cold..and bored
I'm really cold right, now, and also really bored. i made a friend today, who also happens to be really quite racist...he and i are the same race..so i guess im safe. whatever. anyway..im cold. my hands are like..numb..and its 20 minutes pafter 7 and mom is going to bed..what kind of shit is that? im kind of going bipolar again..mood is dropping..for no apparent reason..maybe i should tell jake when he comes back to his computer, so that if i start being a bitch, he'll know why. im either pissy or crying..its annoying. im never happy. nothing makes me happy these days. plenty of things make me smile..or even laugh..but none of it makes me happy. the last time i was actually..honestly happy was when i was dating jake..i hate myself for falling in love with him. if i had known i was going to love him like that, only to be dumped..i dont know..i love him. i miss him. a couple of months before he broke up with me i was thinking about breaking up with him, because i felt like i never did anything to deserve to be happy like that. i wish i could die for thinking that..for ever even half way thinking that. obviously i fucked up something..or maybe i didnt deserve him..i'll never know. i dont even know why he broke up with me..i dont know that i want to..i do..but i dont..im tired. i hurt..my head and my nose, because i have a cold. i had homework tonight i cant do, because i left my book in my locker..fucking a..stupid stupid stupid. im so tired of everything. love, life, sex, school, people, emotions, crying, pain, talking, listening, friends, home, family...nothing fixes everything. nothing makes everything all better. people dont even notice the cuts, the scars, or my sudden lack of faith..i took of my pentacle months ago..nobody noticed..im sure that shows how much they care. i never took it off, and then one day i did...hmm...whatever. fuck it all. anybody i dont know who reads this..fuck you..i hope you enjoy it. lauren..i hate men..tim..i hope you and candy are having a killer time in florida..even with the hurricanes and shit.