IMB/IBB 2014: How This Will End
Title: How This Will End
Pairing/Focus: Dongwoo/Woohyun (side!Woohyun/Key, Dongwoo/Hoya)
Length: 6,071 words
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Infinite disband and while Woohyun might be hanging off Dongwoo’s hinges, Kibum shines as bright as what Woohyun’s future could be.
Note: Title taken from Devotchka’s song, How It Ends. Thanks to Court for putting up with my fanatics and Rai for last minute beta-ing.
Sungyeol’s the only one that cries.
Sungjong doesn’t say anything, surprisingly. He sits down by himself and listens until everything’s over adding to the dire silence. He shrugs off Myungsoo and digs the tips of his fingernails into white flesh, forlorn and quiet. Eventually blood flows out.
Howon, Dongwoo and Woohyun never had a choice to begin with-or at least that’s what it felt like. Myungsoo glares at the floor with glassed over eyes, says he has acting anyway, looks at Sungjong, glares a little softer.
“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Sungyeol hisses. Even almost begs for an answer that no one can provide. And he’s so right, so god damn right. It’s manic how they turned into this; a group full of color to a despair filled spiral that never ends.
“Sungyeol,” Sunggyu sighs. He wants to apologize but he’s too tired, so damn sorry, too damn tired.
The voice ends. The syllables cut short. Sungyeol cries one last time and then stops. Walks out.
No one looks at each other. Adds to the spiral.
It’s ending.
Woollim announces the disbandment of Infinite over their website the next day. Then over an interview a day later. SM Entertainment announces their plans to claim Infinite H as their own hip-hop unit and carry on with Woohyun performing in Toheart as well as an upcoming solo artist four hours later.
Woohyun looks to his side and Dongwoo and Hoya are there like old times but the rest aren’t.
It’s ended.
Dongwoo is the first to pull him aside, just after the interviews end.
“I know it’s hard right now-“ Dongwoo stops to let someone through. The hallway they’re in is inconvenient and tightly packed with busy people but Dongwoo persists, because that’s what he’d always done when it came to Woohyun. He pulls him by the wrist into a vacant bathroom, ignoring the looks a few people send their way.
“It’s weird and I know it’s going to be harder for you, but it’ll be okay in the end.” Dongwoo says and grips Woohyun’s wrists tighter.
Woohyun doesn’t really think about what he means by harder for you or in the end in the first few months. Woohyun doesn’t really think about what he said at all. Time goes slowly, and the days stretch out while Woohyun, Dongwoo and Howon gradually move all their belongings to another dorm that’s closer to the SM building. It feels too languid, but it doesn’t feel strange.
On the morning they pack away their last things, it’s overcast but the humidity clings to Woohyun’s shirt. It starts raining and the three make a bolt for the door to be met with the other members. But it’s not members anymore, Woohyun has to remind himself over and over because they’re not a band, and this is Sunggyu, Sungyeol, Myungsoo and Sungjong, who are not members and stand unsure for a second until Dongwoo bounds towards them, laughing wholeheartedly. Woohyun doesn’t know what he’d do without him, sometimes.
While the group doesn’t talk like they used to, they still talk and Woohyun sums up that this is probably the last goodbye they’ll have (even if they don’t really say it). It mightn’t have felt strange earlier, but nothing feels right as himself, Dongwoo and Howon go one way in one car and the others stay behind.
The midnight traffic lights up the sky, but it’s clearly not a good enough reason for Woohyun to be distracted for Howon.
“Hey,” he whispers, “you okay?”
Woohyun looks over his shoulder and nods. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Howon shrugs. “Nothing I guess, you just look a little shocked,” he pauses, “I hope you’re…okay with all, this, you know. You haven’t really said much.”
“I’m fine.” Woohyun mumbles and turns back to the window. It’s funny, that out of the three, he’s getting treated like the youngest even though Howon is. Maybe this time around, he is on the young side but he still knows how to look after himself.
Of course, Woohyun had known it was coming before it had started. Sunggyu had told Dongwoo, and Dongwoo then told Woohyun in secret, because the two never had a secret between them.
“They’re keeping us three,” Woohyun’s eyes are drawn to Dongwoo’s adam apple. The way it bobs up and down as he gulps so audibly.
“They’re keeping us three and dropping the rest.” Dongwoo was usually calm and reassuring, at least to Woohyun, but at that moment his voiced hissed with the scarcity of a whistling kettle about to burst.
Time goes slowly, and it doesn’t get faster.
In the first weeks, SM uses Howon and Dongwoo a lot, always calling them in for dance practice or photo shoots, but not Woohyun. The new dorm seems useless with only Woohyun to occupy it. He comes to memorize what times every show starts and where every kitchen utensil is, having to help Dongwoo when he doesn’t know what drawers holds the bowls.
One day he cleans the whole dorm, humming his way through the hours until he realizes he’s subconsciously humming the tunes of Infinite songs. He can’t shake off the shudder that goes down his spine and has to clean the dorm all over again.
He still doesn’t think about what Dongwoo and Howon say to him, wondering if they have more meaning than they’re letting on. He doesn’t say anything either, because that’s what he’d brought himself to be so used to in the last couple of months-right before the disbandment. It’s easier anyway, he figured out, to say nothing then always trying to have your way and get nothing.
That night he turns on the news and his face is displayed on the big screen. It’s a dumb documentary about the treatment of idols and what makes them disband, with a few examples like DBSK but Infinite headlines. He watches until the end, even though he doesn’t really want to then goes to bed early that night, his eyes wide open and strained.
“He’s asleep,” he hears Dongwoo’s voice three hours later and finally closes them. He has a nightmare and wakes up at 3 a.m., stumbling out of his room with the woman’s voice haunting him. He finds he can’t get back to sleep, and turns on the T.V.
Woohyun had been stupid enough to think that if Dongwoo was leaving along with him, everything would be fine. They were best friends, even before debut-inseparable. You never saw Woohyun without Dongwoo, and that was something he took pride in, something he relied on. He relied too much because now he doesn’t even see Dongwoo. It’s like he’s swapped spots with Howon, because now it’s always Infinite H and practice and sorry Woohyun gotta go, maybe I’ll see you tomorrow but they never do. And it’s really fucking unfair because Woohyun remembers eating salty noodles in a diner the night they met each other, then Dongwoo drawing small circles on the flat of his back when Infinite started fighting three years later and all the things in between.
He has vocal practice at least once a day, but only for a short while. Usually it would be something he’d look forward to but now, sometimes, he can’t shake of the feeling, that-“Woohyun,” his singing coach says sternly and asks him to sit down.
“You know that while we intend to keep you for part of Toheart, the main reason was for a solo debut under our label.” And Woohyun knows that he’s basically saying, you’ve done this before but not for us.
“We are planning to start working on the new album in two months’ time.” Woohyun just nods, and doesn’t say anything because he knows¬-he’s getting bored. This shouldn’t happen. Singing is supposed to be his life. He runs all the way back to the dorm and makes Dongwoo jump in surprise when he slams the front door open.
“Howon went out to buy some ice-cream,” Dongwoo says with wide eyes and walks towards Woohyun, gently shutting the door. He looks worried.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Woohyun buries himself in Dongwoo’s arms because it’s the only thing he ever knew what to do when he had a problem. For the first time in three months after the disbandment, Woohyun cries like a baby. He doesn’t like this feeling he has and he doesn’t like the fact he describe it. He doesn’t like the new dorm, he doesn’t like anything. Like always, Dongwoo catches the mess he is and holds it tightly.
“It’s alright,” Dongwoo says. Woohyun expects him to ask about it, but he never does. “You’re kind of heavy though,” Dongwoo huffs, chuckling all the while though.
Woohyun straightens up. “Right,” he says. Wipes his sleeve on his eyes. “Sorry.”
Dongwoo is smiling and so are his eyes. Woohyun hadn’t known him for that long, but long enough to be able to figure out Dongwoo expressed through his stare. Woohyun finds tonight there’s neither reasurement nor hopelessness.
Toheart rehearsals start the next day. Woohyun feels more relieved than he feels necessary. The pristine smell of the practice room, the nagging of choreographers, the whole atmosphere is too comforting-maybe, but it’s a relief to see Kibum again-a friend again. It’s not that Dongwoo wasn’t, or Howon, or even Sungyeol, but with Kibum it was different. Relaxed, but different. And Woohyun can’t describe it, heck, Woohyun can’t describe anything these days.
“Hey,” Kibum mumbles, but he’s smiling widely. He holds out a can of drink to Woohyun who accepts it and takes a long swig without even asking what it is.
“White grape juice,” Kibum answers for him. His hair is plastered to his face. The room kind of smells.
“I won’t try and get you drunk at practice,” Kibum sniggers, “during the day, at least. Five in the afternoon isn’t an exception.”
Woohyun laughs. It doesn’t come out right, feeling as if it’s been encased for a long time. It squeaks, burns a little. It feels good, though.
Woohyun remembers the time he got himself drunk off Soju and Dongwoo found him with his head collapsed on the kitchen bench, then held it up all night on his shoulder so Woohyun wouldn’t throw up. Woohyun remembers the time he fell in the shower and concussed himself, and Dongwoo-the only one hearing-dragged him out, drying him with a towel on the toilet seat all through Woohyun’s half delusion mutters. Woohyun remembers the trouble they got in when they tried sneaking into A Pink’s dressing room during Show Champion to steal their food. The warmth of Dongwoo’s hand grasping his and the thrill he got from it. He decides to remind Dongwoo about it (the first part, at least), but he and Howon don’t get home until past midnight, Woohyun long retired to bed. Like most times, Woohyun gives up after a while.
Woohyun can’t describe the flashbacks. It doesn’t occur like a schedule. It’s not something like a nightmare. It’s not even out of his control, which is the worst part. It just happens and he lets it.
On a morning he has no practice, there’s a set of markets on the block opposite to his apartment. He wakes up just to see them setting up, to be fair though, he couldn’t sleep and had been staring out the window for two hours almost. He makes some coffee, drinks half of it and dumps the bitter remains in the bin before shrugging on his coat and walking across the street. He orders kimbap, because it’s the only thing he can afford out of the change in his back pocket. It’s 6:30am, naturally, the seller looks at him strangely. For a second he thinks it’s because he recognizes him and he’ll say, Hey, aren’t you from that band that broke up?. It doesn’t sound half as good in his head. The man doesn’t say anything anyway, just hands Woohyun his food and yawns loudly.
The rice is too salty, and the bitter aftertaste from the coffee lingers in his mouth and all of a sudden it rushes back to him, the first album and the late nights-“I got some kimbap” Sunggyu had said and Sungyeol threw himself at it. There’s radish stuck on Dongwoo’s upper lip as he passes Woohyun the food and he remembers that moment so well; Myungsoo was singing the chorus of one of their songs, Sungjong and Hoya were squished on a one man chair and Dongwoo kept passing him food. Maybe, just maybe he can feel it now and he can taste the radish on his tongue but it’s so damn stupid because he hasn’t even got radish in his kimbap today.
He could cry again, but that’s the thing, that today is today and that was then. He throws out the rest, having lost his appetite and walks briskly to the SM building. Maybe the wind he’s catching will freeze the tears. He needs someone to talk to.
Kibum offers him some noodles, but he declines.
“It’s not a big deal,” he wipes some sleep from eye, “I’d be creeped out by everything too, if, you know…” He stops there, hesitant whether to go into unmarked territory. They hadn’t really talked about, but then again, Woohyun hadn’t talked about it at all really, or even talked that much since for that matter.
Woohyun shrugs. “Sorry,” he says.
“What for?” Kibum asks, shoving some noodles in his mouth. Woohyun doesn’t know what to say.
“Waking you up.”
Kibum laughs. “I was up all night worrying about you anyway.”
It’s a long time before things start to go normal. There’s still the tabloids, and the occasional fan screaming at him madly for leaving the band. It wasn’t his fault, was it?
“There was nothing you could do about it, in the end.” Kibum tells him.
“Yeah,” Woohyun unties his shoelace, then ties it back up again. “I guess you’re right.”
“Woohyun.” Kibum says it fiercely this time. Woohyun looks at him half sheepishly. Kibum’s voice shakes with fondness. “There was nothing you could do.”
Kibum’s usually the one that makes it easier. Infinite H release a new album. They only come back to the dorm for five hours at the most. Woohyun thinks that maybe now they’ve stopped worrying over him. Maybe, he fears, they just don’t have time to.
Woohyun had known it had been coming but not like this-a slow brake to a sudden stop, a detachment. If the three were a relationship, Dongwoo and Howon would be together with Woohyun as the third wheel. Woohyun realizes what the two had been hinting at all along and feels it more than ever now, very much alone.
(He’s got Kibum, though.)
Woohyun has always looked up to Kibum as an idol. He was an aspiration in every way; singing, dancing, personality wise. There had never been a hyung thing with them, or even hoobae and sunbae. Kibum was Kibum and Woohyun was Woohyun and it was nice, just like that. (Woohyun always thought Kibum was the cooler one though).
If it wasn’t for Kibum, Woohyun doesn’t know what state he’d be in right now.
“I’m going to Paris for a week. Been invited to a fashion show,” Kibum calls him the night before he leaves. “Sorry for the short notice, but it’s pretty cool, huh.” At the least, Kibum had always been trendier.
“Yeah,” Woohyun croaks. Pauses. Regains himself. “Have fun over there.”
“Don’t miss me too much,” Kibum chuckles and Woohyun laughs back coolly because it’s the only thing he could think of doing.
Woohyun can only immerse himself in work when SM allows him to. For the first three days, he fills his lungs with preparement solo choreography. Then the practice rooms are booked out and Woohyun has to go home with no Kibum to walk with and no Dongwoo at the front door, no Howon with a bowl of ice-cream.
The first thing Woohyun does is to check if there is any. He finishes the rest of the tub, buys another one and finishes that. By then, it’s dark and Woohyun allows himself to fall into a deep sleep.
Only to wake up three hours later to a bolt lighting up his whole room. Thunder crashes wildly as Woohyun gasps and reaches for covers that aren’t there. He falls off the bed, chest heaving and covered with sweat. His head knocks against the bedframe hardly, ears ringing and-”Woohyun’s scared of thunder!”
Sungyeol had taunted and laughed when he first found out. It was two days after their debut. Not ideal, but they would have found out, sooner or later.
“Eat some ice-cream with me, you’ll feel better,” Howon grins and Sunggyu nags at him not to eat damn ice-cream in the middle of the night. Things were new, different now. Sunggyu was still new at this. Luckily Dongwoo had grown fond early on.
“You can sleep with me,” he said. The next morning, Sungyeol still teased him about it-he stumbles through the darkness, hands fumbling for his phone. He knocks over a small table in the process, cursing loudly but nevertheless holding the static to his ear. It was sad, how easily he remembered Sungyeol’s number. He doesn’t know what he’s hoping for, a friendly voice, someone to talk to even some god damn teasing. Sungyeol still doesn’t answer after the third call. Woohyun wails out to be met with an ear piercing crash of thunder.
The lights blind him.
“What the hell is going on?” Dongwoo hisses at the door. Woohyun tries to hide, looking down at the floor.
“I didn’t know you were here,” he croaks.
“It’s four in the morning Woohyun, where else would I be?” Dongwoo sounds even more tired than things to do with sleep. Thunder crashes again and it catches Woohyun off guard, making him flinch. It’s only then he realizes he’s crying. He doesn’t even try to redeem himself.
“Can I sleep with you?” He asks (luckily, Dongwoo had always been a little fond).
It was easier with just the three of them in an apartment. It meant that they all had separate rooms, and Dongwoo didn’t have to tell Howon that Woohyun went back to Dongwoo’s every night until Kibum came back. Dongwoo didn’t ask about Kibum either, he had known Woohyun long enough to know when and when not to push the boundaries.
Woohyun can’t say he doesn’t feel bad. He had been going to Kibum all this time when Dongwoo was right there, always, right there. And then when Kibum was gone, he would crawl back to Dongwoo and Dongwoo would be there, like he always had.
When Kibum returns, it doesn’t take long for Woohyun’s incident to travel to him.
“Dongwoo told me what happened, I know you didn’t want him to but he was worried. Thought he should let me know, after all, I practice with you every day.” Kibum says it like it’s simple. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone away so soon.”
Woohyun doesn’t want to look like he’s relying on Kibum, but it’s hard covering up something he knows is the truth.
Finding his feet is easier the second time around. Takes a few days.
“They’re going to start your solo rehearsals a week early. Keep you busy and stuff,” Dongwoo tells him.
They do, for Woohyun’s sake but once again he finds that he’s hardly seeing his roommates at all.
Dongwoo stays at his side, while he can. And Woohyun is thankful because Dongwoo had always brought a familiar wave of calm upon him. Sometimes, he thinks though, that Dongwoo notices Kibum is always on the other side, every single day.
“You can’t stay in my room forever,” Dongwoo jokes. Woohyun moves back to his.
He finds though, on the nights Dongwoo is gone, he goes back to the elders bed and tries to pretend another body is next to his.
It’s almost half a year before Woohyun performs on stage again; the last performance being with Infinite, before the disbandment. It’s for Toheart, in a festival in Shanghai.
“They still like you,” Kibum cracks a grin, patting him on the back, but still it’s so unsure, so surreal, god he shouldn’t feel like this. It’s like debut all over again but this time there’s no Dongwoo by his side, arm tight around his shoulder, whispering words of encouragement in his ear.
“The reviews are outstanding,” Soo-man reports. Woohyun’s in an interview with him and other man, most likely assumed his future manager for his solo career.
“The crowd loves you and they’ll love you even more as a solo act. I understand we’re ahead of schedule, but the sooner promotions start, the better,” he stands up, bows, and leads Woohyun to the door. “We begin recording tomorrow.”
The songs aren’t anything like Infinite’s. Like he used to sing. It’s a completely new spectrum to Woohyun, but not entirely in a bad way.
“What’s it like? How do you feel?” Dongwoo asks for the first time in weeks. It’s one of the rarer moments, when they’re both free to be with each other like they used to be every day. Muck around, tease each other, eat food, practice, it feels so good but so, so-
-“Different,” Woohyun replies. It’s the only word he can come up with.
On days with Dongwoo, things feel better than they are. Life, better than it is. The elder always had this effect on him, ever since debut. Luckily for Woohyun, Dongwoo had always been a little softer, made a little more time for him.
Albeit, there’s not much time anymore and Dongwoo cherishes every moment he gets. They’re best friends but lately when the light through the curtains hit Dongwoo’s thigh, he wonders how warm it would be next to his.
(He tries to forget it) He hopes he has more moments like this.
(He doesn’t) He doesn’t.
Dongwoo gradually grows further apart. With both of their activities going on, Woohyun probably sees the mailman more than he sees Dongwoo. He contemplates having a breakdown again, just so Dongwoo would come back and take care of him. But he doesn’t want to seem stupid and selfish. In the end, he decides that the space was okay. Dongwoo is living his dream, and so is he. They live together, after all.
“We’re going to need you to move to a different apartment,” his manager tells him eventually. “There’s no space to fit your practice in along with all the other artists. We’ve bought a new building about half an hour away. It’s only for a month, you can move back once we’ve cleared more room to fit you in.”
“I don’t want to move hyung,” he whimpers to Dongwoo. It’s been a while since he called Dongwoo that. Suddenly, Woohyun is nineteen again, pre-fame with Dongwoo’s arm around his shaking shoulders hoping everyone will like him when their music is released.
It’s alright, because Dongwoo helps Woohyun move in. He smiles and laughs, teasing Woohyun about all the useless things he owns. It’s like old times, the two cackling gleefully and throwing things around when Sunggyu let them share a room in the dorm. Like nothing has changed.
“Go on,” Dongwoo says. “Sing me one of your new songs.”
Woohyun had always sung well, but his confidence crackled under Dongwoo’s gaze today. He stopped in the middle, forgetting the rest of the lyrics.
“Keep going, you’re good.” Dongwoo doesn’t persist when Woohyun stays silent. Instead, he shows him different dance moves he’d been learning and Woohyun hates to admit it, but he wishes the spark of passion in Dongwoo’s eyes was for him.
“You seem lonely,” Kibum jokes one day. “I think you need a girlfriend.”
Woohyun had never thought about it-a girlfriend-a relationship. A girl. Sometimes at night he dreams about kimbap and radish stuck on lips and they most definitely do not belong to a girl.
He dunks his head in cold water that morning and tries to shake the dream away along with the water droplets as he towel dries his hair.
A relationship-Woohyun had never really thought about it.
Woohyun practices and practices and practices. Until his limbs are numb and hanging from their hinges. Until his throat is rough and arid like a coarse desert. He falls onto the sofa just as Dongwoo and Howon walk in both sporting new haircuts. They’ve dyed Dongwoo blonde.
He stands unsure before Woohyun. “What do you think? I’m not sure-”
Woohyun can’t even get a word out, his throat drying up again like he’d been waterless for years.
Woohyun practices until he memorizes every single lyric of every single one of his songs like they were the alphabet. He rehearses until he knows it by heart, by nature, and then learns them all over again. He finds a displeasing emptiness when he’s told to take a break, you’ve been working hard enough Woohyun, because now he doesn’t have anything to distract him. They don’t understand, Dongwoo doesn’t understand.
“You’re overworking,” he pauses. Thinks. Thinks he understands. “It’s only a month Woohyun,” he chuckles, “and then you’ll be with us again. We’ll come visit you. You won’t be alone.”
But when Woohyun stands isolate in his room, imagining the way Dongwoo’s breath felt on his neck, the way his hands moved in sync with his dancing body and sings his songs, he can’t remember a single lyric.
Maybe moving is a good idea, after all.
On the night before Woohyun moves out, he decides to leave the dorm to have dinner with Kibum and the rest of SHINee. He needed to get away. They’re tired but loud and joyful, having just finished a long recording and it’s nice, different, but a nice change.
When Woohyun tries to sneak in the house as quietly as he can that night, he doesn’t expect Dongwoo sitting on the sofa, waiting for him.
Woohyun curses, jolting from surprise. “You scared me,” he stutters at Dongwoo’s furious expression.
“What are you doing?” He asks, the sheepishness in his tone evident. He hadn’t told Dongwoo about leaving, or even Howon for that matter.
“Where were you?” Dongwoo’s voice is stern, scary almost.
“Why are you up-“
“Where in the hell were you Woohyun,” Dongwoo snaps. To his embarrassment, it makes Woohyun jolt again.
“I was just out with some friends-Kibum…SHINee,”” Woohyun mumbles.
“Do you understand how worried I was? You can’t just leave without telling us. You could have called, Jesus Woohyun, I thought you’d gone and ended yourself up in hospital or something,” Dongwoo is almost yelling, he’s furious but-
“You don’t have to take care of me,” Woohyun hisses. It’s a complete lie, he knows it, heck, from the last few months, it looks like Dongwoo knows it too. But he’s tired of this god damn feeling he gets when Dongwoo talks to him or even looks at him and he feels like he’s going to throw up.
“Woohyun,” Dongwoo rasps out. It sounds so desperate, so tired and Woohyun realizes that this is Dongwoo.
Dongwoo that stays up all night for him. Dongwoo, that lets him squeeze into his tiny ass single bed. Dongwoo, who had pulled Woohyun into his lap four (?) years ago before their first show broadcast and promised that Nam Woohyun is going to be the best singer anybody has ever seen in their whole entire life, who knew Kibum was always around but still persisted really embarrassingly like he always had. Dongwoo that had always been there for Woohyun when he needed it and waited up the whole night he had left in a dingy sofa, with the lamp turned down low.
A week after he moves into his new apartment, his album is released. The sales go record high, higher than any other album that year. It’s all new territory. Sure, he had experienced this all before but now people expected so much more, wanted so much more. This time round, the tabloids headline with, Nam Woohyun, THE GREATEST SINGER OF THIS YEAR.
If he said he knew how to handle it, he’d be lying. Naturally, the first person he goes to call is Dongwoo. As he’s about to type in the last numbers, he stills, then turns his phone off.
He turns it on later and dials Kibum.
Woohyun’s debut performance airs on Inkigayo and during the second verse, he starts singing lyrics to Come Back Again-was their first real single. Because it was the first time performing, everyone was ten times worse at remembering the lyrics. They practiced for days on end, turning to weeks and were warned that if they missed a single lyric, they’d be kicked out of the band. It was a joke, of course, but the members were too giddy to understand it or even pick it up-he misses a few seconds of the choreography but picks it up quicker than he left it off.
“No one even noticed,” Kibum assured him in the break. “It was only a tiny amount of time, barely anyone realized.”
That night Woohyun goes home and screams. He screams at the fact his stupid self let a flashback happen at the one moment he desperately didn’t need it to. The dumb documentary about Infinite breaking up that had been stuck in his head since he watched it. The fact he’s got a fucking crush on his best friend and they’re not even talking.
He goes to bed wondering the tabloids will now say, Nam Woohyun, THE CRAZIEST IDOL OF THIS YEAR.
To his relief, nothing happens and performances go on as usual. Until, a week later when himself and Infinite H are against each other to win Inkigayo. It’s all entirely fitting, seeing all the stupid shit that has come into place with him in the last months.
Infinite H win and he can’t help but wonder if Kibum was here with him, would it change anything.
Leading up to Infinite H’s goodbye stage a week later, they have special screening after interview after show about all the things Dongwoo and Howon do together and dumb MC questions like, what’s the relationship between you two? What’s it like performing with your best friend every day? Your ideal type?. Woohyun would like to think he’s shameless, but he doesn’t want admit that none of Dongwoo’s answers match up with him.
If Dongwoo has Howon, he has Kibum, anyway.
One of Kibum’s worst traits, is that he never persisted like Dongwoo, even at all for that matter. Dongwoo comes up to Woohyun after the broadcast ends.
“You did great,” he smiles and then adds on, “I’m not mad at you.” Woohyun doesn’t answer because those are the only words he didn’t want to hear so he could go on pretending he has a reason not to talk to Dongwoo.
“You too,” he replies, glancing at the way Dongwoo’s blonde locks cover his left eye. Much to his convenience, a stylist whisks him away moments later.
Dongwoo shows up at his apartment three days later. The sun is setting into a warm orange, matching Dongwoo’s t-shirt. He’s dressed awfully casually, something Woohyun realizes he hasn’t seen in months. Something he misses.
“Hi,” Woohyun squeaks out and offers for Dongwoo to come inside.
“Hi,” Dongwoo replies.
It’s beyond awkward and with a burn in his chest Woohyun realizes embarrassingly that this is the first time Dongwoo’s seen his new home.
“It’s big,” Dongwoo hums, looking at the bookshelves and pictures stacked on the empty spaces. He laughs at one but it soon drowns in the silence.
“Don’t be mad at me Woohyun,” Dongwoo has his back facing him, but the way the name rolls of Dongwoo’s tongue has Woohyun reeling, hands looking for support.
“You have a right to-I know-it’s hard because from the start it felt like Howon and I and then you-but-“ Dongwoo turns to face Woohyun, his hands grasped firmly together. Woohyun feels like an idiot because he just stands like a statue, unable to willingly move himself.
“It’s still you and me-Woohyun-I-you haven’t lost me,” The last bit is desperate, but comforting. Dongwoo steps forward causing Woohyun to subconsciously step back. Dongwoo barely laughs, stepping forward again.
“I don’t know why-well I do-I mean…I’ve got an idea but you-you’ve been acting weirdly around me and-“ Dongwoo stops and laughs at himself. Woohyun can feel his breath on his neck, Dongwoo is so god damn close to him it kills.
“I can’t even talk properly which is so stupid because-“ He pauses again before grumbling a, “fuck it,” and grasping Woohyun’s shirt collar hardly and pulling him into a much softer kiss.
It’s short and sweet, barely a touch of the lips before Dongwoo pulls back, eyes wide and face flushed. Woohyun would say something but he can’t because Dongwoo’s cheeks are fucking red and they just kissed. To his embarrassment, he makes a little squeak and dives in for more.
Woohyun hisses, short and sharp against Dongwoo’s lips. Dongwoo’s grip is rough, fingers calloused but his lips are so soft against Woohyun’s and, “you have no idea how long I’ve been-“ Dongwoo quiets Woohyun with another kiss, searching every crevice of his mouth, his skin.
“Tell me what you want,” Dongwoo rasps out.
Woohyun would tell him, and Woohyun could yell at him for only picking now to kiss him like this, and he could tell him that’s he’s not mad, he could never be mad-but right now, he just really wants to kiss him.
So he does, pulling Dongwoo’s hips up to meet his, stealing every needy kiss for what it’s worth. They move slowly, finding every surface in their way to push up against, push tighter against each other. Dongwoo kisses him with all the gentleness he can muster and smoothes out every crease he ever made in Woohyun’s body. Dongwoo may persist but he lets Woohyun take control when he knows the latter wants to. As soon as they’re in Woohyun’s bedroom, Dongwoo is being pushed onto the bed. Woohyun is soft with his actions, but he’s still fast to do them. Before Dongwoo can even get a word out, both their shirts are off, his socks hanging halfway off his feet.
“Woohyun,” Dongwoo’s voice is coarse and unbelievably hot. Woohyun feels Dongwoo’s hand place atop his and guide them from Dongwoo’s thigh, to his own. He’s kneeling but he bends down to kiss Woohyun’s eyelid as it flutters closed.
“Slow down,” Dongwoo utters, kissing Woohyun’s eyelid again, moving his further up Woohyun’s thigh, leaving the younger’s in the dust. If Woohyun wasn’t lying down on the bed, he would collapse right there and then.
Dongwoo’s breath vibrates against Woohyun’s kiss as he speaks, “I’m not leaving you.”
Woohyun wakes up the next morning absolutely freezing. It takes his as long as rubbing his eyes to realize it’s because he’s stark naked. He turns his head so fast around it cracks painfully. He groans, squinting his eyes to look at Dongwoo, who is equally as bare. Oh fuck, he remembers, quite gleefully actually, I just had sex with my best friend.
He turns back to face the ceiling, face ridden with mild shock, thinking of all the endless possibilities this could lead into and what the hell, do bandmates even fuck? Technically speaking, they aren’t bandmates any more so is it really that bad-
-“Morning,” He hears Dongwoo mumble from his side and seconds later, he’s being pulled into the elders chest earning another embarrassing squeak. Dongwoo laughs fondly, kissing the shell of his ear.
“Listen,” Dongwoo clears his throat. “I know it’s a week early, but I think there’s enough room for all this mess to come back to our dorm.” His fingertips press into Woohyun’s palm and Woohyun thinks about how much longer he wants them to stay there for-all that they have been through together. And if somewhere in there is his worst, Dongwoo has seen it and he's still here.
Six months ago, it may have felt like the ending, but right now, it’s only just the beginning.
Pairing/Focus: Dongwoo/Woohyun (side!Woohyun/Key, Dongwoo/Hoya)
Length: 6,071 words
Rating: PG-15
Summary: Infinite disband and while Woohyun might be hanging off Dongwoo’s hinges, Kibum shines as bright as what Woohyun’s future could be.
Note: Title taken from Devotchka’s song, How It Ends. Thanks to Court for putting up with my fanatics and Rai for last minute beta-ing.
Sungyeol’s the only one that cries.
Sungjong doesn’t say anything, surprisingly. He sits down by himself and listens until everything’s over adding to the dire silence. He shrugs off Myungsoo and digs the tips of his fingernails into white flesh, forlorn and quiet. Eventually blood flows out.
Howon, Dongwoo and Woohyun never had a choice to begin with-or at least that’s what it felt like. Myungsoo glares at the floor with glassed over eyes, says he has acting anyway, looks at Sungjong, glares a little softer.
“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Sungyeol hisses. Even almost begs for an answer that no one can provide. And he’s so right, so god damn right. It’s manic how they turned into this; a group full of color to a despair filled spiral that never ends.
“Sungyeol,” Sunggyu sighs. He wants to apologize but he’s too tired, so damn sorry, too damn tired.
The voice ends. The syllables cut short. Sungyeol cries one last time and then stops. Walks out.
No one looks at each other. Adds to the spiral.
It’s ending.
Woollim announces the disbandment of Infinite over their website the next day. Then over an interview a day later. SM Entertainment announces their plans to claim Infinite H as their own hip-hop unit and carry on with Woohyun performing in Toheart as well as an upcoming solo artist four hours later.
Woohyun looks to his side and Dongwoo and Hoya are there like old times but the rest aren’t.
It’s ended.
Dongwoo is the first to pull him aside, just after the interviews end.
“I know it’s hard right now-“ Dongwoo stops to let someone through. The hallway they’re in is inconvenient and tightly packed with busy people but Dongwoo persists, because that’s what he’d always done when it came to Woohyun. He pulls him by the wrist into a vacant bathroom, ignoring the looks a few people send their way.
“It’s weird and I know it’s going to be harder for you, but it’ll be okay in the end.” Dongwoo says and grips Woohyun’s wrists tighter.
Woohyun doesn’t really think about what he means by harder for you or in the end in the first few months. Woohyun doesn’t really think about what he said at all. Time goes slowly, and the days stretch out while Woohyun, Dongwoo and Howon gradually move all their belongings to another dorm that’s closer to the SM building. It feels too languid, but it doesn’t feel strange.
On the morning they pack away their last things, it’s overcast but the humidity clings to Woohyun’s shirt. It starts raining and the three make a bolt for the door to be met with the other members. But it’s not members anymore, Woohyun has to remind himself over and over because they’re not a band, and this is Sunggyu, Sungyeol, Myungsoo and Sungjong, who are not members and stand unsure for a second until Dongwoo bounds towards them, laughing wholeheartedly. Woohyun doesn’t know what he’d do without him, sometimes.
While the group doesn’t talk like they used to, they still talk and Woohyun sums up that this is probably the last goodbye they’ll have (even if they don’t really say it). It mightn’t have felt strange earlier, but nothing feels right as himself, Dongwoo and Howon go one way in one car and the others stay behind.
The midnight traffic lights up the sky, but it’s clearly not a good enough reason for Woohyun to be distracted for Howon.
“Hey,” he whispers, “you okay?”
Woohyun looks over his shoulder and nods. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Howon shrugs. “Nothing I guess, you just look a little shocked,” he pauses, “I hope you’re…okay with all, this, you know. You haven’t really said much.”
“I’m fine.” Woohyun mumbles and turns back to the window. It’s funny, that out of the three, he’s getting treated like the youngest even though Howon is. Maybe this time around, he is on the young side but he still knows how to look after himself.
Of course, Woohyun had known it was coming before it had started. Sunggyu had told Dongwoo, and Dongwoo then told Woohyun in secret, because the two never had a secret between them.
“They’re keeping us three,” Woohyun’s eyes are drawn to Dongwoo’s adam apple. The way it bobs up and down as he gulps so audibly.
“They’re keeping us three and dropping the rest.” Dongwoo was usually calm and reassuring, at least to Woohyun, but at that moment his voiced hissed with the scarcity of a whistling kettle about to burst.
Time goes slowly, and it doesn’t get faster.
In the first weeks, SM uses Howon and Dongwoo a lot, always calling them in for dance practice or photo shoots, but not Woohyun. The new dorm seems useless with only Woohyun to occupy it. He comes to memorize what times every show starts and where every kitchen utensil is, having to help Dongwoo when he doesn’t know what drawers holds the bowls.
One day he cleans the whole dorm, humming his way through the hours until he realizes he’s subconsciously humming the tunes of Infinite songs. He can’t shake off the shudder that goes down his spine and has to clean the dorm all over again.
He still doesn’t think about what Dongwoo and Howon say to him, wondering if they have more meaning than they’re letting on. He doesn’t say anything either, because that’s what he’d brought himself to be so used to in the last couple of months-right before the disbandment. It’s easier anyway, he figured out, to say nothing then always trying to have your way and get nothing.
That night he turns on the news and his face is displayed on the big screen. It’s a dumb documentary about the treatment of idols and what makes them disband, with a few examples like DBSK but Infinite headlines. He watches until the end, even though he doesn’t really want to then goes to bed early that night, his eyes wide open and strained.
“He’s asleep,” he hears Dongwoo’s voice three hours later and finally closes them. He has a nightmare and wakes up at 3 a.m., stumbling out of his room with the woman’s voice haunting him. He finds he can’t get back to sleep, and turns on the T.V.
Woohyun had been stupid enough to think that if Dongwoo was leaving along with him, everything would be fine. They were best friends, even before debut-inseparable. You never saw Woohyun without Dongwoo, and that was something he took pride in, something he relied on. He relied too much because now he doesn’t even see Dongwoo. It’s like he’s swapped spots with Howon, because now it’s always Infinite H and practice and sorry Woohyun gotta go, maybe I’ll see you tomorrow but they never do. And it’s really fucking unfair because Woohyun remembers eating salty noodles in a diner the night they met each other, then Dongwoo drawing small circles on the flat of his back when Infinite started fighting three years later and all the things in between.
He has vocal practice at least once a day, but only for a short while. Usually it would be something he’d look forward to but now, sometimes, he can’t shake of the feeling, that-“Woohyun,” his singing coach says sternly and asks him to sit down.
“You know that while we intend to keep you for part of Toheart, the main reason was for a solo debut under our label.” And Woohyun knows that he’s basically saying, you’ve done this before but not for us.
“We are planning to start working on the new album in two months’ time.” Woohyun just nods, and doesn’t say anything because he knows¬-he’s getting bored. This shouldn’t happen. Singing is supposed to be his life. He runs all the way back to the dorm and makes Dongwoo jump in surprise when he slams the front door open.
“Howon went out to buy some ice-cream,” Dongwoo says with wide eyes and walks towards Woohyun, gently shutting the door. He looks worried.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Woohyun buries himself in Dongwoo’s arms because it’s the only thing he ever knew what to do when he had a problem. For the first time in three months after the disbandment, Woohyun cries like a baby. He doesn’t like this feeling he has and he doesn’t like the fact he describe it. He doesn’t like the new dorm, he doesn’t like anything. Like always, Dongwoo catches the mess he is and holds it tightly.
“It’s alright,” Dongwoo says. Woohyun expects him to ask about it, but he never does. “You’re kind of heavy though,” Dongwoo huffs, chuckling all the while though.
Woohyun straightens up. “Right,” he says. Wipes his sleeve on his eyes. “Sorry.”
Dongwoo is smiling and so are his eyes. Woohyun hadn’t known him for that long, but long enough to be able to figure out Dongwoo expressed through his stare. Woohyun finds tonight there’s neither reasurement nor hopelessness.
Toheart rehearsals start the next day. Woohyun feels more relieved than he feels necessary. The pristine smell of the practice room, the nagging of choreographers, the whole atmosphere is too comforting-maybe, but it’s a relief to see Kibum again-a friend again. It’s not that Dongwoo wasn’t, or Howon, or even Sungyeol, but with Kibum it was different. Relaxed, but different. And Woohyun can’t describe it, heck, Woohyun can’t describe anything these days.
“Hey,” Kibum mumbles, but he’s smiling widely. He holds out a can of drink to Woohyun who accepts it and takes a long swig without even asking what it is.
“White grape juice,” Kibum answers for him. His hair is plastered to his face. The room kind of smells.
“I won’t try and get you drunk at practice,” Kibum sniggers, “during the day, at least. Five in the afternoon isn’t an exception.”
Woohyun laughs. It doesn’t come out right, feeling as if it’s been encased for a long time. It squeaks, burns a little. It feels good, though.
Woohyun remembers the time he got himself drunk off Soju and Dongwoo found him with his head collapsed on the kitchen bench, then held it up all night on his shoulder so Woohyun wouldn’t throw up. Woohyun remembers the time he fell in the shower and concussed himself, and Dongwoo-the only one hearing-dragged him out, drying him with a towel on the toilet seat all through Woohyun’s half delusion mutters. Woohyun remembers the trouble they got in when they tried sneaking into A Pink’s dressing room during Show Champion to steal their food. The warmth of Dongwoo’s hand grasping his and the thrill he got from it. He decides to remind Dongwoo about it (the first part, at least), but he and Howon don’t get home until past midnight, Woohyun long retired to bed. Like most times, Woohyun gives up after a while.
Woohyun can’t describe the flashbacks. It doesn’t occur like a schedule. It’s not something like a nightmare. It’s not even out of his control, which is the worst part. It just happens and he lets it.
On a morning he has no practice, there’s a set of markets on the block opposite to his apartment. He wakes up just to see them setting up, to be fair though, he couldn’t sleep and had been staring out the window for two hours almost. He makes some coffee, drinks half of it and dumps the bitter remains in the bin before shrugging on his coat and walking across the street. He orders kimbap, because it’s the only thing he can afford out of the change in his back pocket. It’s 6:30am, naturally, the seller looks at him strangely. For a second he thinks it’s because he recognizes him and he’ll say, Hey, aren’t you from that band that broke up?. It doesn’t sound half as good in his head. The man doesn’t say anything anyway, just hands Woohyun his food and yawns loudly.
The rice is too salty, and the bitter aftertaste from the coffee lingers in his mouth and all of a sudden it rushes back to him, the first album and the late nights-“I got some kimbap” Sunggyu had said and Sungyeol threw himself at it. There’s radish stuck on Dongwoo’s upper lip as he passes Woohyun the food and he remembers that moment so well; Myungsoo was singing the chorus of one of their songs, Sungjong and Hoya were squished on a one man chair and Dongwoo kept passing him food. Maybe, just maybe he can feel it now and he can taste the radish on his tongue but it’s so damn stupid because he hasn’t even got radish in his kimbap today.
He could cry again, but that’s the thing, that today is today and that was then. He throws out the rest, having lost his appetite and walks briskly to the SM building. Maybe the wind he’s catching will freeze the tears. He needs someone to talk to.
Kibum offers him some noodles, but he declines.
“It’s not a big deal,” he wipes some sleep from eye, “I’d be creeped out by everything too, if, you know…” He stops there, hesitant whether to go into unmarked territory. They hadn’t really talked about, but then again, Woohyun hadn’t talked about it at all really, or even talked that much since for that matter.
Woohyun shrugs. “Sorry,” he says.
“What for?” Kibum asks, shoving some noodles in his mouth. Woohyun doesn’t know what to say.
“Waking you up.”
Kibum laughs. “I was up all night worrying about you anyway.”
It’s a long time before things start to go normal. There’s still the tabloids, and the occasional fan screaming at him madly for leaving the band. It wasn’t his fault, was it?
“There was nothing you could do about it, in the end.” Kibum tells him.
“Yeah,” Woohyun unties his shoelace, then ties it back up again. “I guess you’re right.”
“Woohyun.” Kibum says it fiercely this time. Woohyun looks at him half sheepishly. Kibum’s voice shakes with fondness. “There was nothing you could do.”
Kibum’s usually the one that makes it easier. Infinite H release a new album. They only come back to the dorm for five hours at the most. Woohyun thinks that maybe now they’ve stopped worrying over him. Maybe, he fears, they just don’t have time to.
Woohyun had known it had been coming but not like this-a slow brake to a sudden stop, a detachment. If the three were a relationship, Dongwoo and Howon would be together with Woohyun as the third wheel. Woohyun realizes what the two had been hinting at all along and feels it more than ever now, very much alone.
(He’s got Kibum, though.)
Woohyun has always looked up to Kibum as an idol. He was an aspiration in every way; singing, dancing, personality wise. There had never been a hyung thing with them, or even hoobae and sunbae. Kibum was Kibum and Woohyun was Woohyun and it was nice, just like that. (Woohyun always thought Kibum was the cooler one though).
If it wasn’t for Kibum, Woohyun doesn’t know what state he’d be in right now.
“I’m going to Paris for a week. Been invited to a fashion show,” Kibum calls him the night before he leaves. “Sorry for the short notice, but it’s pretty cool, huh.” At the least, Kibum had always been trendier.
“Yeah,” Woohyun croaks. Pauses. Regains himself. “Have fun over there.”
“Don’t miss me too much,” Kibum chuckles and Woohyun laughs back coolly because it’s the only thing he could think of doing.
Woohyun can only immerse himself in work when SM allows him to. For the first three days, he fills his lungs with preparement solo choreography. Then the practice rooms are booked out and Woohyun has to go home with no Kibum to walk with and no Dongwoo at the front door, no Howon with a bowl of ice-cream.
The first thing Woohyun does is to check if there is any. He finishes the rest of the tub, buys another one and finishes that. By then, it’s dark and Woohyun allows himself to fall into a deep sleep.
Only to wake up three hours later to a bolt lighting up his whole room. Thunder crashes wildly as Woohyun gasps and reaches for covers that aren’t there. He falls off the bed, chest heaving and covered with sweat. His head knocks against the bedframe hardly, ears ringing and-”Woohyun’s scared of thunder!”
Sungyeol had taunted and laughed when he first found out. It was two days after their debut. Not ideal, but they would have found out, sooner or later.
“Eat some ice-cream with me, you’ll feel better,” Howon grins and Sunggyu nags at him not to eat damn ice-cream in the middle of the night. Things were new, different now. Sunggyu was still new at this. Luckily Dongwoo had grown fond early on.
“You can sleep with me,” he said. The next morning, Sungyeol still teased him about it-he stumbles through the darkness, hands fumbling for his phone. He knocks over a small table in the process, cursing loudly but nevertheless holding the static to his ear. It was sad, how easily he remembered Sungyeol’s number. He doesn’t know what he’s hoping for, a friendly voice, someone to talk to even some god damn teasing. Sungyeol still doesn’t answer after the third call. Woohyun wails out to be met with an ear piercing crash of thunder.
The lights blind him.
“What the hell is going on?” Dongwoo hisses at the door. Woohyun tries to hide, looking down at the floor.
“I didn’t know you were here,” he croaks.
“It’s four in the morning Woohyun, where else would I be?” Dongwoo sounds even more tired than things to do with sleep. Thunder crashes again and it catches Woohyun off guard, making him flinch. It’s only then he realizes he’s crying. He doesn’t even try to redeem himself.
“Can I sleep with you?” He asks (luckily, Dongwoo had always been a little fond).
It was easier with just the three of them in an apartment. It meant that they all had separate rooms, and Dongwoo didn’t have to tell Howon that Woohyun went back to Dongwoo’s every night until Kibum came back. Dongwoo didn’t ask about Kibum either, he had known Woohyun long enough to know when and when not to push the boundaries.
Woohyun can’t say he doesn’t feel bad. He had been going to Kibum all this time when Dongwoo was right there, always, right there. And then when Kibum was gone, he would crawl back to Dongwoo and Dongwoo would be there, like he always had.
When Kibum returns, it doesn’t take long for Woohyun’s incident to travel to him.
“Dongwoo told me what happened, I know you didn’t want him to but he was worried. Thought he should let me know, after all, I practice with you every day.” Kibum says it like it’s simple. “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone away so soon.”
Woohyun doesn’t want to look like he’s relying on Kibum, but it’s hard covering up something he knows is the truth.
Finding his feet is easier the second time around. Takes a few days.
“They’re going to start your solo rehearsals a week early. Keep you busy and stuff,” Dongwoo tells him.
They do, for Woohyun’s sake but once again he finds that he’s hardly seeing his roommates at all.
Dongwoo stays at his side, while he can. And Woohyun is thankful because Dongwoo had always brought a familiar wave of calm upon him. Sometimes, he thinks though, that Dongwoo notices Kibum is always on the other side, every single day.
“You can’t stay in my room forever,” Dongwoo jokes. Woohyun moves back to his.
He finds though, on the nights Dongwoo is gone, he goes back to the elders bed and tries to pretend another body is next to his.
It’s almost half a year before Woohyun performs on stage again; the last performance being with Infinite, before the disbandment. It’s for Toheart, in a festival in Shanghai.
“They still like you,” Kibum cracks a grin, patting him on the back, but still it’s so unsure, so surreal, god he shouldn’t feel like this. It’s like debut all over again but this time there’s no Dongwoo by his side, arm tight around his shoulder, whispering words of encouragement in his ear.
“The reviews are outstanding,” Soo-man reports. Woohyun’s in an interview with him and other man, most likely assumed his future manager for his solo career.
“The crowd loves you and they’ll love you even more as a solo act. I understand we’re ahead of schedule, but the sooner promotions start, the better,” he stands up, bows, and leads Woohyun to the door. “We begin recording tomorrow.”
The songs aren’t anything like Infinite’s. Like he used to sing. It’s a completely new spectrum to Woohyun, but not entirely in a bad way.
“What’s it like? How do you feel?” Dongwoo asks for the first time in weeks. It’s one of the rarer moments, when they’re both free to be with each other like they used to be every day. Muck around, tease each other, eat food, practice, it feels so good but so, so-
-“Different,” Woohyun replies. It’s the only word he can come up with.
On days with Dongwoo, things feel better than they are. Life, better than it is. The elder always had this effect on him, ever since debut. Luckily for Woohyun, Dongwoo had always been a little softer, made a little more time for him.
Albeit, there’s not much time anymore and Dongwoo cherishes every moment he gets. They’re best friends but lately when the light through the curtains hit Dongwoo’s thigh, he wonders how warm it would be next to his.
(He tries to forget it) He hopes he has more moments like this.
(He doesn’t) He doesn’t.
Dongwoo gradually grows further apart. With both of their activities going on, Woohyun probably sees the mailman more than he sees Dongwoo. He contemplates having a breakdown again, just so Dongwoo would come back and take care of him. But he doesn’t want to seem stupid and selfish. In the end, he decides that the space was okay. Dongwoo is living his dream, and so is he. They live together, after all.
“We’re going to need you to move to a different apartment,” his manager tells him eventually. “There’s no space to fit your practice in along with all the other artists. We’ve bought a new building about half an hour away. It’s only for a month, you can move back once we’ve cleared more room to fit you in.”
“I don’t want to move hyung,” he whimpers to Dongwoo. It’s been a while since he called Dongwoo that. Suddenly, Woohyun is nineteen again, pre-fame with Dongwoo’s arm around his shaking shoulders hoping everyone will like him when their music is released.
It’s alright, because Dongwoo helps Woohyun move in. He smiles and laughs, teasing Woohyun about all the useless things he owns. It’s like old times, the two cackling gleefully and throwing things around when Sunggyu let them share a room in the dorm. Like nothing has changed.
“Go on,” Dongwoo says. “Sing me one of your new songs.”
Woohyun had always sung well, but his confidence crackled under Dongwoo’s gaze today. He stopped in the middle, forgetting the rest of the lyrics.
“Keep going, you’re good.” Dongwoo doesn’t persist when Woohyun stays silent. Instead, he shows him different dance moves he’d been learning and Woohyun hates to admit it, but he wishes the spark of passion in Dongwoo’s eyes was for him.
“You seem lonely,” Kibum jokes one day. “I think you need a girlfriend.”
Woohyun had never thought about it-a girlfriend-a relationship. A girl. Sometimes at night he dreams about kimbap and radish stuck on lips and they most definitely do not belong to a girl.
He dunks his head in cold water that morning and tries to shake the dream away along with the water droplets as he towel dries his hair.
A relationship-Woohyun had never really thought about it.
Woohyun practices and practices and practices. Until his limbs are numb and hanging from their hinges. Until his throat is rough and arid like a coarse desert. He falls onto the sofa just as Dongwoo and Howon walk in both sporting new haircuts. They’ve dyed Dongwoo blonde.
He stands unsure before Woohyun. “What do you think? I’m not sure-”
Woohyun can’t even get a word out, his throat drying up again like he’d been waterless for years.
Woohyun practices until he memorizes every single lyric of every single one of his songs like they were the alphabet. He rehearses until he knows it by heart, by nature, and then learns them all over again. He finds a displeasing emptiness when he’s told to take a break, you’ve been working hard enough Woohyun, because now he doesn’t have anything to distract him. They don’t understand, Dongwoo doesn’t understand.
“You’re overworking,” he pauses. Thinks. Thinks he understands. “It’s only a month Woohyun,” he chuckles, “and then you’ll be with us again. We’ll come visit you. You won’t be alone.”
But when Woohyun stands isolate in his room, imagining the way Dongwoo’s breath felt on his neck, the way his hands moved in sync with his dancing body and sings his songs, he can’t remember a single lyric.
Maybe moving is a good idea, after all.
On the night before Woohyun moves out, he decides to leave the dorm to have dinner with Kibum and the rest of SHINee. He needed to get away. They’re tired but loud and joyful, having just finished a long recording and it’s nice, different, but a nice change.
When Woohyun tries to sneak in the house as quietly as he can that night, he doesn’t expect Dongwoo sitting on the sofa, waiting for him.
Woohyun curses, jolting from surprise. “You scared me,” he stutters at Dongwoo’s furious expression.
“What are you doing?” He asks, the sheepishness in his tone evident. He hadn’t told Dongwoo about leaving, or even Howon for that matter.
“Where were you?” Dongwoo’s voice is stern, scary almost.
“Why are you up-“
“Where in the hell were you Woohyun,” Dongwoo snaps. To his embarrassment, it makes Woohyun jolt again.
“I was just out with some friends-Kibum…SHINee,”” Woohyun mumbles.
“Do you understand how worried I was? You can’t just leave without telling us. You could have called, Jesus Woohyun, I thought you’d gone and ended yourself up in hospital or something,” Dongwoo is almost yelling, he’s furious but-
“You don’t have to take care of me,” Woohyun hisses. It’s a complete lie, he knows it, heck, from the last few months, it looks like Dongwoo knows it too. But he’s tired of this god damn feeling he gets when Dongwoo talks to him or even looks at him and he feels like he’s going to throw up.
“Woohyun,” Dongwoo rasps out. It sounds so desperate, so tired and Woohyun realizes that this is Dongwoo.
Dongwoo that stays up all night for him. Dongwoo, that lets him squeeze into his tiny ass single bed. Dongwoo, who had pulled Woohyun into his lap four (?) years ago before their first show broadcast and promised that Nam Woohyun is going to be the best singer anybody has ever seen in their whole entire life, who knew Kibum was always around but still persisted really embarrassingly like he always had. Dongwoo that had always been there for Woohyun when he needed it and waited up the whole night he had left in a dingy sofa, with the lamp turned down low.
A week after he moves into his new apartment, his album is released. The sales go record high, higher than any other album that year. It’s all new territory. Sure, he had experienced this all before but now people expected so much more, wanted so much more. This time round, the tabloids headline with, Nam Woohyun, THE GREATEST SINGER OF THIS YEAR.
If he said he knew how to handle it, he’d be lying. Naturally, the first person he goes to call is Dongwoo. As he’s about to type in the last numbers, he stills, then turns his phone off.
He turns it on later and dials Kibum.
Woohyun’s debut performance airs on Inkigayo and during the second verse, he starts singing lyrics to Come Back Again-was their first real single. Because it was the first time performing, everyone was ten times worse at remembering the lyrics. They practiced for days on end, turning to weeks and were warned that if they missed a single lyric, they’d be kicked out of the band. It was a joke, of course, but the members were too giddy to understand it or even pick it up-he misses a few seconds of the choreography but picks it up quicker than he left it off.
“No one even noticed,” Kibum assured him in the break. “It was only a tiny amount of time, barely anyone realized.”
That night Woohyun goes home and screams. He screams at the fact his stupid self let a flashback happen at the one moment he desperately didn’t need it to. The dumb documentary about Infinite breaking up that had been stuck in his head since he watched it. The fact he’s got a fucking crush on his best friend and they’re not even talking.
He goes to bed wondering the tabloids will now say, Nam Woohyun, THE CRAZIEST IDOL OF THIS YEAR.
To his relief, nothing happens and performances go on as usual. Until, a week later when himself and Infinite H are against each other to win Inkigayo. It’s all entirely fitting, seeing all the stupid shit that has come into place with him in the last months.
Infinite H win and he can’t help but wonder if Kibum was here with him, would it change anything.
Leading up to Infinite H’s goodbye stage a week later, they have special screening after interview after show about all the things Dongwoo and Howon do together and dumb MC questions like, what’s the relationship between you two? What’s it like performing with your best friend every day? Your ideal type?. Woohyun would like to think he’s shameless, but he doesn’t want admit that none of Dongwoo’s answers match up with him.
If Dongwoo has Howon, he has Kibum, anyway.
One of Kibum’s worst traits, is that he never persisted like Dongwoo, even at all for that matter. Dongwoo comes up to Woohyun after the broadcast ends.
“You did great,” he smiles and then adds on, “I’m not mad at you.” Woohyun doesn’t answer because those are the only words he didn’t want to hear so he could go on pretending he has a reason not to talk to Dongwoo.
“You too,” he replies, glancing at the way Dongwoo’s blonde locks cover his left eye. Much to his convenience, a stylist whisks him away moments later.
Dongwoo shows up at his apartment three days later. The sun is setting into a warm orange, matching Dongwoo’s t-shirt. He’s dressed awfully casually, something Woohyun realizes he hasn’t seen in months. Something he misses.
“Hi,” Woohyun squeaks out and offers for Dongwoo to come inside.
“Hi,” Dongwoo replies.
It’s beyond awkward and with a burn in his chest Woohyun realizes embarrassingly that this is the first time Dongwoo’s seen his new home.
“It’s big,” Dongwoo hums, looking at the bookshelves and pictures stacked on the empty spaces. He laughs at one but it soon drowns in the silence.
“Don’t be mad at me Woohyun,” Dongwoo has his back facing him, but the way the name rolls of Dongwoo’s tongue has Woohyun reeling, hands looking for support.
“You have a right to-I know-it’s hard because from the start it felt like Howon and I and then you-but-“ Dongwoo turns to face Woohyun, his hands grasped firmly together. Woohyun feels like an idiot because he just stands like a statue, unable to willingly move himself.
“It’s still you and me-Woohyun-I-you haven’t lost me,” The last bit is desperate, but comforting. Dongwoo steps forward causing Woohyun to subconsciously step back. Dongwoo barely laughs, stepping forward again.
“I don’t know why-well I do-I mean…I’ve got an idea but you-you’ve been acting weirdly around me and-“ Dongwoo stops and laughs at himself. Woohyun can feel his breath on his neck, Dongwoo is so god damn close to him it kills.
“I can’t even talk properly which is so stupid because-“ He pauses again before grumbling a, “fuck it,” and grasping Woohyun’s shirt collar hardly and pulling him into a much softer kiss.
It’s short and sweet, barely a touch of the lips before Dongwoo pulls back, eyes wide and face flushed. Woohyun would say something but he can’t because Dongwoo’s cheeks are fucking red and they just kissed. To his embarrassment, he makes a little squeak and dives in for more.
Woohyun hisses, short and sharp against Dongwoo’s lips. Dongwoo’s grip is rough, fingers calloused but his lips are so soft against Woohyun’s and, “you have no idea how long I’ve been-“ Dongwoo quiets Woohyun with another kiss, searching every crevice of his mouth, his skin.
“Tell me what you want,” Dongwoo rasps out.
Woohyun would tell him, and Woohyun could yell at him for only picking now to kiss him like this, and he could tell him that’s he’s not mad, he could never be mad-but right now, he just really wants to kiss him.
So he does, pulling Dongwoo’s hips up to meet his, stealing every needy kiss for what it’s worth. They move slowly, finding every surface in their way to push up against, push tighter against each other. Dongwoo kisses him with all the gentleness he can muster and smoothes out every crease he ever made in Woohyun’s body. Dongwoo may persist but he lets Woohyun take control when he knows the latter wants to. As soon as they’re in Woohyun’s bedroom, Dongwoo is being pushed onto the bed. Woohyun is soft with his actions, but he’s still fast to do them. Before Dongwoo can even get a word out, both their shirts are off, his socks hanging halfway off his feet.
“Woohyun,” Dongwoo’s voice is coarse and unbelievably hot. Woohyun feels Dongwoo’s hand place atop his and guide them from Dongwoo’s thigh, to his own. He’s kneeling but he bends down to kiss Woohyun’s eyelid as it flutters closed.
“Slow down,” Dongwoo utters, kissing Woohyun’s eyelid again, moving his further up Woohyun’s thigh, leaving the younger’s in the dust. If Woohyun wasn’t lying down on the bed, he would collapse right there and then.
Dongwoo’s breath vibrates against Woohyun’s kiss as he speaks, “I’m not leaving you.”
Woohyun wakes up the next morning absolutely freezing. It takes his as long as rubbing his eyes to realize it’s because he’s stark naked. He turns his head so fast around it cracks painfully. He groans, squinting his eyes to look at Dongwoo, who is equally as bare. Oh fuck, he remembers, quite gleefully actually, I just had sex with my best friend.
He turns back to face the ceiling, face ridden with mild shock, thinking of all the endless possibilities this could lead into and what the hell, do bandmates even fuck? Technically speaking, they aren’t bandmates any more so is it really that bad-
-“Morning,” He hears Dongwoo mumble from his side and seconds later, he’s being pulled into the elders chest earning another embarrassing squeak. Dongwoo laughs fondly, kissing the shell of his ear.
“Listen,” Dongwoo clears his throat. “I know it’s a week early, but I think there’s enough room for all this mess to come back to our dorm.” His fingertips press into Woohyun’s palm and Woohyun thinks about how much longer he wants them to stay there for-all that they have been through together. And if somewhere in there is his worst, Dongwoo has seen it and he's still here.
Six months ago, it may have felt like the ending, but right now, it’s only just the beginning.