Real Person Fic - CW: Revelations
Title: Revelations
Fandom: Real Person Fic - CW
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 for explicit sexual content, homophobic comments, internalized homophobia, bad parenting, and discussion of religion
Word Count: 7,984
Author’s Note: Written for salt_burn_porn where tebtosca tagged me with my dirty secrets. This story was better in my head, and there's so not enough porn in it. I don't even know, okay??? It wouldn't end. I'm tired. You'll take what you get and you'll like it.
Summary: AU: Jared's friends all think he should hate Jensen, and maybe they're right. After all, Jensen hates him, hated him from the moment they met, just because he found out Jared is gay. But Jared can't make himself feel angry, can't even make himself stay away. Instead he secretly befriends Jensen, and learns that Jensen's been holding on to some secrets of his own.
Jensen's got a mouth that would make the devil blush, dark red cheeks burning even hotter. He uses it like a goddamn beast, lips leaving a trail of wet kisses down Jared's chest, his eyes so dark they're hardly green anymore, fixed right on Jared's as he moves over skin that's tacky with Jared's sweat.
He never breaks eye contact. Not when he pulls back, tongue over plush bottom lip, teeth catching. Not when his hands come up, thick fingers splayed on the meat of Jared's thigh to spreads his legs apart farther, strong grip, veins guiding Jared's gaze up to well-muscled arms. He doesn't blink, doesn't have to see his path to find Jared's dick with that mouth. Jensen watches him like it's a challenge; there's no hesitation, no shame, never, not even when his face is bathed in Jared's come, dripping white pearls. Fuck, he loves that. Jared loves it, too.
Jensen takes every inch, would beg for more if his mouth wasn't full, and Jared does what he can to help, thrusts roughly into the wet heat, shoves Jensen's face down. It's violent a little bit. Angry maybe. Well, why shouldn't it be?
It's a punishment. For making Jared want this. For making Jared want him. He has every right to hurt Jensen in return. He hates Jensen, doesn't care if it hurts, and it only makes it better that Jensen is so pathetically desperate for it.
Jared used to be so well adjusted.
A bunched up ball of paper hits Jared square between the eyes, and he rouses himself in time to see Katie and Chad high five each other. He glares as much as he can when he's sitting up too fast, shifting to hide the rock fucking hard boner tenting his jeans. It's like high school again, only with the added embarrassment that Jared is a grown man now, and what he was dreaming about-god, why are these always the dreams he remembers?
"Quit napping on the books, Padalecki," Danneel says. "Some of us still plan to pass this test, so if you're not serious about studying, at least go drool on your pillow, not on the chapter you're supposed to be in charge of outlining."
Jared looks up, and the redhead is glaring across the thick library table. Katie and Chad look amused with themselves for their rude wake-up call, but none of them are sporting the shit-eating grins they would be if they knew they'd just woken him from a wet dream. There are some small mercies left in this universe, apparently.
Next to him, Gen leans in, puts her little hand on Jared's wrist. "You alright, babe? You seemed kind of tense."
Tense. Right, yeah, there's one word for it. Jared closes his eyes and thinks about lying out in the snow in his underwear, waits for his body to realize he's not about to get sucked off by Jensen Ackles or anyone, and now's not really a great time for a jerk off session, either.
"I'm fine," he says, letting out a heavy breath. He gives her his best forced smile knowing she'll be able to tell it's bullshit but hoping she won't know why. "I'm fine, just kind of beat, you know? I already had a test earlier today, so."
"Yeah," she says, squeezing his wrist a bit before letting go. "I know biostat wiped you. Why don't you head home? Get a quick nap." Danneel opens her mouth to protest, but Gen cuts her off. "I'll finish working through Jared's chapter. I'm almost done with mine, anyway."
"It's okay," Jared assures them both. "I can do it. Just need a coffee refill. This is how grad school is supposed to go, right? I'm preparing myself."
Gen frowns. "You haven't had a full night's rest since Tuesday."
Jared is about to insist-Study Circle was his idea, and he'll be damned if he walks out on it two days before the end of finals. But then his phone vibrates in his pocket. He knows who it'll be. He knows what it'll say.
He shouldn't look.
He looks.
need help with edlund's class? remember I TAed for him last fall. not above sharing some tips. :)
Jared smiles at Gen, doing his best to look exhausted and not like his blood is pumping that much faster. "You know, it has gotten really late. Maybe I will head out. I promise I'll make it up to you guys in the spring."
"This is bullshit!" Katie says, throwing her pencil down on her textbook as Jared gathers his things. "You guys saw that, right? That was a booty text. He's going to go fuck some hot guy while we all sit here and suffer."
"It was not!" Jared replies. He isn't even lying. The sad truth is that Jensen invited him over to study, and study is exactly what they're gonna do. But, to be fair, definitely a hot guy, and Jared probably did make a booty text face.
"It looked like a booty text to me," says Danneel. She shrugs at Jared's betrayed look. "Sorry, man. Just being honest."
"Hey, if he's gonna get his dick sucked, can I get mine, too?" Chad asks. He grins at Danneel's narrowed eyes. "What? I return favors!"
Danneel mimes gagging for a few seconds, and Jared can't help smirking, even as he rushes to defend himself. "I'm not getting my dick sucked. Nor will I be sucking any dicks. Just need some sleep."
"Yeah, let up, guys. Who would Jared even be running off to? No one meets anyone fuckable during finals week. We all look like trolls." Gen laughs dismissively, not even bothering to raise her eyes from the page as she highlights a paragraph in the chapter Jared was supposed to be working on.
There are so many things he could say to that. Jared met Jensen months ago, so he's sitting on months of lying to her about his whereabouts, not just a mid-finals fling he forgot to mention. In fact, Gen introduced them. And Gen's the one who, for Jared's sake, to let him know he was loved and supported and safe, saw to it that Jensen was cut not only out of her life, but out of their entire social sphere.
It's a miracle that the guilt doesn't fall out of the sky as a lightning bolt and strike Jared dead, because here she is, carrying his load, so damn unsuspecting. Such a good friend. And then there's Jared, who can hardly wait to get away from his friends and run off to spend time with someone who is definitely not a friend. The opposite of one, really.
And yet Jared can't see enough of him. Can't stop sneaking away to be near a man who hates him. Who he tries so hard to despise in turn, fantasizes about it just as much as he fantasizes about the rest of Jensen. He'll never touch Jensen, see his eyes blown black with lust, hear him pant Jared's name. He'll never hate him, either, and the only person he blames for how he does feel is himself.
_______________________________________________________________
Study Circle was Jared's brilliant invention. A way to get through senior year, actually see his friends without screwing up The Plan (graduate 4.0 with a funding package lined up so he can get his doctorate somewhere his momma will boast to her book club about).
He spread it through word of mouth: bring your friends, bring baked goods, come with an earnest intention to at least study half the time. Fifteen people came the first week, nine the second, it eventually settled into seven regulars who cycled through, and they actually got work done every time.
Jared was kind of proud of his stupid, nerdy little idea.
Then Jensen happened. Jared will never forget. Week 5. He walked into their reserved room in the library five minutes early, saw that everyone was congregating around the snack table and Katie's oatmeal raisin cookies as usual, and began to shrug his jacket off.
There was a new guy sitting at the conference desk, staring down at his books and looking intensely uncomfortable. Poor bastard, new groups are hard. Jared decided to skip the sweets and help the guy feel more at home.
"I'm Jared," Jared had said, sitting close but not directly next to the new guy, giving him enough room to breathe. "Welcome to the group!"
The guy looked up, smiled briefly, and then Gen came up behind him, clapping a hand down on his shoulder. "This is Jensen. He's my buddy from work, but he also TAs for Professor Edlund. I thought he might be able to help us out since we were so stumped on last class' homework. That okay?"
"Is it okay that you brought us the guy who grades the quizzes?" Danneel asked, plopping into the seat between Jared and Jensen with her plate of cookies and giving Jensen a smile so welcoming it was actually a little creepy.
Not that Jared could blame her for looking at Jensen the way a dragon looks at a giant pile of gold. If Jared had words to describe how attractive this guy was, he would have majored in creative writing, not biology.
"I can't tell you what's gonna be on the test," Jensen said, looking guilty. "I mean, I can try to help but-"
"Hey, don't sweat it," said Jared with his best reassuring smile. "We want to learn, not cheat."
Jensen looked up at him for half a second, then glanced away hurriedly, and Jared actually thought he should try flirting a little, see if that blush on Jensen's cheeks was just shyness or if Jared actually had a chance.
Until half an hour in, when Jensen interrupted Jared telling the story of the time he and his then-boyfriend had nearly blown up the basement lab sophomore year.
"Wait, you're gay?"
Jared stopped mid-sentence, shrugged and nodded, and met Jensen's eyes, hoping to see excitement causing Jensen to blurt it out with all that intensity.
Then Jensen asked, ever-so-casually, "Doesn't it bother you that you're going to Hell?"
He had just blinked, too stunned by the question, by the way Jensen asked it, to even know how to respond. He'd been lucky, maybe, he'd gotten some thoughtless comments from clueless relatives, but even back in San Antonio, no one had ever said anything like that. And yet Jensen was sitting one seat away from him, an expectant look on his face, like he was just curious and he was expecting Jared to happily supply him with an answer any moment.
Jared didn't even know what to say, got up and walked out of the room in shock, heard another chair slide out as Genevieve rushed to her feet to follow him, but couldn't make himself look back. She stopped him in the hallway, hand on his arm. Promised she hadn't known Jensen was like that, he had seemed perfectly nice, told Jared that Jensen should leave, not him. And Jared agreed, but he couldn't even stay around to see his friends stand up for him. He'd never been so hurt or humiliated in his life.
They kicked Jensen out, Gen told him all about it, and about how they all agreed to never speak to the guy again. And every one of them had kept that promise. Everyone except for Jared.
_______________________________________________________________
The second time he met Jensen, Jared was eating alone in the student center's cafeteria. It had been a couple of weeks, and Jared had, for the most part, forgotten the asshole even existed. Jared was minding his own business, silently mourning the fact that he didn't understand a word he'd read in the last hour and was probably going to die if his professor called on him in class.
"It's going to be counterintuitive to you, coming from a background in biology, but if you stop trying to force it to make sense in that context, I think you'll get it pretty fast."
Jared looked up to see Jensen, his hands fiddling nervously with the strap of a black satchel bag, and god, isn't that just what Jared needed.
"Are you talking to me?" Jared asked.
Jensen had nodded, invited himself to the empty seat across the table from Jared. He pointed to a graph on the page Jared was struggling with and gave Jared a helpful smile. "See, this part right here just means that-"
"Do you really think I want your help?"
Across from him, Jensen stopped talking and when he looked up, he actually had the audacity to seem surprised. "Jared, I'm sorry if I offended you. But I can help you under-"
"You wanna help a fag with his homework now?" Jared scoffed. "You're sorry if you offended me, I always love that one. Not sorry you were a complete asshole, just sorry that it got to me."
"I wasn't trying to be an asshole," Jensen had replied, his voice much quieter.
"I don't care what you were trying to do," Jared said. "I want you to leave."
"It was just a question." Jensen spread his hands out, imploring. "You didn't have to answer. I was curious, that's all."
"Fuck you," Jared had replied, proud that his voice hadn't had the slightest hint of a tremble in it. He stood up and walked out, and he'd hoped that would be the last time he'd have to do that because of Jensen.
Of course, it wasn't. Because Jared had nearly failed the test after that, and when he tried to get tutoring from the department, who did they send except Jensen fucking Ackles? Jared had agreed, at Jensen's insistence that he was only hurting himself, to put his personal feelings aside for one hour and give Jensen a chance to tutor him.
Unfortunately, Jensen was brilliant, his propensity for asking incredibly stupid and insensitive questions aside. Jared got an A on his next test, and the first few times Jared had come back, it really was only for help. It had nothing to do with how friendly Jensen acted despite Jared knowing what he really thought of him, or his horrendously cheesy science jokes, or the way the skin around his eyes bunched up when he smiled because Jared was on the right track.
It was the cholera that really did Jared in. They were reading case studies of epidemics, and Jensen was helping Jared determine what information was worth remembering and what information was mostly just filler. They made it to the third chapter, about cholera in modern day Latin America, and Jensen was going on some tangent about cholera on the Oregon Trail. Jared kept interrupting him, talking about the video game he used to play in grade school, and Jensen was alternating between laughing, and trying to get him back on track.
At one point Jared had gotten too close to the book they were sharing, his side had brushed up against Jensen's, and Jensen had jolted away like it was instinct. Jared had tried to laugh it off, made a joke about his sexuality not being quite as contagious as the material they were studying, and Jensen had stopped laughing all of a sudden, had put his hand over Jared's (he had never touched Jared before, not intentionally, and just that little gesture somehow erased everything bad Jensen had ever said to him). He looked Jared right in the eye, made sure Jared could hear that he was serious when he said, "you know I don't think less of you for that, don't you?"
No, Jared hadn't known. And, had it been anyone else, Jared would have sneered. Would have informed him that not hating Jared for being gay wasn't some big favor he was doing, it didn't make them friends, it was the bare minimum for being a half decent human being. But. Well. It was Jensen. It was Jensen and…fuck.
Alright, so Jared got hooked. Jared got hooked on the bigot. It wasn't like it was ever going to go anywhere. He would just meet someone else over break, and it was going to be fine. In the meantime, his friends didn't have to know where he was spending his free nights.
_______________________________________________________________
"I never in a million years thought I would see you at a party."
Jensen's been staring into his red solo cup as if the beer inside was whispering the secrets of the universe; his head snaps up as soon as he hears Jared's voice. His smile spreads slowly but it's damn bright once it's done, wildfire eating away at all the defenses Jared had left. "Graduate students hate finals, too, ya know. I'll take any chance to celebrate their demise."
Jared lifts his drink in salute and leans against the wall next to Jensen. "How'd you do?"
"No idea. Just put in my last paper like an hour ago. You?"
"A- in Edlund's class, mostly thanks to you, if I'm being honest." Jared shoulders Jensen. "Thanks."
"No, it was my-" Jensen stops, swallows hard, and then decides to down his drink instead of finishing what he was saying. "I was hoping you would be here. Not that that's why I came. But it's nice to see you, outside of tutoring hours."
Jared just goes with it. "Still a little weird to see you in jeans. And I'm surprised you drink."
"Why's that?" Jensen asks, licking his lips and setting the empty cup aside.
If Jared were a stronger person, maybe his eyes wouldn't linger on the wetness on Jensen's bottom lip, but then again, he's always on the lookout for new jerk off material as far as Jensen is concerned.
"Isn't it a sin or something?"
Jensen winces like he's just been punched. "Or something."
"Is there a problem?" Jared jumps and turns to see Gen glaring up at Jensen, her little hands balled into fists like she's actually going to pick a fight. "Jared, is this asshole bothering you again? I can get him thrown out." She looks at Jensen. "You leave Jared alone. You shouldn't even fucking be here."
"Gen, calm down," Jared says. "He's my-"
"Or, for fuck's sake." She shakes her head, pulling Jared away down the hall, then opens one of the empty bedrooms and shoves Jared inside. "Are you kidding me right now, Jared?"
Jared holds his hands up in defense, because she's obviously a little drunk, and Jared's obviously a lot busted. "I can explain."
"Explain what? You know, Katie told me she saw you at Leonardo's with that creep last week and I thought she was delusional."
"It's not what you think. He was just helping me with some classes and he's not really that ba-"
Suddenly, Gen looks all too sober. "Jared, babe, I saw how you were looking at him out there."
He laughs, but it comes out sounding painfully awkward. "I wasn't looking at him like anything. We're-we're friends. I'm sorry I lied to you about it, but it's complicated, and I knew you wouldn't approve and I-"
"You cannot possibly hate yourself enough to have fallen for a homophobe."
Jared gapes at her for a few seconds, and she stares back, daring him to disagree. "Gen, I…"
"You would have told me about it if you weren't ashamed," she replies. Her voice is soft, sad. Pitying. Jared doesn't need that. He's not in love with Jensen. He wouldn't fall in love with Jensen.
"I think I need to be sick, but this isn't over," she informs Jared before walking out and he watches her head straight down the hall to the bathroom.
He leaves. Chickenshit move that that is, he can't bear to face her again, or wait to find out how the rest of his friends will respond, if there will be silent disapproval for weeks or if they'll stage an intervention right away or what. Jared walks the fuck out, and thinks he's taking the easy route until he bumps into Jensen.
Literally bumps into, because Jensen is at the bottom of the stairs as Jared's exiting, just standing there. Holding the railing as if it's the only thing helping him sort out which way is up and which way is down.
It hasn't been that long since Genevieve dragged Jared away, but it's obvious that Jensen has had a lot more than beer in the interim. And his eyes are red, not red like he's smoked something or had too much tequila, but like he's been crying or on the verge of it at least.
"Jensen?"
Jensen blinks for a long minute, staring at Jared like he's trying to decide whether Jared is real or not. "Am I a bad person?"
"What?" Jared slides an arm around Jensen to try to hold him up, but Jensen slips away immediately. Maybe he really does think Jared is contagious. "Jensen, you're a very drunk person."
"I am. You think so. All your friends think so." Jensen laughs. "You didn't even tell them I was helping you. I thought maybe…I thought maybe they wouldn’t hate me so much anymore."
"Is that why you helped me?" Jared asks. "To get back on their good sides?"
Jensen takes a step forward instead of saying anything, trips over his own feet and falls on his face. Jared wants to think it's funny. Jensen is part of why people like Jared hate themselves, he's not a good guy. It should be funny.
So why does Jared feel like it's his own damn insides spilled all over the ground, pathetic and lonely and unwelcome, instead of someone he should see as his enemy?
He bends over and peels Jensen off the pavement, and Jensen is finally too gone to struggle out of Jared's grip, so he lets Jared prop him up. "Come on, man. Let's get you home. We'll call this whole thing even and we never have to see each other again after tonight."
"Maybe that's best," Jensen says. He walks at the pace Jared sets and thankfully there are no more falls. It takes Jensen three walks around the block to remember where he lives, so it's over half an hour before Jared finally gets Jensen to his door.
Jensen at least remembers how to use his keys. He lets Jared into a cozy, neat apartment, and Jared feels a tug in his chest because this is exactly what he imagined Jensen's apartment would look like. He likes it so much that he knew, and he's pissed that he even cares.
Okay, so maybe Jared fell a little bit. It's not like he ever let himself expect anything, it’s not like he ever pretended Jensen was a good person, or that it was okay to fall. But he fell.
"Go get in bed, okay?" Jared tells Jensen. "You can walk on your own, you're fine. I'll get you some water."
Jensen nods, and Jared watches him get as far as the bedroom before he heads into Jensen's kitchen, picks out a glass and the Brita from the fridge and tries to find some painkillers to no avail.
Jensen's room is pitch black when Jared pushes the door open, and he listens to the creak, wondering if Jensen fell asleep. He's just about to turn and go when he hears a soft, watery sound and he realizes Jensen isn't asleep.
He's crying. Definitely crying.
"Jensen," Jared says, leaning over the bed to touch Jensen's shoulder. "Jen, are you okay?"
"Somebody loved me once," Jensen replies.
Great, Jared thinks. He'll end the night with incoherent babbling from the sad drunk bigot who has very likely cost Jared all his closest friendships.
Well, it's too late to get out now.
Jensen turns around to look at Jared, but Jared can't see him. He's all shadow, it's much too dark inside the room. Jared could turn the light on, but it seems easier this way.
"Can you believe that?" Jensen asks.
It's almost funny, Jensen asking Jared that. Jared has been trying his hardest not to love Jensen for months, and here Jensen is making it sound as if it's hard to do instead of impossible not to. "Yes."
Jensen huffs out a nasty laugh. "You hate me. You all do. I thought. I thought I was being good. I thought this was what I had to do to be good, but now I'm so confused. I'm so confused."
"Look, you're not the first guy to ever meet a gay person and realize we're not terrible. It's okay that you asked that question. My friends-they're protective of me. But I know you better than they do. I don't hate you. I don’t think you're a bad person. I think you need to drink some water and ask these questions again in the morning, okay?"
"They do, they protect you. They love you so much." Jensen reaches his hand out and takes Jared's, starts tracing his fingertips over Jared's palm. "Someone loved me like that once."
"What happened?" Jared asks, sitting next to Jensen on the mattress. He's still not sure where this is coming from, but it's obvious Jensen wants to talk, and Jared doesn't think he has anyone else to talk to. The irony of this is not lost on Jared.
"I told my mom. I didn't think, not in a million years did I realize it was wrong. I didn't think I should be ashamed, I thought she would be happy. We met at bible camp." Jensen snorts, rolling onto his back but not letting go of Jared. "He was a nice, Christian boy."
Jared almost slaps himself as everything snaps into place, and somehow it's all so, so much worse. "Jensen, you...?"
"We were just kids, I know. Stupid kids. We were like kids are, when you want someone for the first time and they want you back and you think, this is it. This is forever."
Jared smiles. "Yeah, I remember the feeling."
"It wasn't forever. I don't think it would have been, even if things had been different. But it was beautiful. It was so beautiful."
"What was his name?"
"Matt," Jensen answers after a long pause. "He was a year older than me. We used to wait until after prayers and lights out and sneak off to meet at the lake. We'd swim and watch the stars and kiss. Just kissing. And one time, the night before we left. He used his mouth on me. We were just stupid kids, it felt so good. It felt right, how was I supposed to know it wasn't?"
"Maybe it was right." Jared shifts on the bed, lets Jensen decide if he wants to get closer, and Jensen does. He rolls over until Jared's hand is resting in his short, spiky hair. "It sounds nice."
"He loved me, Jared, he really did. He was too old for that camp, but he promised to come back the next year just for me. And he did, too. You know what I did to him?"
Jared shakes his head. He doesn't think he wants to know.
"After I told mom-I thought she would be so happy for me, that I'd met someone special like that. That he even knew I existed, let alone loved me back. But she wasn't happy. No one was. And by the time I went back the next year. They'd all convinced me it was true. Mom and dad and the pastor, they all told me I was a sinner if I'd liked it. But if it was just him, if it was something he did to me and not something I wanted, all I had to do was recant and God might forgive me one day. I heard it so many times, I really believed it was true."
"Jesus, Jensen," Jared says before he can stop himself. He can hear that Jensen's on the brink of crying again, so he doesn't push any further.
"I told him he was a monster. I told him I never wanted him, that he'd tried to lead me astray. That he'd made me do all those beautiful things against my will and I hated him for it. He…he looked so hurt, Jared. I just wanted to kiss him and say I was sorry but I didn't wanna go to Hell. I didn't wanna be a sinner."
"There's no such thing as Hell," Jared replies.
"No, you're wrong. There is. And I'm going there no matter what." Jensen wipes his nose. "If my parents were right, I'm going to Hell for wanting the things I want, and if they're wrong, I'm going for what I did to him. For what I said to you. I didn’t understand when I met you. You seemed so comfortable with what you are. I just didn't understand how you could be so comfortable with it when it's ruined everything I've ever had. I just wanted to understand."
"Do you still think I'm going to go to Hell?" Jared asks. "Nothing about me has changed, Jensen. We're friends now. You know me. I've done what you did and a whole lot more. Am I a bad person?"
"No." Jensen sits up, leans just enough into the light from the hallway that Jared can see the expression on his face. He looks terrified just by the suggestion. "People like you don't go to Hell. People like you, you've got so much light in you, Jared. You shine and you make people's lives better, it doesn't matter what you want. People like you don't go to Hell."
"So what makes you different?"
Jensen looks down at his hands like they're dirty, like they are personally offending him just by being attached. "I don't have any light. I had a flicker of it, once. And I crushed it. People like me, we could do everything right and still not be worth saving. I don't understand why you still talk to me. Your friends were right about me."
"They weren't. They didn't know that you-" Jared reaches out, touches Jensen's cheek lightly. "Jensen, I'm so sorry for what your parents did to you. I'm sorry they made it so you can't see yourself. But you do shine. And if you're right, if there's such thing as Hell, you don't have to go there."
Jensen sways forward, his lips land sloppily on the side of Jared's mouth, and it's so easy, so damn easy for Jared to take what he's been dreaming about for months.
Instead he pushes Jensen away by the shoulders.
"You don't want me," Jensen says this like it's a fact, and yet somehow it still manages to be a question.
"You know the answer to that," Jared replies. "Don't act like you don't know. As if you haven't known for months."
"Don’t push me away, then," Jensen begs, and he tries for a kiss again.
Jared pulls away to the end of the bed. "Jensen, you're drunk. You might still think this is disgusting in the morning. You're not-I mean. You have things you need to work through before we can do this. But I will be here to support you. And…maybe one day-"
"No!" Jensen sounds like a whiny child, and it's almost endearing except that he kind of looks like a kid who's just had his heart crushed, and Jared can't help wondering if a part of him has never outgrown that summer or the way he felt when his parents soured it. "Tomorrow I'll be sober. I'll be a coward again. Please, just let me have this once. You're worth going to Hell for."
He grabs at Jared's shirt in a frenzy, as if he's trying to tear at it. "Please, please let me have you once before I burn up just wishing for you."
Jared grabs both of Jensen's hands, and Jensen tries to resist his hold for a few seconds before he collapses against Jared's chest.
"Go to sleep, Jensen. We'll deal with this in the morning, okay?"
Jensen nods and pulls Jared down the bed, until he's resting on his back and Jensen is curled up on his side. "Stay with me?" he asks, soft and sweet, and Jared wouldn't have the strength to say no if he tried. "I promise not to try anything. Please just stay with me."
It's already been established that Jared is a sucker where Jensen's concerned.
_______________________________________________________________
He wakes up the next morning disoriented. There's hardly any sunlight inside this room, due in large part to the heavy curtains and stacks of books by the windows. This is not Jared's bedroom. Jared likes for the sun to wake him, is unfamiliar with these sheets, and with the walls that particular shade of green. He doesn't feel hungover, never got much of a chance to get drunk the night before, and he's still wearing all his clothes, so he doesn't seem to have gotten laid.
Then he remembers bringing Jensen home. All those things Jensen had said. Jensen, where’s Jensen?
He reaches out in front of him, turns over, finds no one in the room with him, let alone in the bed. "Jensen?"
It's only a few seconds before Jensen peeks his head into the room. He looks a lot worse for wear, which isn't surprising to Jared. He'd gotten pretty trashed while Jared and Genevieve were having their argument.
His eyes have dark bags, his hair is mussed, and there are still creases from the pillow on his cheek.
Jared has never seen anyone so gorgeous in his life.
"I woke up first," Jensen says. Which, okay, a little obvious, but Jared has been hungover before, he knows how much to reasonably expect. "I, uh." Jensen scratches the back of his neck. "I stayed in bed for a while. Watching you. And then I realized how creepy that was. So I stopped."
Jared ducks his head and laughs. "You know, the point of stopping the creepy thing before the other person wakes up is so that they don’t know you did it."
Jensen's smile is sad. "Sorry. I…don't have much experience. Waking up with people."
He swallows hard, trying to focus on anything except, well. Okay. Obviously Jensen is a virgin, he told Jared as much the night before, even if not in so many words. And it's not like Jared has some weird virgin fetish, except that everything is kind of a kink when it relates back to Jensen, and all Jared can think of is giving Jensen what was taken from him all those years ago. Being the only one to ever give Jensen those things.
"Coffee," Jared says, because that seems more appropriate than any of his thoughts, most of which revolve around Jensen's ass and putting things inside it. "Do I smell coffee?"
There's a mug in Jared hands before long, and Jared sits at the end of the bed, blowing on the hot liquid so Jensen can have some time to decide whether he's comfortable or not.
"I did some thinking," Jensen says, taking a seat next to Jared on the mattress. His leg is pressed up against Jared's, a casual touch that Jared knows better than to take for granted.
"Oh yeah? About what?"
"About a lot of things. What we talked about last night. You. Me. You and me if…if you actually want that, which. I can't even believe you might but you said-"
"I want there to be you and me," Jared reassures him. "But I don't want to be something you regret, or feel guilty about, or resent. I don't want to be with you because you think you're going to Hell anyway. I need you to see that this isn't evil."
"Well, that's just the thing," Jensen says. He takes Jared's hand in his own and just holds it, this perfect, warm weight and Jared doesn't know how he's ever supposed to let go. "I think it's just the opposite."
Jared raises an eyebrow, gestures with his hand for Jensen to go on.
"When I was little, I mean really little. Before bible camp, before I ever wanted anyone. We used to go to church and I felt so full of love and light and grace because I believed, I really did. There was this great, big beautiful God out there and He loved me just for being me. That's who He was for me, He was love. I've spent the last ten years scared of Him. He was just this threat my parents kept telling me about, but that's not the God I loved.
"I woke up this morning next to you, and I felt like…being saved can't be different than what that felt like to me. After all these years, thinking there was something wrong with me and trying to convince myself that what felt good to me was wicked. I woke up and for once I felt right."
Jared grins. "I get it now. I'm God."
"Shut up, Jared," Jensen says, but he's smiling. "What I mean is. I thought you were a test. When you walked into that library room and you were so gorgeous and then you just announced that you…that you were like me-"
"Gay," Jared says. "It's okay to say it, Jensen."
Jensen nods, steels himself for a second, and then continues, "When you said you were gay. And you looked at me like you wanted me. You can't imagine how afraid I was of you, Jared. I thought you were a test. I thought He was testing me and I thought I would die if I didn't touch you and I would burn for eternity if I did."
"And now you don't think that?"
"I think I have been tested," Jensen says. "Things I did not realize were tests, those things tested me. I'm not sure I passed. But you…you're a reward. One I don't deserve, maybe. But you're not a test. Because if God is good and if He loves me, and I believe that He does, He wouldn't have sent me a test I could not pass. Not falling in love with you, that is an impossible task."
"So what you're saying is…" Jared turns toward Jensen, cups his cheek with the hand not still tangled with Jensen's. "You're saying you want to try this?"
"I'm saying you were right to push me away yesterday. But today I know what I want. I don't know what is right or wrong, not for sure. But I know what I feel. I know that when I try to imagine being close to God, the closest thing I can think of is…" Jensen blushes and tries to duck his head but Jared holds his gaze. "I want you inside me, Jared."
Jared sets the half-empty mug of coffee on Jensen's nightstand and takes Jensen's face in both hands. They kiss for the first time, and it's slow but it's deep, Jensen remembering something he obviously hasn't done in a long time, but jumping into it without abandon.
He makes sure to ease Jensen back slowly, because a part of him is still worried, with how deeply ingrained all those awful things Jensen's parents made him believe were, that Jensen may change his mind any moment. He knows this won't be the end of it, that Jensen is going to have to struggle against that trauma for years, maybe his whole life. But when Jensen pulls back and Jared searches his face, those impossible green eyes, for any trace of guilt or hatred or regret, he sees only desperation and complete devotion.
Jensen reaches out first, sliding his hands under the thin fabric of Jared's t shirt and smoothing over his chest, finding one nipple and playing with it, a delighted smile crossing his face when Jared gasps and leans into it.
"Can you take it off?" Jensen asks, looking up at Jared like he's embarrassed to be asking. "I've imagined what you look like so many times, I just can't believe I can really have you."
Jared pulls his shirt off over his head, thrills in the way Jensen's face lights up. He reaches forward, bunching Jensen's shirt up to his armpits until Jensen lifts his hands so Jared can pull it off. "You're crazy if you think you're the only one who's thought about this."
Jared kisses Jensen once on the mouth, then takes his neck, keeps moving until his mouth is on Jensen's nipple and Jensen gasps.
"Oh-oh my-" Jensen shakes and when Jared cups his hand over Jensen's dick, Jensen jolts forward. "Please, Jared, I don't think you should touch me yet."
Jared sits back, wipes his hand over his mouth and takes Jensen in. He looks wrecked, and Jared realizes how fast this is going to go if he isn't careful.
Careful is okay, Jared can totally do careful. He undoes his own pants and waves his hands at Jensen, telling him to do the same. Jensen obeys, much faster to undress since he'd apparently changed into sweatpants after waking up this morning. Jared briefly wonders if Jensen knew this might happen, and then Jensen surprises him.
"I did something else, while you were sleeping," he admits. "I, um. I knew you would have to open me up so I. Tried it. Myself. I don't have lube but the lotion worked, I think."
So much for blushing virgin, then. Jared will take a slutty virgin, no arguments.
"Are you trying to kill me?"
Jensen shakes his head. "Trying to get you inside of me as soon as possible, if I'm being honest."
"Okay. Well, damn." Jared takes a few seconds to process, then nods and starts lining up pillows. "Here, lie back on these. It'll be easier for you from the back but-"
"No, I want to see you."
"Are you sure?" Jared asks. "It might hurt a little more."
"I have a feeling I'm gonna like that." Jensen lies back, spreads his legs as wide as they'll go, and he looks so damn wanton Jared has to reach down and squeeze the base of his cock to keep himself from losing it.
"I didn't bring condoms," Jared says. He feels like kicking himself, because there's no way he could have known this would happen, but Jensen definitely doesn't have any, and that means-fuck, if they have to stop. Now. Now when they're so close.
"I'm a virgin, Jared, not gonna be a problem."
Jared nods. "But I'm not. I mean. I've been tested. Haven't been unprotected with anyone since but you never-"
"Shut up and fuck me, please."
"Yeah, okay," Jared agrees, positioning himself over Jensen. Jensen keeps his eyes wide open until Jared's cock is teasing at his entrance, and then he shuts them tight, like he's anticipating a strike.
Jared kisses Jensen's face softly, whispers, "look at me" until Jensen does. Then he shoves forward, pushes into Jensen and watches the way Jensen's face shifts, like he's gone from being damned to being blessed in the space of a second.
"Jared," Jensen groans. "Jared, oh, you're so, fuck, so big, I don't think, please, please."
Jared laughs and presses his lips to Jensen's jaw, leaving a playful bite there before soothing it with his tongue. "Not sure if that's good or bad, Jen."
"Good. Move. Please. Move."
Jared does, pulls out and eases back in, slow the first few times, so Jensen gets used to the feel of being used like this, and so he can memorize the tight slide of their bodies, shift to find a good angle every time he drives down.
Jensen is putty under him, making incoherent noises, repeating Jared's name and saying "there! there!" but not moving. Not taking. Just letting Jared take him for a ride, teach him what feels good and what feels better.
He tries to touch himself, but Jared can tell from the way his cock is drooling precome that Jensen is gonna shoot as soon as he gets some friction. Jared slaps his hand away and fucks him so hard Jensen can't think to try touching himself again. He begs for it, asks Jared for mercy, and Jared just laughs against his skin, drives down into him. It’s not like those ugly fantasies he had. This isn't about punishing Jensen. This is about making it so Jensen's body never forgets what it's like to feel good again.
He keeps it up for as long as he can, but Jensen is impossibly tight, unbelievably gorgeous, the way he's gasping Jared's name out unbearably sweet. He feels his orgasm coming up on him, and maybe Jensen can tell from the way his thrusts lose their rhythm, because he gets his hands on Jared's ass, squeezes it and pulls him in, even as he begs Jared not to finish without him, please, some kind of relief, anything.
Jared ignores him, comes raw into that tight ass, which is new for him, and he wonders if he can get away with licking himself out of Jensen, or if maybe that's a little much for a first time. Once he's done, he pulls out, grins at Jensen's disappointed look.
"Jared, what about-?" Jensen starts, and then Jared takes him by surprise, diving down to swallow Jensen's cock in one clean move.
Jensen's entire body jumps forward, and then Jensen slides his hands through Jared's hair, apologizing. Jared just laughs, as much as he can at least. Jensen's dick is considerable, and Jared's jaw aches taking it all at once. But this is Jensen's first time, and Jared is going to give him the best damn blowjob possible.
Jensen starts thrusting again, not as apologetic now that he's on the verge of climax. "Oh God, oh God!"
Jared pulls his mouth away and looks up. "Aren't you not supposed to take that name in vain?"
Jensen is panting hard, unable to answer right away. "You talk too much," he says, shoving Jared's face back down on his dick, and Jared is apparently into pushy virgins just as much as compliant ones.
It's only three or four more thrusts before Jensen pushes him down and holds him there, come joining the mess of saliva on Jared's chin as Jensen releases how many years of wanting this. It tastes too good to be true and Jared keeps sucking through every moment of pleasure until Jensen is spent, soft, begging Jared to let up because it's too damn much.
He kisses Jensen, and that makes Jensen groan all over again. He pulls back at first, looking like he's not quite sure how he feels about the taste, but damned if he doesn't come right back for seconds. They swap Jensen's come for a long, lazy make out session, and then Jared's phone starts ringing from somewhere on the floor.
They both groan, and Jared collapses against the pile of pillows he'd stacked for Jensen.
"You gonna get that?" Jensen asks.
Jared makes a dismissive sound and wraps his arm around Jensen, tugging him down into his arms. He knows it'll be Genevieve on the phone, that she'll want to know where he is, that she won't like the answer.
Eventually, they're going to have to face all that. Jensen will have to confront everything he's built his life around running from; Jared will have to convince all his friends to give Jensen another chance. But for now, it's easy to ignore the ringing and the rest of the world. They'll keep their secrets just a little longer, tucked away and uncomplicated, and, for the first time, not dirty but purifying.
Fandom: Real Person Fic - CW
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 for explicit sexual content, homophobic comments, internalized homophobia, bad parenting, and discussion of religion
Word Count: 7,984
Author’s Note: Written for salt_burn_porn where tebtosca tagged me with my dirty secrets. This story was better in my head, and there's so not enough porn in it. I don't even know, okay??? It wouldn't end. I'm tired. You'll take what you get and you'll like it.
Summary: AU: Jared's friends all think he should hate Jensen, and maybe they're right. After all, Jensen hates him, hated him from the moment they met, just because he found out Jared is gay. But Jared can't make himself feel angry, can't even make himself stay away. Instead he secretly befriends Jensen, and learns that Jensen's been holding on to some secrets of his own.
Jensen's got a mouth that would make the devil blush, dark red cheeks burning even hotter. He uses it like a goddamn beast, lips leaving a trail of wet kisses down Jared's chest, his eyes so dark they're hardly green anymore, fixed right on Jared's as he moves over skin that's tacky with Jared's sweat.
He never breaks eye contact. Not when he pulls back, tongue over plush bottom lip, teeth catching. Not when his hands come up, thick fingers splayed on the meat of Jared's thigh to spreads his legs apart farther, strong grip, veins guiding Jared's gaze up to well-muscled arms. He doesn't blink, doesn't have to see his path to find Jared's dick with that mouth. Jensen watches him like it's a challenge; there's no hesitation, no shame, never, not even when his face is bathed in Jared's come, dripping white pearls. Fuck, he loves that. Jared loves it, too.
Jensen takes every inch, would beg for more if his mouth wasn't full, and Jared does what he can to help, thrusts roughly into the wet heat, shoves Jensen's face down. It's violent a little bit. Angry maybe. Well, why shouldn't it be?
It's a punishment. For making Jared want this. For making Jared want him. He has every right to hurt Jensen in return. He hates Jensen, doesn't care if it hurts, and it only makes it better that Jensen is so pathetically desperate for it.
Jared used to be so well adjusted.
A bunched up ball of paper hits Jared square between the eyes, and he rouses himself in time to see Katie and Chad high five each other. He glares as much as he can when he's sitting up too fast, shifting to hide the rock fucking hard boner tenting his jeans. It's like high school again, only with the added embarrassment that Jared is a grown man now, and what he was dreaming about-god, why are these always the dreams he remembers?
"Quit napping on the books, Padalecki," Danneel says. "Some of us still plan to pass this test, so if you're not serious about studying, at least go drool on your pillow, not on the chapter you're supposed to be in charge of outlining."
Jared looks up, and the redhead is glaring across the thick library table. Katie and Chad look amused with themselves for their rude wake-up call, but none of them are sporting the shit-eating grins they would be if they knew they'd just woken him from a wet dream. There are some small mercies left in this universe, apparently.
Next to him, Gen leans in, puts her little hand on Jared's wrist. "You alright, babe? You seemed kind of tense."
Tense. Right, yeah, there's one word for it. Jared closes his eyes and thinks about lying out in the snow in his underwear, waits for his body to realize he's not about to get sucked off by Jensen Ackles or anyone, and now's not really a great time for a jerk off session, either.
"I'm fine," he says, letting out a heavy breath. He gives her his best forced smile knowing she'll be able to tell it's bullshit but hoping she won't know why. "I'm fine, just kind of beat, you know? I already had a test earlier today, so."
"Yeah," she says, squeezing his wrist a bit before letting go. "I know biostat wiped you. Why don't you head home? Get a quick nap." Danneel opens her mouth to protest, but Gen cuts her off. "I'll finish working through Jared's chapter. I'm almost done with mine, anyway."
"It's okay," Jared assures them both. "I can do it. Just need a coffee refill. This is how grad school is supposed to go, right? I'm preparing myself."
Gen frowns. "You haven't had a full night's rest since Tuesday."
Jared is about to insist-Study Circle was his idea, and he'll be damned if he walks out on it two days before the end of finals. But then his phone vibrates in his pocket. He knows who it'll be. He knows what it'll say.
He shouldn't look.
He looks.
need help with edlund's class? remember I TAed for him last fall. not above sharing some tips. :)
Jared smiles at Gen, doing his best to look exhausted and not like his blood is pumping that much faster. "You know, it has gotten really late. Maybe I will head out. I promise I'll make it up to you guys in the spring."
"This is bullshit!" Katie says, throwing her pencil down on her textbook as Jared gathers his things. "You guys saw that, right? That was a booty text. He's going to go fuck some hot guy while we all sit here and suffer."
"It was not!" Jared replies. He isn't even lying. The sad truth is that Jensen invited him over to study, and study is exactly what they're gonna do. But, to be fair, definitely a hot guy, and Jared probably did make a booty text face.
"It looked like a booty text to me," says Danneel. She shrugs at Jared's betrayed look. "Sorry, man. Just being honest."
"Hey, if he's gonna get his dick sucked, can I get mine, too?" Chad asks. He grins at Danneel's narrowed eyes. "What? I return favors!"
Danneel mimes gagging for a few seconds, and Jared can't help smirking, even as he rushes to defend himself. "I'm not getting my dick sucked. Nor will I be sucking any dicks. Just need some sleep."
"Yeah, let up, guys. Who would Jared even be running off to? No one meets anyone fuckable during finals week. We all look like trolls." Gen laughs dismissively, not even bothering to raise her eyes from the page as she highlights a paragraph in the chapter Jared was supposed to be working on.
There are so many things he could say to that. Jared met Jensen months ago, so he's sitting on months of lying to her about his whereabouts, not just a mid-finals fling he forgot to mention. In fact, Gen introduced them. And Gen's the one who, for Jared's sake, to let him know he was loved and supported and safe, saw to it that Jensen was cut not only out of her life, but out of their entire social sphere.
It's a miracle that the guilt doesn't fall out of the sky as a lightning bolt and strike Jared dead, because here she is, carrying his load, so damn unsuspecting. Such a good friend. And then there's Jared, who can hardly wait to get away from his friends and run off to spend time with someone who is definitely not a friend. The opposite of one, really.
And yet Jared can't see enough of him. Can't stop sneaking away to be near a man who hates him. Who he tries so hard to despise in turn, fantasizes about it just as much as he fantasizes about the rest of Jensen. He'll never touch Jensen, see his eyes blown black with lust, hear him pant Jared's name. He'll never hate him, either, and the only person he blames for how he does feel is himself.
_______________________________________________________________
Study Circle was Jared's brilliant invention. A way to get through senior year, actually see his friends without screwing up The Plan (graduate 4.0 with a funding package lined up so he can get his doctorate somewhere his momma will boast to her book club about).
He spread it through word of mouth: bring your friends, bring baked goods, come with an earnest intention to at least study half the time. Fifteen people came the first week, nine the second, it eventually settled into seven regulars who cycled through, and they actually got work done every time.
Jared was kind of proud of his stupid, nerdy little idea.
Then Jensen happened. Jared will never forget. Week 5. He walked into their reserved room in the library five minutes early, saw that everyone was congregating around the snack table and Katie's oatmeal raisin cookies as usual, and began to shrug his jacket off.
There was a new guy sitting at the conference desk, staring down at his books and looking intensely uncomfortable. Poor bastard, new groups are hard. Jared decided to skip the sweets and help the guy feel more at home.
"I'm Jared," Jared had said, sitting close but not directly next to the new guy, giving him enough room to breathe. "Welcome to the group!"
The guy looked up, smiled briefly, and then Gen came up behind him, clapping a hand down on his shoulder. "This is Jensen. He's my buddy from work, but he also TAs for Professor Edlund. I thought he might be able to help us out since we were so stumped on last class' homework. That okay?"
"Is it okay that you brought us the guy who grades the quizzes?" Danneel asked, plopping into the seat between Jared and Jensen with her plate of cookies and giving Jensen a smile so welcoming it was actually a little creepy.
Not that Jared could blame her for looking at Jensen the way a dragon looks at a giant pile of gold. If Jared had words to describe how attractive this guy was, he would have majored in creative writing, not biology.
"I can't tell you what's gonna be on the test," Jensen said, looking guilty. "I mean, I can try to help but-"
"Hey, don't sweat it," said Jared with his best reassuring smile. "We want to learn, not cheat."
Jensen looked up at him for half a second, then glanced away hurriedly, and Jared actually thought he should try flirting a little, see if that blush on Jensen's cheeks was just shyness or if Jared actually had a chance.
Until half an hour in, when Jensen interrupted Jared telling the story of the time he and his then-boyfriend had nearly blown up the basement lab sophomore year.
"Wait, you're gay?"
Jared stopped mid-sentence, shrugged and nodded, and met Jensen's eyes, hoping to see excitement causing Jensen to blurt it out with all that intensity.
Then Jensen asked, ever-so-casually, "Doesn't it bother you that you're going to Hell?"
He had just blinked, too stunned by the question, by the way Jensen asked it, to even know how to respond. He'd been lucky, maybe, he'd gotten some thoughtless comments from clueless relatives, but even back in San Antonio, no one had ever said anything like that. And yet Jensen was sitting one seat away from him, an expectant look on his face, like he was just curious and he was expecting Jared to happily supply him with an answer any moment.
Jared didn't even know what to say, got up and walked out of the room in shock, heard another chair slide out as Genevieve rushed to her feet to follow him, but couldn't make himself look back. She stopped him in the hallway, hand on his arm. Promised she hadn't known Jensen was like that, he had seemed perfectly nice, told Jared that Jensen should leave, not him. And Jared agreed, but he couldn't even stay around to see his friends stand up for him. He'd never been so hurt or humiliated in his life.
They kicked Jensen out, Gen told him all about it, and about how they all agreed to never speak to the guy again. And every one of them had kept that promise. Everyone except for Jared.
_______________________________________________________________
The second time he met Jensen, Jared was eating alone in the student center's cafeteria. It had been a couple of weeks, and Jared had, for the most part, forgotten the asshole even existed. Jared was minding his own business, silently mourning the fact that he didn't understand a word he'd read in the last hour and was probably going to die if his professor called on him in class.
"It's going to be counterintuitive to you, coming from a background in biology, but if you stop trying to force it to make sense in that context, I think you'll get it pretty fast."
Jared looked up to see Jensen, his hands fiddling nervously with the strap of a black satchel bag, and god, isn't that just what Jared needed.
"Are you talking to me?" Jared asked.
Jensen had nodded, invited himself to the empty seat across the table from Jared. He pointed to a graph on the page Jared was struggling with and gave Jared a helpful smile. "See, this part right here just means that-"
"Do you really think I want your help?"
Across from him, Jensen stopped talking and when he looked up, he actually had the audacity to seem surprised. "Jared, I'm sorry if I offended you. But I can help you under-"
"You wanna help a fag with his homework now?" Jared scoffed. "You're sorry if you offended me, I always love that one. Not sorry you were a complete asshole, just sorry that it got to me."
"I wasn't trying to be an asshole," Jensen had replied, his voice much quieter.
"I don't care what you were trying to do," Jared said. "I want you to leave."
"It was just a question." Jensen spread his hands out, imploring. "You didn't have to answer. I was curious, that's all."
"Fuck you," Jared had replied, proud that his voice hadn't had the slightest hint of a tremble in it. He stood up and walked out, and he'd hoped that would be the last time he'd have to do that because of Jensen.
Of course, it wasn't. Because Jared had nearly failed the test after that, and when he tried to get tutoring from the department, who did they send except Jensen fucking Ackles? Jared had agreed, at Jensen's insistence that he was only hurting himself, to put his personal feelings aside for one hour and give Jensen a chance to tutor him.
Unfortunately, Jensen was brilliant, his propensity for asking incredibly stupid and insensitive questions aside. Jared got an A on his next test, and the first few times Jared had come back, it really was only for help. It had nothing to do with how friendly Jensen acted despite Jared knowing what he really thought of him, or his horrendously cheesy science jokes, or the way the skin around his eyes bunched up when he smiled because Jared was on the right track.
It was the cholera that really did Jared in. They were reading case studies of epidemics, and Jensen was helping Jared determine what information was worth remembering and what information was mostly just filler. They made it to the third chapter, about cholera in modern day Latin America, and Jensen was going on some tangent about cholera on the Oregon Trail. Jared kept interrupting him, talking about the video game he used to play in grade school, and Jensen was alternating between laughing, and trying to get him back on track.
At one point Jared had gotten too close to the book they were sharing, his side had brushed up against Jensen's, and Jensen had jolted away like it was instinct. Jared had tried to laugh it off, made a joke about his sexuality not being quite as contagious as the material they were studying, and Jensen had stopped laughing all of a sudden, had put his hand over Jared's (he had never touched Jared before, not intentionally, and just that little gesture somehow erased everything bad Jensen had ever said to him). He looked Jared right in the eye, made sure Jared could hear that he was serious when he said, "you know I don't think less of you for that, don't you?"
No, Jared hadn't known. And, had it been anyone else, Jared would have sneered. Would have informed him that not hating Jared for being gay wasn't some big favor he was doing, it didn't make them friends, it was the bare minimum for being a half decent human being. But. Well. It was Jensen. It was Jensen and…fuck.
Alright, so Jared got hooked. Jared got hooked on the bigot. It wasn't like it was ever going to go anywhere. He would just meet someone else over break, and it was going to be fine. In the meantime, his friends didn't have to know where he was spending his free nights.
_______________________________________________________________
"I never in a million years thought I would see you at a party."
Jensen's been staring into his red solo cup as if the beer inside was whispering the secrets of the universe; his head snaps up as soon as he hears Jared's voice. His smile spreads slowly but it's damn bright once it's done, wildfire eating away at all the defenses Jared had left. "Graduate students hate finals, too, ya know. I'll take any chance to celebrate their demise."
Jared lifts his drink in salute and leans against the wall next to Jensen. "How'd you do?"
"No idea. Just put in my last paper like an hour ago. You?"
"A- in Edlund's class, mostly thanks to you, if I'm being honest." Jared shoulders Jensen. "Thanks."
"No, it was my-" Jensen stops, swallows hard, and then decides to down his drink instead of finishing what he was saying. "I was hoping you would be here. Not that that's why I came. But it's nice to see you, outside of tutoring hours."
Jared just goes with it. "Still a little weird to see you in jeans. And I'm surprised you drink."
"Why's that?" Jensen asks, licking his lips and setting the empty cup aside.
If Jared were a stronger person, maybe his eyes wouldn't linger on the wetness on Jensen's bottom lip, but then again, he's always on the lookout for new jerk off material as far as Jensen is concerned.
"Isn't it a sin or something?"
Jensen winces like he's just been punched. "Or something."
"Is there a problem?" Jared jumps and turns to see Gen glaring up at Jensen, her little hands balled into fists like she's actually going to pick a fight. "Jared, is this asshole bothering you again? I can get him thrown out." She looks at Jensen. "You leave Jared alone. You shouldn't even fucking be here."
"Gen, calm down," Jared says. "He's my-"
"Or, for fuck's sake." She shakes her head, pulling Jared away down the hall, then opens one of the empty bedrooms and shoves Jared inside. "Are you kidding me right now, Jared?"
Jared holds his hands up in defense, because she's obviously a little drunk, and Jared's obviously a lot busted. "I can explain."
"Explain what? You know, Katie told me she saw you at Leonardo's with that creep last week and I thought she was delusional."
"It's not what you think. He was just helping me with some classes and he's not really that ba-"
Suddenly, Gen looks all too sober. "Jared, babe, I saw how you were looking at him out there."
He laughs, but it comes out sounding painfully awkward. "I wasn't looking at him like anything. We're-we're friends. I'm sorry I lied to you about it, but it's complicated, and I knew you wouldn't approve and I-"
"You cannot possibly hate yourself enough to have fallen for a homophobe."
Jared gapes at her for a few seconds, and she stares back, daring him to disagree. "Gen, I…"
"You would have told me about it if you weren't ashamed," she replies. Her voice is soft, sad. Pitying. Jared doesn't need that. He's not in love with Jensen. He wouldn't fall in love with Jensen.
"I think I need to be sick, but this isn't over," she informs Jared before walking out and he watches her head straight down the hall to the bathroom.
He leaves. Chickenshit move that that is, he can't bear to face her again, or wait to find out how the rest of his friends will respond, if there will be silent disapproval for weeks or if they'll stage an intervention right away or what. Jared walks the fuck out, and thinks he's taking the easy route until he bumps into Jensen.
Literally bumps into, because Jensen is at the bottom of the stairs as Jared's exiting, just standing there. Holding the railing as if it's the only thing helping him sort out which way is up and which way is down.
It hasn't been that long since Genevieve dragged Jared away, but it's obvious that Jensen has had a lot more than beer in the interim. And his eyes are red, not red like he's smoked something or had too much tequila, but like he's been crying or on the verge of it at least.
"Jensen?"
Jensen blinks for a long minute, staring at Jared like he's trying to decide whether Jared is real or not. "Am I a bad person?"
"What?" Jared slides an arm around Jensen to try to hold him up, but Jensen slips away immediately. Maybe he really does think Jared is contagious. "Jensen, you're a very drunk person."
"I am. You think so. All your friends think so." Jensen laughs. "You didn't even tell them I was helping you. I thought maybe…I thought maybe they wouldn’t hate me so much anymore."
"Is that why you helped me?" Jared asks. "To get back on their good sides?"
Jensen takes a step forward instead of saying anything, trips over his own feet and falls on his face. Jared wants to think it's funny. Jensen is part of why people like Jared hate themselves, he's not a good guy. It should be funny.
So why does Jared feel like it's his own damn insides spilled all over the ground, pathetic and lonely and unwelcome, instead of someone he should see as his enemy?
He bends over and peels Jensen off the pavement, and Jensen is finally too gone to struggle out of Jared's grip, so he lets Jared prop him up. "Come on, man. Let's get you home. We'll call this whole thing even and we never have to see each other again after tonight."
"Maybe that's best," Jensen says. He walks at the pace Jared sets and thankfully there are no more falls. It takes Jensen three walks around the block to remember where he lives, so it's over half an hour before Jared finally gets Jensen to his door.
Jensen at least remembers how to use his keys. He lets Jared into a cozy, neat apartment, and Jared feels a tug in his chest because this is exactly what he imagined Jensen's apartment would look like. He likes it so much that he knew, and he's pissed that he even cares.
Okay, so maybe Jared fell a little bit. It's not like he ever let himself expect anything, it’s not like he ever pretended Jensen was a good person, or that it was okay to fall. But he fell.
"Go get in bed, okay?" Jared tells Jensen. "You can walk on your own, you're fine. I'll get you some water."
Jensen nods, and Jared watches him get as far as the bedroom before he heads into Jensen's kitchen, picks out a glass and the Brita from the fridge and tries to find some painkillers to no avail.
Jensen's room is pitch black when Jared pushes the door open, and he listens to the creak, wondering if Jensen fell asleep. He's just about to turn and go when he hears a soft, watery sound and he realizes Jensen isn't asleep.
He's crying. Definitely crying.
"Jensen," Jared says, leaning over the bed to touch Jensen's shoulder. "Jen, are you okay?"
"Somebody loved me once," Jensen replies.
Great, Jared thinks. He'll end the night with incoherent babbling from the sad drunk bigot who has very likely cost Jared all his closest friendships.
Well, it's too late to get out now.
Jensen turns around to look at Jared, but Jared can't see him. He's all shadow, it's much too dark inside the room. Jared could turn the light on, but it seems easier this way.
"Can you believe that?" Jensen asks.
It's almost funny, Jensen asking Jared that. Jared has been trying his hardest not to love Jensen for months, and here Jensen is making it sound as if it's hard to do instead of impossible not to. "Yes."
Jensen huffs out a nasty laugh. "You hate me. You all do. I thought. I thought I was being good. I thought this was what I had to do to be good, but now I'm so confused. I'm so confused."
"Look, you're not the first guy to ever meet a gay person and realize we're not terrible. It's okay that you asked that question. My friends-they're protective of me. But I know you better than they do. I don't hate you. I don’t think you're a bad person. I think you need to drink some water and ask these questions again in the morning, okay?"
"They do, they protect you. They love you so much." Jensen reaches his hand out and takes Jared's, starts tracing his fingertips over Jared's palm. "Someone loved me like that once."
"What happened?" Jared asks, sitting next to Jensen on the mattress. He's still not sure where this is coming from, but it's obvious Jensen wants to talk, and Jared doesn't think he has anyone else to talk to. The irony of this is not lost on Jared.
"I told my mom. I didn't think, not in a million years did I realize it was wrong. I didn't think I should be ashamed, I thought she would be happy. We met at bible camp." Jensen snorts, rolling onto his back but not letting go of Jared. "He was a nice, Christian boy."
Jared almost slaps himself as everything snaps into place, and somehow it's all so, so much worse. "Jensen, you...?"
"We were just kids, I know. Stupid kids. We were like kids are, when you want someone for the first time and they want you back and you think, this is it. This is forever."
Jared smiles. "Yeah, I remember the feeling."
"It wasn't forever. I don't think it would have been, even if things had been different. But it was beautiful. It was so beautiful."
"What was his name?"
"Matt," Jensen answers after a long pause. "He was a year older than me. We used to wait until after prayers and lights out and sneak off to meet at the lake. We'd swim and watch the stars and kiss. Just kissing. And one time, the night before we left. He used his mouth on me. We were just stupid kids, it felt so good. It felt right, how was I supposed to know it wasn't?"
"Maybe it was right." Jared shifts on the bed, lets Jensen decide if he wants to get closer, and Jensen does. He rolls over until Jared's hand is resting in his short, spiky hair. "It sounds nice."
"He loved me, Jared, he really did. He was too old for that camp, but he promised to come back the next year just for me. And he did, too. You know what I did to him?"
Jared shakes his head. He doesn't think he wants to know.
"After I told mom-I thought she would be so happy for me, that I'd met someone special like that. That he even knew I existed, let alone loved me back. But she wasn't happy. No one was. And by the time I went back the next year. They'd all convinced me it was true. Mom and dad and the pastor, they all told me I was a sinner if I'd liked it. But if it was just him, if it was something he did to me and not something I wanted, all I had to do was recant and God might forgive me one day. I heard it so many times, I really believed it was true."
"Jesus, Jensen," Jared says before he can stop himself. He can hear that Jensen's on the brink of crying again, so he doesn't push any further.
"I told him he was a monster. I told him I never wanted him, that he'd tried to lead me astray. That he'd made me do all those beautiful things against my will and I hated him for it. He…he looked so hurt, Jared. I just wanted to kiss him and say I was sorry but I didn't wanna go to Hell. I didn't wanna be a sinner."
"There's no such thing as Hell," Jared replies.
"No, you're wrong. There is. And I'm going there no matter what." Jensen wipes his nose. "If my parents were right, I'm going to Hell for wanting the things I want, and if they're wrong, I'm going for what I did to him. For what I said to you. I didn’t understand when I met you. You seemed so comfortable with what you are. I just didn't understand how you could be so comfortable with it when it's ruined everything I've ever had. I just wanted to understand."
"Do you still think I'm going to go to Hell?" Jared asks. "Nothing about me has changed, Jensen. We're friends now. You know me. I've done what you did and a whole lot more. Am I a bad person?"
"No." Jensen sits up, leans just enough into the light from the hallway that Jared can see the expression on his face. He looks terrified just by the suggestion. "People like you don't go to Hell. People like you, you've got so much light in you, Jared. You shine and you make people's lives better, it doesn't matter what you want. People like you don't go to Hell."
"So what makes you different?"
Jensen looks down at his hands like they're dirty, like they are personally offending him just by being attached. "I don't have any light. I had a flicker of it, once. And I crushed it. People like me, we could do everything right and still not be worth saving. I don't understand why you still talk to me. Your friends were right about me."
"They weren't. They didn't know that you-" Jared reaches out, touches Jensen's cheek lightly. "Jensen, I'm so sorry for what your parents did to you. I'm sorry they made it so you can't see yourself. But you do shine. And if you're right, if there's such thing as Hell, you don't have to go there."
Jensen sways forward, his lips land sloppily on the side of Jared's mouth, and it's so easy, so damn easy for Jared to take what he's been dreaming about for months.
Instead he pushes Jensen away by the shoulders.
"You don't want me," Jensen says this like it's a fact, and yet somehow it still manages to be a question.
"You know the answer to that," Jared replies. "Don't act like you don't know. As if you haven't known for months."
"Don’t push me away, then," Jensen begs, and he tries for a kiss again.
Jared pulls away to the end of the bed. "Jensen, you're drunk. You might still think this is disgusting in the morning. You're not-I mean. You have things you need to work through before we can do this. But I will be here to support you. And…maybe one day-"
"No!" Jensen sounds like a whiny child, and it's almost endearing except that he kind of looks like a kid who's just had his heart crushed, and Jared can't help wondering if a part of him has never outgrown that summer or the way he felt when his parents soured it. "Tomorrow I'll be sober. I'll be a coward again. Please, just let me have this once. You're worth going to Hell for."
He grabs at Jared's shirt in a frenzy, as if he's trying to tear at it. "Please, please let me have you once before I burn up just wishing for you."
Jared grabs both of Jensen's hands, and Jensen tries to resist his hold for a few seconds before he collapses against Jared's chest.
"Go to sleep, Jensen. We'll deal with this in the morning, okay?"
Jensen nods and pulls Jared down the bed, until he's resting on his back and Jensen is curled up on his side. "Stay with me?" he asks, soft and sweet, and Jared wouldn't have the strength to say no if he tried. "I promise not to try anything. Please just stay with me."
It's already been established that Jared is a sucker where Jensen's concerned.
_______________________________________________________________
He wakes up the next morning disoriented. There's hardly any sunlight inside this room, due in large part to the heavy curtains and stacks of books by the windows. This is not Jared's bedroom. Jared likes for the sun to wake him, is unfamiliar with these sheets, and with the walls that particular shade of green. He doesn't feel hungover, never got much of a chance to get drunk the night before, and he's still wearing all his clothes, so he doesn't seem to have gotten laid.
Then he remembers bringing Jensen home. All those things Jensen had said. Jensen, where’s Jensen?
He reaches out in front of him, turns over, finds no one in the room with him, let alone in the bed. "Jensen?"
It's only a few seconds before Jensen peeks his head into the room. He looks a lot worse for wear, which isn't surprising to Jared. He'd gotten pretty trashed while Jared and Genevieve were having their argument.
His eyes have dark bags, his hair is mussed, and there are still creases from the pillow on his cheek.
Jared has never seen anyone so gorgeous in his life.
"I woke up first," Jensen says. Which, okay, a little obvious, but Jared has been hungover before, he knows how much to reasonably expect. "I, uh." Jensen scratches the back of his neck. "I stayed in bed for a while. Watching you. And then I realized how creepy that was. So I stopped."
Jared ducks his head and laughs. "You know, the point of stopping the creepy thing before the other person wakes up is so that they don’t know you did it."
Jensen's smile is sad. "Sorry. I…don't have much experience. Waking up with people."
He swallows hard, trying to focus on anything except, well. Okay. Obviously Jensen is a virgin, he told Jared as much the night before, even if not in so many words. And it's not like Jared has some weird virgin fetish, except that everything is kind of a kink when it relates back to Jensen, and all Jared can think of is giving Jensen what was taken from him all those years ago. Being the only one to ever give Jensen those things.
"Coffee," Jared says, because that seems more appropriate than any of his thoughts, most of which revolve around Jensen's ass and putting things inside it. "Do I smell coffee?"
There's a mug in Jared hands before long, and Jared sits at the end of the bed, blowing on the hot liquid so Jensen can have some time to decide whether he's comfortable or not.
"I did some thinking," Jensen says, taking a seat next to Jared on the mattress. His leg is pressed up against Jared's, a casual touch that Jared knows better than to take for granted.
"Oh yeah? About what?"
"About a lot of things. What we talked about last night. You. Me. You and me if…if you actually want that, which. I can't even believe you might but you said-"
"I want there to be you and me," Jared reassures him. "But I don't want to be something you regret, or feel guilty about, or resent. I don't want to be with you because you think you're going to Hell anyway. I need you to see that this isn't evil."
"Well, that's just the thing," Jensen says. He takes Jared's hand in his own and just holds it, this perfect, warm weight and Jared doesn't know how he's ever supposed to let go. "I think it's just the opposite."
Jared raises an eyebrow, gestures with his hand for Jensen to go on.
"When I was little, I mean really little. Before bible camp, before I ever wanted anyone. We used to go to church and I felt so full of love and light and grace because I believed, I really did. There was this great, big beautiful God out there and He loved me just for being me. That's who He was for me, He was love. I've spent the last ten years scared of Him. He was just this threat my parents kept telling me about, but that's not the God I loved.
"I woke up this morning next to you, and I felt like…being saved can't be different than what that felt like to me. After all these years, thinking there was something wrong with me and trying to convince myself that what felt good to me was wicked. I woke up and for once I felt right."
Jared grins. "I get it now. I'm God."
"Shut up, Jared," Jensen says, but he's smiling. "What I mean is. I thought you were a test. When you walked into that library room and you were so gorgeous and then you just announced that you…that you were like me-"
"Gay," Jared says. "It's okay to say it, Jensen."
Jensen nods, steels himself for a second, and then continues, "When you said you were gay. And you looked at me like you wanted me. You can't imagine how afraid I was of you, Jared. I thought you were a test. I thought He was testing me and I thought I would die if I didn't touch you and I would burn for eternity if I did."
"And now you don't think that?"
"I think I have been tested," Jensen says. "Things I did not realize were tests, those things tested me. I'm not sure I passed. But you…you're a reward. One I don't deserve, maybe. But you're not a test. Because if God is good and if He loves me, and I believe that He does, He wouldn't have sent me a test I could not pass. Not falling in love with you, that is an impossible task."
"So what you're saying is…" Jared turns toward Jensen, cups his cheek with the hand not still tangled with Jensen's. "You're saying you want to try this?"
"I'm saying you were right to push me away yesterday. But today I know what I want. I don't know what is right or wrong, not for sure. But I know what I feel. I know that when I try to imagine being close to God, the closest thing I can think of is…" Jensen blushes and tries to duck his head but Jared holds his gaze. "I want you inside me, Jared."
Jared sets the half-empty mug of coffee on Jensen's nightstand and takes Jensen's face in both hands. They kiss for the first time, and it's slow but it's deep, Jensen remembering something he obviously hasn't done in a long time, but jumping into it without abandon.
He makes sure to ease Jensen back slowly, because a part of him is still worried, with how deeply ingrained all those awful things Jensen's parents made him believe were, that Jensen may change his mind any moment. He knows this won't be the end of it, that Jensen is going to have to struggle against that trauma for years, maybe his whole life. But when Jensen pulls back and Jared searches his face, those impossible green eyes, for any trace of guilt or hatred or regret, he sees only desperation and complete devotion.
Jensen reaches out first, sliding his hands under the thin fabric of Jared's t shirt and smoothing over his chest, finding one nipple and playing with it, a delighted smile crossing his face when Jared gasps and leans into it.
"Can you take it off?" Jensen asks, looking up at Jared like he's embarrassed to be asking. "I've imagined what you look like so many times, I just can't believe I can really have you."
Jared pulls his shirt off over his head, thrills in the way Jensen's face lights up. He reaches forward, bunching Jensen's shirt up to his armpits until Jensen lifts his hands so Jared can pull it off. "You're crazy if you think you're the only one who's thought about this."
Jared kisses Jensen once on the mouth, then takes his neck, keeps moving until his mouth is on Jensen's nipple and Jensen gasps.
"Oh-oh my-" Jensen shakes and when Jared cups his hand over Jensen's dick, Jensen jolts forward. "Please, Jared, I don't think you should touch me yet."
Jared sits back, wipes his hand over his mouth and takes Jensen in. He looks wrecked, and Jared realizes how fast this is going to go if he isn't careful.
Careful is okay, Jared can totally do careful. He undoes his own pants and waves his hands at Jensen, telling him to do the same. Jensen obeys, much faster to undress since he'd apparently changed into sweatpants after waking up this morning. Jared briefly wonders if Jensen knew this might happen, and then Jensen surprises him.
"I did something else, while you were sleeping," he admits. "I, um. I knew you would have to open me up so I. Tried it. Myself. I don't have lube but the lotion worked, I think."
So much for blushing virgin, then. Jared will take a slutty virgin, no arguments.
"Are you trying to kill me?"
Jensen shakes his head. "Trying to get you inside of me as soon as possible, if I'm being honest."
"Okay. Well, damn." Jared takes a few seconds to process, then nods and starts lining up pillows. "Here, lie back on these. It'll be easier for you from the back but-"
"No, I want to see you."
"Are you sure?" Jared asks. "It might hurt a little more."
"I have a feeling I'm gonna like that." Jensen lies back, spreads his legs as wide as they'll go, and he looks so damn wanton Jared has to reach down and squeeze the base of his cock to keep himself from losing it.
"I didn't bring condoms," Jared says. He feels like kicking himself, because there's no way he could have known this would happen, but Jensen definitely doesn't have any, and that means-fuck, if they have to stop. Now. Now when they're so close.
"I'm a virgin, Jared, not gonna be a problem."
Jared nods. "But I'm not. I mean. I've been tested. Haven't been unprotected with anyone since but you never-"
"Shut up and fuck me, please."
"Yeah, okay," Jared agrees, positioning himself over Jensen. Jensen keeps his eyes wide open until Jared's cock is teasing at his entrance, and then he shuts them tight, like he's anticipating a strike.
Jared kisses Jensen's face softly, whispers, "look at me" until Jensen does. Then he shoves forward, pushes into Jensen and watches the way Jensen's face shifts, like he's gone from being damned to being blessed in the space of a second.
"Jared," Jensen groans. "Jared, oh, you're so, fuck, so big, I don't think, please, please."
Jared laughs and presses his lips to Jensen's jaw, leaving a playful bite there before soothing it with his tongue. "Not sure if that's good or bad, Jen."
"Good. Move. Please. Move."
Jared does, pulls out and eases back in, slow the first few times, so Jensen gets used to the feel of being used like this, and so he can memorize the tight slide of their bodies, shift to find a good angle every time he drives down.
Jensen is putty under him, making incoherent noises, repeating Jared's name and saying "there! there!" but not moving. Not taking. Just letting Jared take him for a ride, teach him what feels good and what feels better.
He tries to touch himself, but Jared can tell from the way his cock is drooling precome that Jensen is gonna shoot as soon as he gets some friction. Jared slaps his hand away and fucks him so hard Jensen can't think to try touching himself again. He begs for it, asks Jared for mercy, and Jared just laughs against his skin, drives down into him. It’s not like those ugly fantasies he had. This isn't about punishing Jensen. This is about making it so Jensen's body never forgets what it's like to feel good again.
He keeps it up for as long as he can, but Jensen is impossibly tight, unbelievably gorgeous, the way he's gasping Jared's name out unbearably sweet. He feels his orgasm coming up on him, and maybe Jensen can tell from the way his thrusts lose their rhythm, because he gets his hands on Jared's ass, squeezes it and pulls him in, even as he begs Jared not to finish without him, please, some kind of relief, anything.
Jared ignores him, comes raw into that tight ass, which is new for him, and he wonders if he can get away with licking himself out of Jensen, or if maybe that's a little much for a first time. Once he's done, he pulls out, grins at Jensen's disappointed look.
"Jared, what about-?" Jensen starts, and then Jared takes him by surprise, diving down to swallow Jensen's cock in one clean move.
Jensen's entire body jumps forward, and then Jensen slides his hands through Jared's hair, apologizing. Jared just laughs, as much as he can at least. Jensen's dick is considerable, and Jared's jaw aches taking it all at once. But this is Jensen's first time, and Jared is going to give him the best damn blowjob possible.
Jensen starts thrusting again, not as apologetic now that he's on the verge of climax. "Oh God, oh God!"
Jared pulls his mouth away and looks up. "Aren't you not supposed to take that name in vain?"
Jensen is panting hard, unable to answer right away. "You talk too much," he says, shoving Jared's face back down on his dick, and Jared is apparently into pushy virgins just as much as compliant ones.
It's only three or four more thrusts before Jensen pushes him down and holds him there, come joining the mess of saliva on Jared's chin as Jensen releases how many years of wanting this. It tastes too good to be true and Jared keeps sucking through every moment of pleasure until Jensen is spent, soft, begging Jared to let up because it's too damn much.
He kisses Jensen, and that makes Jensen groan all over again. He pulls back at first, looking like he's not quite sure how he feels about the taste, but damned if he doesn't come right back for seconds. They swap Jensen's come for a long, lazy make out session, and then Jared's phone starts ringing from somewhere on the floor.
They both groan, and Jared collapses against the pile of pillows he'd stacked for Jensen.
"You gonna get that?" Jensen asks.
Jared makes a dismissive sound and wraps his arm around Jensen, tugging him down into his arms. He knows it'll be Genevieve on the phone, that she'll want to know where he is, that she won't like the answer.
Eventually, they're going to have to face all that. Jensen will have to confront everything he's built his life around running from; Jared will have to convince all his friends to give Jensen another chance. But for now, it's easy to ignore the ringing and the rest of the world. They'll keep their secrets just a little longer, tucked away and uncomplicated, and, for the first time, not dirty but purifying.