Our time is almost, our time is almost here
well, it's a new year. a lot has happened in just these 10 days, let alone the days since I updated my journal last.
- I've been having a lot of fun over in Massachusetts with my housemates and friends. we party and drink and smoke and talk and, for the first time in my life, I feel like I really have a home. I thought I missed being back in Vacaville, with my friends here (and I do miss my friends in the Bay Area), but I had honestly forgotten why I wanted to leave in the first place: living with my parents is, quite frankly, unbearable. I'll get to that later.. but then came the time for the semester to end, and everyone in Amherst packed up their stuff and left, leaving me pretty much alone.
- I had a little over 1 week to myself in that house. my break started on the 16th, and I left for home on the 25th. in that time, I got high, watched TV (the entirety of Game Of Thrones), and generally relaxed and did nothing. it started to become unbearable after a while, and I longed for human contact. eventually, though, my parents purchased a plane ticket for me home, for the 25th, and I was out of there.
- the morning that I left, I was watching Indiana Jones and smoking my hookah. I thought Greg, his son, and I were going straight to the aeroport, but instead, I had to wait at his house and meet his family. it was.. interesting, to say the least. when his wife and daughter got home, it was obvious that they were fighting about something, so I figured I would just sit in the kitchen and stay quiet... apparently, that wasn't going to be an option. the daughter, who's name escapes me at this moment (I'm pretty sure it's Sarah), was talking to me.. the first time I met her, she looked quite plain, but this time, she was actually well-dressed, and, well, very pretty. if she wasn't 14 and immature, I would have swept her off her feet. with that said, I did flirt with her. I think she's taken a liking to me.. the entire time, she kept talking to me, asking me questions, and following me around. it reminded me of a time when I was 7, and a girl did the same to me.. I thought it quite odd at the time, but even as a 7 year old, the next day, I realized that she probably was smitten with me. I realized it much sooner this time, and hell, I reciprocated, and flirted with her a tad. it was also plainly obvious by the way she was looking and smiling at me. I think even Landlord Greg noticed. then Grandma came home, and tried to give me a church pamphlet on preventing teen pregnancy- and then was surprised when I told her that I'm 23... but that didn't stop her from suggesting to Sarah, "oh, you know, you could have sat on Jesse's lap" (that remark made Sarah blush intensely, which is actually kind of adorable) after we 6 people had crammed into the car. I would have gladly been crammed back there with Sarah and Adrian and.. whatever his wife's name is.. but he insisted that I sit up front, rather than watching Adventure Time and Regular Show with Sarah. she also has terrible taste in music, and I kind of want to give her a mix CD with some of my favourite bands so that she can have better music to listen to. Greg kept telling both of them that they have to at least be party to the conversation he was having with everyone else in the car.. oh, and at some later point, the grandmother was on the phone with someone, and referred to me as "Adrian's friend". Greg remarked, "look at that, you've been upgraded: tenant to party animal to friend in less than a few months!" that's also when I learned that his wife thinks that we're all party animals. and then I was dropped off at the Bradley Aeroport, where I spent 3 hours browsing the web before I took my drugs and caught the flight.
- I grow and sell shrooms now.. the colonies are starting, with thanks to Calvin for helping get everything started. Britney and him have really become my best friends over there.. well, all my other housemates, and a few other people too. and I was on shrooms during the plane ride. they really hit me when I was watching Adventure Time on this tablet.. it was the episode "What Was Missing?" in the scene when Marceline sings the song on top of the Door Lord's door.. that song was fucking intense.. I really like all of the lore and background that's been added to Adventure Time, and Marceline's song about her relationship with Princess Bubblegum (they were apparently lovers some time ago) just made me realize it for the first time. it really is a great show. shrooms are now probably my favourite drug.
- I hung out with Joey and Sean at Sean's house on the 26th or 27th.. I can't quite remember. we smoked hookah, a small amount of weed, and drank. we just talked and caught up. it was exactly what I wanted to do. it felt great.. I learned about who's still in Vacaville, and who does what, and all that. I hope to see my friends go to great places in the future.
- I've been hanging out and smoking with Devan for the last few days, including New Years, which I spent in San Francisco (along with Travis Allas). New Years was a shitload of fun: I talked to an incredibly beautiful girl on the BART (even got her phone number), had a drunk jewish kid mistake me for another jew, smoked and drank, gave out free hugs (with a sign), had some guy hand us a joint, Devan gave out weed and keef, made friends, almost got jumped in the ghetto (thank you, Devan, for protecting me- I owe you.. even though you will never read this), and just wandered around and did.. things. oh, and I saw Jaida there too. then we disappeared before she could say much more. midnight of the new year started with me on the BART again, heading to Travis' house, where we ate, and I sobered up. I got home around 4:30.
- I met up with my friends from the French Club at Nut Tree Plaza.. not all of them (Cat, Holly, Farrah, and Amanda weren't there), but plenty. we got burgers from Five Guys.. never been there before, but it was good.. even stole a potato.
- Devan and I went up to see Taylor and her friends in Antelope.. on the way there, we had a serious scare: blazed as hell, there was a fucking man walking on the freeway- in front of my car. I seriously almost hit him.. fortunately, even stoned, I'm a capable driver; I swerved and braked, avoiding him by at least 30 or 40 centimeters. once we arrived, we smoked even more, I met her friends, and we all just hung out. I was busy in my own little world, but still doing well and having fun. I remember her friend railed off about a guy who was 21 and trying to sleep with one of her friends who was 15.. all I could think was "damn.. I'm 23 and Devan is 21- look who you're hanging out with!" but she's cool.
- 2 days ago, my mom took my car and found pot scattered throughout the passenger side, after Devan spilled his bag of weed.. that was the night we drove over to hang out and smoke with Steven, Julie, and Katie (Julie's youngest- and cutest- sister). that was a lot of fun, playing Quels, talking, getting to see everyone, and getting to see Katie- and getting to smoke with her! Devan said some stuff that upset her, but I was able to put a smile on her face.. I sure did flirt with her a lot that night. I probably could have even gotten a kiss from her. but yes... next day, around noon, my dad yelled at me about how I'm ruining my life by smoking pot, hanging out with losers, and proceeded to poke me with a piece of wood, and flail around a tube of carpenter's glue. he even threatened to withdraw me from UMass, kick me out of the house, and ruin my life. to summarize, here's what I wrote to Larisa, my new friend from Australia:
"one of my friend's spilled a bag of weed in my car.. I thought I had all of it cleaned up, but apparently not... so, when my mom took my car for a drive this morning, she had quite a surprise. so, she told my dad, and he yelled at me for a few minutes, right after I had stepped out of the shower. I don't care so much that they were angry, or made me clean the car (I was planning on cleaning it before leaving anyway; even before he spilled his weed everywhere)... but damn, I wish my parents would at least treat me like an adult, and talk to me like one, rather than screaming and ranting about how I'm ruining my life... and then threaten to kick me out, steal money out of MY checking account, send me to jail, have my friends arrested, and literally ruin my life? what the hell is that shit? the vacaville police aren't going to arrest me, and the only things ruining my life are my parents... I wish I could understand... back in Massachusetts, my housemate, Calvin, said that his parents are the best and most caring people that he knows... and, honestly, I was kind of jealous when he said that... I've never thought of my parents as loving or caring... they're bitter, angry, cruel, and petty. even my french professor asked me if I was close with my parents, because every once in a while, we would have writing assignments asking to describe a parent or what life was like when you were a child... and I would always leave those questions blank or ask for a different prompt if it was an important assignment. when my host family in Paris asked me to describe my family to them, I tried to dodge the question for a few minutes by saying "je ne suis pas pres avec mes parents", but that didn't deter them.. so I had to admit that I don't like talking about my family because my parents are terrible people... now I'm ranting.."
I've had doubts about my diagnoses of Asperger's syndrome for a long time, but I'm seriously starting to think that it's far more likely that I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder from the nearly 20 years of almost nightly abuse they put me through... apparently it's very common in child abuse cases, and I match all of the symptoms... I was pretty depressed about what he said to me. I just want them to stop treating me like a child.. I'm a grown man, and I can make my own decisions. I can only hope that one day I can break away from them for good. I think I want to move to Australia; Larisa makes it seem so inviting.. and she's there too, being beautiful and single. I still have my eye set on going back to Paris, though.. but I definitely want to go to Australia too.
I think for the next entry, I'll elaborate on some of the memories I've had over the past few months..
- I've been having a lot of fun over in Massachusetts with my housemates and friends. we party and drink and smoke and talk and, for the first time in my life, I feel like I really have a home. I thought I missed being back in Vacaville, with my friends here (and I do miss my friends in the Bay Area), but I had honestly forgotten why I wanted to leave in the first place: living with my parents is, quite frankly, unbearable. I'll get to that later.. but then came the time for the semester to end, and everyone in Amherst packed up their stuff and left, leaving me pretty much alone.
- I had a little over 1 week to myself in that house. my break started on the 16th, and I left for home on the 25th. in that time, I got high, watched TV (the entirety of Game Of Thrones), and generally relaxed and did nothing. it started to become unbearable after a while, and I longed for human contact. eventually, though, my parents purchased a plane ticket for me home, for the 25th, and I was out of there.
- the morning that I left, I was watching Indiana Jones and smoking my hookah. I thought Greg, his son, and I were going straight to the aeroport, but instead, I had to wait at his house and meet his family. it was.. interesting, to say the least. when his wife and daughter got home, it was obvious that they were fighting about something, so I figured I would just sit in the kitchen and stay quiet... apparently, that wasn't going to be an option. the daughter, who's name escapes me at this moment (I'm pretty sure it's Sarah), was talking to me.. the first time I met her, she looked quite plain, but this time, she was actually well-dressed, and, well, very pretty. if she wasn't 14 and immature, I would have swept her off her feet. with that said, I did flirt with her. I think she's taken a liking to me.. the entire time, she kept talking to me, asking me questions, and following me around. it reminded me of a time when I was 7, and a girl did the same to me.. I thought it quite odd at the time, but even as a 7 year old, the next day, I realized that she probably was smitten with me. I realized it much sooner this time, and hell, I reciprocated, and flirted with her a tad. it was also plainly obvious by the way she was looking and smiling at me. I think even Landlord Greg noticed. then Grandma came home, and tried to give me a church pamphlet on preventing teen pregnancy- and then was surprised when I told her that I'm 23... but that didn't stop her from suggesting to Sarah, "oh, you know, you could have sat on Jesse's lap" (that remark made Sarah blush intensely, which is actually kind of adorable) after we 6 people had crammed into the car. I would have gladly been crammed back there with Sarah and Adrian and.. whatever his wife's name is.. but he insisted that I sit up front, rather than watching Adventure Time and Regular Show with Sarah. she also has terrible taste in music, and I kind of want to give her a mix CD with some of my favourite bands so that she can have better music to listen to. Greg kept telling both of them that they have to at least be party to the conversation he was having with everyone else in the car.. oh, and at some later point, the grandmother was on the phone with someone, and referred to me as "Adrian's friend". Greg remarked, "look at that, you've been upgraded: tenant to party animal to friend in less than a few months!" that's also when I learned that his wife thinks that we're all party animals. and then I was dropped off at the Bradley Aeroport, where I spent 3 hours browsing the web before I took my drugs and caught the flight.
- I grow and sell shrooms now.. the colonies are starting, with thanks to Calvin for helping get everything started. Britney and him have really become my best friends over there.. well, all my other housemates, and a few other people too. and I was on shrooms during the plane ride. they really hit me when I was watching Adventure Time on this tablet.. it was the episode "What Was Missing?" in the scene when Marceline sings the song on top of the Door Lord's door.. that song was fucking intense.. I really like all of the lore and background that's been added to Adventure Time, and Marceline's song about her relationship with Princess Bubblegum (they were apparently lovers some time ago) just made me realize it for the first time. it really is a great show. shrooms are now probably my favourite drug.
- I hung out with Joey and Sean at Sean's house on the 26th or 27th.. I can't quite remember. we smoked hookah, a small amount of weed, and drank. we just talked and caught up. it was exactly what I wanted to do. it felt great.. I learned about who's still in Vacaville, and who does what, and all that. I hope to see my friends go to great places in the future.
- I've been hanging out and smoking with Devan for the last few days, including New Years, which I spent in San Francisco (along with Travis Allas). New Years was a shitload of fun: I talked to an incredibly beautiful girl on the BART (even got her phone number), had a drunk jewish kid mistake me for another jew, smoked and drank, gave out free hugs (with a sign), had some guy hand us a joint, Devan gave out weed and keef, made friends, almost got jumped in the ghetto (thank you, Devan, for protecting me- I owe you.. even though you will never read this), and just wandered around and did.. things. oh, and I saw Jaida there too. then we disappeared before she could say much more. midnight of the new year started with me on the BART again, heading to Travis' house, where we ate, and I sobered up. I got home around 4:30.
- I met up with my friends from the French Club at Nut Tree Plaza.. not all of them (Cat, Holly, Farrah, and Amanda weren't there), but plenty. we got burgers from Five Guys.. never been there before, but it was good.. even stole a potato.
- Devan and I went up to see Taylor and her friends in Antelope.. on the way there, we had a serious scare: blazed as hell, there was a fucking man walking on the freeway- in front of my car. I seriously almost hit him.. fortunately, even stoned, I'm a capable driver; I swerved and braked, avoiding him by at least 30 or 40 centimeters. once we arrived, we smoked even more, I met her friends, and we all just hung out. I was busy in my own little world, but still doing well and having fun. I remember her friend railed off about a guy who was 21 and trying to sleep with one of her friends who was 15.. all I could think was "damn.. I'm 23 and Devan is 21- look who you're hanging out with!" but she's cool.
- 2 days ago, my mom took my car and found pot scattered throughout the passenger side, after Devan spilled his bag of weed.. that was the night we drove over to hang out and smoke with Steven, Julie, and Katie (Julie's youngest- and cutest- sister). that was a lot of fun, playing Quels, talking, getting to see everyone, and getting to see Katie- and getting to smoke with her! Devan said some stuff that upset her, but I was able to put a smile on her face.. I sure did flirt with her a lot that night. I probably could have even gotten a kiss from her. but yes... next day, around noon, my dad yelled at me about how I'm ruining my life by smoking pot, hanging out with losers, and proceeded to poke me with a piece of wood, and flail around a tube of carpenter's glue. he even threatened to withdraw me from UMass, kick me out of the house, and ruin my life. to summarize, here's what I wrote to Larisa, my new friend from Australia:
"one of my friend's spilled a bag of weed in my car.. I thought I had all of it cleaned up, but apparently not... so, when my mom took my car for a drive this morning, she had quite a surprise. so, she told my dad, and he yelled at me for a few minutes, right after I had stepped out of the shower. I don't care so much that they were angry, or made me clean the car (I was planning on cleaning it before leaving anyway; even before he spilled his weed everywhere)... but damn, I wish my parents would at least treat me like an adult, and talk to me like one, rather than screaming and ranting about how I'm ruining my life... and then threaten to kick me out, steal money out of MY checking account, send me to jail, have my friends arrested, and literally ruin my life? what the hell is that shit? the vacaville police aren't going to arrest me, and the only things ruining my life are my parents... I wish I could understand... back in Massachusetts, my housemate, Calvin, said that his parents are the best and most caring people that he knows... and, honestly, I was kind of jealous when he said that... I've never thought of my parents as loving or caring... they're bitter, angry, cruel, and petty. even my french professor asked me if I was close with my parents, because every once in a while, we would have writing assignments asking to describe a parent or what life was like when you were a child... and I would always leave those questions blank or ask for a different prompt if it was an important assignment. when my host family in Paris asked me to describe my family to them, I tried to dodge the question for a few minutes by saying "je ne suis pas pres avec mes parents", but that didn't deter them.. so I had to admit that I don't like talking about my family because my parents are terrible people... now I'm ranting.."
I've had doubts about my diagnoses of Asperger's syndrome for a long time, but I'm seriously starting to think that it's far more likely that I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder from the nearly 20 years of almost nightly abuse they put me through... apparently it's very common in child abuse cases, and I match all of the symptoms... I was pretty depressed about what he said to me. I just want them to stop treating me like a child.. I'm a grown man, and I can make my own decisions. I can only hope that one day I can break away from them for good. I think I want to move to Australia; Larisa makes it seem so inviting.. and she's there too, being beautiful and single. I still have my eye set on going back to Paris, though.. but I definitely want to go to Australia too.
I think for the next entry, I'll elaborate on some of the memories I've had over the past few months..