(no subject)
I wish I had a camera on me right now. I'm hunched over the desk with Arry laying on my back, draped over my shoulder. She loves climbing on people's backs. I just pulled her out of the Christmas tree a few minutes ago. She'll take it down if it's the last thing she does. I made up a story for her. She is Destructo, sent here from another dimension and trusted to my care. Only by sacrificing a fake tree to her every year can her powers be contained. Okay now she's biting my hair.
Speaking of my hair, I bought Rogaine. Yes, I'm that age. It was time. I wouldn't want to start looking like blakecharlton. Haha. I got a four months supply in the mail today, which is about how long it takes to see results. So we will see how it works. It's easy to apply and doesn't smell, but it leaves my hair looking like a rat's nest. I may shave my head again so it's easier to apply and I can track the growth better. (Feels his head...) Actually it's not too bad. Better to apply it when the hair is wet, I think.
I got the supervisor job with the US Census. I DO NOT WANT IT, but I couldn't justify saying no. It's a job, and I can always upgrade. It does not pay the bills, so my savings will continue to be drained until I'm in the position known as up shit's creek. Perhaps then will I have the gumption to go get a better job. I'm just so lazy when it comes to job hunting.
But I refuse to define myself by my job. Its purpose is to sustain my writing until I'm good enough for my writing to sustain itself. When will that be? 1 year? 5 years? 20? I don't know, and it can't matter or I will lose my mind. But it will be someday.
(Destructo has left my back and I hear her undecorating the tree. Thoughtful of her, but she's about a month early.)
This is a strange new world we live in where writers don't have to labor alone in their homes, seldom emerging for contact with others. The internet changes things. Sometimes it's a great thing. Nothing can inspire you like seeing others go through the same thing you are or aspire to, especially those not too far ahead on the path. Other times it's overwhelming and depressing. When you yearn so hard to be THERE and find yourself stuck HERE, seeming to run in quicksand, you can be tempted to just stop.
But I stopped for too many years in my 20s when I let discouragement overcome me, and I refuse to do it again.
This time of year is always hard for me. I know a lot of people get depressed around Christmas for one reason or another. For me it may simply be the lack of sunlight as much as the holiday itself. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 8, if you can believe it. And I had actually started going to a psychologist when I was 5. I went again for awhile when I was 11(ish. I can't really remember.) Any doctor would tell me I should still be on antidepressants. I don't function well sometimes. I can get completely muddled so easily and lose track of what I'm doing or was thinking. Motivation becomes almost impossible in that state of mind.
It usually starts with a trigger, I think. For instance the aforementioned lack of sunlight. But also it can be an event, such as getting a low paying job that under-utilizes my skills and makes me feel subhuman. Throw in a holiday where I'm reminded how alone I am, and you end up with a pitiful stew which is not fertile ground for creativity. That romantic notion of depression leading to creativity is bull shit. Depression leads to laziness and apathy.
But I've learned to function like this. For instance, I need to have clear overarching goals that I can carry around with me and then refer back to when my brain stops working. "What am I? What am I doing? Does this matter?" all get answered with, the goal is to write. The subgoal is to finish this draft. The step to finish the draft is to write each night. Then I don't let myself dwell on the questions. When my mind wants to go there, I just force it back to the goal, sub-goals, and steps. That's the path. Trust my state of mind when I set the path. Question the path when I'm in a healthy state of mind again. Meanwhile, don't think. Just put one foot in front of the other.
I mention all this to remind myself. It's getting bad, but it's not as bad as it's going to get once winter wears on and I've been doing that new job for awhile (which starts Dec 13th). Then yes, this blog may become full of wallowing self pity, so you have been warned.
Now it's time to write. I'm tackling a subplot which I deliberately did not outline. I'm trying the Stephen King approach of just taking a character and throwing him in a situation and watching him try to get out. I'm interested to see what happens. I think I need to define the situation a little better first.
Current word count: 88,077
Speaking of my hair, I bought Rogaine. Yes, I'm that age. It was time. I wouldn't want to start looking like blakecharlton. Haha. I got a four months supply in the mail today, which is about how long it takes to see results. So we will see how it works. It's easy to apply and doesn't smell, but it leaves my hair looking like a rat's nest. I may shave my head again so it's easier to apply and I can track the growth better. (Feels his head...) Actually it's not too bad. Better to apply it when the hair is wet, I think.
I got the supervisor job with the US Census. I DO NOT WANT IT, but I couldn't justify saying no. It's a job, and I can always upgrade. It does not pay the bills, so my savings will continue to be drained until I'm in the position known as up shit's creek. Perhaps then will I have the gumption to go get a better job. I'm just so lazy when it comes to job hunting.
But I refuse to define myself by my job. Its purpose is to sustain my writing until I'm good enough for my writing to sustain itself. When will that be? 1 year? 5 years? 20? I don't know, and it can't matter or I will lose my mind. But it will be someday.
(Destructo has left my back and I hear her undecorating the tree. Thoughtful of her, but she's about a month early.)
This is a strange new world we live in where writers don't have to labor alone in their homes, seldom emerging for contact with others. The internet changes things. Sometimes it's a great thing. Nothing can inspire you like seeing others go through the same thing you are or aspire to, especially those not too far ahead on the path. Other times it's overwhelming and depressing. When you yearn so hard to be THERE and find yourself stuck HERE, seeming to run in quicksand, you can be tempted to just stop.
But I stopped for too many years in my 20s when I let discouragement overcome me, and I refuse to do it again.
This time of year is always hard for me. I know a lot of people get depressed around Christmas for one reason or another. For me it may simply be the lack of sunlight as much as the holiday itself. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 8, if you can believe it. And I had actually started going to a psychologist when I was 5. I went again for awhile when I was 11(ish. I can't really remember.) Any doctor would tell me I should still be on antidepressants. I don't function well sometimes. I can get completely muddled so easily and lose track of what I'm doing or was thinking. Motivation becomes almost impossible in that state of mind.
It usually starts with a trigger, I think. For instance the aforementioned lack of sunlight. But also it can be an event, such as getting a low paying job that under-utilizes my skills and makes me feel subhuman. Throw in a holiday where I'm reminded how alone I am, and you end up with a pitiful stew which is not fertile ground for creativity. That romantic notion of depression leading to creativity is bull shit. Depression leads to laziness and apathy.
But I've learned to function like this. For instance, I need to have clear overarching goals that I can carry around with me and then refer back to when my brain stops working. "What am I? What am I doing? Does this matter?" all get answered with, the goal is to write. The subgoal is to finish this draft. The step to finish the draft is to write each night. Then I don't let myself dwell on the questions. When my mind wants to go there, I just force it back to the goal, sub-goals, and steps. That's the path. Trust my state of mind when I set the path. Question the path when I'm in a healthy state of mind again. Meanwhile, don't think. Just put one foot in front of the other.
I mention all this to remind myself. It's getting bad, but it's not as bad as it's going to get once winter wears on and I've been doing that new job for awhile (which starts Dec 13th). Then yes, this blog may become full of wallowing self pity, so you have been warned.
Now it's time to write. I'm tackling a subplot which I deliberately did not outline. I'm trying the Stephen King approach of just taking a character and throwing him in a situation and watching him try to get out. I'm interested to see what happens. I think I need to define the situation a little better first.
Current word count: 88,077