Here we are again...
In this fucking cycle I keep creating. I finally moved on. Finally found someone worthy of all I had to give emotionally. Someone so pure. And I go and hurt her. Break the poor girl's heart. And for what? The thrill of being able to talk as reckless as I desire? No. Not at all actually. For the opportunity to be myself. Judgement free.
It took me so many years to accept myself and who I really was and then here comes she and makes me feel so ashamed all over again. Back to the self doubt and questioning...am I normal? Is it my history of abuse that has me wanting the things I want. No. Although I cannot say I am healed I can say I have dealt. I have moved on. I want what I want and I refuse to be ashamed. Yet with her I find myself holding back. Censored. And even the little I can't help but show, seems to be too much for her. Is she too good for me? Am I too damaged? Too damaged for someone so pure. So untouched by the things I am used to dealing with. She could never understand girls like me ... Girls like me don't deserve girls like her. Who am I kidding? How long can I play the part? I want to be good enough for her. I want nothing more than to be good enough for her. But what is good enough for her? Do I recreate myself to fit her? For so many years of my life my body was at the mercy of all others but myself ... I speak for her now. I am finally her only voice and now I have found myself in a place where I am hiding her. Tucking her back away to suppress all her dirty little desires. How the fuck am I sexually frustrated all over again, in a relationship?
It's human nature to want to eat my cake. I never got why society was so opposed to eating a piece of cake you already have in possession. So many rules and regulations about HUMAN NATURE. I am as animalistic as they come. I have always been. In every sense of the word. I am passionate about everything. Everything. Some might call it a little obsessive..a little over the top. I can't help it. I want to be devoured. I want to be desired. Neither is happening. Do I compromise? And now I got caught up in my past and ruined my future. If I felt inadequate before for her ...now ....sheesh. I have no one to blame but myself.
After almost 7 years I finally let go...Finally broke it off with H.E.R. Fuck her. Told her I could longer take the back and forth that has been us. Told her I had to cut loose the rope she kept me strung on. She told me she didn't deserve me. I finally realized that myself.
So why did she come slithering back in, months later? Tearing me apart..not emotionally. I no longer want anything to do with her emotionally. My heart has found solace in another. I really do love another. Finally, I love another.
It's my fucking body. The lust. They say lust is love's true voice. Is it? Do I just give up one for the other? Love over Lust? I desire my partner just as much if not MORE than I did her. She is much more deserving of my desire ...but she does not make me feel at all the same desire. It is not her fault at all ...We are so fresh so new, and already I have tainted us. What a shocker. I said I would be the one to fuck up in this relationship, never once did I think it would be like this. I was for sure it would be my slick ass mouth. She makes me feel needy as fuck for attention when I am far from it.
But here we are at this fucking bridge I guided us to. This stupid fucking bridge I want to jump off of. Is sexual satisfaction really that important to be happy in a relationship? Have I been putting too much importance on a little thing? I'd like to think that. It would make it much easier for me to just deal with it but hunger, my longing is too much. I am still masturbating daily, yet my girl has lived here for the past 3 months. Hell of a compromise I am already in.
I just want her to want me as I want her. Although she says it...she has yet to show it. How am I initiating all contact between us...sexual and not? I love her. I love the fuck out of that girl, more than she can ever imagine. My pure angel, and I feel a little selfish for wanting more ...but how can I deny myself of the pleasures I want? I can't.
It took me so many years to accept myself and who I really was and then here comes she and makes me feel so ashamed all over again. Back to the self doubt and questioning...am I normal? Is it my history of abuse that has me wanting the things I want. No. Although I cannot say I am healed I can say I have dealt. I have moved on. I want what I want and I refuse to be ashamed. Yet with her I find myself holding back. Censored. And even the little I can't help but show, seems to be too much for her. Is she too good for me? Am I too damaged? Too damaged for someone so pure. So untouched by the things I am used to dealing with. She could never understand girls like me ... Girls like me don't deserve girls like her. Who am I kidding? How long can I play the part? I want to be good enough for her. I want nothing more than to be good enough for her. But what is good enough for her? Do I recreate myself to fit her? For so many years of my life my body was at the mercy of all others but myself ... I speak for her now. I am finally her only voice and now I have found myself in a place where I am hiding her. Tucking her back away to suppress all her dirty little desires. How the fuck am I sexually frustrated all over again, in a relationship?
It's human nature to want to eat my cake. I never got why society was so opposed to eating a piece of cake you already have in possession. So many rules and regulations about HUMAN NATURE. I am as animalistic as they come. I have always been. In every sense of the word. I am passionate about everything. Everything. Some might call it a little obsessive..a little over the top. I can't help it. I want to be devoured. I want to be desired. Neither is happening. Do I compromise? And now I got caught up in my past and ruined my future. If I felt inadequate before for her ...now ....sheesh. I have no one to blame but myself.
After almost 7 years I finally let go...Finally broke it off with H.E.R. Fuck her. Told her I could longer take the back and forth that has been us. Told her I had to cut loose the rope she kept me strung on. She told me she didn't deserve me. I finally realized that myself.
So why did she come slithering back in, months later? Tearing me apart..not emotionally. I no longer want anything to do with her emotionally. My heart has found solace in another. I really do love another. Finally, I love another.
It's my fucking body. The lust. They say lust is love's true voice. Is it? Do I just give up one for the other? Love over Lust? I desire my partner just as much if not MORE than I did her. She is much more deserving of my desire ...but she does not make me feel at all the same desire. It is not her fault at all ...We are so fresh so new, and already I have tainted us. What a shocker. I said I would be the one to fuck up in this relationship, never once did I think it would be like this. I was for sure it would be my slick ass mouth. She makes me feel needy as fuck for attention when I am far from it.
But here we are at this fucking bridge I guided us to. This stupid fucking bridge I want to jump off of. Is sexual satisfaction really that important to be happy in a relationship? Have I been putting too much importance on a little thing? I'd like to think that. It would make it much easier for me to just deal with it but hunger, my longing is too much. I am still masturbating daily, yet my girl has lived here for the past 3 months. Hell of a compromise I am already in.
I just want her to want me as I want her. Although she says it...she has yet to show it. How am I initiating all contact between us...sexual and not? I love her. I love the fuck out of that girl, more than she can ever imagine. My pure angel, and I feel a little selfish for wanting more ...but how can I deny myself of the pleasures I want? I can't.