(no subject)
So, Teresa and I broke up. It was my initiating. Which I guess is a real shock for some people. I haven't talked about how I've been feeling about it with people. Well, a few people that I knew would never say anything. My mother keeps insisting that I'm channeling Her and her feelings with Darrell. Which are so far from it. I love teresa, I'm not afraid of teresa, she is still my best friend. There just isn't that attraction. It's not like it was the first few years. I've been struggling with this for awhile. I woke up yesterday morning, and when I found her sleeping in another room, it just hit me, hard. I can't do it anymore. I put on clothing and a hat and ran out the door. drove to a parking lot and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't balance it anymore. I've always been told that I "spin plates" balancing and spinning plates, trying to keep it all going. My plates finally fell. I broke and I knew that I couldn't keep it in anymore. I am a human being with human needs, things that I just couldn't get filled, not by any fault of her, but just because of whatever reason. I made the mistake of cheating on a girlfriend once. I promised myself that it wouldn't happen again.
Telling her was hard. I don't hate her, and she isn't doing anything wrong. I know how incredibly attractive she is, There isn't a personality flaw, I just feel like she is my best friend. Not my partner or my lover or a mixture of all three. Intimicies between friends is generally weird. I have a lot of great friends. I just don't want to sleep with them.
And honestly. Right now, I don't want to sleep with anyone.
My mom keeps telling me that I need to go in and see a shrink again. I'm not depressed. I'm sad its ended. I'm not suicidal. I'm just sad because of a situation.
I woke up this morning feeling like, maybe I can just suck it up and be happy being unhappy. I know that she couldn't be able to do it though. and even if we tried, we both know, Sex is a big part of a relationship. It is and it isn't.. I've gone without for a long time. I just don't want to do something like find it elsewhere. I'm not looking to have cake and eat it too.
As of right now, we're planning on staying in the apartment together. As friends. I'm taking apart the potato and using it as a bed. I know that when we get to the point of dating again its going to get awkward as hell. we're still in that lease until november. Neither of us can really afford it on our own. Not at the moment at least.
I took out my lip ring. I know i'll be able to get another job easier if I look like a normal human being. I really want to put it back in, but I lost it and its closing up. Today is going to be spent looking for jobs and keeping myself on track. I'll probably go to work tonight. Last night I drank myself into a stupor. not a happy fun one. But it helped me sleep easier.
I know going back to the apartment will be the hardest. I need to start shuffling our stuff around.
Telling her was hard. I don't hate her, and she isn't doing anything wrong. I know how incredibly attractive she is, There isn't a personality flaw, I just feel like she is my best friend. Not my partner or my lover or a mixture of all three. Intimicies between friends is generally weird. I have a lot of great friends. I just don't want to sleep with them.
And honestly. Right now, I don't want to sleep with anyone.
My mom keeps telling me that I need to go in and see a shrink again. I'm not depressed. I'm sad its ended. I'm not suicidal. I'm just sad because of a situation.
I woke up this morning feeling like, maybe I can just suck it up and be happy being unhappy. I know that she couldn't be able to do it though. and even if we tried, we both know, Sex is a big part of a relationship. It is and it isn't.. I've gone without for a long time. I just don't want to do something like find it elsewhere. I'm not looking to have cake and eat it too.
As of right now, we're planning on staying in the apartment together. As friends. I'm taking apart the potato and using it as a bed. I know that when we get to the point of dating again its going to get awkward as hell. we're still in that lease until november. Neither of us can really afford it on our own. Not at the moment at least.
I took out my lip ring. I know i'll be able to get another job easier if I look like a normal human being. I really want to put it back in, but I lost it and its closing up. Today is going to be spent looking for jobs and keeping myself on track. I'll probably go to work tonight. Last night I drank myself into a stupor. not a happy fun one. But it helped me sleep easier.
I know going back to the apartment will be the hardest. I need to start shuffling our stuff around.