Gone to Hell (Fic: SGA/X-Files)
OK, this may be worse than writing ass-labor.
Slice from X-Files/Stargate-Atlantis Crossover Crack!Fic from Hell.
I blame two people, pentapus, who had a "Write a drabble and I'll draw a doodle" fest. I wrote this little bit (briefly: Scully & Mulder go to Atlantis to talk to them about Space Vampires). pentapus drew this beautiful but cracky picture.
Then for the Porn Battle someone (*cough* havocthecat *cough*) requested "Mulder/Hermiod." She said she's going to hell for wanting it.
I'm IN hell for WRITING it!
Anyway. The beginning got cut off for the Porn Battle (4300 character limit), so here's the whole thing.
One day I'll fit it all together.
Three long weeks to Atlantis. Mulder was going bored out of his skull. He could sit in the mess, he could wander through some of the labs, but a bunch of sections of the Daedalus were off-limits to him. And Fox Mulder being Fox Mulder, he couldn't stop wondering why. Especially after hearing that under-the-breath muttering about "alien fixation."
Fixated, was he?
Scully was keeping busy catching up on doctor-stuff with the ship's doctor. Mulder had his laptop, but there was only so much porn you could watch. Only so many times you could jack off, alone in your assigned room.
Of course, he went wandering.
--
Getting past the guard had been easy. She was walking a regular pattern (they should know better than that on this ship) and he'd slipped right by. He was through the hatch and down 3 flights probably before she was anywhere near again.
So far he hadn't found anything particularly interesting. He was thinking of turning around when he turned a corner and ran into a 3' tall gray being. When he stumbled backwards, he smacked his head. Hard.
The lights went out.
--
He woke up back in his room, lying in his bunk. The 3' tall gray being was there. It was ... it was going through his laptop?!?
An alien was going through his laptop. And, from the sounds of it, watching his porn.
It must have realized he was awake, because it turned to him and said, "I have heard much of your mating practices but have never had witness to any of them. Is this recording of your mates?"
Inside his head a little voice was screaming at him. An alien. An alien was talking to him.
Wait. Just how hard DID he hit his head? It was pounding like mad.
"Are you capable of speech?" the alien inquired. It slowly blinked it's big eyes at him.
"Uh, yeah, I, uh. Ok, this is weird." Mulder was beyond words.
"What is it that you find, as you say, 'weird'?"
"I'm lying on my bunk, talking to a little gray alien. Scully is not going to believe this."
"Hmmm," the alien seemed to ponder for a moment, "perhaps she shall not." It turned back to his laptop. "Meanwhile, please tell me more about these mating rituals."
"That's, uh." Crap. How do you explain porn to an alien? "It's fictional. Entertainment."
The alien looked confused, if a bit frustrated. "Your species records fictional mating rituals for entertainment? I do not understand your race. At all."
"Yes, well, it's common for single people, uh, mostly males, to watch this stuff when we don't have any other partner with us. Although some couples, uh," ok, now he was explaining watching porn. To an alien. The pounding in his head seemed to get worse.
"I see. Can you show me how these rituals are consummated?" the alien inquired.
"What?! No!! Well, I mean, I don't think you have... that is, I don't... Look, I can't see how it would work between us!"
The alien's big eyes blinked again. "That is a valid point. In that case, when single humans watch these recordings, what rituals do they practice alone? Would you be willing to provide an example so that I may learn?"
Mulder thought his head was going to literally explode, right there. The alien was asking him to jack off for him? Absurdly, he thought of telling the alien that he got $20 for doing that.
Maybe he could talk his way out of this. Where was Scully when he needed her?!? "Look, my head is pounding, and I'm not really in, er, the mood-"
The alien came over and put a hand on his chest. Suddenly the pain in his head calmed down and he started feeling a familiar tightness in his pants.
"Oh my god," Mulder exclaimed, "What did you do to me?"
"I merely helped you along with both matters," said the alien with what seemed to be absolute sincerity. "Now, let me see..."
Mulder's headache might have died down, but the little voice was yelling even louder. A little 3' gray alien was undoing his belt and pulling down the zipper of his pants.
"Your costumes are so needlessly constrictive," the alien commented, almost absently, as it opened up Mulder's pants and pulled down his shorts, so that his erection was free.
"Hmmm," was all the alien said as it felt the length of his cock. It was stroking it up, then down. Up, then down. Up, then down.
"Fluid?" the alien muttered, staring at the tip, still stroking.
"It's, um..., like, lubrication," Mulder managed to say.
"Ah," said the alien, and leaned over to taste it. Mulder gasped at the sensation.
The alien had a very, very tiny tongue. "Hmmm. Interesting," it commented. "The flavor is reminiscent of- mm. Not that you would know." The alien leaned down to taste again.
Mulder arched his back right off the bed.
The alien pulled back. "Intriguing reaction."
"No," Mulder said with a disturbingly whiny note to his croaking voice, sure his sanity was long, long gone, "Please. If- If you're real, please. Please either leave me or don't stop. Don't. Please."
The little gray alien leaned back over and started rubbing Mulder again. "Is this what you wish of me?" it inquired.
"Yes, oh, please." Mulder was about to break into pieces. "Please! Faster."
The alien looked at him, tilting it's head. "Why?"
"Please," Mulder was clearly whining now, "Faster!"
The alien asked again, "Why? I do not understand."
"Because," Mulder gasped, "Because-" and then lost all coherency as he came, yelling, his back arched nearly painfully, come spurting all over himself as well as the alien's hand.
With a groan, Mulder fell back onto the bed, closing his eyes as he tried to slow his breathing. "This is not real," he thought to himself. "I did not just get jerked off by an alien. I hit my head too hard. I had some kind of weird wet dream. I am asleep." He opened his eyes.
The alien was still there. It was watching him, while seeming to suck Mulder's come off it's fingers.
"I must leave now," it said, "I have duties to complete. Thank you for the information about your species' mating rituals."
And then it left.
Mulder rolled over with a groan. He knew he should get up and clean himself up. If Scully found him like this she'd assume he was jacking off to porn. Again. And forget about trying to explain it.
---
Later in the engineering section. Lindsay Novak ran up to greet Hermiod as he went to his station.
"Oh, Hermiod! There you are! I've been looking for you. I have those reports you wanted."
"I am sorry, Dr. Novak, I was delayed in some research elsewhere on the ship."
*Uh-oh,* thought Lindsay, remembering previous conversations with the Asgard. Aloud she said, "Hermiod, have you been messing around with the passengers?"
"Dr. Novak, I cannot believe you would even think such a thing of me. Now, we need to start realigning the navigation crystals."
With a look that was half disbelief and half amusement, she turned to her task.
While her back was turned, Hermiod took one last lick from his hand.
Slice from X-Files/Stargate-Atlantis Crossover Crack!Fic from Hell.
I blame two people, pentapus, who had a "Write a drabble and I'll draw a doodle" fest. I wrote this little bit (briefly: Scully & Mulder go to Atlantis to talk to them about Space Vampires). pentapus drew this beautiful but cracky picture.
Then for the Porn Battle someone (*cough* havocthecat *cough*) requested "Mulder/Hermiod." She said she's going to hell for wanting it.
I'm IN hell for WRITING it!
Anyway. The beginning got cut off for the Porn Battle (4300 character limit), so here's the whole thing.
One day I'll fit it all together.
Three long weeks to Atlantis. Mulder was going bored out of his skull. He could sit in the mess, he could wander through some of the labs, but a bunch of sections of the Daedalus were off-limits to him. And Fox Mulder being Fox Mulder, he couldn't stop wondering why. Especially after hearing that under-the-breath muttering about "alien fixation."
Fixated, was he?
Scully was keeping busy catching up on doctor-stuff with the ship's doctor. Mulder had his laptop, but there was only so much porn you could watch. Only so many times you could jack off, alone in your assigned room.
Of course, he went wandering.
--
Getting past the guard had been easy. She was walking a regular pattern (they should know better than that on this ship) and he'd slipped right by. He was through the hatch and down 3 flights probably before she was anywhere near again.
So far he hadn't found anything particularly interesting. He was thinking of turning around when he turned a corner and ran into a 3' tall gray being. When he stumbled backwards, he smacked his head. Hard.
The lights went out.
--
He woke up back in his room, lying in his bunk. The 3' tall gray being was there. It was ... it was going through his laptop?!?
An alien was going through his laptop. And, from the sounds of it, watching his porn.
It must have realized he was awake, because it turned to him and said, "I have heard much of your mating practices but have never had witness to any of them. Is this recording of your mates?"
Inside his head a little voice was screaming at him. An alien. An alien was talking to him.
Wait. Just how hard DID he hit his head? It was pounding like mad.
"Are you capable of speech?" the alien inquired. It slowly blinked it's big eyes at him.
"Uh, yeah, I, uh. Ok, this is weird." Mulder was beyond words.
"What is it that you find, as you say, 'weird'?"
"I'm lying on my bunk, talking to a little gray alien. Scully is not going to believe this."
"Hmmm," the alien seemed to ponder for a moment, "perhaps she shall not." It turned back to his laptop. "Meanwhile, please tell me more about these mating rituals."
"That's, uh." Crap. How do you explain porn to an alien? "It's fictional. Entertainment."
The alien looked confused, if a bit frustrated. "Your species records fictional mating rituals for entertainment? I do not understand your race. At all."
"Yes, well, it's common for single people, uh, mostly males, to watch this stuff when we don't have any other partner with us. Although some couples, uh," ok, now he was explaining watching porn. To an alien. The pounding in his head seemed to get worse.
"I see. Can you show me how these rituals are consummated?" the alien inquired.
"What?! No!! Well, I mean, I don't think you have... that is, I don't... Look, I can't see how it would work between us!"
The alien's big eyes blinked again. "That is a valid point. In that case, when single humans watch these recordings, what rituals do they practice alone? Would you be willing to provide an example so that I may learn?"
Mulder thought his head was going to literally explode, right there. The alien was asking him to jack off for him? Absurdly, he thought of telling the alien that he got $20 for doing that.
Maybe he could talk his way out of this. Where was Scully when he needed her?!? "Look, my head is pounding, and I'm not really in, er, the mood-"
The alien came over and put a hand on his chest. Suddenly the pain in his head calmed down and he started feeling a familiar tightness in his pants.
"Oh my god," Mulder exclaimed, "What did you do to me?"
"I merely helped you along with both matters," said the alien with what seemed to be absolute sincerity. "Now, let me see..."
Mulder's headache might have died down, but the little voice was yelling even louder. A little 3' gray alien was undoing his belt and pulling down the zipper of his pants.
"Your costumes are so needlessly constrictive," the alien commented, almost absently, as it opened up Mulder's pants and pulled down his shorts, so that his erection was free.
"Hmmm," was all the alien said as it felt the length of his cock. It was stroking it up, then down. Up, then down. Up, then down.
"Fluid?" the alien muttered, staring at the tip, still stroking.
"It's, um..., like, lubrication," Mulder managed to say.
"Ah," said the alien, and leaned over to taste it. Mulder gasped at the sensation.
The alien had a very, very tiny tongue. "Hmmm. Interesting," it commented. "The flavor is reminiscent of- mm. Not that you would know." The alien leaned down to taste again.
Mulder arched his back right off the bed.
The alien pulled back. "Intriguing reaction."
"No," Mulder said with a disturbingly whiny note to his croaking voice, sure his sanity was long, long gone, "Please. If- If you're real, please. Please either leave me or don't stop. Don't. Please."
The little gray alien leaned back over and started rubbing Mulder again. "Is this what you wish of me?" it inquired.
"Yes, oh, please." Mulder was about to break into pieces. "Please! Faster."
The alien looked at him, tilting it's head. "Why?"
"Please," Mulder was clearly whining now, "Faster!"
The alien asked again, "Why? I do not understand."
"Because," Mulder gasped, "Because-" and then lost all coherency as he came, yelling, his back arched nearly painfully, come spurting all over himself as well as the alien's hand.
With a groan, Mulder fell back onto the bed, closing his eyes as he tried to slow his breathing. "This is not real," he thought to himself. "I did not just get jerked off by an alien. I hit my head too hard. I had some kind of weird wet dream. I am asleep." He opened his eyes.
The alien was still there. It was watching him, while seeming to suck Mulder's come off it's fingers.
"I must leave now," it said, "I have duties to complete. Thank you for the information about your species' mating rituals."
And then it left.
Mulder rolled over with a groan. He knew he should get up and clean himself up. If Scully found him like this she'd assume he was jacking off to porn. Again. And forget about trying to explain it.
---
Later in the engineering section. Lindsay Novak ran up to greet Hermiod as he went to his station.
"Oh, Hermiod! There you are! I've been looking for you. I have those reports you wanted."
"I am sorry, Dr. Novak, I was delayed in some research elsewhere on the ship."
*Uh-oh,* thought Lindsay, remembering previous conversations with the Asgard. Aloud she said, "Hermiod, have you been messing around with the passengers?"
"Dr. Novak, I cannot believe you would even think such a thing of me. Now, we need to start realigning the navigation crystals."
With a look that was half disbelief and half amusement, she turned to her task.
While her back was turned, Hermiod took one last lick from his hand.