haha well damn!
Ya know what i'm scared of? Being the old jess. I'm scared i wanna break windows again and loot stores and houses and hurt people and be a fucking dick again. I'm afraid if something happens i'll go back to fucking around and not caring who's heart i break. i liked it that way, not giving a shit about myself. I didn't hurt as much back then, i certainly didn't worry about fucking things up back then. Funny how it was only months ago. i want to see blood again and hate again. I dont want to let it happen tho. I realized the person i buried will always be alive, clawing at the dirt, screaming to be let out again, reminding me that it will always be there. It wants me to come running back to the arms of sweet ignorance and and evil as soon as i lose again, proving to me that i will never make it, i wasn't meant to be anything, that i cant keep anything or acomplish anything or be loved so i might as well fuck it and fuck over everthing and everyone i can get my hands on. I found my first comfort and happiness that way, the first feeling of true belonging in this world. Thats what i'm fucking afraid of, my own god damn self. I dont want to let that happen again. I wont. Its hard to hurt me, its like shooting arrows at a rock. But when you get into my skin and in my soul its easy, like finding that one missing scale on a dragon or some shit. Its probably like that for everybody. And it hurts, but at least not like the first time. It just makes you harder. Just makes it harder to trust. Harder to give a shit. I'm realizing a hell of alot about myself. Nothing is ever as good as it seems. Its gonna suck, and all i really have is myself. And that's ok with me i think, i like myself, i'm pretty fun. And i can break windows with my fist.