Real Person Fic - CW: As Boundless As the Sea [Part 2/4]
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PART TWO
Jared stumbles into the kitchen as the sun is settling up in the sky for the day, scratching his bare stomach and yawning, his hair sticking out in every direction. "I smell coffee. You don't drink coffee, but I smell it, and if I'm hallucinating the coffee, I won't be held accountable for what I do."
"Fear not," Jensen says dramatically, walking from the counter to Jared with the mug he brewed and pressing it into Jared's palms. "There really is coffee."
"Thanks." Jared blows on the liquid before taking a long sip. He lets out a breath as he swallows, sounding satisfied, and Jensen feels a proud little rush that he finally got it right. "I didn't think you even knew how to make coffee."
"About that," Jensen replies. He can't help the guilty glance he throws toward the sink, down which he recently poured a whole lot of failed attempts at making this corrupted water Jared is so fond of. "You may need to add coffee to your shopping list."
Jared just gives Jensen a tired shake of his head and huffs out a laugh. "Can't find good help anywhere these days."
"I did the farming, too," Jensen volunteers, trying to boost his stock a little. "Or, well, what I could. Plowed the whole field out by the barn and then I tried to milk the cows but there weren't any cows and there weren't chickens to collect eggs from or pigs to feed. Unless I just didn't look in the right place?" Jensen looks at his feet. "I'm new to farming, but my research indicated that those were some of the things I might be able to do."
"You plowed?" Jared asks.
Jensen smiles patiently and starts from the beginning. Humans are very slow before they've ingested their coffee. "Yes. And I just need you to tell me where the animals are so that I can-"
"The whole field?" Jared looks down at his coffee, then out the window. "Jensen, it's like seven in the morning. What time did you get up?"
He hadn't slept. He had a whole farm worth of land to plow, and it wasn't exactly in great condition. "I checked when we should begin preparing to yield crops, and it looks like we're almost out of time if we want to get everything planted in season."
"We're not-I'm not-I'm sorry you wasted your time with that, Jensen. The farm's dead. I'm not planting anything. Not this year, and not any year after."
Jensen frowns. "It's too much work for one person, but together I think we can at least get something started up in time to-"
The look Jared gives him makes Jensen's form feel too big for him, and he wishes he were liquid again, just so he could sink into the floor. He wanted to make Jared happy, and he's never seen a human look so upset. "I could have found someone to help me do the work if I wanted to," Jared tells him. "This is a family farm, and there's no family here to keep it going for."
Jensen takes a seat at the table across from Jared. He stares at the blank surface instead of at the human, because he's never felt ashamed or embarrassed before, and he thought Jared would be happy.
He doesn't see Jared's hand reaching out for him until it's resting over his. "Look, Jensen, I really appreciate that you tried to help me out. I do. It's been a few years, but I know how much work that was." Jensen hazards a glance up and sees that Jared is watching him closely, an earnest expression on his face. "You shouldn't feel like you have to earn your keep around here, okay? No one does. Sadie and I just ended up stranded here, same as you."
"But I like it here," Jensen says. "I wanted to show you how much. I wanted to say thank you."
Engelons can endure much more, labor longer and harder without taking breaks, than humans can. The field had been big, sure, but Jensen had worked the whole thing over in just a few hours, his eyes able to see when Jared's wouldn't have, all so that Jared could wake up to this surprise in the morning. He thought he'd finally found a place where he has something to offer, where someone might look at him and not see how useless he is.
"And now you've said it," Jared replies. "All it takes is two little words."
It's the same here as it was on his mothership. Jensen fucked up. Again. "I'm sorry, Jared. I should have asked before I did anything."
"Don't apologize to me," Jared says with a soft laugh. "I'm not the one who was up at ass o'clock in the morning doing farm work for no reason. I'd apologize to my sore muscles if I were you."
Jensen shrugs. He feels fine, except for the disappointment lodged in his gut.
"Hey," Jensen looks up at Jared, who is now standing over his shoulder trying to look encouraging, "I'm gonna make bacon."
Bacon is Jensen's favorite. It's a stupid thing to take comfort in, but Jensen picks up a new idiotic human habit every day.
Once breakfast is ready, they sit quietly as they eat. It's not until Jensen is washing dishes that Jared says, "You know what’s awesome about not working?"
Jensen shrugs and keeps scrubbing at the greasy pan in his hands.
"You get to do fun things all day instead." Jared comes up behind Jensen and shuts the water off, which makes Jensen turn toward him. He gives Jensen a childishly excited smile. "Wanna go for a swim?"
Swim, like river and drowned and shower, is a thing Jensen's race has no name for simply because the luxury never would have occurred to them. Jared throws him a pair of shorts and tells Jensen to put them on, and then they go for a walk just like they do every day. They don't follow their usual path, though, and after about twenty minutes, Jensen learns why.
He hears water running-not a faint trickle like there's a loose pipe on the ship, but a steady roar. For a brief moment, Jensen's body tenses up, anticipating the trouble that could come from a leak that big, but then Jared is running ahead of him, flinging his shirt off, with Sadie at his heels, and Jensen remembers he's not on-board anymore, and here on this planet, water sometimes falls from the sky. All you have to do on earth is lie on the ground with your mouth open-sooner or later you'll get fed.
So he follows the trail Jared ran down and finds Sadie waiting for him, wagging her tail. There's a loud whoop and then a splash, and then Jensen rounds a twist in the path and he sees what looks like a big bowl of water, with lush green vegetation growing all around it, and a cliff wall that pours more and more water in.
"Where are we?" Jensen asks, looking around. He's so awestruck for half a minute that he forgets to look for Jared until the man's head pops up from the water and he emerges to come stand by Jensen.
"You can swim, right?" Jared laughs. "Someone who likes water as much as you do?"
Jensen just blinks at him a few times, and Jared's smile slips. "Jesus-Jensen, you're not…" Jared slaps his forehead with his wet hand, and it makes a comical sound. "Fuck. I brought a guy who nearly drowned to a lake. This is why I have no friends."
"Are we not friends?" Jensen asks.
Jared gives him a sly smile. "You tell me."
"I like swimming," Jensen says, still staring at the lake. He's never actually tried it, but something about the idea of being surrounded by even more water than he gets to enjoy during his daily baths makes him pretty sure he'll enjoy it. "I'm not scared of drowning."
Jared smiles and takes Jensen's hand in his, pulling him toward the lake. "C'mon."
They spend several hours in the water. Jensen likes floating on his back best, but, true to form, Jared and Sadie take turns climbing on top of him every now and then, just so he can't get too relaxed. They have faces that are hard to stay upset with, but Jensen does his best to at least act annoyed.
That only makes Jared laugh, and the laugh does something stupid and confusing to Jensen's chest. He decides to look into it later. Right now he's perfectly content just to float in this impossible bounty of water, his eyes closed and turned toward the warm sun, not thinking of anything in particular.
For maybe ten minutes, the peace is unbroken, so Jensen isn't surprised when he feels Jared's fingers poking into his side, making him flail and open his eyes. "What? Leave me alone. I hate you."
"I've noticed that you're a lot nicer to me when you're comatose. I'm gonna start spiking your water so you go into alcohol fits more often."
"Don't even joke, Jared," Jensen says, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. "I know where you sleep."
There's a light pressure on his face, so Jensen opens his eyes, his eyebrows drawing together when he sees Jared's gotten close to him and is brushing his thumb along Jensen's cheek.
"Personal space-ever heard of it?" Jensen lifts his hand up and wraps his fingers around Jared's wrist. He has every intention of pushing Jared away, but for some reason he gets stuck like that. The expression on Jared's face is intense, and for a moment Jensen wishes that he had his proper limbs back, so he could touch Jared all over, like the human seems to be doing with only one finger on Jensen's skin.
They stay like that-Jared staring, Jensen returning the look-for a long minute before Jared blinks, and it's like a spell's broken. Jared drops his hand from Jensen's face, laughing softly as he does so. "You've got freckles, Ackles," Jared says, exaggerating his accent.
Jensen doesn't know why he's disappointed, but all he can do to hide it is look away and say, "Fuck you."
"It's true, though," Jared continues. "You're pretty like a princess."
"Oh, look who's talking," Jensen returns. "Every time you come up from the water you toss your flowing locks like you're trying to sell me a boob job."
"You could use a boob job, asshat."
Jensen makes a very serious face. "So, just to get this on the record, you are, in fact, trying to sell me a boob job?"
"My evil plan all along," Jared confesses.
Sadie tries to join in on their laughter, barking loudly from the shore. Jared looks back at her, then at Jensen, and his face goes all concerned in a way that makes Jensen feel a little uncomfortable. "You ready to head back?"
"I'm not finished floating," Jensen whines. "The sun's not even thinking about setting. Can't I stay a little longer?"
He's only just discovered lakes and swimming, two of the greatest things he's ever experienced, and he can’t imagine why Jared would want him to leave already.
Jared hesitates, biting his bottom lip. "If I take her back to the house and throw some lunch together for us, can I trust that you'll still be here when I get back?"
Jensen laughs. "Where would I go? I'm the squatter, remember?"
Jared opens his mouth to reply, but he closes it before saying anything, and seems to think long and hard before opening it again. "You're happy now, right? You seem happy."
"I'm happy, Jared," Jensen assures him. He feels a shit-eating grin crack his expression in half. "I'd be happier with a sandwich."
"Okay," Jared replies. He swallows hard and nods. "Okay, Jensen. I trust you. Just. Don't-you know."
He doesn't know. He has no idea, really. But, whatever. "Yup! Promise."
Jensen tilts his head back then and continues floating. He drifts for so long that he doesn't really hear when Jared leaves and it's not until there's cold water splashing on his face that he realizes Jared has returned.
"Wakey wakey," he hears from his left, which is also where the splashing water's coming from. Classic Jared.
He sighs and stands, his feet digging into the muddy bottom of the lake. "Are you back already?"
"Shut up, you love me," Jared replies.
"I'll take your word for it." He rubs his palms into his eyes and looks up to the shore. "I thought you said you were bringing lunch?"
"I did bring lunch." Jared points up, to the top of one of the tall rocks forming a wall around the lake. "I set us up a picnic by the waterfall. Probably because I'm awesome."
"Probably," Jensen agrees, rolling his eyes. He follows Jared out of the lake and around on a path that leads to the top of the small cliff. It's not a terribly demanding climb, but it's pretty impressive that Jared made the whole thing with food for two people in his hands while Jensen was floating along, completely oblivious.
The picnic consists of two bottles of water, tuna fish sandwiches, and two big slices of watermelon. Watermelon is, unsurprisingly, Jensen's favorite food, and he eats his slice and half of Jared's, sucking the juice unapologetically from his fingers as he finishes it off.
Jared just watches him as he lies on his side, a lazy, content smile on his lips. "You have the weirdest eating habits of anyone I have ever known, Jen."
Jensen licks his lips one last time and then gives Jared a very self-satisfied smile. "You have an exceptionally large forehead for a human."
Snorting, Jared lies back, closing his eyes and basking in the sunlight, like Jensen had done in the water earlier. He takes the chance to look at Jared, just to look, closer than he usually does. Jensen likes to look at Jared.
After a while, Jared takes a deep breath and slowly opens his eyes. Jensen doesn't realize he's hovering right over Jared until Jared's eyes meet his. He's ready for Jared to tease him, or to ask what Jensen's doing, but Jared is quiet for once, like he understands what Jensen's thinking, even though Jensen doesn't.
He sits up slowly, reaching out, his big hand circling around the back of Jensen's neck, and looks hopeful and expectant. He waits for Jensen to make the next move, but Jensen doesn't know what the next move is supposed to be.
"Jensen," Jared whispers, moving forward a little and angling his head in a strange way.
He's about to ask, but then Jared presses his mouth against Jensen's. The pressure lasts for a few seconds. Jensen freezes, unsure of what the gesture means or how he should respond to it.
Apparently, this is not the correct reaction. Jared yanks his head back, covering his mouth with his hand. "Fuck, Jensen. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-I wasn't trying to take advantage of you. I thought maybe, fuck. You weren't, I mean, I-please tell me I didn't fuck everything up and make you uncomfortable."
Jensen shifts to test it out. "I don't feel any significant change in my comfort level."
Jared huffs out a laugh, but he still looks nervous. "You never told me why your family-I assumed. And I thought maybe you wanted…" Jared clears his throat. "It doesn't matter. You should feel safe here and I-I shouldn't have done that. I know you're not in a good place right now. I never meant to do that unless I was sure you wanted it."
Jensen doesn't know what he wants, or what Jared wants, or what it has to do with what Jared just did. The only thing he knows for sure is that he wants Jared to say his name the way he said it just before he pushed their lips together. His name, like he's someone and Jared likes that person.
Jensen has learned a lot about humans since he fell to Earth-they're not tall, warm smiles and sandwiches and dogs all the time like Jared is. They're ugly, too. Not in the same way the Engelons were, cold and unattached, but in a way that's somehow more horrifying. Every time Jensen watches the news, they surprise him. He probably would have run right back to his mothership, begging not to be one of them, had anyone but Jared found him.
They hurt each other on purpose. For money, or power, or that abstract concept that seems to turn men into monsters, love. Engelons don't care about wiping species off planets to get what they need-but that's about necessity, Jensen understands that. Humans feel fondness and form attachments and long for beautiful things, and somehow it's those traits that make them dangerous.
He's learned a lot about humans since he fell to Earth, and the things he's learned would have taken all the hope right out of him. These are not the creatures he thought they were when he was sitting on his ship, wishing so desperately to be one of them. But he can't hate them or give up on them completely, because Jared is living proof that there are parts of them so good they are beyond his perception.
Jensen hates nothing about himself more than that. He's been acting human long enough to understand jealousy and greed, but he's no closer to comprehending Jared than he was the day he woke up. All Jensen wants is a look into Jared's mind, so the next time Jared wants something, he can know how to give it to him.
"Why did you rescue me?" Jensen asks.
"It wasn't because I wanted…" Jared's eyes dim, and he pulls back like he's just been sprayed with cold water. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"I could have been anyone," says Jensen. "I could have killed you."
"You didn't, though," Jared replies, shrugging like that's the end of it. "Did you?"
"That's not the point," Jensen snaps. "What if I had?"
"I might have thanked you for it," Jared answers. His voice is quiet and soft, but that doesn't stop the words from sounding harsh. "Didn't have anything to lose."
Jensen must make a confused face, because Jared gives a cool laugh and looks down at his hands. "I figured you knew. That you of all people understood."
He finds himself shaking his head. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Neither does trying to drown yourself," Jared replies.
Something slots into place for Jensen then, something he's been trying so hard to grasp. This is why Jared worries about him and rivers. He thought Jensen had been trying to die, when in fact it had been just the opposite.
Do people try to die? he asks himself. It's a few steps beyond the irrationality Jensen has come to expect from humans. He doesn’t see a single potential benefit from such an action, but then his world grinds to a halt as it really hits him that Jared just said he wanted that.
"You-you can't, Jared. How would I-?"
Jared gives him a weak smile, his fingers brushing gently along Jensen's hairline, like he's trying to push a strand back behind Jensen's ear. "I've got something to lose now," he says. "You saved me, too, Jensen."
For a moment, Jensen doesn’t care anymore. If Jared just needed someone around, if anyone would have done, at least Jensen showed up before his crazy, senseless, moron of a human being could put an end to his crazy, senseless, moronic existence.
"I probably wouldn't have done it," Jared says, like that's going to reassure Jensen. But then he tilts Jensen's chin up, so Jensen has to look him in the eye, and the smile does help a little. "Now I know I won't."
"I won't, either," Jensen promises. Even though there wasn't any danger of it, because Jared doesn't know that, probably wouldn't believe him if he tried to say it, and if Jared feels anywhere as sick over the idea as Jensen does, Jensen wants to put those fears to rest. "I wouldn't do that to you."
"Good. Let's neither of us think about it anymore." Jared grins, hurrying to his feet. "Dare me to jump?"
Before Jensen gets a chance to do so, Jared runs off the rock, tucking his legs into his chest and yelling "cannonball!" Jensen laughs as he shakes his head. He knows a distraction when he sees one, but he jumps in after Jared anyway.
_______________________________________________________________
He can't ignore the crying that night. Not now that he knows the kind of pain that's causing it, something so awful even death seems better. Agony Jensen doesn't think he's capable of feeling, and he hopes he never learns.
But he does feel a sting, nonetheless, knowing that Jared's going through it, and he won't stay quiet about it anymore.
Jared's head snaps up when Jensen pushes the door open. He sniffs and passes his hand over his nose and says Jensen's name in a wet voice.
"Hey," Jensen says. He sits down at the edge of the mattress, looking at Jared in the moonlight that filters in through the window. There are wet tracks down his checks, and when Jared blinks, two big water drops fall from his eyes, rolling down the trails.
"Your eyes are leaking," Jensen tells him, reaching out to catch one of the drops on his fingertip. "It's wasteful."
Unexpectedly, Jared laughs at that. "The shit that comes out of your mouth, man."
Jensen is about to apologize, but very suddenly, Jared's arms are around him, and he's pulled Jensen in for a tight embrace. Jensen listens to Jared's long, shaky breaths for a long time before Jared lets him go.
"I'm sorry," Jensen says when he pulls back. "If I said the wrong thing again."
Jared shakes his head. "You make everything seem new. Shit I take for granted, you'll just say something about it that makes me rethink it completely. Even stuff that sucks, you make it a little bit funnier. I like that about you, Jen. I really like that."
He's not sure if he wants to smile at that or frown. That's him-that's something Jared likes about him that not just anyone could provide. But Jensen's not doing it on purpose, and if Jared knew just how new the things he takes for granted are to Jensen-if he knew what Jensen is-even Jared could probably learn to hate, for something as vile as an Engelon.
"Why do you cry, Jared?"
Jared huffs out a laugh. "I was hoping we might go the bro route and just never talk about this again."
"I'm not your bro." Jensen takes Jared's hand in his and squeezes it. "Tell me."
Jared shakes his head. "I'm sorry if I woke you, Jensen."
"I'm not," says Jensen. "You need someone to talk to, and I'm here now. I know I'm not the best at knowing what to say, but I can at least listen. Please let me help you."
After a long pause, Jared takes a deep breath. "I lost my family."
A couple of weeks ago, Jensen would have asked if Jared was sure he checked everywhere. Now, though, he knows what Jared really means. "I'm so sorry," he says, shifting so he's closer to Jared. "How did they…?"
"I don't know. The police said it was probably an accident. They couldn't explain it, either." Jared swallows hard. "They were mummified. Just-all of them: my mom, my dad, my big brother, and little sister. One of the neighbors noticed no one had left the farm in days so they went over to check and all four of them were just…dead. No weather to explain it, no unusual circumstances except for-they said it wasn't murder, that there was no reason to suspect, but someone must have done something."
Jensen doesn't know what mummified means, but he doesn't really need to. Doesn't want to make Jared rehash it. It's horrible enough to bear without details, so he reaches out and pulls Jared into him, and Jared starts crying again.
"I should have been here to protect them," Jared whispers. "Instead I was off at college dicking around."
"You probably couldn't have saved them," Jensen reasons, soothing his hand up and down on Jared's back. "You probably would have died, too."
"I wish I had." Jared sniffs and presses his face closer into Jensen's chest. "Or I wished that. Before. People kept telling me it would get better after a while, that I just needed some time to grieve and then I'd, I dunno, get back on the horse and go back to school. They'd remind me how proud my parents were that I was gonna be a doctor and say I should do it for them, but all I could think was that if I'd never gone away in the first place, I could have been here with them. I felt so guilty for living. Meg-three more months, she was going to Tulane. Three more months and I at least could have kept my baby sister. Instead I was the only selfish asshole who left home, because I thought I was too damn good to work the land like my dad and brother did."
"How could you have known, Jared?" Jensen asks, passing his fingers through the human's hair. "How would you dying have done them any good?"
"It doesn't matter," Jared replies. "You don't think like that when you've just lost everything. I didn't have anyone or anything to keep going for, and every goddamn day I was more alone and I just wanted to die. I thought about it all the time. More and more every day for two years, and then I found you and it was…I had a reason to get up in the morning."
Jensen's smile is weak, but Jared sits up and gives him a long, serious look, like he's thankful to Jensen just for being here, when really it should be the other way around. Jensen knows he hasn't done anything to earn that kind of gratitude-not from Jared, who he owes everything he has. But he feels stupidly proud nonetheless and can't help it when Jared's looking at him like this.
"At first it was just to make sure you were okay, you know? And just that was enough, at least it gave me some damn purpose. But then you woke up and you were…I wanted to get to know you. I actually looked forward to seeing you every day."
"And now?" Jensen asks, because Jared's using the past tense, and that has him worried.
Jared's expression slips a little. "Now I can't imagine never meeting you. And it makes it worth those two years I spent alone, knowing that if I'd ended it, you wouldn't be here. I didn't save them, but I saved someone. My life's not a total wash." He laughs and looks down at his hands. "And you're…you're pretty magnificent, okay? Whatever your family said or did that made you think otherwise, they were wrong, Jensen. I know it might not mean much coming from me. But you should know that."
"Thanks, Jared." Jared's still fiddling his hands in his lap, but Jensen takes one of them, and Jared looks up to meet his eyes. "That…it does mean a lot to me. You really mean a lot to me."
Jared makes a sour face, but he immediately smoothes it out, like he's trying to pretend it was never there. "I know you don't feel the same way I do. And that's fine, obviously, it's not something you can just turn on and off. You don't know how much of a relief it is just to know I can feel this way about someone again."
"I'm happy to help," Jensen replies, giving Jared as convincing a smile as he can manage when he's not really sure how he's helping. "Do you want me to stay here until you fall asleep?"
Jared seems to consider it for a while, but then he shakes his head. "I think I should probably do my best not to depend on you more than I already have, Jen. An unrequited crush is one thing, but, uh, I'm not the most emotionally stable person on the planet and I don't see how falling for you doesn't end badly for me."
"Okay," Jensen says, trying to hide his confusion. "But will you cry again when I leave?"
With a huff of laughter, Jared pulls him in again, putting his face on Jensen's shoulder. "I think I'm good now," he says, his voice hardly more than a breath. "Thanks for listening."
Jensen wraps his arm around Jared's back, giving him one last, long squeeze before getting up and heading toward the door.
"Wait, Jensen," Jared calls when he reaches the doorway, and he turns, hoping maybe Jared's changed his mind. He's still no expert on human behavior-hell, he didn't understand half of the things Jared just said to him-but he's pretty sure Jared needs someone close to him. And maybe it's selfish, too. Maybe he just wants to be close to Jared. "Thanks for not letting me make things weird. For still liking me."
He grins, leaning in the doorway. "You're not a hard person to like until you start singing."
On the bed, Jared laughs, the sound light and easy and a huge relief to Jensen after the way his voice had sagged a few minutes ago. "Good night, Jensen."
"Night, Jared," Jensen says, knocking the doorframe on his way out.
_______________________________________________________________
Things are back to normal the next morning. Jared acts like the conversation the night before never happened, but he gives Jensen extra bacon and butters toast for him and it's not until Jensen asks if he's feeling alright that Jared stops himself from giving Jensen two-thirds of the scrambled eggs, too.
He blushes a little then, mumbling out some excuse Jensen doesn't catch and serving himself a more even portion. He goes on a run immediately after breakfast, and Jensen doesn't ask to come. It's pretty clear that Jared needs a little time alone.
Instead, he gets to work, trying to investigate some of the things that had confused him yesterday. He starts with the only research tool on human behavior he has readily available, which is why Jared returns to the house hours later to find Jensen parked in front of his television, enthralled by something called a soap opera.
"Is that Days of Our Lives?" Jared asks, his voice teasing as he drops onto the sofa. He stares at the screen for a few seconds and then makes a horrified face. "Oh my god, it is."
"Shh," Jensen says, waving a hand at him.
"What, do you not know how to use a remote?" Jared reaches for the clicker so he can change the channel, and Jensen turns, pouncing on Jared to stop him.
"We're about to find out who the killer is," Jensen says, pinning Jared to the sofa by his wrists. "You can't just change it."
"You could not be more embarrassing right now," Jared tells him. "I thought only old ladies watched this shit."
Jensen feels a faint blush begin to rise in his cheeks, but he keeps his face serious. He'd been flipping through the channels, trying to find one that could explain some of Jared's behavior the night before, and this had been the first one that showed two people pressing their mouths together, so he'd stopped here.
He knows what it means now, that Jared was trying to kiss him, because he, for some reason, seems to think Jensen would make a suitable mate for him. Jensen is too nervous to even try to reciprocate, sure that he can't really give Jared what he wants, no matter how desperately he might want to. But at least now he understands.
Well, almost. Jensen's research indicates that most of the creatures on this planet need members of both sexes to produce children, with humans being no exception. He and Jared could never reproduce, which would make the act meaningless, except that, judging by the television show he's been watching for the last few hours, humans engage in intercourse all the time, with very little provocation, in all kinds of assorted pairings. He hasn't had a chance to discover why they behave this way. Just because, probably.
Engelons only have the resources to produce offspring for about a fifth of the on-ship population at a time. Only the most qualified members of the collective are even considered for the privilege. Jensen never pretended it was an option for him, but the way Jared's eyes go darker the longer Jensen holds him down is making him want to reconsider.
"Okay, grandma. Okay! You can watch your soap. Just, uh, get off me before I pop a boner and this gets awkward."
Jensen laughs, climbing down with the remote in hand. "Pretty sure it got awkward when you said 'pop a boner,' Jay."
"I'm gonna take a shower before you use up all the hot water," Jared tells him, jumping up from the couch as soon as Jensen relinquishes his grip.
Jensen dismisses him with a hum. Ever since Jensen discovered bathing, Jared has made sure to take the first shower on any given day. Jensen has a habit of sitting in the tub for hours on end, which he would apologize for, except that it's too wonderful for apologies. Jared insists he doesn't mind as long as there's enough hot water for him, so Jensen doesn't use the hot water. He doesn't really give a shit about the temperature when there's a whole tub of water to just sit in.
It works out nicely.
"Let me know when you finish," Jensen calls back.
"Are you sure you can stand to be away from the TV for the four hours it'll take you to scrub your back?"
"I'll take the TV in with me." Jensen inspects a potato chip before popping it into his mouth. "Actually, that's a pretty great idea."
"I'll kill you," Jared promises before disappearing down the hall. As his voice grows more distant, Jensen can just hardly make out, "I'll buy a six pack of beer and make it look like an accident."
He snorts and returns to his show just in time to see Sami go on trial.
An hour and a half later, he's splashing away in the bathtub, completely content and oblivious to the outside world. At least until Jared barges in.
"I'm sorry!" he says, holding up a hand as a screen. He hurries across the bathroom and opens the mirror cabinet, rifling through the contents as he looks for something. "I'm not looking at you, I promise. Sadie ran off and I had to chase her and then I tripped over a rock and cut myself and the first aid kit is in here and I would wait until you're done except I know your ass is gonna be in here for like six-"
By now, Jared has grabbed the kit and turned around, and Jensen can see the blood running down his arm. He leaps up out of the bathtub, not bothering to grab a towel, because he knows a little bit about how to close up human injuries, and he figures Jared could use an extra hand.
Jared's eyes widen comically when he sees Jensen and he drops the box, the plastic making a loud sound as it crashes on to floor and cracks open, spilling the contents all over. Jensen's eyebrows draw together, but before he can offer to pick up the mess, Jared points between his legs, blinking his eyes over and over as if he expects to see something new every time he opens them.
"Your-you have-your dick is a bunch of tentacles. You have a tentacle dick. You have a bunch of tentacles instead of a dick." With obvious effort, he lifts his eyes up to Jensen's. "Jensen! You have tentacles!"
Jensen looks down, frowns, and then shrugs. "Why, where do you keep yours?"
Then Jared's eyes roll back in his head, and he collapses onto the floor before Jensen even gets a chance to catch him.
_______________________________________________________________
Jared comes to about twenty minutes later. By now, Jensen has carried him to bed and dressed his wound and he's covered up the tentacles Jared seemed to find so offensive.
He shifts as he wakes, and Jensen brings a glass of water to Jared's lips, because that's what he would want in Jared's place. Jared accepts it, taking only one sip before sitting up and pushing the water away. "What happened?" he asks.
"You cut yourself, but it wasn't anything serious. Then you passed out."
"Ah, right," Jared rubs his forehead. "Man, I had the craziest hallucination. Must have lost more blood than I realized."
It strikes Jensen that this would be a very convenient excuse. He could agree and try to find out what he got wrong about human anatomy, and maybe go on fooling Jared a little longer.
But, well, Jared trusted Jensen with his own secrets, and maybe it’s only fair that Jensen do the same. Not that he expects Jared to accept him once he knows what Jensen is. Not that he'll blame Jared when he doesn't. But he has the right to know.
"You had tentacle dicks. Five of them. Well, there was one big one and then two smaller ones on each side. And they were, like, kind of pretty? Opalescent with these reddish-brown dots all up and down them like freckles only more, you know, tentacle-y-and then the big one had suction cups. I was tripping balls."
Jensen laughs and brushes Jared's hair back from his face. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he licks his lips, "maybe I hit my head, too, when I tripped? What a thing to imagine, though. It was so goddamn vivid."
"What if you didn't?" Jensen asks. "What if you really saw that?"
"C'mon, man, don't mock me. I'm having a very serious mental collapse. I thought you were a tentacle monster."
He frowns. "Is monster really what you'd call it?"
Jared moves quickly, pulling back so that he's sitting up completely, as close to the headboard as his pillows will allow him. "What are you trying to say, Jen?"
Jensen looks down at his hands. "What you saw was real."
There's a short, bewildered laugh, and then a long silence. "You're serious right now, aren't you?"
"Do you want me to show you them again?"
Jared holds out a hand to stop him. "Wait. Let me process." He takes a deep breath, then looks directly at Jensen. "What you are trying to tell me is that you do, in fact, have five tentacles where your dick should be?"
That one smarts Jensen's pride a little, and he narrows his eyes. "Well, hey now, I don't know about should be. I'm not sure what a dick is, but you humans were already lacking in tentacles when I thought you at least had some hidden under your clothes."
"You humans?" Jared says, his face turning pale. "As opposed to?"
Jensen takes a deep breath. "I'm what you would call an alien."
For a moment, Jared looks like he's going to pass out again. At least he's in bed this time. But he manages to recover, nodding slowly. "Right. Of course. An alien. I guess that makes as much sense as anything when it comes to explaining tentacle appendages popping out of your junk. So, you're from, like, Mars or something?"
"No," Jensen says. "Why would you think Mars? There hasn't been water there for thousands of years."
"It's just what the movies-wait a fucking minute, let's not get derailed here. You're an alien."
"By your standards, yes." Jensen nods. "We call ourselves Engelons."
"Where did you come from? How did you get here? Are there more of you? Are we under attack?" His breathing is speeding up, and Jensen can just imagine the way his heart must be drumming away inside his chest. "You look just like us. Well, except the whole tentacle dick thing. Are you everywhere?"
Jensen laughs, taking a little comfort in the fact that, maybe Jared won't ever want to see him again, but at least he'll have this last, neurotically amusing memory to hold on to. "Slow down there."
"I'll slow down when my entire world view is done being challenged."
"Is it really so strange?" Jensen gives Jared what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "I know many of your kind believe in aliens."
"But you're actually real. And you look just like us. You act just like us." Jared's eyebrows draw together. "I get maybe beaming down on Washington and blowing up the White House, but why would you choose to…hang out on a dead farm?"
"We don't look like you. We certainly don't act like you. And I didn't choose to beam down where I landed. I'm not acting as a part of-Jared, I wasn't lying when I told you my family cast me out."
"You just meant out of a spaceship. They cast you out of a spaceship."
Jensen nods. "It was a little more literal than you took it. They meant for me to die here. They didn’t know I would find water on land."
"The river," Jared says slowly.
"Yes," Jensen says, smiling a bit. "It saved my life."
His expression gets brighter, and then it dims. "So I didn't help you. You weren't trying to kill yourself at all. I've probably sounded like such an idiot this whole time."
"No, Jared." Jensen reaches out to take the human's hands, but Jared pulls back. "I wasn't trying to drown myself, and I would never have died in that river. But you certainly did save my life."
"Why?" Jared asks. "Why are you here? Why me?"
"I just got lucky," Jensen tells him with a smile. "Anyone else would have left me out to rot, I think. You brought me in. You kept me hydrated. You taught me how to be human, at least, as much as I've learned. I confess I'm still not great at it."
"You're getting better," Jared says, laughing and shaking his head. "Oh man, this is too weird." He looks up at Jensen. "But I guess it does explain a few gaping holes in your knowledge."
"You are the only human I've ever met. When I first woke up here, I'd only studied you from my ship. And poorly, I see that now. I thought I understood humans because I had a record of your measurements and body processes, but you're so much more than that."
Jared wrinkles his nose. "Did you do abductions or something?"
Jensen laughs. "I have no idea where humans got that bizarre idea from. Not the Engelons, that's for sure. My brethren would never have wasted the effort to learn about you."
"But you did?"
"They had to put me somewhere. I was…not very good at, well, anything." Jensen only manages to smile out of one side of his mouth. "Jared, I was supposed to be looking for weaknesses. And weaknesses were all I found. But every day I watched humans tramp around on the surface, suffering and loving and I didn’t understand any of it, but I knew that it was beautiful somehow. It was so much more than anyone could have experienced among my kin."
"Engelons not big on hugging?"
Jensen feels his face fall. "Engelons don't feel anything. They don't think of anything but water-that's all they need to survive, so it's all they care about. I never had a friend or a family or even an acquaintance. We didn't have names, so I never knew if I was talking to someone for the first time or for the millionth. It wasn't something I was supposed to know how to wonder about. They look down on creatures like you, Jared. Every attachment you form is a weakness to them."
"You're a Vulcan. I've been rooming with a Vulcan," Jared says with a laugh, holding his hand up in the salute Jensen vaguely remembers from a movie they watched last week. "Live long and prosper?"
"No," Jensen says sharply. "You're not getting it. The Vulcans seem callous to you, right?"
Jared nods. It's a little idiotic, but at least it gives Jensen a model to work with that might get his point across. He's starting to understand the potential benefits of all the fictional stories humans tell each other.
"They suppress emotion, with great effort. Engelons just don't feel it."
"Not anything?"
"Not a damn thing, Jared."
"How does that even-? I can't even imagine it."
Jensen nods. "Yeah. Me neither. But I was always wrong in the head."
Jared frowns. "Then they must be-"
"Monsters," Jensen finishes for him. He looks down at his hands. "And I'm one of them. At least partially."
"If that were the case, you'd still be up there on that ship." Jensen looks up, his eyebrows knitting together, but Jared gives him an encouraging smile. "But I'm thinking it's just the opposite. They rejected you because you're not one of them at all."
"Because I looked like you. Because I acted like you." Jensen lifts his hand. "I woke up one day like this and I couldn't make myself change back."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "You didn't choose to look like this? Because, frankly, you've got the kind of face someone would choose."
"I swear, Jared, I have no control over it. Our minds produce bodies that reflect what we identify with. I'm the first Engelon to have a different form than my kin since before we left our planet, and that was thousands of years ago. And, according to the history books, shifts back on our planet were rare and only ever minor adjustments for practical reasons. What I did-it's unheard of and they hated me for it."
"So what do you usually look like?"
Jensen points to his crotch and gives Jared a wry smile. "Kind of like that, only all over."
"Shiny," Jared says.
He laughs, trying to keep his voice light. "In case you thought the dick thing was repulsive. You should have seen my last form."
"Repulsive? No, Jensen, I just-you took me by surprise is all."
He tries not to let himself look too hopeful. "So you don't hate me?"
"I couldn't hate you for being what you are, Jen."
"And for lying to you? Letting you believe I was human this whole time?"
Jared shakes his head. "I don't blame you. It's not something you can walk right up to most people and say."
"Should I leave?"
"Where would you go?" Jared replies. "I told you, you have a home here as long as you want it, Jensen. The way I see it, nothing's changed."
"I can pay you back now that you know what I am, Jared. I can offer you something that'll make you happy."
Jensen sees Jared's body tense, but he manages to keep his expression neutral. "Oh yeah? What's that."
"I can erase your memories. One touch from my tentacle, and I can take them right out of you. You won't have to hurt anymore."
Jared's expression collapses from hopeful to something in the vicinity of disgust. "What?"
"You can forget about your family," he says. "And you'll never have to cry again."
"They're my family," Jared replies icily. "I love them."
"But they're dead now." Jared winces, but Jensen continues, "All they do now is hurt you."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about them," Jared says, like he's angry at first, but then his expression changes until he just seems to pity Jensen. "I'm sorry, Jensen. You still don't understand a damned thing about being human."
"I'm trying," Jensen replies, unable to keep the sting out of his voice. "I'm trying so hard."
Jared's lips thin, but he gives Jensen a stilted nod. "Look, I just need a little time to think, okay? This was…a lot to take in."
Jensen's hand lingers on Jared's leg as he stands. "I wish I had a way to prove to you how hard I've been trying."
ON TO PART THREE
or
BACK TO MASTERPOST
PART TWO
Jared stumbles into the kitchen as the sun is settling up in the sky for the day, scratching his bare stomach and yawning, his hair sticking out in every direction. "I smell coffee. You don't drink coffee, but I smell it, and if I'm hallucinating the coffee, I won't be held accountable for what I do."
"Fear not," Jensen says dramatically, walking from the counter to Jared with the mug he brewed and pressing it into Jared's palms. "There really is coffee."
"Thanks." Jared blows on the liquid before taking a long sip. He lets out a breath as he swallows, sounding satisfied, and Jensen feels a proud little rush that he finally got it right. "I didn't think you even knew how to make coffee."
"About that," Jensen replies. He can't help the guilty glance he throws toward the sink, down which he recently poured a whole lot of failed attempts at making this corrupted water Jared is so fond of. "You may need to add coffee to your shopping list."
Jared just gives Jensen a tired shake of his head and huffs out a laugh. "Can't find good help anywhere these days."
"I did the farming, too," Jensen volunteers, trying to boost his stock a little. "Or, well, what I could. Plowed the whole field out by the barn and then I tried to milk the cows but there weren't any cows and there weren't chickens to collect eggs from or pigs to feed. Unless I just didn't look in the right place?" Jensen looks at his feet. "I'm new to farming, but my research indicated that those were some of the things I might be able to do."
"You plowed?" Jared asks.
Jensen smiles patiently and starts from the beginning. Humans are very slow before they've ingested their coffee. "Yes. And I just need you to tell me where the animals are so that I can-"
"The whole field?" Jared looks down at his coffee, then out the window. "Jensen, it's like seven in the morning. What time did you get up?"
He hadn't slept. He had a whole farm worth of land to plow, and it wasn't exactly in great condition. "I checked when we should begin preparing to yield crops, and it looks like we're almost out of time if we want to get everything planted in season."
"We're not-I'm not-I'm sorry you wasted your time with that, Jensen. The farm's dead. I'm not planting anything. Not this year, and not any year after."
Jensen frowns. "It's too much work for one person, but together I think we can at least get something started up in time to-"
The look Jared gives him makes Jensen's form feel too big for him, and he wishes he were liquid again, just so he could sink into the floor. He wanted to make Jared happy, and he's never seen a human look so upset. "I could have found someone to help me do the work if I wanted to," Jared tells him. "This is a family farm, and there's no family here to keep it going for."
Jensen takes a seat at the table across from Jared. He stares at the blank surface instead of at the human, because he's never felt ashamed or embarrassed before, and he thought Jared would be happy.
He doesn't see Jared's hand reaching out for him until it's resting over his. "Look, Jensen, I really appreciate that you tried to help me out. I do. It's been a few years, but I know how much work that was." Jensen hazards a glance up and sees that Jared is watching him closely, an earnest expression on his face. "You shouldn't feel like you have to earn your keep around here, okay? No one does. Sadie and I just ended up stranded here, same as you."
"But I like it here," Jensen says. "I wanted to show you how much. I wanted to say thank you."
Engelons can endure much more, labor longer and harder without taking breaks, than humans can. The field had been big, sure, but Jensen had worked the whole thing over in just a few hours, his eyes able to see when Jared's wouldn't have, all so that Jared could wake up to this surprise in the morning. He thought he'd finally found a place where he has something to offer, where someone might look at him and not see how useless he is.
"And now you've said it," Jared replies. "All it takes is two little words."
It's the same here as it was on his mothership. Jensen fucked up. Again. "I'm sorry, Jared. I should have asked before I did anything."
"Don't apologize to me," Jared says with a soft laugh. "I'm not the one who was up at ass o'clock in the morning doing farm work for no reason. I'd apologize to my sore muscles if I were you."
Jensen shrugs. He feels fine, except for the disappointment lodged in his gut.
"Hey," Jensen looks up at Jared, who is now standing over his shoulder trying to look encouraging, "I'm gonna make bacon."
Bacon is Jensen's favorite. It's a stupid thing to take comfort in, but Jensen picks up a new idiotic human habit every day.
Once breakfast is ready, they sit quietly as they eat. It's not until Jensen is washing dishes that Jared says, "You know what’s awesome about not working?"
Jensen shrugs and keeps scrubbing at the greasy pan in his hands.
"You get to do fun things all day instead." Jared comes up behind Jensen and shuts the water off, which makes Jensen turn toward him. He gives Jensen a childishly excited smile. "Wanna go for a swim?"
Swim, like river and drowned and shower, is a thing Jensen's race has no name for simply because the luxury never would have occurred to them. Jared throws him a pair of shorts and tells Jensen to put them on, and then they go for a walk just like they do every day. They don't follow their usual path, though, and after about twenty minutes, Jensen learns why.
He hears water running-not a faint trickle like there's a loose pipe on the ship, but a steady roar. For a brief moment, Jensen's body tenses up, anticipating the trouble that could come from a leak that big, but then Jared is running ahead of him, flinging his shirt off, with Sadie at his heels, and Jensen remembers he's not on-board anymore, and here on this planet, water sometimes falls from the sky. All you have to do on earth is lie on the ground with your mouth open-sooner or later you'll get fed.
So he follows the trail Jared ran down and finds Sadie waiting for him, wagging her tail. There's a loud whoop and then a splash, and then Jensen rounds a twist in the path and he sees what looks like a big bowl of water, with lush green vegetation growing all around it, and a cliff wall that pours more and more water in.
"Where are we?" Jensen asks, looking around. He's so awestruck for half a minute that he forgets to look for Jared until the man's head pops up from the water and he emerges to come stand by Jensen.
"You can swim, right?" Jared laughs. "Someone who likes water as much as you do?"
Jensen just blinks at him a few times, and Jared's smile slips. "Jesus-Jensen, you're not…" Jared slaps his forehead with his wet hand, and it makes a comical sound. "Fuck. I brought a guy who nearly drowned to a lake. This is why I have no friends."
"Are we not friends?" Jensen asks.
Jared gives him a sly smile. "You tell me."
"I like swimming," Jensen says, still staring at the lake. He's never actually tried it, but something about the idea of being surrounded by even more water than he gets to enjoy during his daily baths makes him pretty sure he'll enjoy it. "I'm not scared of drowning."
Jared smiles and takes Jensen's hand in his, pulling him toward the lake. "C'mon."
They spend several hours in the water. Jensen likes floating on his back best, but, true to form, Jared and Sadie take turns climbing on top of him every now and then, just so he can't get too relaxed. They have faces that are hard to stay upset with, but Jensen does his best to at least act annoyed.
That only makes Jared laugh, and the laugh does something stupid and confusing to Jensen's chest. He decides to look into it later. Right now he's perfectly content just to float in this impossible bounty of water, his eyes closed and turned toward the warm sun, not thinking of anything in particular.
For maybe ten minutes, the peace is unbroken, so Jensen isn't surprised when he feels Jared's fingers poking into his side, making him flail and open his eyes. "What? Leave me alone. I hate you."
"I've noticed that you're a lot nicer to me when you're comatose. I'm gonna start spiking your water so you go into alcohol fits more often."
"Don't even joke, Jared," Jensen says, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. "I know where you sleep."
There's a light pressure on his face, so Jensen opens his eyes, his eyebrows drawing together when he sees Jared's gotten close to him and is brushing his thumb along Jensen's cheek.
"Personal space-ever heard of it?" Jensen lifts his hand up and wraps his fingers around Jared's wrist. He has every intention of pushing Jared away, but for some reason he gets stuck like that. The expression on Jared's face is intense, and for a moment Jensen wishes that he had his proper limbs back, so he could touch Jared all over, like the human seems to be doing with only one finger on Jensen's skin.
They stay like that-Jared staring, Jensen returning the look-for a long minute before Jared blinks, and it's like a spell's broken. Jared drops his hand from Jensen's face, laughing softly as he does so. "You've got freckles, Ackles," Jared says, exaggerating his accent.
Jensen doesn't know why he's disappointed, but all he can do to hide it is look away and say, "Fuck you."
"It's true, though," Jared continues. "You're pretty like a princess."
"Oh, look who's talking," Jensen returns. "Every time you come up from the water you toss your flowing locks like you're trying to sell me a boob job."
"You could use a boob job, asshat."
Jensen makes a very serious face. "So, just to get this on the record, you are, in fact, trying to sell me a boob job?"
"My evil plan all along," Jared confesses.
Sadie tries to join in on their laughter, barking loudly from the shore. Jared looks back at her, then at Jensen, and his face goes all concerned in a way that makes Jensen feel a little uncomfortable. "You ready to head back?"
"I'm not finished floating," Jensen whines. "The sun's not even thinking about setting. Can't I stay a little longer?"
He's only just discovered lakes and swimming, two of the greatest things he's ever experienced, and he can’t imagine why Jared would want him to leave already.
Jared hesitates, biting his bottom lip. "If I take her back to the house and throw some lunch together for us, can I trust that you'll still be here when I get back?"
Jensen laughs. "Where would I go? I'm the squatter, remember?"
Jared opens his mouth to reply, but he closes it before saying anything, and seems to think long and hard before opening it again. "You're happy now, right? You seem happy."
"I'm happy, Jared," Jensen assures him. He feels a shit-eating grin crack his expression in half. "I'd be happier with a sandwich."
"Okay," Jared replies. He swallows hard and nods. "Okay, Jensen. I trust you. Just. Don't-you know."
He doesn't know. He has no idea, really. But, whatever. "Yup! Promise."
Jensen tilts his head back then and continues floating. He drifts for so long that he doesn't really hear when Jared leaves and it's not until there's cold water splashing on his face that he realizes Jared has returned.
"Wakey wakey," he hears from his left, which is also where the splashing water's coming from. Classic Jared.
He sighs and stands, his feet digging into the muddy bottom of the lake. "Are you back already?"
"Shut up, you love me," Jared replies.
"I'll take your word for it." He rubs his palms into his eyes and looks up to the shore. "I thought you said you were bringing lunch?"
"I did bring lunch." Jared points up, to the top of one of the tall rocks forming a wall around the lake. "I set us up a picnic by the waterfall. Probably because I'm awesome."
"Probably," Jensen agrees, rolling his eyes. He follows Jared out of the lake and around on a path that leads to the top of the small cliff. It's not a terribly demanding climb, but it's pretty impressive that Jared made the whole thing with food for two people in his hands while Jensen was floating along, completely oblivious.
The picnic consists of two bottles of water, tuna fish sandwiches, and two big slices of watermelon. Watermelon is, unsurprisingly, Jensen's favorite food, and he eats his slice and half of Jared's, sucking the juice unapologetically from his fingers as he finishes it off.
Jared just watches him as he lies on his side, a lazy, content smile on his lips. "You have the weirdest eating habits of anyone I have ever known, Jen."
Jensen licks his lips one last time and then gives Jared a very self-satisfied smile. "You have an exceptionally large forehead for a human."
Snorting, Jared lies back, closing his eyes and basking in the sunlight, like Jensen had done in the water earlier. He takes the chance to look at Jared, just to look, closer than he usually does. Jensen likes to look at Jared.
After a while, Jared takes a deep breath and slowly opens his eyes. Jensen doesn't realize he's hovering right over Jared until Jared's eyes meet his. He's ready for Jared to tease him, or to ask what Jensen's doing, but Jared is quiet for once, like he understands what Jensen's thinking, even though Jensen doesn't.
He sits up slowly, reaching out, his big hand circling around the back of Jensen's neck, and looks hopeful and expectant. He waits for Jensen to make the next move, but Jensen doesn't know what the next move is supposed to be.
"Jensen," Jared whispers, moving forward a little and angling his head in a strange way.
He's about to ask, but then Jared presses his mouth against Jensen's. The pressure lasts for a few seconds. Jensen freezes, unsure of what the gesture means or how he should respond to it.
Apparently, this is not the correct reaction. Jared yanks his head back, covering his mouth with his hand. "Fuck, Jensen. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-I wasn't trying to take advantage of you. I thought maybe, fuck. You weren't, I mean, I-please tell me I didn't fuck everything up and make you uncomfortable."
Jensen shifts to test it out. "I don't feel any significant change in my comfort level."
Jared huffs out a laugh, but he still looks nervous. "You never told me why your family-I assumed. And I thought maybe you wanted…" Jared clears his throat. "It doesn't matter. You should feel safe here and I-I shouldn't have done that. I know you're not in a good place right now. I never meant to do that unless I was sure you wanted it."
Jensen doesn't know what he wants, or what Jared wants, or what it has to do with what Jared just did. The only thing he knows for sure is that he wants Jared to say his name the way he said it just before he pushed their lips together. His name, like he's someone and Jared likes that person.
Jensen has learned a lot about humans since he fell to Earth-they're not tall, warm smiles and sandwiches and dogs all the time like Jared is. They're ugly, too. Not in the same way the Engelons were, cold and unattached, but in a way that's somehow more horrifying. Every time Jensen watches the news, they surprise him. He probably would have run right back to his mothership, begging not to be one of them, had anyone but Jared found him.
They hurt each other on purpose. For money, or power, or that abstract concept that seems to turn men into monsters, love. Engelons don't care about wiping species off planets to get what they need-but that's about necessity, Jensen understands that. Humans feel fondness and form attachments and long for beautiful things, and somehow it's those traits that make them dangerous.
He's learned a lot about humans since he fell to Earth, and the things he's learned would have taken all the hope right out of him. These are not the creatures he thought they were when he was sitting on his ship, wishing so desperately to be one of them. But he can't hate them or give up on them completely, because Jared is living proof that there are parts of them so good they are beyond his perception.
Jensen hates nothing about himself more than that. He's been acting human long enough to understand jealousy and greed, but he's no closer to comprehending Jared than he was the day he woke up. All Jensen wants is a look into Jared's mind, so the next time Jared wants something, he can know how to give it to him.
"Why did you rescue me?" Jensen asks.
"It wasn't because I wanted…" Jared's eyes dim, and he pulls back like he's just been sprayed with cold water. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"I could have been anyone," says Jensen. "I could have killed you."
"You didn't, though," Jared replies, shrugging like that's the end of it. "Did you?"
"That's not the point," Jensen snaps. "What if I had?"
"I might have thanked you for it," Jared answers. His voice is quiet and soft, but that doesn't stop the words from sounding harsh. "Didn't have anything to lose."
Jensen must make a confused face, because Jared gives a cool laugh and looks down at his hands. "I figured you knew. That you of all people understood."
He finds himself shaking his head. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Neither does trying to drown yourself," Jared replies.
Something slots into place for Jensen then, something he's been trying so hard to grasp. This is why Jared worries about him and rivers. He thought Jensen had been trying to die, when in fact it had been just the opposite.
Do people try to die? he asks himself. It's a few steps beyond the irrationality Jensen has come to expect from humans. He doesn’t see a single potential benefit from such an action, but then his world grinds to a halt as it really hits him that Jared just said he wanted that.
"You-you can't, Jared. How would I-?"
Jared gives him a weak smile, his fingers brushing gently along Jensen's hairline, like he's trying to push a strand back behind Jensen's ear. "I've got something to lose now," he says. "You saved me, too, Jensen."
For a moment, Jensen doesn’t care anymore. If Jared just needed someone around, if anyone would have done, at least Jensen showed up before his crazy, senseless, moron of a human being could put an end to his crazy, senseless, moronic existence.
"I probably wouldn't have done it," Jared says, like that's going to reassure Jensen. But then he tilts Jensen's chin up, so Jensen has to look him in the eye, and the smile does help a little. "Now I know I won't."
"I won't, either," Jensen promises. Even though there wasn't any danger of it, because Jared doesn't know that, probably wouldn't believe him if he tried to say it, and if Jared feels anywhere as sick over the idea as Jensen does, Jensen wants to put those fears to rest. "I wouldn't do that to you."
"Good. Let's neither of us think about it anymore." Jared grins, hurrying to his feet. "Dare me to jump?"
Before Jensen gets a chance to do so, Jared runs off the rock, tucking his legs into his chest and yelling "cannonball!" Jensen laughs as he shakes his head. He knows a distraction when he sees one, but he jumps in after Jared anyway.
_______________________________________________________________
He can't ignore the crying that night. Not now that he knows the kind of pain that's causing it, something so awful even death seems better. Agony Jensen doesn't think he's capable of feeling, and he hopes he never learns.
But he does feel a sting, nonetheless, knowing that Jared's going through it, and he won't stay quiet about it anymore.
Jared's head snaps up when Jensen pushes the door open. He sniffs and passes his hand over his nose and says Jensen's name in a wet voice.
"Hey," Jensen says. He sits down at the edge of the mattress, looking at Jared in the moonlight that filters in through the window. There are wet tracks down his checks, and when Jared blinks, two big water drops fall from his eyes, rolling down the trails.
"Your eyes are leaking," Jensen tells him, reaching out to catch one of the drops on his fingertip. "It's wasteful."
Unexpectedly, Jared laughs at that. "The shit that comes out of your mouth, man."
Jensen is about to apologize, but very suddenly, Jared's arms are around him, and he's pulled Jensen in for a tight embrace. Jensen listens to Jared's long, shaky breaths for a long time before Jared lets him go.
"I'm sorry," Jensen says when he pulls back. "If I said the wrong thing again."
Jared shakes his head. "You make everything seem new. Shit I take for granted, you'll just say something about it that makes me rethink it completely. Even stuff that sucks, you make it a little bit funnier. I like that about you, Jen. I really like that."
He's not sure if he wants to smile at that or frown. That's him-that's something Jared likes about him that not just anyone could provide. But Jensen's not doing it on purpose, and if Jared knew just how new the things he takes for granted are to Jensen-if he knew what Jensen is-even Jared could probably learn to hate, for something as vile as an Engelon.
"Why do you cry, Jared?"
Jared huffs out a laugh. "I was hoping we might go the bro route and just never talk about this again."
"I'm not your bro." Jensen takes Jared's hand in his and squeezes it. "Tell me."
Jared shakes his head. "I'm sorry if I woke you, Jensen."
"I'm not," says Jensen. "You need someone to talk to, and I'm here now. I know I'm not the best at knowing what to say, but I can at least listen. Please let me help you."
After a long pause, Jared takes a deep breath. "I lost my family."
A couple of weeks ago, Jensen would have asked if Jared was sure he checked everywhere. Now, though, he knows what Jared really means. "I'm so sorry," he says, shifting so he's closer to Jared. "How did they…?"
"I don't know. The police said it was probably an accident. They couldn't explain it, either." Jared swallows hard. "They were mummified. Just-all of them: my mom, my dad, my big brother, and little sister. One of the neighbors noticed no one had left the farm in days so they went over to check and all four of them were just…dead. No weather to explain it, no unusual circumstances except for-they said it wasn't murder, that there was no reason to suspect, but someone must have done something."
Jensen doesn't know what mummified means, but he doesn't really need to. Doesn't want to make Jared rehash it. It's horrible enough to bear without details, so he reaches out and pulls Jared into him, and Jared starts crying again.
"I should have been here to protect them," Jared whispers. "Instead I was off at college dicking around."
"You probably couldn't have saved them," Jensen reasons, soothing his hand up and down on Jared's back. "You probably would have died, too."
"I wish I had." Jared sniffs and presses his face closer into Jensen's chest. "Or I wished that. Before. People kept telling me it would get better after a while, that I just needed some time to grieve and then I'd, I dunno, get back on the horse and go back to school. They'd remind me how proud my parents were that I was gonna be a doctor and say I should do it for them, but all I could think was that if I'd never gone away in the first place, I could have been here with them. I felt so guilty for living. Meg-three more months, she was going to Tulane. Three more months and I at least could have kept my baby sister. Instead I was the only selfish asshole who left home, because I thought I was too damn good to work the land like my dad and brother did."
"How could you have known, Jared?" Jensen asks, passing his fingers through the human's hair. "How would you dying have done them any good?"
"It doesn't matter," Jared replies. "You don't think like that when you've just lost everything. I didn't have anyone or anything to keep going for, and every goddamn day I was more alone and I just wanted to die. I thought about it all the time. More and more every day for two years, and then I found you and it was…I had a reason to get up in the morning."
Jensen's smile is weak, but Jared sits up and gives him a long, serious look, like he's thankful to Jensen just for being here, when really it should be the other way around. Jensen knows he hasn't done anything to earn that kind of gratitude-not from Jared, who he owes everything he has. But he feels stupidly proud nonetheless and can't help it when Jared's looking at him like this.
"At first it was just to make sure you were okay, you know? And just that was enough, at least it gave me some damn purpose. But then you woke up and you were…I wanted to get to know you. I actually looked forward to seeing you every day."
"And now?" Jensen asks, because Jared's using the past tense, and that has him worried.
Jared's expression slips a little. "Now I can't imagine never meeting you. And it makes it worth those two years I spent alone, knowing that if I'd ended it, you wouldn't be here. I didn't save them, but I saved someone. My life's not a total wash." He laughs and looks down at his hands. "And you're…you're pretty magnificent, okay? Whatever your family said or did that made you think otherwise, they were wrong, Jensen. I know it might not mean much coming from me. But you should know that."
"Thanks, Jared." Jared's still fiddling his hands in his lap, but Jensen takes one of them, and Jared looks up to meet his eyes. "That…it does mean a lot to me. You really mean a lot to me."
Jared makes a sour face, but he immediately smoothes it out, like he's trying to pretend it was never there. "I know you don't feel the same way I do. And that's fine, obviously, it's not something you can just turn on and off. You don't know how much of a relief it is just to know I can feel this way about someone again."
"I'm happy to help," Jensen replies, giving Jared as convincing a smile as he can manage when he's not really sure how he's helping. "Do you want me to stay here until you fall asleep?"
Jared seems to consider it for a while, but then he shakes his head. "I think I should probably do my best not to depend on you more than I already have, Jen. An unrequited crush is one thing, but, uh, I'm not the most emotionally stable person on the planet and I don't see how falling for you doesn't end badly for me."
"Okay," Jensen says, trying to hide his confusion. "But will you cry again when I leave?"
With a huff of laughter, Jared pulls him in again, putting his face on Jensen's shoulder. "I think I'm good now," he says, his voice hardly more than a breath. "Thanks for listening."
Jensen wraps his arm around Jared's back, giving him one last, long squeeze before getting up and heading toward the door.
"Wait, Jensen," Jared calls when he reaches the doorway, and he turns, hoping maybe Jared's changed his mind. He's still no expert on human behavior-hell, he didn't understand half of the things Jared just said to him-but he's pretty sure Jared needs someone close to him. And maybe it's selfish, too. Maybe he just wants to be close to Jared. "Thanks for not letting me make things weird. For still liking me."
He grins, leaning in the doorway. "You're not a hard person to like until you start singing."
On the bed, Jared laughs, the sound light and easy and a huge relief to Jensen after the way his voice had sagged a few minutes ago. "Good night, Jensen."
"Night, Jared," Jensen says, knocking the doorframe on his way out.
_______________________________________________________________
Things are back to normal the next morning. Jared acts like the conversation the night before never happened, but he gives Jensen extra bacon and butters toast for him and it's not until Jensen asks if he's feeling alright that Jared stops himself from giving Jensen two-thirds of the scrambled eggs, too.
He blushes a little then, mumbling out some excuse Jensen doesn't catch and serving himself a more even portion. He goes on a run immediately after breakfast, and Jensen doesn't ask to come. It's pretty clear that Jared needs a little time alone.
Instead, he gets to work, trying to investigate some of the things that had confused him yesterday. He starts with the only research tool on human behavior he has readily available, which is why Jared returns to the house hours later to find Jensen parked in front of his television, enthralled by something called a soap opera.
"Is that Days of Our Lives?" Jared asks, his voice teasing as he drops onto the sofa. He stares at the screen for a few seconds and then makes a horrified face. "Oh my god, it is."
"Shh," Jensen says, waving a hand at him.
"What, do you not know how to use a remote?" Jared reaches for the clicker so he can change the channel, and Jensen turns, pouncing on Jared to stop him.
"We're about to find out who the killer is," Jensen says, pinning Jared to the sofa by his wrists. "You can't just change it."
"You could not be more embarrassing right now," Jared tells him. "I thought only old ladies watched this shit."
Jensen feels a faint blush begin to rise in his cheeks, but he keeps his face serious. He'd been flipping through the channels, trying to find one that could explain some of Jared's behavior the night before, and this had been the first one that showed two people pressing their mouths together, so he'd stopped here.
He knows what it means now, that Jared was trying to kiss him, because he, for some reason, seems to think Jensen would make a suitable mate for him. Jensen is too nervous to even try to reciprocate, sure that he can't really give Jared what he wants, no matter how desperately he might want to. But at least now he understands.
Well, almost. Jensen's research indicates that most of the creatures on this planet need members of both sexes to produce children, with humans being no exception. He and Jared could never reproduce, which would make the act meaningless, except that, judging by the television show he's been watching for the last few hours, humans engage in intercourse all the time, with very little provocation, in all kinds of assorted pairings. He hasn't had a chance to discover why they behave this way. Just because, probably.
Engelons only have the resources to produce offspring for about a fifth of the on-ship population at a time. Only the most qualified members of the collective are even considered for the privilege. Jensen never pretended it was an option for him, but the way Jared's eyes go darker the longer Jensen holds him down is making him want to reconsider.
"Okay, grandma. Okay! You can watch your soap. Just, uh, get off me before I pop a boner and this gets awkward."
Jensen laughs, climbing down with the remote in hand. "Pretty sure it got awkward when you said 'pop a boner,' Jay."
"I'm gonna take a shower before you use up all the hot water," Jared tells him, jumping up from the couch as soon as Jensen relinquishes his grip.
Jensen dismisses him with a hum. Ever since Jensen discovered bathing, Jared has made sure to take the first shower on any given day. Jensen has a habit of sitting in the tub for hours on end, which he would apologize for, except that it's too wonderful for apologies. Jared insists he doesn't mind as long as there's enough hot water for him, so Jensen doesn't use the hot water. He doesn't really give a shit about the temperature when there's a whole tub of water to just sit in.
It works out nicely.
"Let me know when you finish," Jensen calls back.
"Are you sure you can stand to be away from the TV for the four hours it'll take you to scrub your back?"
"I'll take the TV in with me." Jensen inspects a potato chip before popping it into his mouth. "Actually, that's a pretty great idea."
"I'll kill you," Jared promises before disappearing down the hall. As his voice grows more distant, Jensen can just hardly make out, "I'll buy a six pack of beer and make it look like an accident."
He snorts and returns to his show just in time to see Sami go on trial.
An hour and a half later, he's splashing away in the bathtub, completely content and oblivious to the outside world. At least until Jared barges in.
"I'm sorry!" he says, holding up a hand as a screen. He hurries across the bathroom and opens the mirror cabinet, rifling through the contents as he looks for something. "I'm not looking at you, I promise. Sadie ran off and I had to chase her and then I tripped over a rock and cut myself and the first aid kit is in here and I would wait until you're done except I know your ass is gonna be in here for like six-"
By now, Jared has grabbed the kit and turned around, and Jensen can see the blood running down his arm. He leaps up out of the bathtub, not bothering to grab a towel, because he knows a little bit about how to close up human injuries, and he figures Jared could use an extra hand.
Jared's eyes widen comically when he sees Jensen and he drops the box, the plastic making a loud sound as it crashes on to floor and cracks open, spilling the contents all over. Jensen's eyebrows draw together, but before he can offer to pick up the mess, Jared points between his legs, blinking his eyes over and over as if he expects to see something new every time he opens them.
"Your-you have-your dick is a bunch of tentacles. You have a tentacle dick. You have a bunch of tentacles instead of a dick." With obvious effort, he lifts his eyes up to Jensen's. "Jensen! You have tentacles!"
Jensen looks down, frowns, and then shrugs. "Why, where do you keep yours?"
Then Jared's eyes roll back in his head, and he collapses onto the floor before Jensen even gets a chance to catch him.
_______________________________________________________________
Jared comes to about twenty minutes later. By now, Jensen has carried him to bed and dressed his wound and he's covered up the tentacles Jared seemed to find so offensive.
He shifts as he wakes, and Jensen brings a glass of water to Jared's lips, because that's what he would want in Jared's place. Jared accepts it, taking only one sip before sitting up and pushing the water away. "What happened?" he asks.
"You cut yourself, but it wasn't anything serious. Then you passed out."
"Ah, right," Jared rubs his forehead. "Man, I had the craziest hallucination. Must have lost more blood than I realized."
It strikes Jensen that this would be a very convenient excuse. He could agree and try to find out what he got wrong about human anatomy, and maybe go on fooling Jared a little longer.
But, well, Jared trusted Jensen with his own secrets, and maybe it’s only fair that Jensen do the same. Not that he expects Jared to accept him once he knows what Jensen is. Not that he'll blame Jared when he doesn't. But he has the right to know.
"You had tentacle dicks. Five of them. Well, there was one big one and then two smaller ones on each side. And they were, like, kind of pretty? Opalescent with these reddish-brown dots all up and down them like freckles only more, you know, tentacle-y-and then the big one had suction cups. I was tripping balls."
Jensen laughs and brushes Jared's hair back from his face. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he licks his lips, "maybe I hit my head, too, when I tripped? What a thing to imagine, though. It was so goddamn vivid."
"What if you didn't?" Jensen asks. "What if you really saw that?"
"C'mon, man, don't mock me. I'm having a very serious mental collapse. I thought you were a tentacle monster."
He frowns. "Is monster really what you'd call it?"
Jared moves quickly, pulling back so that he's sitting up completely, as close to the headboard as his pillows will allow him. "What are you trying to say, Jen?"
Jensen looks down at his hands. "What you saw was real."
There's a short, bewildered laugh, and then a long silence. "You're serious right now, aren't you?"
"Do you want me to show you them again?"
Jared holds out a hand to stop him. "Wait. Let me process." He takes a deep breath, then looks directly at Jensen. "What you are trying to tell me is that you do, in fact, have five tentacles where your dick should be?"
That one smarts Jensen's pride a little, and he narrows his eyes. "Well, hey now, I don't know about should be. I'm not sure what a dick is, but you humans were already lacking in tentacles when I thought you at least had some hidden under your clothes."
"You humans?" Jared says, his face turning pale. "As opposed to?"
Jensen takes a deep breath. "I'm what you would call an alien."
For a moment, Jared looks like he's going to pass out again. At least he's in bed this time. But he manages to recover, nodding slowly. "Right. Of course. An alien. I guess that makes as much sense as anything when it comes to explaining tentacle appendages popping out of your junk. So, you're from, like, Mars or something?"
"No," Jensen says. "Why would you think Mars? There hasn't been water there for thousands of years."
"It's just what the movies-wait a fucking minute, let's not get derailed here. You're an alien."
"By your standards, yes." Jensen nods. "We call ourselves Engelons."
"Where did you come from? How did you get here? Are there more of you? Are we under attack?" His breathing is speeding up, and Jensen can just imagine the way his heart must be drumming away inside his chest. "You look just like us. Well, except the whole tentacle dick thing. Are you everywhere?"
Jensen laughs, taking a little comfort in the fact that, maybe Jared won't ever want to see him again, but at least he'll have this last, neurotically amusing memory to hold on to. "Slow down there."
"I'll slow down when my entire world view is done being challenged."
"Is it really so strange?" Jensen gives Jared what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "I know many of your kind believe in aliens."
"But you're actually real. And you look just like us. You act just like us." Jared's eyebrows draw together. "I get maybe beaming down on Washington and blowing up the White House, but why would you choose to…hang out on a dead farm?"
"We don't look like you. We certainly don't act like you. And I didn't choose to beam down where I landed. I'm not acting as a part of-Jared, I wasn't lying when I told you my family cast me out."
"You just meant out of a spaceship. They cast you out of a spaceship."
Jensen nods. "It was a little more literal than you took it. They meant for me to die here. They didn’t know I would find water on land."
"The river," Jared says slowly.
"Yes," Jensen says, smiling a bit. "It saved my life."
His expression gets brighter, and then it dims. "So I didn't help you. You weren't trying to kill yourself at all. I've probably sounded like such an idiot this whole time."
"No, Jared." Jensen reaches out to take the human's hands, but Jared pulls back. "I wasn't trying to drown myself, and I would never have died in that river. But you certainly did save my life."
"Why?" Jared asks. "Why are you here? Why me?"
"I just got lucky," Jensen tells him with a smile. "Anyone else would have left me out to rot, I think. You brought me in. You kept me hydrated. You taught me how to be human, at least, as much as I've learned. I confess I'm still not great at it."
"You're getting better," Jared says, laughing and shaking his head. "Oh man, this is too weird." He looks up at Jensen. "But I guess it does explain a few gaping holes in your knowledge."
"You are the only human I've ever met. When I first woke up here, I'd only studied you from my ship. And poorly, I see that now. I thought I understood humans because I had a record of your measurements and body processes, but you're so much more than that."
Jared wrinkles his nose. "Did you do abductions or something?"
Jensen laughs. "I have no idea where humans got that bizarre idea from. Not the Engelons, that's for sure. My brethren would never have wasted the effort to learn about you."
"But you did?"
"They had to put me somewhere. I was…not very good at, well, anything." Jensen only manages to smile out of one side of his mouth. "Jared, I was supposed to be looking for weaknesses. And weaknesses were all I found. But every day I watched humans tramp around on the surface, suffering and loving and I didn’t understand any of it, but I knew that it was beautiful somehow. It was so much more than anyone could have experienced among my kin."
"Engelons not big on hugging?"
Jensen feels his face fall. "Engelons don't feel anything. They don't think of anything but water-that's all they need to survive, so it's all they care about. I never had a friend or a family or even an acquaintance. We didn't have names, so I never knew if I was talking to someone for the first time or for the millionth. It wasn't something I was supposed to know how to wonder about. They look down on creatures like you, Jared. Every attachment you form is a weakness to them."
"You're a Vulcan. I've been rooming with a Vulcan," Jared says with a laugh, holding his hand up in the salute Jensen vaguely remembers from a movie they watched last week. "Live long and prosper?"
"No," Jensen says sharply. "You're not getting it. The Vulcans seem callous to you, right?"
Jared nods. It's a little idiotic, but at least it gives Jensen a model to work with that might get his point across. He's starting to understand the potential benefits of all the fictional stories humans tell each other.
"They suppress emotion, with great effort. Engelons just don't feel it."
"Not anything?"
"Not a damn thing, Jared."
"How does that even-? I can't even imagine it."
Jensen nods. "Yeah. Me neither. But I was always wrong in the head."
Jared frowns. "Then they must be-"
"Monsters," Jensen finishes for him. He looks down at his hands. "And I'm one of them. At least partially."
"If that were the case, you'd still be up there on that ship." Jensen looks up, his eyebrows knitting together, but Jared gives him an encouraging smile. "But I'm thinking it's just the opposite. They rejected you because you're not one of them at all."
"Because I looked like you. Because I acted like you." Jensen lifts his hand. "I woke up one day like this and I couldn't make myself change back."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "You didn't choose to look like this? Because, frankly, you've got the kind of face someone would choose."
"I swear, Jared, I have no control over it. Our minds produce bodies that reflect what we identify with. I'm the first Engelon to have a different form than my kin since before we left our planet, and that was thousands of years ago. And, according to the history books, shifts back on our planet were rare and only ever minor adjustments for practical reasons. What I did-it's unheard of and they hated me for it."
"So what do you usually look like?"
Jensen points to his crotch and gives Jared a wry smile. "Kind of like that, only all over."
"Shiny," Jared says.
He laughs, trying to keep his voice light. "In case you thought the dick thing was repulsive. You should have seen my last form."
"Repulsive? No, Jensen, I just-you took me by surprise is all."
He tries not to let himself look too hopeful. "So you don't hate me?"
"I couldn't hate you for being what you are, Jen."
"And for lying to you? Letting you believe I was human this whole time?"
Jared shakes his head. "I don't blame you. It's not something you can walk right up to most people and say."
"Should I leave?"
"Where would you go?" Jared replies. "I told you, you have a home here as long as you want it, Jensen. The way I see it, nothing's changed."
"I can pay you back now that you know what I am, Jared. I can offer you something that'll make you happy."
Jensen sees Jared's body tense, but he manages to keep his expression neutral. "Oh yeah? What's that."
"I can erase your memories. One touch from my tentacle, and I can take them right out of you. You won't have to hurt anymore."
Jared's expression collapses from hopeful to something in the vicinity of disgust. "What?"
"You can forget about your family," he says. "And you'll never have to cry again."
"They're my family," Jared replies icily. "I love them."
"But they're dead now." Jared winces, but Jensen continues, "All they do now is hurt you."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want to forget about them," Jared says, like he's angry at first, but then his expression changes until he just seems to pity Jensen. "I'm sorry, Jensen. You still don't understand a damned thing about being human."
"I'm trying," Jensen replies, unable to keep the sting out of his voice. "I'm trying so hard."
Jared's lips thin, but he gives Jensen a stilted nod. "Look, I just need a little time to think, okay? This was…a lot to take in."
Jensen's hand lingers on Jared's leg as he stands. "I wish I had a way to prove to you how hard I've been trying."
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