Lord of the Rings: A Dirty Trick
Title: A Dirty Trick
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Characters/Pairings: Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin (kind of slashy Merry/Pippin and Frodo/Sam, but only in an implied “I see it because I want to” kind of way.)
Genre: Humor/Crack
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,980
Author’s Note: Upon being offered a birthday present, monjinator requested “Hobbit Pranks”. Not being much of a pranker myself, I had to do some digging to get the ideas for most of these. Credits go to Billy Boyd in this hilarious interview and to this guy (DON’T CLICK IT, DON’T CLICK IT!). While I started this months ago, I could not find the inspiration to finish it until now, thanks to tamingthemuse prompt 151 - Higgledy-Piggledy (a fine, hobbitey word). I know this is really cracky, guys. But hopefully it is fun enough for you to ignore how much I’m raping Lord of the Rings right now? As usual, Olivia Ordonez is my beta and my soul mate.
Dedication:
Darling Monj,
May this birthday be your finest to date! I adore you to little microscopic pieces. Thank you for being a great slave driver as well as a great friend and for helping push me to write more often and to attempt things I may never have had the balls to try (For example: Insta-Porn. I never thought I would go there.) You are so, so much fun and I am so glad we have joined together and become closer than ever through our mutual desire to see Bee writing porn.
Umm…so this is like a month late (now even more!). AHA! I totally started it before your birthday, though? It’s your fault for being born during Final Season? I’m a lousy friend? WHATEVER, LET THE HOBBIT MAYHEM BEGIN.
Summary: A simple prank goes too far and escalates into a prank war of Epic Proportions.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with any of this, and that’s the plain truth. Why, I was just minding my own business this entire time but it went too far and I couldn’t just let it keep on!
It started regular enough; Mr. Frodo has always liked his pranks and been good at them, too. Merry and Pippin usually spend their days pranking each other, so it’s not so strange that Frodo should get involved every now and then. But this wasn’t no friendly pranking anymore and no mistake! It was getting ugly and dangerous and it was my proper duty to stop it!
Alright, so I had my fun, too. No rule says I can’t do the right thing and enjoy it, is there? Well, I guess I should explain myself.
This whole mess started three weeks ago, after a perfectly regular night of drinking at The Green Dragon. Mr. Frodo had a little more to drink than was usual, and that’s saying a lot. Anyway, he had that look in his eye, the one that he rarely got but which always reminded me that he and Merry were cousins as well as best friends.
We decided Merry should walk him home just as to be sure he was alright, though Merry was no picture of sobriety himself, so I came along, and Pippin, too, just for the sake of it. Well, anyway, Merry and Mr. Frodo went right in before us and Merry said something about helping Mr. Frodo into bed. Pippin and I sat in the kitchen for all of ten minutes before Mr. Frodo came out, looking very proud of himself, still fully dressed and not at all looking ready to sleep.
“Where’s Mr. Merry?” I asked and Mr. Frodo began to laugh hysterically.
Pippin sat up like he’d been hit by lightening, though he’s always been easy to scare when Merry weren’t around.
“Merry! Merry, that’s a funny you should ask…” Frodo slurred. “He’s not so smart that I couldn’t out-hic hic-trick him! AHAHAHA.”
Pippin and I exchanged looks, if it hadn’t been for the fact that our friend was still missing, I suppose it would have been pretty amusing to see my usually-over-composed-for-a-hobbit boss drunker than a…well, drunker than Pippin.
“What’s that knocking, eh?” Pippin asked and, making an effort to hear over Mr. Frodo’s laughter, I heard a banging and a muffled voice. Pippin went to explore, I stayed with poor Mr. Frodo, and soon Pippin was laughing as madly as Mr. Frodo was and I was left wondering what was in the ale that night that I seemed to have missed.
“Come see this, Sam! Oh ho ho, Frodo, you’ve out done yourself. Who would have thought that pudgy cousin of mine would even fit?”
If I were a cleverer hobbit, I suppose I would’ve known from the glint of admiration in his eye how things was going to fall out, but I’m a plain hobbit and don’t go around suspecting my friends!
“Yeah! Yeah, you see? He opened the cupboard to get fresh bed sheets-AND I PUSHED HIM IN AND LOCKED IT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“Alright, Mr. Frodo,” I says, “You’ve had your fun. Now let Mr. Merry out of that there cupboard, yeah?”
Frodo pouted for a moment. “But it’s funny! Pippin thinks it’s funny. Dontcha, Pip?”
Pippin snorted. “As sure as I love pipe weed!” he swore dramatically, putting a hand over his heart. I glared at him so as to remind him whose side he should be on.
“Oh, alright,” he grumbled, grabbing Mr. Frodo’s keys and unlocking the cupboard Merry was locked in.
“Hey, you cheated. There are two of you,” Mr. Frodo observed rather sluggishly. I helped him to bed and Merry and Pippin said goodnight and went their separate ways, laughing, though Merry was a little disgruntled by the whole mess.
The next day, Mr. Merry did as he does best, which is to cause mischief. He sent first me, then Pippin, and I hear he managed to trick three other unsuspecting hobbits into delivering the same rather unimportant message to Mr. Frodo. The trick was that he had us all do it early in the morning, and at regular intervals, so that by noon Mr. Frodo had hardly gotten any proper sleep, and was suffering under a bad enough headache, I should think. I felt so bad about being one of the first to fall for Merry’s trick that I didn’t even say “I told you so!” which only seemed to further irritate Mr. Frodo. And since Merry had been careful as to not telling anyone to do it directly, and Mr. Frodo’s wits being what they would be expected to be after the night he’d had…well, it took nearly all day to finally link the trick back to him.
“This is war,” Mr. Frodo concluded with a bag of cold water propped tenderly on his offending forehead.
I ignored it, mostly, as Mr. Frodo and Mr. Merry’s mischief usually ends after a day or so when Merry’s tricked Mr. Frodo one too many times and the other gives up. But I suppose Merry’s trick had been a little harsher than usual and Frodo wasn’t letting it go so easy as all that.
Now, Mr. Frodo is a sight brighter than most hobbits you’ll meet but there’s no one as can compare with Mr. Merry. He’s the smartest hobbit around and he don’t put it to good use. Nobody has ever come off on top of him in a pranking war, though Pippin knows him well enough that he’s held his own for longer than most. It was a foolish idea to try to match Merry and everyone knew it. You can imagine everyone’s surprise when Frodo was winning it for a solid two weeks.
Frodo’s first bit of revenge was four nights after the first incident when we all went down to The Green Dragon for another night of drinking. It seemed regular enough, until Merry requested we all sing something. Merry’s awful fond of his drinking songs and it’s a point of pride with him. He knows every song in the Shire. Except for the one Frodo thought up himself and taught to the entire pub the night before.
“We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I!” Frodo began and Merry and I just gave him a curious look. Until Pippin chimed in, that is.
“A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy!”
The two of them continued together:
“I just want to tell you how I'm feeling. Got to make you understand…”
And then, as if they’d all known it their entire lives, every hobbit in the pub joined in and carried the song through its drunken chorus and another two verses.
“Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”
That was the general run of it. Now, I’ll admit it was catchy, but Merry and I both for some reason felt as if we’d been had in the most embarrassing way possible. Frodo later confessed he’d bought every hobbit in the pub a round of drinks the night before to get them to agree to help him pull one on Merry. And when I asked why I hadn’t been told, he said it was because I didn’t approve of tricks and would have spoiled the whole thing. Well, it’s true enough that I don’t, but I didn’t like being left out one bit.
Secretly, I was hoping from then on that Merry would think of something really brilliant and end the whole thing. I know I should have been on Frodo’s side but it’s true I didn’t like the mess and there’s no way Merry would ever admit defeat. That became pretty clear as the week went on. Because try as he might, Merry couldn’t catch Frodo.
He laid his best traps, he planned for days-tricks as had never failed to win him a fight before. For nothing. Frodo knew. Somehow, Frodo always knew. And finally, Merry figured it out, though I’d spent much longer thinking over it and the idea had never occurred to me. Frodo had help. Pippin was telling him what Merry was planning and tricking Merry into Frodo’s traps.
Merry felt betrayed and right he was to feel that way. Pippin was his closest friend, his constant companion, an ally he’d always counted on. The idea that Pippin would help Frodo-well it was just too backwards. It made a war out of what should have been a squabble.
There’s one thing as can be said for Merry and that’s that he don’t let nothing shut him down. Frodo may have found a way to get to him, but Merry instantly found a way to reverse the whole mess right back on Mr. Frodo. And in the topsy-turvy that this had all turned into-well what was I supposed to do?
I stayed out of it as long as I could, I did. But Merry came to me, desperate, and begged for my help. And yes, I agreed. You know why? Because I felt pretty betrayed, too. Pippin and Mr. Frodo were spending so much time together, I really felt ignored. And I knew poor Mr. Merry was equally lonely without Pippin. I decided it was as good a time as ever to show Mr. Frodo I was as capable as anyone at pulling off pranks. At his expense, no less.
Nobody suspected nothing as I’m not really clever enough to come up with something so sneaky on my own. But I guess I got a little carried away with how fun it was causing all that trouble, and even Mr. Merry was impressed I took it so far.
See, every year I help Mr. Frodo plan his big birthday party and, by help I mean I do everything and he pays for it. So nobody questioned me, even if it was a little odd, when I started hiring people to help Mr. Frodo with yet another party. After all, Mr. Frodo has always been a little queer to most folks around. Well, Mr. Frodo had no idea what hit him when folks started arriving for his party--the one he didn’t know he was throwing. But there was no hope talking them into leaving-Mr. Frodo’s party is what the Shire waits for all year. Anyway, you can accuse me as much as you like, everyone in the shire had a great time but Mr. Frodo and it did put things back in their proper place. Mr. Frodo couldn’t believe I’d helped Merry. Pippin had taken one look at Mr. Frodo, figured out that he’d had nothing to do with the party and how Merry had pulled it off and he had that same glimmer of respect in his eyes he’d usually had for Merry…the one he had for Frodo ever since the cupboard incident. And Mr. Frodo had to admit he was defeated because Pippin was back at Merry’s side where he belonged and he was out numbered.
Here’s my excuse. I’m a simple hobbit, and I know where I stand and what makes sense. I like order. After three weeks of disorder and chaos, and me and Pippin not knowing where we belonged…well, someone had to set things right. I couldn’t make sense out of what I was doing no more. Besides, you wouldn’t think it was so mean if you’d seen Mr. Frodo’s face when the Sackville Bagginses showed up on his doorstep in full party attire. That was worth whatever mischief I took part in and that’s final.
[4]
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Characters/Pairings: Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin (kind of slashy Merry/Pippin and Frodo/Sam, but only in an implied “I see it because I want to” kind of way.)
Genre: Humor/Crack
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,980
Author’s Note: Upon being offered a birthday present, monjinator requested “Hobbit Pranks”. Not being much of a pranker myself, I had to do some digging to get the ideas for most of these. Credits go to Billy Boyd in this hilarious interview and to this guy (DON’T CLICK IT, DON’T CLICK IT!). While I started this months ago, I could not find the inspiration to finish it until now, thanks to tamingthemuse prompt 151 - Higgledy-Piggledy (a fine, hobbitey word). I know this is really cracky, guys. But hopefully it is fun enough for you to ignore how much I’m raping Lord of the Rings right now? As usual, Olivia Ordonez is my beta and my soul mate.
Dedication:
Darling Monj,
May this birthday be your finest to date! I adore you to little microscopic pieces. Thank you for being a great slave driver as well as a great friend and for helping push me to write more often and to attempt things I may never have had the balls to try (For example: Insta-Porn. I never thought I would go there.) You are so, so much fun and I am so glad we have joined together and become closer than ever through our mutual desire to see Bee writing porn.
Umm…so this is like a month late (now even more!). AHA! I totally started it before your birthday, though? It’s your fault for being born during Final Season? I’m a lousy friend? WHATEVER, LET THE HOBBIT MAYHEM BEGIN.
Summary: A simple prank goes too far and escalates into a prank war of Epic Proportions.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with any of this, and that’s the plain truth. Why, I was just minding my own business this entire time but it went too far and I couldn’t just let it keep on!
It started regular enough; Mr. Frodo has always liked his pranks and been good at them, too. Merry and Pippin usually spend their days pranking each other, so it’s not so strange that Frodo should get involved every now and then. But this wasn’t no friendly pranking anymore and no mistake! It was getting ugly and dangerous and it was my proper duty to stop it!
Alright, so I had my fun, too. No rule says I can’t do the right thing and enjoy it, is there? Well, I guess I should explain myself.
This whole mess started three weeks ago, after a perfectly regular night of drinking at The Green Dragon. Mr. Frodo had a little more to drink than was usual, and that’s saying a lot. Anyway, he had that look in his eye, the one that he rarely got but which always reminded me that he and Merry were cousins as well as best friends.
We decided Merry should walk him home just as to be sure he was alright, though Merry was no picture of sobriety himself, so I came along, and Pippin, too, just for the sake of it. Well, anyway, Merry and Mr. Frodo went right in before us and Merry said something about helping Mr. Frodo into bed. Pippin and I sat in the kitchen for all of ten minutes before Mr. Frodo came out, looking very proud of himself, still fully dressed and not at all looking ready to sleep.
“Where’s Mr. Merry?” I asked and Mr. Frodo began to laugh hysterically.
Pippin sat up like he’d been hit by lightening, though he’s always been easy to scare when Merry weren’t around.
“Merry! Merry, that’s a funny you should ask…” Frodo slurred. “He’s not so smart that I couldn’t out-hic hic-trick him! AHAHAHA.”
Pippin and I exchanged looks, if it hadn’t been for the fact that our friend was still missing, I suppose it would have been pretty amusing to see my usually-over-composed-for-a-hobbit boss drunker than a…well, drunker than Pippin.
“What’s that knocking, eh?” Pippin asked and, making an effort to hear over Mr. Frodo’s laughter, I heard a banging and a muffled voice. Pippin went to explore, I stayed with poor Mr. Frodo, and soon Pippin was laughing as madly as Mr. Frodo was and I was left wondering what was in the ale that night that I seemed to have missed.
“Come see this, Sam! Oh ho ho, Frodo, you’ve out done yourself. Who would have thought that pudgy cousin of mine would even fit?”
If I were a cleverer hobbit, I suppose I would’ve known from the glint of admiration in his eye how things was going to fall out, but I’m a plain hobbit and don’t go around suspecting my friends!
“Yeah! Yeah, you see? He opened the cupboard to get fresh bed sheets-AND I PUSHED HIM IN AND LOCKED IT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“Alright, Mr. Frodo,” I says, “You’ve had your fun. Now let Mr. Merry out of that there cupboard, yeah?”
Frodo pouted for a moment. “But it’s funny! Pippin thinks it’s funny. Dontcha, Pip?”
Pippin snorted. “As sure as I love pipe weed!” he swore dramatically, putting a hand over his heart. I glared at him so as to remind him whose side he should be on.
“Oh, alright,” he grumbled, grabbing Mr. Frodo’s keys and unlocking the cupboard Merry was locked in.
“Hey, you cheated. There are two of you,” Mr. Frodo observed rather sluggishly. I helped him to bed and Merry and Pippin said goodnight and went their separate ways, laughing, though Merry was a little disgruntled by the whole mess.
The next day, Mr. Merry did as he does best, which is to cause mischief. He sent first me, then Pippin, and I hear he managed to trick three other unsuspecting hobbits into delivering the same rather unimportant message to Mr. Frodo. The trick was that he had us all do it early in the morning, and at regular intervals, so that by noon Mr. Frodo had hardly gotten any proper sleep, and was suffering under a bad enough headache, I should think. I felt so bad about being one of the first to fall for Merry’s trick that I didn’t even say “I told you so!” which only seemed to further irritate Mr. Frodo. And since Merry had been careful as to not telling anyone to do it directly, and Mr. Frodo’s wits being what they would be expected to be after the night he’d had…well, it took nearly all day to finally link the trick back to him.
“This is war,” Mr. Frodo concluded with a bag of cold water propped tenderly on his offending forehead.
I ignored it, mostly, as Mr. Frodo and Mr. Merry’s mischief usually ends after a day or so when Merry’s tricked Mr. Frodo one too many times and the other gives up. But I suppose Merry’s trick had been a little harsher than usual and Frodo wasn’t letting it go so easy as all that.
Now, Mr. Frodo is a sight brighter than most hobbits you’ll meet but there’s no one as can compare with Mr. Merry. He’s the smartest hobbit around and he don’t put it to good use. Nobody has ever come off on top of him in a pranking war, though Pippin knows him well enough that he’s held his own for longer than most. It was a foolish idea to try to match Merry and everyone knew it. You can imagine everyone’s surprise when Frodo was winning it for a solid two weeks.
Frodo’s first bit of revenge was four nights after the first incident when we all went down to The Green Dragon for another night of drinking. It seemed regular enough, until Merry requested we all sing something. Merry’s awful fond of his drinking songs and it’s a point of pride with him. He knows every song in the Shire. Except for the one Frodo thought up himself and taught to the entire pub the night before.
“We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I!” Frodo began and Merry and I just gave him a curious look. Until Pippin chimed in, that is.
“A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy!”
The two of them continued together:
“I just want to tell you how I'm feeling. Got to make you understand…”
And then, as if they’d all known it their entire lives, every hobbit in the pub joined in and carried the song through its drunken chorus and another two verses.
“Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!”
That was the general run of it. Now, I’ll admit it was catchy, but Merry and I both for some reason felt as if we’d been had in the most embarrassing way possible. Frodo later confessed he’d bought every hobbit in the pub a round of drinks the night before to get them to agree to help him pull one on Merry. And when I asked why I hadn’t been told, he said it was because I didn’t approve of tricks and would have spoiled the whole thing. Well, it’s true enough that I don’t, but I didn’t like being left out one bit.
Secretly, I was hoping from then on that Merry would think of something really brilliant and end the whole thing. I know I should have been on Frodo’s side but it’s true I didn’t like the mess and there’s no way Merry would ever admit defeat. That became pretty clear as the week went on. Because try as he might, Merry couldn’t catch Frodo.
He laid his best traps, he planned for days-tricks as had never failed to win him a fight before. For nothing. Frodo knew. Somehow, Frodo always knew. And finally, Merry figured it out, though I’d spent much longer thinking over it and the idea had never occurred to me. Frodo had help. Pippin was telling him what Merry was planning and tricking Merry into Frodo’s traps.
Merry felt betrayed and right he was to feel that way. Pippin was his closest friend, his constant companion, an ally he’d always counted on. The idea that Pippin would help Frodo-well it was just too backwards. It made a war out of what should have been a squabble.
There’s one thing as can be said for Merry and that’s that he don’t let nothing shut him down. Frodo may have found a way to get to him, but Merry instantly found a way to reverse the whole mess right back on Mr. Frodo. And in the topsy-turvy that this had all turned into-well what was I supposed to do?
I stayed out of it as long as I could, I did. But Merry came to me, desperate, and begged for my help. And yes, I agreed. You know why? Because I felt pretty betrayed, too. Pippin and Mr. Frodo were spending so much time together, I really felt ignored. And I knew poor Mr. Merry was equally lonely without Pippin. I decided it was as good a time as ever to show Mr. Frodo I was as capable as anyone at pulling off pranks. At his expense, no less.
Nobody suspected nothing as I’m not really clever enough to come up with something so sneaky on my own. But I guess I got a little carried away with how fun it was causing all that trouble, and even Mr. Merry was impressed I took it so far.
See, every year I help Mr. Frodo plan his big birthday party and, by help I mean I do everything and he pays for it. So nobody questioned me, even if it was a little odd, when I started hiring people to help Mr. Frodo with yet another party. After all, Mr. Frodo has always been a little queer to most folks around. Well, Mr. Frodo had no idea what hit him when folks started arriving for his party--the one he didn’t know he was throwing. But there was no hope talking them into leaving-Mr. Frodo’s party is what the Shire waits for all year. Anyway, you can accuse me as much as you like, everyone in the shire had a great time but Mr. Frodo and it did put things back in their proper place. Mr. Frodo couldn’t believe I’d helped Merry. Pippin had taken one look at Mr. Frodo, figured out that he’d had nothing to do with the party and how Merry had pulled it off and he had that same glimmer of respect in his eyes he’d usually had for Merry…the one he had for Frodo ever since the cupboard incident. And Mr. Frodo had to admit he was defeated because Pippin was back at Merry’s side where he belonged and he was out numbered.
Here’s my excuse. I’m a simple hobbit, and I know where I stand and what makes sense. I like order. After three weeks of disorder and chaos, and me and Pippin not knowing where we belonged…well, someone had to set things right. I couldn’t make sense out of what I was doing no more. Besides, you wouldn’t think it was so mean if you’d seen Mr. Frodo’s face when the Sackville Bagginses showed up on his doorstep in full party attire. That was worth whatever mischief I took part in and that’s final.
[4]