(no subject)
When I wrote Those Three roads I was trying to take the guilt I had for having a DUI and breaking someone's heart and put it to good use. It was an interesting experiment. One in which I found reason behind those many nights alone. Sitting up late at night typing away at my keyboard and trying to sort my inner demons out. Hell one of them even became an angel of sorts. A quirky angel at that. I've been thinking a lot about the saying "people don't buy what you do, they buy why you do it" and I think that's why I haven't been able to write recently. I forgot the entire reason why I did it. I wouldn't say being with someone who truly makes me happy takes away my ability to write. It just confused me. It made me wonder if I really could continue writing and be happy. Afterall it was the guilt that drove the last story. What do I have to be passionate about now?
It's simple really. I have Amanda. Now let me go out on a limb and tell you about the night we almost broke up. I was set to end things. Set to divide and conquer but her enormous heart was set to still hold my hand. She talked to me three times throughout that night, telling me, asking me, making sure that I was making the right choice. To be honest I started to ask myself if I really was but I stood my ground and said, "Yes, yes this is right."
Ty came over after Amanda left. I was a broken man. Unsure if I really had made the right choice. We drove to Applebees. I needed a drink. I needed something to forget. To start forgiving myself. I had a rum and coke. I picked at food. I was a wreck. We finished up and headed back. Fred went into the house early while Ty and I stood back in the car. We talked it through one more time. I started to cry. I started to cry and say, "this isn't right, this doesn't feel right" because it honestly didn't.
"I love her." I said.
"I know, I know you do." Ty replied.
"This just isn't right. She loves me so much and I love her. I made a mistake."
That was when I realized how much hope and happiness Amanda brought to my life. How even when I felt like giving up after Just in Time let me go, or while I couldn't find a job, she stuck with me. This is why no matter how many stupid fights we get into, I still love her at the end of the day and she loves me. I may not express it as much but those thoughts are there. Which brings me back to writing. To why I do it. I write to express myself. To transmit feelings. To express to the world the thoughts I cannot express freely. This white screen is where my inner rationale runs rampant across the bright sunny hill sides of cyber space.
This is my first step to, "working on it" as I told you babe. I hope this brings a smile to your face like kissing you every night does for me.
Goodnight, I love you.
It's simple really. I have Amanda. Now let me go out on a limb and tell you about the night we almost broke up. I was set to end things. Set to divide and conquer but her enormous heart was set to still hold my hand. She talked to me three times throughout that night, telling me, asking me, making sure that I was making the right choice. To be honest I started to ask myself if I really was but I stood my ground and said, "Yes, yes this is right."
Ty came over after Amanda left. I was a broken man. Unsure if I really had made the right choice. We drove to Applebees. I needed a drink. I needed something to forget. To start forgiving myself. I had a rum and coke. I picked at food. I was a wreck. We finished up and headed back. Fred went into the house early while Ty and I stood back in the car. We talked it through one more time. I started to cry. I started to cry and say, "this isn't right, this doesn't feel right" because it honestly didn't.
"I love her." I said.
"I know, I know you do." Ty replied.
"This just isn't right. She loves me so much and I love her. I made a mistake."
That was when I realized how much hope and happiness Amanda brought to my life. How even when I felt like giving up after Just in Time let me go, or while I couldn't find a job, she stuck with me. This is why no matter how many stupid fights we get into, I still love her at the end of the day and she loves me. I may not express it as much but those thoughts are there. Which brings me back to writing. To why I do it. I write to express myself. To transmit feelings. To express to the world the thoughts I cannot express freely. This white screen is where my inner rationale runs rampant across the bright sunny hill sides of cyber space.
This is my first step to, "working on it" as I told you babe. I hope this brings a smile to your face like kissing you every night does for me.
Goodnight, I love you.