Fic: Rambling Man (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Rambling Man
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Bones decides he’s ready to talk
Rating: Adult/R
Word Count: 4905
A/N: #6 in the Two Men & a Starship series. Follows Escape Attempt. Thank you to everyone still reading/commenting! ♥
“What do you mean we’re still circling Scorching Monotony?” Jim frowns at the PADD he’s holding and looks up at Spock. “What part of ‘carnivorous creatures eating the captain’ didn’t Starfleet understand? And why am I just now hearing about this?”
“It is important for scientific research, Captain. There is a need to examine the properties of the planet’s atmosphere as well as the unusual lifeforms that have been discovered,” Spock says simply. “That is the purpose of our mission.”
“You don’t have to remind me about our purpose, Commander,” he says. “However, you do need to explain why you feel it’s necessary to put my crew at risk in order to take samples from a planet that is not of particular interest to Starfleet.”
Spock arches a brow, but Jim can see a slight tensing in his jaw that indicates he might actually be annoyed. It seems like there’s no in-between with Spock. He’s either cool and aloof or he’s trying to strangle Jim. Since neither option is ideal, Jim is doing his best to encourage a balance of the cold and emotional, not that it’s working too well yet. It’s only been two months, though, so there’s still time. Not like he’s going to give up when he knows that Spock probably needs the balance as much for himself as he does to be a successful First Officer. He never asked Old Spock how he managed to get it, but maybe Old Jim helped.
“Starfleet approved my suggestion of further exploration,” Spock points out coolly. “The crew is not any more at risk than they would be in any other situation, Captain. We have discovered certain biological factors which allow some individuals to resist the harmful effects of the atmosphere while on the planet; thus is will be a possible location for settlement in the future for species whose colonists would tolerate the environment.”
“In the future, Commander, you will speak with me before making any suggestions to Starfleet,” he tells Spock firmly. He’s only been out for a few days, but he isn’t about to let Spock think he can go over his head when it comes to endangering his crew. “Yes, I know that I was incapacitated at the time, but this wasn’t an emergency so it could have waited.”
“Understood, Captain.” Spock seems to accept it, but Jim isn’t convinced. While they are working better together and even play chess for fun, there’s still a lot there that needs to develop before they’ll be able to truly call each other friend and mean it. If Old Spock hadn’t shown him the friendship that existed in the other world, Jim would have doubts that it was even possible.
He turns off the PADD and sets it on the table near the empty glass of milk that he had earlier. “Proper precautions are being taken to protect the crew from becoming appetizers for rock-like creatures, I trust,” he says before he looks back at Spock. “I acknowledge that it is important for Starfleet to be aware of safe unoccupied planets in case there is a need for one in the future.” In case there’s another black hole and an entire race has to start all over again goes without saying. Jim’s not stupid, so he’s figured out why Spock is insistent about exploring an alien friendly planet, even if he’s not going to mention it aloud. “I would not automatically refuse a valid suggestion regardless of my injuries on the damn planet in question.”
“The concern for the crew is unwarranted as all proper safety measures have been taken. No humanoid crew members are working planet-side,” Spock informs him. “Our exploration is proving to be successful, Captain.”
“Of course it is.” Jim decides that the subject is closed for now. Spock has finished briefing him, which has helped time pass this afternoon. Bones will be off work soon, and Jim’s looking forward to dinner. He feels a lot better, even after sneaking out earlier, so it’s going to be nice to spend time with Bones again without the sore legs or itching interrupting everything.
Spock sits so straight that Jim wonders if there isn’t a steel rod in his spine. “It is important that you listen to Doctor McCoy,” Spock announces suddenly. His eyebrow is arched, but Jim’s starting to think that maybe it’s a permanent thing because he can’t remember seeing it ever look normal. At least, not when Spock’s dealing with him.
“I do listen to Doctor McCoy,” he says as he wonders where Spock is going with this change of subject.
“I was under the impression that you had failed to heed the doctor’s instructions earlier today. You were sighted walking on several decks, Captain. When I was here yesterday, I distinctly heard the doctor tell you to remain in bed for forty-eight hours.” Spock arches the brow more as he studies Jim. “Has time started working in a manner that I am unaware of? If so, that might explain why you were seen disobeying orders after twenty-four hours.”
Jim rolls his eyes. “I don’t need my First Officer nagging me, Spock. I’ve already got a scolding from Bo-from McCoy, and he’s a lot better at it than you are. I’ll be listening now, and I know I was wrong to wander off before I was released from care. I can admit when I’m wrong. It just happens so rarely that I don’t have much practice at it.” He smirks.
“I believe that you are misinformed regarding the definition of rarely,” Spock says. His lip quirks slightly. “Perhaps you have consulted the incorrect dictionary, which would also possibly explain the various inconsistencies in your behavior that I have witnessed. For example, when you state that caution is necessary yet your actions are not at all appropriate to be described by that term.”
“Is that an attempt at a joke?” Jim asks curiously. “Notice that I say attempt because it isn’t successful enough to earn that title yet. Still, it’s a worthy effort, especially from you.”
“Joking is illogical,” Spock says primly. “It is not behavior in which I indulge.”
“We’ll see about that.” Jim smiles and shifts the pillows behind him. “Now, do you have time for a match?”
“You instructed me yesterday that I should prepare to have time in which, I believe the words were ‘to entertain you’,” Spock tells him as he stands and moves his chair closer to the bed. “I have scheduled adequate time to defeat you at chess, Captain.”
“Maybe I’ll defeat you this time, Commander,” Jim muses. He hasn’t won a match yet, but he’s confident that he’ll win eventually. It’s a good challenge, one that isn’t dangerous or likely to get him injured, so he can enjoy it.
Spock puts a tray with the chess materials on the bed before he sits down, back still so straight that Jim can’t help but wonder if he even knows how to slouch. “Possibly. And perhaps you will look out the window and see a herd of porcine mammals flying around us.”
“That’s another attempt at a joke, Spock,” Jim points out. “Twice in fifteen minutes? Whatever will people say if they find out? They might cancel your membership to the Humorless and Severe Society if you keep this up.”
“That is impossible, Sir.” Spock arches both brows. “I have a lifetime membership,” he says simply before he makes the first move. Jim lets out a bark of laughter before he focuses on the game.
They’re in the middle of their third match, two to zero in favor of Spock, when Jim hears the whoosh of his door. He glances at the chronometer and sees that it’s past time for Bones to be off work. They’ve been playing chess longer than he realized. The sound of Athos yipping happily lets him know that it is Bones, and he smiles as he looks up.
“Sorry I’m late. I got busy working with Christine,” Bones says as he walks around the partition. His slight smile disappears and he tenses visibly as he stops near the entryway.
“It’s alright,” Jim tells him. “Spock’s been beating my ass at chess, so I didn’t even notice the time.”
“Doctor McCoy,” Spock greets.
“Commander,” Bones says gruffly. He looks from Spock to Jim. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then. I was just coming by to check on you, but it’s obvious that you’re feeling better.”
“Bones, don’t go.” Jim frowns as he watches Bones, trying to figure out what the problem is. Maybe he had a bad afternoon at work, which is something that Jim can understand.
“I don’t want to interrupt.” The nerve in Bones’ cheek is twitching, and he’s not looking directly at Jim. “I’ve got stuff to do, Captain.”
“It is important that the captain is examined after the events that transpired earlier this afternoon,” Spock announces as he stands up. “I will send you an update of today’s research later, Captain.”
“Thank you, Commander.” Jim waits until he hears the whoosh of the door close behind Spock before he glares at Bones. “What was that? I know that you don’t like him much, but you were downright rude.”
“My like or dislike of Spock isn’t important,” Bones says tightly. “I can respect him without wanting to sit around having a beer with him.”
“Damn it, Bones. You’re always on me for acting like an immature brat, but you’re pushing it right now,” he points out. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Bones snorts and shakes his head. “Everything’s great.”
Jim gets a pillow from behind him and throws it at Bones. “Stop lying to me, asshole.”
Bones catches the pillow and turns his glare on Jim. “Fine. Everything’s fucked up. That make it better?”
“Yes! At least you’re being honest now.” Jim stares at Bones. “Did you have a bad afternoon at work?”
“Did I...” Bones tilts his head back and stares at the ceiling. “My afternoon was fine. Well, until I got here. I thought we were having dinner, thought maybe you were looking forward to it.”
“We are having dinner, aren’t we? And what do you mean that maybe I was looking forward to it? I have been, Bones.” Jim frowns before his eyes widen. “This isn’t about Spock, is it? I mean, you’re not jealous over him? Because that’s really irrational. Not only would Uhura cut my dick off if I even thought about it, but you’re the only person that I want.”
Bones straightens his head and looks at him. “It’s not about Spock. Not like that. I mean, not just about him.” He cringes slightly and takes a step closer to the bed. “You’ve always got people around now. Why do you need me when they’re stumbling over themselves to be your friends and to be around you?”
“I don’t understand.” Jim watches him. “I need you because you’re my best friend. Because you’re Bones and you kick my ass when I need it and you let me snuggle you without calling me clingy for liking to cuddle.”
Instead of answering, Bones walks to the bed and sits down. His lips are pursed, but he looks stressed and confused. “The other day, you asked me why,” he says quietly. “There are a lot of reasons, I’ve realized, and most of them are pretty fucking stupid.”
“Okay.” Jim doesn’t really want to say too much because Bones is actually talking, without being forced or even asked, and he’s not going to say something that makes it stop.
“It’s always been us, hasn’t it?” Bones runs his fingers through his hair and makes a face. “Co-dependent as hell at the Academy. That’s me and you. Only, it’s not anymore. You’ve got so many other people, but it's like I’m still dependent on you. I realized that after we got here, on this ship, and I noticed how you were making a lot of friends, yet I only really wanted to be around you. Realizing that was a bit of a shock, because I’m independent normally, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that there wasn’t really anyone else in my life if you were busy, so I’ve been trying to fix that, in a way.”
“You have other friends, Bones,” Jim points out. “You and Scotty are closer than he and I are, in fact. Gaila dotes on you, too. You also have Christine and others in medical who fawn over you a hell of a lot more than they fawn over me. You’re not the only who has concerns about being left. I mean, not just me, though I do have them sometimes, but it’s that way for anyone who is in a, uh, whatever this is between us, isn’t it? Even happy ones, there’s gotta be fears and things to worry about to balance all the amazing things that comes with finding that person who helps everything make sense.”
“It’s not...” Bones clears his throat. “It isn’t that I can’t make other friends or that I’m jealous that you’ve got other people in life, not even Spock of the supposed epic friendship thing. I’m not some psychotic isolationist or anything. It just made all this more real. It’s living two lives in a small place with other friends involved and the added complication of work. When it was keeping a secret on campus when hardly anyone was there, it was sort of easy. This, though? It’s not easy. And, yeah, maybe those fears and insecurities are normal, I know I felt them sometimes during my marriage, but see, that, in itself, makes this thing between us more real, too.”
Jim is trying to figure out what Bones is worried about. Is it because they’ve always been sort of co-dependent and now there are other people making places in their lives? Is it because keeping secrets from the crew is a lot of work? He seems to be dwelling on the part about it becoming real, which doesn’t make much sense, but maybe that’s because Jim’s never gone through this before. Bones has, even got married and had a kid, so it could just be something that has to be understood based on experience. “It’s always been real, for me.”
“For me, too.” Bones sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair and looks at Jim. “We’re talking, right? Being honest and shit?”
“Right.” Jim nods. “Honest and talking. We need to, I think, before everything falls apart because we’re too damn stubborn to try.”
Bones reaches out to take Jim’s hand, squeezing it as he looks at him intently. “Seeing you here, on the ship, it made me see how real it is for you. And it scared me. Because I’ve believed you, but we were in our own private world, in a way, so I didn’t know what to expect here.”
“I don’t know what to expect, either.” Jim moves his knuckles over Bones’ jaw, which he notices is now shaven. He tightens his grip on Bones’ hand because it’s just like Bones to bitch about Jim’s whining earlier then go shave to get rid of the itchy beard. He licks his lips and focuses on Bones. “This is all new to me, and I find it scary, too. But I’m not avoiding you or hiding.”
“You’ve changed a lot in the past few months, since everything happened, and I guess it just hit me how much when you really became Captain.” Bones frowns. “No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, it’s hard to put it into words. I don’t even really understand it so how can I explain it to you?”
“You’re trying,” Jim says simply. Bones is saying a lot more than he ever expected to hear; it’s almost like he can’t stop talking now that he’s started. “That’s more important than the right words or making sense.”
Bones leans forward and kisses him lightly. “Maybe it’s that a lot happened all at the same time,” Bones says. “My stress condition, the feelings that that causes in me normally aren’t pretty. It’s frustrating and makes me feel...I don’t know. Less of a man, I guess. And you’re so tactile, and I know that it’s hurting you when I don’t want to be touched or can’t give you what you need. Instead of being angry with me, though, you were trying to understand, trying to help, and I didn’t know how to handle that because I usually deal with it on my own. Jocelyn never tried, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so that’s one reason that I started avoiding you.”
Jim doesn’t say anything. Bones is rambling, words spilling from his lips faster than Jim can even listen, and he doesn’t want to interrupt. He’s paying attention, he’s trying to understand, and he knows that this means more than he really wants to identify because Bones really is trying.
“And you became different when the crew got here. More careful, cautious all the time, not even teasing me when no one was close enough to listen, not trying to kiss me. I’m usually the one who’s guarded, but you’ve been that way since we started the mission.”
Bones is right about that. There seem to be all these walls built up, and Jim can understand that. He’s got his own, after all. There are times when he thinks that some of Bones’ walls are crumbling down, though, and then they just get rebuilt. Some of his are still pretty sturdy, but a lot of them are in various states of disarray.
Bones grips Jim’s chin and stares at him. “I’m not used to you being so professional, and maybe I started to think that you were tired of it, of this thing between us, and wanted out. It was another reason to give you some space, because our friendship is the most important thing, and it was easier to stay away than risk an argument that ruined that. It’d take time now, to become just friends again, and I’d been thinking that I didn’t want to give us up and go back to that unless it was the only option. Just hadn’t decided what to do about it when you got injured.”
“I’m the youngest captain in Starfleet history. It’s important that I do my job well, and I take it seriously. Besides that, you’re brilliant, and I don’t want anyone to think you’re CMO just because you’re my best friend or because we’re fucking,” he says, not able to remain silent when Bones has doubts like that. “I have to earn their respect, and that means growing up and not being a complete ass. And, yeah, I really started to worry that they’d treat you poorly or not give you a chance to show them how amazing you are at your job if they realized just how close we are, not just the sex but all of it. I didn’t want you to be put into an uncomfortable position with the crew because I couldn’t keep my hands to myself, even casually.”
Bones blinks. “That’s why you stopped being normal around me? To protect me from crew gossip? And you didn’t think that you might should tell me so I’d understand why you would tease everyone else but then treat me almost like a stranger? I know I was avoiding you, but you started ignoring me in important ways first.”
“I thought you’d know why.” It’s a weak explanation even if it’s true. “I wasn’t ignoring you, Bones. I was just trying to figure out how to be professional but also best friends without indicating that we’re actually more than friends.” He frowns as he tries to think back to the beginning of the mission, feeling a weight in his stomach as Bones just looks at him. “Fuck. I was ignoring you, wasn’t I?”
“Yeah, you were,” Bones says softly. “For valid reasons, I guess, but I didn’t know your motivation. I just knew that I couldn’t get an erection, that I’ve been overly sensitive about that, and then you start ignoring me. There are people constantly around fawning over you, and you barely paid me any attention if we were in a group. Then, in private, you were so serious and sincere and it got overwhelming because this thing between us isn’t just vague anymore. It’s real and it’s there and I knew that but it got all mixed up with everything else.”
“It is overwhelming,” Jim agrees. He thinks about everything they’ve talked about and squeezes Bones’ hand. “So, basically, we’ve wasted almost two months because we’re stubborn, have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions, and didn’t want to risk being hurt by actually talking about all this?”
“Basically.” Bones smiles wryly. “You summed it up a lot better than I did. I hate all this talking bullshit. I’m not very good at it, as you can tell. I don’t even know what all I just said. The words just wouldn’t stop.”
“I know you do, but you’re better at it than you give yourself credit for. And we’d have figured this out earlier if we’d just spoken up when things got weird, you know?” Jim reaches out to trace Bones’ lips. “I don’t think that we’re co-dependent, not like in a bad way or anything. I think that we just fit together and make our own kind of sense, and we did before things became complicated. We need each other. There’s nothing wrong with that, Bones. It doesn’t make us weak. I’ve figured that out in recent weeks. It takes more strength to try this sort of thing than it does to avoid it.”
“You and your figuring things out,” Bones mutters, but he smiles slightly. “It’s not really fair that you’re pretty and smart.”
“I know.” Jim smiles as he touches Bones’ face. “It’s not really fair that you’re handsome and smart, either. Sometimes I wish I was more of a manly attractive, like you, but the pretty thing works well, so I can’t complain.”
“’m not handsome,” Bones grumbles. “You’ve obviously hit your head too many times.”
Jim shakes his head. “What did I tell you about accepting compliments? Just say ‘thank you, Jim, I know I’m a sexy beast’ and none of this denial stuff.”
“Sexy beast?” Bones snorts. “You’ve definitely been spending too much time with Scotty. You’re picking up some of his vernacular.”
“I think you’re a sexy beast, and I’m captain, so that makes it true,” he declares. He focuses back on their conversation. “Is this going to become habit? You getting freaked out and pushing me away and only coming to your senses when I end up in the hospital? It’s happened twice now since we started this more than friends thing, so I just want to know if I need to expect lots of hospitalization in my future.”
“Very funny, asshole.” Bones rolls his eyes before he ducks his head slightly. “I came to my senses a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t know what to do to try to make things okay between us. Too many doubts and insecurities, damn it, and I didn’t want to be vulnerable if you had changed your mind. I’ve got a bad habit of trying to protect myself before anything even goes wrong; it’s better that way. Working was the best option.”
“Next time, you come to me. I don’t care if you can’t even put it into words, we’ll still try to talk about it in our way before things get fucked up.” Jim moves his fingers into Bones’ hair. “In the spirit of honesty, I have to tell you that, if I hadn’t gotten hurt, I’d have ended up coming to you and nagging you until you finally talked to me. I’m not some passive coward who’s going to let you go without a fight. Even if I’m trying to be mature and understanding about this stuff, I’m not going to consider this over unless we both say it is.”
“Only if you come to me whenever you feel like this,” Bones tells him gruffly. “And I think you’ve been more mature, overall, than I have this time, and, no, I won’t repeat that because you’re arrogant enough as it is.” He frowns as he touches Jim’s cheek. “Talking hasn’t fixed everything, though. I’m still impotent, Jim. I tried…after leaving here earlier, I felt like I might be able to...but I couldn’t. There was nothing, even though I really wanted to.”
“I love having sex with you, Bones, but I’ve missed the kissing and this closeness just as much,” Jim admits, feeling a bit silly for valuing the kissing and touching as much as the physical release. “If you stress yourself out over it, it’ll just take longer to improve. I did read up about it, remember? You need to stop focusing so much on it and it’ll take care of itself when you’re ready. Really ready, not just thinking you are. Like my feeling better but not at a point to walk around yet.”
“I’ve missed it, too.” Bones leans forward and kisses him. “I’ve missed your lips and the way your skin feels beneath my fingertips and the way you taste on my tongue. The sounds you make whenever you let yourself go and just give in to what you’re feeling. It’s not all I’ve missed, though. I’ve missed your annoying teasing and that damn nickname that I’ve got so used to hearing from you, only from you, and I’ve missed my best friend, Jim, who punches me when I’m being an ass and makes me feel like I belong somewhere.”
“You belong somewhere, Bones. With me. Always with me,” he says firmly. “Don’t ever doubt that, even if I’m being a bastard and ignoring you without even realizing it. I need you to keep me grounded and to kick my ass. Best friends, but more, too. This thing--it’s a relationship, and maybe we need to finally accept that even if it’s terrifying.”
Bones looks at him silently, intense and serious, then he kisses Jim again. It’s a passionate kiss, the toe curling kind that Jim just melts into. He tugs on Bones’ hair as the kiss deepens, pulling him down closer as he snuggles back into the pillows. Bones moves his hand down Jim’s body, pushing his shirt up and brushing his thumb over his nipples. Jim whimpers into the kiss as he hardens, hips arching up slightly to try to get some kind of friction.
“I want to see you come,” Bones whispers against his lips. “I can’t--but you can. I want to watch your face. It’s been so damn long. Can I make you come, Jim? Will you let me?”
“Yes,” Jim moans. This is probably unfair when Bones can’t get an erection, but he asked, so Jim thinks it’s okay to accept. It feels too good to not be okay. Bones mouths his neck, licking and sucking as he rubs Jim’s nipple harder. “Please, Bones. Too long. Need you.”
“You’ve got me.” Bones moves his hand down Jim’s chest, tickling that place on his ribs that makes him bite back a giggle that becomes a groan when Bones reaches the elastic of his sweatpants. He pushes the pants down and wraps his fingers around Jim’s cock. “You’re so hard already. Fucking my hand like a desperate little slut.”
“So good,” Jim murmurs, thrusting up into Bones’ fist. Bones keeps drawling obscenities against his throat as he strokes him firmly. No teasing, not tonight. Bones is focused on making him come, and it’s been so long that Jim isn’t going to last. He comes with a gasp, too aroused to be embarrassed that it doesn’t even take a dozen strokes before he’s spilling all over Bones’ hand. When he catches his breath, he reaches for Bones, wanting to touch and make him feel this good.
“You’re so beautiful when you come,” Bones drawls softly, catching his wrist with wet fingers. “Jim, you know that I can’t. It’s enough to watch you, though.” He kisses Jim, stroking the inside of his wrist with his sticky thumb.
How can that be enough? Jim knows how it feels to watch Bones lose control, to watch him come, but he doesn’t know if he could be satisfied with just looking. “Bones.” He doesn’t know what he wants to say, but he feels like he should say something.
“We should get you cleaned up then have some dinner,” Bones says before he licks the mark that he made earlier. He raises his head and looks at Jim. “I’m sorry, for avoiding you and letting my issues get the better of me.”
“It’s okay,” Jim tells him. “We’ll probably both make mistakes as we get used to this, so the important thing is to talk and not let this shit happen again.”
“This,” Bones repeats as he stares at Jim. “Relationship.” The word rolls off his tongue as he drawls it, and Jim licks his lips because hearing Bones say it is a lot different than thinking it or even stammering it himself.
“Yeah,” he says hoarsely. He clears his throat and slowly smiles. “A relationship.”
Bones kisses him again and smiles that crooked smile when he pulls back. “Don’t think this gets you out of eating vegetables for dinner.”
End
#5: Escape Attempt | #7: Beauty Secrets
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Bones decides he’s ready to talk
Rating: Adult/R
Word Count: 4905
A/N: #6 in the Two Men & a Starship series. Follows Escape Attempt. Thank you to everyone still reading/commenting! ♥
“What do you mean we’re still circling Scorching Monotony?” Jim frowns at the PADD he’s holding and looks up at Spock. “What part of ‘carnivorous creatures eating the captain’ didn’t Starfleet understand? And why am I just now hearing about this?”
“It is important for scientific research, Captain. There is a need to examine the properties of the planet’s atmosphere as well as the unusual lifeforms that have been discovered,” Spock says simply. “That is the purpose of our mission.”
“You don’t have to remind me about our purpose, Commander,” he says. “However, you do need to explain why you feel it’s necessary to put my crew at risk in order to take samples from a planet that is not of particular interest to Starfleet.”
Spock arches a brow, but Jim can see a slight tensing in his jaw that indicates he might actually be annoyed. It seems like there’s no in-between with Spock. He’s either cool and aloof or he’s trying to strangle Jim. Since neither option is ideal, Jim is doing his best to encourage a balance of the cold and emotional, not that it’s working too well yet. It’s only been two months, though, so there’s still time. Not like he’s going to give up when he knows that Spock probably needs the balance as much for himself as he does to be a successful First Officer. He never asked Old Spock how he managed to get it, but maybe Old Jim helped.
“Starfleet approved my suggestion of further exploration,” Spock points out coolly. “The crew is not any more at risk than they would be in any other situation, Captain. We have discovered certain biological factors which allow some individuals to resist the harmful effects of the atmosphere while on the planet; thus is will be a possible location for settlement in the future for species whose colonists would tolerate the environment.”
“In the future, Commander, you will speak with me before making any suggestions to Starfleet,” he tells Spock firmly. He’s only been out for a few days, but he isn’t about to let Spock think he can go over his head when it comes to endangering his crew. “Yes, I know that I was incapacitated at the time, but this wasn’t an emergency so it could have waited.”
“Understood, Captain.” Spock seems to accept it, but Jim isn’t convinced. While they are working better together and even play chess for fun, there’s still a lot there that needs to develop before they’ll be able to truly call each other friend and mean it. If Old Spock hadn’t shown him the friendship that existed in the other world, Jim would have doubts that it was even possible.
He turns off the PADD and sets it on the table near the empty glass of milk that he had earlier. “Proper precautions are being taken to protect the crew from becoming appetizers for rock-like creatures, I trust,” he says before he looks back at Spock. “I acknowledge that it is important for Starfleet to be aware of safe unoccupied planets in case there is a need for one in the future.” In case there’s another black hole and an entire race has to start all over again goes without saying. Jim’s not stupid, so he’s figured out why Spock is insistent about exploring an alien friendly planet, even if he’s not going to mention it aloud. “I would not automatically refuse a valid suggestion regardless of my injuries on the damn planet in question.”
“The concern for the crew is unwarranted as all proper safety measures have been taken. No humanoid crew members are working planet-side,” Spock informs him. “Our exploration is proving to be successful, Captain.”
“Of course it is.” Jim decides that the subject is closed for now. Spock has finished briefing him, which has helped time pass this afternoon. Bones will be off work soon, and Jim’s looking forward to dinner. He feels a lot better, even after sneaking out earlier, so it’s going to be nice to spend time with Bones again without the sore legs or itching interrupting everything.
Spock sits so straight that Jim wonders if there isn’t a steel rod in his spine. “It is important that you listen to Doctor McCoy,” Spock announces suddenly. His eyebrow is arched, but Jim’s starting to think that maybe it’s a permanent thing because he can’t remember seeing it ever look normal. At least, not when Spock’s dealing with him.
“I do listen to Doctor McCoy,” he says as he wonders where Spock is going with this change of subject.
“I was under the impression that you had failed to heed the doctor’s instructions earlier today. You were sighted walking on several decks, Captain. When I was here yesterday, I distinctly heard the doctor tell you to remain in bed for forty-eight hours.” Spock arches the brow more as he studies Jim. “Has time started working in a manner that I am unaware of? If so, that might explain why you were seen disobeying orders after twenty-four hours.”
Jim rolls his eyes. “I don’t need my First Officer nagging me, Spock. I’ve already got a scolding from Bo-from McCoy, and he’s a lot better at it than you are. I’ll be listening now, and I know I was wrong to wander off before I was released from care. I can admit when I’m wrong. It just happens so rarely that I don’t have much practice at it.” He smirks.
“I believe that you are misinformed regarding the definition of rarely,” Spock says. His lip quirks slightly. “Perhaps you have consulted the incorrect dictionary, which would also possibly explain the various inconsistencies in your behavior that I have witnessed. For example, when you state that caution is necessary yet your actions are not at all appropriate to be described by that term.”
“Is that an attempt at a joke?” Jim asks curiously. “Notice that I say attempt because it isn’t successful enough to earn that title yet. Still, it’s a worthy effort, especially from you.”
“Joking is illogical,” Spock says primly. “It is not behavior in which I indulge.”
“We’ll see about that.” Jim smiles and shifts the pillows behind him. “Now, do you have time for a match?”
“You instructed me yesterday that I should prepare to have time in which, I believe the words were ‘to entertain you’,” Spock tells him as he stands and moves his chair closer to the bed. “I have scheduled adequate time to defeat you at chess, Captain.”
“Maybe I’ll defeat you this time, Commander,” Jim muses. He hasn’t won a match yet, but he’s confident that he’ll win eventually. It’s a good challenge, one that isn’t dangerous or likely to get him injured, so he can enjoy it.
Spock puts a tray with the chess materials on the bed before he sits down, back still so straight that Jim can’t help but wonder if he even knows how to slouch. “Possibly. And perhaps you will look out the window and see a herd of porcine mammals flying around us.”
“That’s another attempt at a joke, Spock,” Jim points out. “Twice in fifteen minutes? Whatever will people say if they find out? They might cancel your membership to the Humorless and Severe Society if you keep this up.”
“That is impossible, Sir.” Spock arches both brows. “I have a lifetime membership,” he says simply before he makes the first move. Jim lets out a bark of laughter before he focuses on the game.
They’re in the middle of their third match, two to zero in favor of Spock, when Jim hears the whoosh of his door. He glances at the chronometer and sees that it’s past time for Bones to be off work. They’ve been playing chess longer than he realized. The sound of Athos yipping happily lets him know that it is Bones, and he smiles as he looks up.
“Sorry I’m late. I got busy working with Christine,” Bones says as he walks around the partition. His slight smile disappears and he tenses visibly as he stops near the entryway.
“It’s alright,” Jim tells him. “Spock’s been beating my ass at chess, so I didn’t even notice the time.”
“Doctor McCoy,” Spock greets.
“Commander,” Bones says gruffly. He looks from Spock to Jim. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then. I was just coming by to check on you, but it’s obvious that you’re feeling better.”
“Bones, don’t go.” Jim frowns as he watches Bones, trying to figure out what the problem is. Maybe he had a bad afternoon at work, which is something that Jim can understand.
“I don’t want to interrupt.” The nerve in Bones’ cheek is twitching, and he’s not looking directly at Jim. “I’ve got stuff to do, Captain.”
“It is important that the captain is examined after the events that transpired earlier this afternoon,” Spock announces as he stands up. “I will send you an update of today’s research later, Captain.”
“Thank you, Commander.” Jim waits until he hears the whoosh of the door close behind Spock before he glares at Bones. “What was that? I know that you don’t like him much, but you were downright rude.”
“My like or dislike of Spock isn’t important,” Bones says tightly. “I can respect him without wanting to sit around having a beer with him.”
“Damn it, Bones. You’re always on me for acting like an immature brat, but you’re pushing it right now,” he points out. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Bones snorts and shakes his head. “Everything’s great.”
Jim gets a pillow from behind him and throws it at Bones. “Stop lying to me, asshole.”
Bones catches the pillow and turns his glare on Jim. “Fine. Everything’s fucked up. That make it better?”
“Yes! At least you’re being honest now.” Jim stares at Bones. “Did you have a bad afternoon at work?”
“Did I...” Bones tilts his head back and stares at the ceiling. “My afternoon was fine. Well, until I got here. I thought we were having dinner, thought maybe you were looking forward to it.”
“We are having dinner, aren’t we? And what do you mean that maybe I was looking forward to it? I have been, Bones.” Jim frowns before his eyes widen. “This isn’t about Spock, is it? I mean, you’re not jealous over him? Because that’s really irrational. Not only would Uhura cut my dick off if I even thought about it, but you’re the only person that I want.”
Bones straightens his head and looks at him. “It’s not about Spock. Not like that. I mean, not just about him.” He cringes slightly and takes a step closer to the bed. “You’ve always got people around now. Why do you need me when they’re stumbling over themselves to be your friends and to be around you?”
“I don’t understand.” Jim watches him. “I need you because you’re my best friend. Because you’re Bones and you kick my ass when I need it and you let me snuggle you without calling me clingy for liking to cuddle.”
Instead of answering, Bones walks to the bed and sits down. His lips are pursed, but he looks stressed and confused. “The other day, you asked me why,” he says quietly. “There are a lot of reasons, I’ve realized, and most of them are pretty fucking stupid.”
“Okay.” Jim doesn’t really want to say too much because Bones is actually talking, without being forced or even asked, and he’s not going to say something that makes it stop.
“It’s always been us, hasn’t it?” Bones runs his fingers through his hair and makes a face. “Co-dependent as hell at the Academy. That’s me and you. Only, it’s not anymore. You’ve got so many other people, but it's like I’m still dependent on you. I realized that after we got here, on this ship, and I noticed how you were making a lot of friends, yet I only really wanted to be around you. Realizing that was a bit of a shock, because I’m independent normally, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that there wasn’t really anyone else in my life if you were busy, so I’ve been trying to fix that, in a way.”
“You have other friends, Bones,” Jim points out. “You and Scotty are closer than he and I are, in fact. Gaila dotes on you, too. You also have Christine and others in medical who fawn over you a hell of a lot more than they fawn over me. You’re not the only who has concerns about being left. I mean, not just me, though I do have them sometimes, but it’s that way for anyone who is in a, uh, whatever this is between us, isn’t it? Even happy ones, there’s gotta be fears and things to worry about to balance all the amazing things that comes with finding that person who helps everything make sense.”
“It’s not...” Bones clears his throat. “It isn’t that I can’t make other friends or that I’m jealous that you’ve got other people in life, not even Spock of the supposed epic friendship thing. I’m not some psychotic isolationist or anything. It just made all this more real. It’s living two lives in a small place with other friends involved and the added complication of work. When it was keeping a secret on campus when hardly anyone was there, it was sort of easy. This, though? It’s not easy. And, yeah, maybe those fears and insecurities are normal, I know I felt them sometimes during my marriage, but see, that, in itself, makes this thing between us more real, too.”
Jim is trying to figure out what Bones is worried about. Is it because they’ve always been sort of co-dependent and now there are other people making places in their lives? Is it because keeping secrets from the crew is a lot of work? He seems to be dwelling on the part about it becoming real, which doesn’t make much sense, but maybe that’s because Jim’s never gone through this before. Bones has, even got married and had a kid, so it could just be something that has to be understood based on experience. “It’s always been real, for me.”
“For me, too.” Bones sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair and looks at Jim. “We’re talking, right? Being honest and shit?”
“Right.” Jim nods. “Honest and talking. We need to, I think, before everything falls apart because we’re too damn stubborn to try.”
Bones reaches out to take Jim’s hand, squeezing it as he looks at him intently. “Seeing you here, on the ship, it made me see how real it is for you. And it scared me. Because I’ve believed you, but we were in our own private world, in a way, so I didn’t know what to expect here.”
“I don’t know what to expect, either.” Jim moves his knuckles over Bones’ jaw, which he notices is now shaven. He tightens his grip on Bones’ hand because it’s just like Bones to bitch about Jim’s whining earlier then go shave to get rid of the itchy beard. He licks his lips and focuses on Bones. “This is all new to me, and I find it scary, too. But I’m not avoiding you or hiding.”
“You’ve changed a lot in the past few months, since everything happened, and I guess it just hit me how much when you really became Captain.” Bones frowns. “No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, it’s hard to put it into words. I don’t even really understand it so how can I explain it to you?”
“You’re trying,” Jim says simply. Bones is saying a lot more than he ever expected to hear; it’s almost like he can’t stop talking now that he’s started. “That’s more important than the right words or making sense.”
Bones leans forward and kisses him lightly. “Maybe it’s that a lot happened all at the same time,” Bones says. “My stress condition, the feelings that that causes in me normally aren’t pretty. It’s frustrating and makes me feel...I don’t know. Less of a man, I guess. And you’re so tactile, and I know that it’s hurting you when I don’t want to be touched or can’t give you what you need. Instead of being angry with me, though, you were trying to understand, trying to help, and I didn’t know how to handle that because I usually deal with it on my own. Jocelyn never tried, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so that’s one reason that I started avoiding you.”
Jim doesn’t say anything. Bones is rambling, words spilling from his lips faster than Jim can even listen, and he doesn’t want to interrupt. He’s paying attention, he’s trying to understand, and he knows that this means more than he really wants to identify because Bones really is trying.
“And you became different when the crew got here. More careful, cautious all the time, not even teasing me when no one was close enough to listen, not trying to kiss me. I’m usually the one who’s guarded, but you’ve been that way since we started the mission.”
Bones is right about that. There seem to be all these walls built up, and Jim can understand that. He’s got his own, after all. There are times when he thinks that some of Bones’ walls are crumbling down, though, and then they just get rebuilt. Some of his are still pretty sturdy, but a lot of them are in various states of disarray.
Bones grips Jim’s chin and stares at him. “I’m not used to you being so professional, and maybe I started to think that you were tired of it, of this thing between us, and wanted out. It was another reason to give you some space, because our friendship is the most important thing, and it was easier to stay away than risk an argument that ruined that. It’d take time now, to become just friends again, and I’d been thinking that I didn’t want to give us up and go back to that unless it was the only option. Just hadn’t decided what to do about it when you got injured.”
“I’m the youngest captain in Starfleet history. It’s important that I do my job well, and I take it seriously. Besides that, you’re brilliant, and I don’t want anyone to think you’re CMO just because you’re my best friend or because we’re fucking,” he says, not able to remain silent when Bones has doubts like that. “I have to earn their respect, and that means growing up and not being a complete ass. And, yeah, I really started to worry that they’d treat you poorly or not give you a chance to show them how amazing you are at your job if they realized just how close we are, not just the sex but all of it. I didn’t want you to be put into an uncomfortable position with the crew because I couldn’t keep my hands to myself, even casually.”
Bones blinks. “That’s why you stopped being normal around me? To protect me from crew gossip? And you didn’t think that you might should tell me so I’d understand why you would tease everyone else but then treat me almost like a stranger? I know I was avoiding you, but you started ignoring me in important ways first.”
“I thought you’d know why.” It’s a weak explanation even if it’s true. “I wasn’t ignoring you, Bones. I was just trying to figure out how to be professional but also best friends without indicating that we’re actually more than friends.” He frowns as he tries to think back to the beginning of the mission, feeling a weight in his stomach as Bones just looks at him. “Fuck. I was ignoring you, wasn’t I?”
“Yeah, you were,” Bones says softly. “For valid reasons, I guess, but I didn’t know your motivation. I just knew that I couldn’t get an erection, that I’ve been overly sensitive about that, and then you start ignoring me. There are people constantly around fawning over you, and you barely paid me any attention if we were in a group. Then, in private, you were so serious and sincere and it got overwhelming because this thing between us isn’t just vague anymore. It’s real and it’s there and I knew that but it got all mixed up with everything else.”
“It is overwhelming,” Jim agrees. He thinks about everything they’ve talked about and squeezes Bones’ hand. “So, basically, we’ve wasted almost two months because we’re stubborn, have a bad habit of jumping to conclusions, and didn’t want to risk being hurt by actually talking about all this?”
“Basically.” Bones smiles wryly. “You summed it up a lot better than I did. I hate all this talking bullshit. I’m not very good at it, as you can tell. I don’t even know what all I just said. The words just wouldn’t stop.”
“I know you do, but you’re better at it than you give yourself credit for. And we’d have figured this out earlier if we’d just spoken up when things got weird, you know?” Jim reaches out to trace Bones’ lips. “I don’t think that we’re co-dependent, not like in a bad way or anything. I think that we just fit together and make our own kind of sense, and we did before things became complicated. We need each other. There’s nothing wrong with that, Bones. It doesn’t make us weak. I’ve figured that out in recent weeks. It takes more strength to try this sort of thing than it does to avoid it.”
“You and your figuring things out,” Bones mutters, but he smiles slightly. “It’s not really fair that you’re pretty and smart.”
“I know.” Jim smiles as he touches Bones’ face. “It’s not really fair that you’re handsome and smart, either. Sometimes I wish I was more of a manly attractive, like you, but the pretty thing works well, so I can’t complain.”
“’m not handsome,” Bones grumbles. “You’ve obviously hit your head too many times.”
Jim shakes his head. “What did I tell you about accepting compliments? Just say ‘thank you, Jim, I know I’m a sexy beast’ and none of this denial stuff.”
“Sexy beast?” Bones snorts. “You’ve definitely been spending too much time with Scotty. You’re picking up some of his vernacular.”
“I think you’re a sexy beast, and I’m captain, so that makes it true,” he declares. He focuses back on their conversation. “Is this going to become habit? You getting freaked out and pushing me away and only coming to your senses when I end up in the hospital? It’s happened twice now since we started this more than friends thing, so I just want to know if I need to expect lots of hospitalization in my future.”
“Very funny, asshole.” Bones rolls his eyes before he ducks his head slightly. “I came to my senses a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t know what to do to try to make things okay between us. Too many doubts and insecurities, damn it, and I didn’t want to be vulnerable if you had changed your mind. I’ve got a bad habit of trying to protect myself before anything even goes wrong; it’s better that way. Working was the best option.”
“Next time, you come to me. I don’t care if you can’t even put it into words, we’ll still try to talk about it in our way before things get fucked up.” Jim moves his fingers into Bones’ hair. “In the spirit of honesty, I have to tell you that, if I hadn’t gotten hurt, I’d have ended up coming to you and nagging you until you finally talked to me. I’m not some passive coward who’s going to let you go without a fight. Even if I’m trying to be mature and understanding about this stuff, I’m not going to consider this over unless we both say it is.”
“Only if you come to me whenever you feel like this,” Bones tells him gruffly. “And I think you’ve been more mature, overall, than I have this time, and, no, I won’t repeat that because you’re arrogant enough as it is.” He frowns as he touches Jim’s cheek. “Talking hasn’t fixed everything, though. I’m still impotent, Jim. I tried…after leaving here earlier, I felt like I might be able to...but I couldn’t. There was nothing, even though I really wanted to.”
“I love having sex with you, Bones, but I’ve missed the kissing and this closeness just as much,” Jim admits, feeling a bit silly for valuing the kissing and touching as much as the physical release. “If you stress yourself out over it, it’ll just take longer to improve. I did read up about it, remember? You need to stop focusing so much on it and it’ll take care of itself when you’re ready. Really ready, not just thinking you are. Like my feeling better but not at a point to walk around yet.”
“I’ve missed it, too.” Bones leans forward and kisses him. “I’ve missed your lips and the way your skin feels beneath my fingertips and the way you taste on my tongue. The sounds you make whenever you let yourself go and just give in to what you’re feeling. It’s not all I’ve missed, though. I’ve missed your annoying teasing and that damn nickname that I’ve got so used to hearing from you, only from you, and I’ve missed my best friend, Jim, who punches me when I’m being an ass and makes me feel like I belong somewhere.”
“You belong somewhere, Bones. With me. Always with me,” he says firmly. “Don’t ever doubt that, even if I’m being a bastard and ignoring you without even realizing it. I need you to keep me grounded and to kick my ass. Best friends, but more, too. This thing--it’s a relationship, and maybe we need to finally accept that even if it’s terrifying.”
Bones looks at him silently, intense and serious, then he kisses Jim again. It’s a passionate kiss, the toe curling kind that Jim just melts into. He tugs on Bones’ hair as the kiss deepens, pulling him down closer as he snuggles back into the pillows. Bones moves his hand down Jim’s body, pushing his shirt up and brushing his thumb over his nipples. Jim whimpers into the kiss as he hardens, hips arching up slightly to try to get some kind of friction.
“I want to see you come,” Bones whispers against his lips. “I can’t--but you can. I want to watch your face. It’s been so damn long. Can I make you come, Jim? Will you let me?”
“Yes,” Jim moans. This is probably unfair when Bones can’t get an erection, but he asked, so Jim thinks it’s okay to accept. It feels too good to not be okay. Bones mouths his neck, licking and sucking as he rubs Jim’s nipple harder. “Please, Bones. Too long. Need you.”
“You’ve got me.” Bones moves his hand down Jim’s chest, tickling that place on his ribs that makes him bite back a giggle that becomes a groan when Bones reaches the elastic of his sweatpants. He pushes the pants down and wraps his fingers around Jim’s cock. “You’re so hard already. Fucking my hand like a desperate little slut.”
“So good,” Jim murmurs, thrusting up into Bones’ fist. Bones keeps drawling obscenities against his throat as he strokes him firmly. No teasing, not tonight. Bones is focused on making him come, and it’s been so long that Jim isn’t going to last. He comes with a gasp, too aroused to be embarrassed that it doesn’t even take a dozen strokes before he’s spilling all over Bones’ hand. When he catches his breath, he reaches for Bones, wanting to touch and make him feel this good.
“You’re so beautiful when you come,” Bones drawls softly, catching his wrist with wet fingers. “Jim, you know that I can’t. It’s enough to watch you, though.” He kisses Jim, stroking the inside of his wrist with his sticky thumb.
How can that be enough? Jim knows how it feels to watch Bones lose control, to watch him come, but he doesn’t know if he could be satisfied with just looking. “Bones.” He doesn’t know what he wants to say, but he feels like he should say something.
“We should get you cleaned up then have some dinner,” Bones says before he licks the mark that he made earlier. He raises his head and looks at Jim. “I’m sorry, for avoiding you and letting my issues get the better of me.”
“It’s okay,” Jim tells him. “We’ll probably both make mistakes as we get used to this, so the important thing is to talk and not let this shit happen again.”
“This,” Bones repeats as he stares at Jim. “Relationship.” The word rolls off his tongue as he drawls it, and Jim licks his lips because hearing Bones say it is a lot different than thinking it or even stammering it himself.
“Yeah,” he says hoarsely. He clears his throat and slowly smiles. “A relationship.”
Bones kisses him again and smiles that crooked smile when he pulls back. “Don’t think this gets you out of eating vegetables for dinner.”
End
#5: Escape Attempt | #7: Beauty Secrets