants and pulls down the zipper, reaching into Kyuhyun’s briefs and pulling out his (soon not to be) limp member. “Did you think I didn’t notice how badly you wanted some action?”
“What-how did you-”
“You moan in your sleep, Kyu. And if that’s not enough of a hint, the tent you make with your blankets should be some indication.” Sungmin is stroking him now, slowly but with confidence. Kyuhyun shudders, thinking how wrong this is-how he can feel every callous of Sungmin’s hand, the cold metal of the ring on his finger, while Sungmin can’t even feel anything below his waist anymore-God, he pees into a bag, how will he ever even have an erection again?
He swallows thickly, not able to find the willpower to actually step away. “S-Stop, Sungmin-ah.” It comes out as more of a sigh.
“Why?” There’s a mixture of huskiness and contempt in Sungmin’s voice. “You like it.”
Kyuhyun’s breathing is becoming heavier now, and the only place that he can grab for some purchase is Sungmin’s shoulders. “You don’t have-to do this-” But it would be the biggest lie in the world to say that he wants to stop. Sungmin’s hand is so different from his own hand-his touch is distinct, and there’s no way Kyuhyun can ever recreate it.
“Just shut up and enjoy it.” Sungmin yanks him down for a rough kiss, and Kyuhyun isn’t sure if he should be worried or excited at how forceful he’s being.
(Sungmin pees into a fucking bag, and here Kyuhyun is, letting him get him off.)
He comes into Sungmin’s hand with a choked moan, and his knees quake, almost losing all strength to keep him standing. For a long moment, he supports himself on Sungmin’s shoulders, panting and feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment.
(What did he just do?)
He must be bruising Sungmin’s shoulders, he’s gripping them so hard, but if it hurts, the older boy doesn’t mention it.
“I can’t reach the tissues from here,” Sungmin says-a simple statement. Kyuhyun leans over and pulls a few tissues from the box, before proceeding to clean them up. His mind is whirring and his hands are shaking from the adrenaline that’s still flowing through his veins-he isn’t thinking straight, and he nearly trips over the legs of his pants when he goes to throw the tissues out. “Kyuhyun-ah? Are you okay?”
He turns around and stares at Sungmin, yanking up his pants and doing them up. “No,” he bites out, feeling something big and frightening well up in his stomach.
Sungmin bites his bottom lip. “You didn’t like that?”
“You thought I’d like that? What the hell is wrong with you, hyung?” Sungmin flinches visibly at his outburst, but Kyuhyun has to get this out, or else it’s going to drive him insane. “Don’t you get it? How am I supposed to enjoy something like that when it’s only one-sided? This-what the hell are we doing? You aren’t the Sungmin that I used to know! Where is the Sungmin I used to love?”
Sungmin stares at him, wide-eyed and looking as though Kyuhyun had just struck him-and he might as well have, because it would’ve had the same effect. “I don’t get it,” he whispers-sounding like nothing more than an echo of what Kyuhyun remembers him to be.
“If you have time to notice my wet dreams, you might as well spend that time thinking about how to pick yourself up,” he snarls. Those words hit home, and Sungmin’s eyes immediately fill up with tears of frustration.
“What the hell, Kyuhyun! I just wanted to make you happy, is that so wrong?”
“You being happy makes me happy, not a fucking handjob!”
He can’t stay here. Kyuhyun feels like he’s going to suffocate. Turning on his heel, he stalks out of the room and slams the door, loud enough to alert the entire dorm.
Eunhyuk and Donghae look up when he storms into their room. “You okay?” Eunhyuk asks, even though the answer is obvious.
He stares at his hyungs, remembering something. “I didn’t put Sungmin to bed.”
Wordlessly, Eunhyuk gets out of seat at his desk and heads over to the room across the hall to do the task that Kyuhyun usually does every night. The silence is deafening with Donghae, but that doesn’t stop Kyuhyun from forcing his way onto his small bed, burrowing underneath the covers. “I hope you don’t plan to sleep here tonight,” Donghae says, shifting to make room for him.
“I do,” Kyuhyun mumbles, burying his face into the older boy’s pillow.
Donghae sighs. “I don’t think this is a way to solve a problem.”
“Except there is no solution to a problem like this.” Kyuhyun is so tired of everyone telling him to fix things with Sungmin-it’s not like they know what it’s like. Donghae was in the same accident as Sungmin, but look at him-he’s fine now and only needs to go to one more check-up before he’ll be allowed to work full time again. Sungmin? Sungmin will never work full time again. Sungmin will never be a part of Super Junior ever again.
Eunhyuk returns, and Donghae tells him that Kyuhyun has invaded his bed. Eunhyuk says that Sungmin’s crying. Kyuhyun says that he doesn’t care.
(Except he does-but his heart can only break so many times before it’s impossible to break again.)
“Do you know how scared he was?” Donghae asks. Kyuhyun feels him sitting up, but he doesn’t bother to look up from the pillow. “When we were still in the hospital, Sungmin couldn’t stop talking about how he was afraid you’d leave him because he was so incompetent now. And yeah, this is hard for you, too-but you’re not the one who’ll be stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of your life.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t reply (because what is there to say, really), so he just pulls the covers up and over his head.
Donghae sleeps in Eunhyuk’s bed that night, and all Kyuhyun can think about his how beautifully they breathe in each other’s presence-in tandem, like they belong together. He wonders if he ever sounded that way with Sungmin.
-
Everyone has a breaking point. Some people reach theirs faster than others. Kyuhyun likes to think that he doesn’t have one.
(“Denial,” Sungmin has always said. “You’re just in denial.” And maybe he is.)
He’s never known silence to be so loud. Sungmin’s quiet presence has always been calming for him, but now, it’s suddenly suffocating. He can’t be in the same room as him anymore without wanting to turn tail and run-he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what Sungmin wants to say. And he’s afraid-so, so afraid, that the next time Sungmin speaks, it’ll be the end of them. Because as wrong as things are, Sungmin is still the only one for him.
Or maybe he isn’t. Maybe Kyuhyun’s the biggest coward of them all-maybe he’s just scared of being independent again. Maybe he’s scared of ruining Super Junior’s balance. Or maybe he’s just scared, period.
Everyone has a breaking point, and Kyuhyun is sure that he’s long overdue.
-
For the next few days, he hardly sees Sungmin at all because he’s busy at radio shows, interviews and press conferences, talking about what his plans are from now on. Nothing has been released to the public until now, and this makes Kyuhyun’s stomach sink-because now, it’s finally official. There’s no turning back anymore.
(And somehow, he can’t decide which is worse-being in his own shoes, or being in Sungmin’s. Because both seem to suck a great deal.)
He remembers laughter-he remembers performing together on the same stage, remembers sharing snacks between schedules, and talking until the early hours of the morning. Kyuhyun and Sungmin are made of something concrete-of promises and plans for the future. Where did all of that go?
He is with Ryeowook when the first tears fall-when the wall finally breaks, and his brittle bones crumble under the pressure. Kyuhyun can’t remember crying in front anyone other than Sungmin, but right now, he can’t even bother to care-there are too many things pent up inside and he just can’t deal with it anymore. In the blink of an eye, everything changed-Super Junior lost another part of itself, everyone’s upset, and he isn’t sure if he can even call Sungmin the love of his life anymore. When he feels Ryeowook’s arm around his shoulders, trying to calm him down, his hands clench into angry fists. Ryeowook doesn’t understand. Nobody fucking understands.
“I’ll make you some tea,” Ryeowook says quietly, standing from the couch and shuffling over to the kitchen. He’s singing a sad song quietly under his breath, and Kyuhyun can’t help but think that when Ryeowook sings a cappella, his voice sounds so desolate and lonely.
What’s going to happen now? Sungmin will be leaving soon. What is Kyuhyun going to say to him? Does Kyuhyun even want to be with him anymore? And even if he does, will he be able to handle it? Kyuhyun thought he was strong-but maybe he’s always just been deluding himself all along. No one is strong when they’re alone.
“What should I do?” he asks Ryeowook, taking the tea and sipping it. It’s bitter.
“I-” Ryeowook sounds at a loss for words. “Sometimes, I don’t think you really need an answer right away.”
“But I do.”
Ryeowook is so kind, the kindest of them all-but Kyuhyun can’t help but think that he’s not the least bit helpful.
“I don’t-” The older boy pauses, staring down at his own cup of tea. “I don’t want you or Sungmin-hyung to be hurt, but honestly speaking…I can’t see you two lasting if you don’t find a compromise. You guys are just-” And when he looks up at Kyuhyun, he realizes that his eyes are shining with tears. “You guys are just trying so hard, but can’t help but think that sometimes…instead of pushing forward, you need to let it go for a while.”
The thought of letting Sungmin go-Sungmin, who he’s been with for so long-Sungmin, who’s been Kyuhyun’s only-the thought of letting him go is just unbearable.
“Things might seem better if you guys keep trying,” Ryeowook presses on, “but the amount of pain is just going to accumulate over time, and it’s going to be worse than just breaking it off right now. Just please, Kyuhyun-ah-do what’s best.”
“Are you asking me to just end things with him?”
There’s a pause. “No,” Ryeowook says slowly. “You know the situation better than I do…but that’s the only solution I see. If you know something that I don’t, or an answer that I haven’t found-then you should go with that instead.”
Or maybe Ryeowook is helpful-maybe Kyuhyun just doesn’t want to admit that this might be the end.
“Hyung,” he says, voice cracking. “Will I be okay?”
“We’ll-” Ryeowook swallows back his tears. “We’ll make it through somehow.”
He hopes somehow is enough.
-
He can’t sleep that night, and when Sungmin returns and turns on the light in their room, Kyuhyun looks at him and only thinks one thing: he will never love anyone the way he loves him.
No words are spoken between them-neither of them knows what to say. Kyuhyun watches as he changes his shirt, forgoing the pants because he can’t change those unless he gets help, before trying to pull himself out of his wheelchair and into bed. Kyuhyun swallows the lump in his throat. So this is life, huh? This is how it’s going to be from now on.
“I’ll help,” he says, more as reassurance to himself than to Sungmin as he crosses the room and lifts the older boy out of his wheelchair and places him on the bed.
“Thanks,” Sungmin mutters, not looking at him.
There are so many things that Kyuhyun still wants to do with him-stay in and watch movies all day, not moving once from the couch, go out for a picnic on a summer day and just lie in the grass and breathe, share their first dance as a married couple, go to the beach and check out all of the girls before deciding that they like each other better-so many things, and he doesn’t know if they can do them anymore.
“Kyu?” Sungmin looks down at him when he suddenly presses his face into his shoulder, eyes wet. “What’s wrong?”
“I just-” Pride be damned, he is beyond his breaking point and he just needs to let it out somehow. “I love you so much, hyung, but I don’t know if this is going to work-I never want to leave you and I never really showed you how much I care, but”-here, he hiccups-“but I do, and you probably think that I don’t but I do and God, hyung, I’m so sorry-”
Sungmin hugs him so tightly that he’s sure he’ll suffocate. “I’m sorry too, Kyu,” he whispers, voice shaking. “I just can’t keep up with everything that’s changing.”
It’s no one’s fault, Kyuhyun thinks. It’s no one’s fault that things turned out this way.
“I think we should spend some time apart,” Sungmin says before he has a chance to say it first. “I thought about it for a while-staying together isn’t going to do either of us any good. I’m moving back in with my parents tomorrow, so it’ll give both of us some time to think.”
He clenches his fists so hard, he’s sure his nails have cut through his skin. What hurts the most is having to face something that you know will be best for you in the long run, but terrible for you in the short run. He doesn’t know where they’ll go from here-if they’ll ever get back together, if things will ever be okay again. If he’ll move on and find someone knew, or if he’ll be loving Sungmin for the rest of his life. The future is so bleak, and Kyuhyun never wants it to come.
“C’mon, Kyu-if you’re crying, shouldn’t I be bawling?”
“You are bawling.”
“Shut up, no I’m not!”
Kyuhyun laughs through his tears-a shaky, broken laugh-and he pulls away from Sungmin, roughly wiping his eyes. “If you ever take off that ring, I’m going to take it as an indication to move on.”
“The same goes to you.”
Sungmin cradles Kyuhyun to sleep that night-holds him in his arms and sings him lullabies. Give and take, Kyuhyun thinks-it’s always been give and take. He feels safe, pressed up against Sungmin like this-he feels like nothing can get him, not even the monsters that are hidden within himself. And this is how he finds his last shred of faith.
-
The other members don’t say a thing to Kyuhyun after Sungmin waves goodbye to all of them the next morning, promising to visit sometime. Kyuhyun feels an ache in his heart, and the thought of having a room all to himself doesn’t quite make him as happy as it should.
“Want to go have lunch together?” Donghae asks, slinging an arm around his shoulders.
There should be something wrong with things just ending like this, but Kyuhyun supposes that this is how life goes on. “Sure, hyung.” He goes to grab his jacket, fingering his ring, swearing that he’ll never take it off.
i don’t know why you guys like me writing kyumin so much anyway, since all i ever write about is them falling apart. OTL
i know the ending is kind of abrupt and choppy, but i wanted to get this out before the deadline for help_japan. ONE MORE DAY, GUYS, GO BID ON ME PLEASE~