RPS FIC: Keepsake (3/3) J2 Ever After
Part One // Part Two
They get to the cabin at dusk. It looks small, all of a sudden, to Jared. Nobody's said anything; they just stand in silence out front.
Jared tugs on his earlobe. "I wasn't sure if you'd need a place. Thought I'd fix it up. So it'd be here, if you did."
Jensen nods. He puts a hand low on Jared's back. "Thank you."
"Big job," Roy says. He pushes open the door, disappears inside.
Conner snorts. His expression's an epic tale of skepticism. He stops at the threshold, unshoulders the bags and heaves them through the door before following them.
Jared watches the white lights go on inside the house. Windows shining bright into the coming dark. There's a strong wind off the lake, setting the trees to rattling. Jared's hair caught up in it.
"You get my messages?" Jensen asks. He leans back against the side of the house, right next to a window, splashed by the faint light.
"Yeah." Jared looks down at his feet, puts the heels together at a 90 degree angle. "Why's it just the three of you?"
Jensen shrugs. "Rocky and Leon hadn't come back from their veg-hunts yet. And Clark drew the short straw so he's man on board."
"Veg-hunts?" Jared smirks.
Jensen squares his shoulders. "Yeah, makes 'em sound manlier."
Jared laughs. "Makes it sound like you're going after carrots with teeth."
Jensen flips him the bird. He runs his tongue over his teeth. "It's weird now, yeah? With other people here. Got used to it being you and me."
Jared takes a breath. "Jensen." He touches his toe to Jensen's boot. "I want to be honest here."
Jensen whistles, short and sinking.
Jared holds Jensen's gaze. "I can be loyal to you. I already am. And I want to know everything about you, you know?" He touches Jensen's mouth briefly. "The way you taste. How you put every scar you got on your body. Everything." He hears a hum in his ears, takes a long slow breath until it dies down. "But the emotion map they installed in me, it's pretty shallow. I can't--. I don't feel things, Jensen. Not like you do. I just run the right processes. And." He tries to smile. "I want good for you. I want you to have a good life."
Jensen's looking down, rubbing a spot off his suit. "Can you learn?"
The earth should stop, Jared thinks. For these kind of moments. "I don't know."
Jensen walks away and Jared stares out toward the lake. Black and heaving.
Jensen stops in the doorway. "Which room's ours?" he asks, head bowed.
****
The room's empty when Jared starts up, submerged in the light pouring through the east-facing window. Sun spun up, above the horizon. It's late. He frowns. It's really late. He gets up, pushes out the door, and down the boxed-in hallway. He hears Jensen in the common room before he sees him.
Jensen's setting up computer screen after screen on the squared-off log of a table Jared had made. Sawdust eddies around him. It’s enough to crowd out the air, the dust from wooden walls and dirt floors turning the room hazy, like they've been sunk down to a bottom. Jensen sneezes.
"Bless you."
Jensen looks over his shoulder. "Mornin'." He shapes a screen, curving it at the ends, then stands it up. He grimaces at the table. "Got three splinters already." A wry smile flits over his face.
Jared goes over, takes his hand. He presses his lips to the pad of Jensen's thumb, sucks the sliver of wood out with a slow, concentrated inhale. He spits it onto the ground. "How long did I sleep?"
Jensen's blood pulses quick under Jared's lips. "I don't know. Um." Jensen takes a deep breath. "Nine hours?"
Jared works the two splinters in Jensen's index finger out with his teeth, gentle as he can. Jensen winces. "Hm."
"What?"
"Nothing, that's just a long time." Jared's never been in standby that long before. He presses his thumb over Jensen's fingers, wipes the purpling away. "You're good." He lets go.
"Thanks." Jensen busies himself, fingers moving efficiently over lights, linking screen to screen in a kind of choreography. He's flushed.
Jared sits on an empty corner of the table. "Does it hurt? he asks, after a while.
"The splinters?" Jensen shakes his head no. "Never gotten one before?"
"My skin is closely woven. And synthetic fibers are tough stuff," Jared says. "I was made to last. Hardy as hell." He grunts, flexes a bicep. "I impress you, I know."
Jensen doesn't smile, doesn't look up. "Hey," he says. "You should head out, give Roy a hand. He could use someone who knows the lay of the land."
"Oh." Jared gets to his feet. There are a few things he could have said wrong, he thinks. He's almost out the door when Jensen's hand closes around his upper arm, turns him around.
Jensen presses his lips to the corner of Jared's mouth. His smile's small and sheepish. "Have a nice day, honey,” he says, doing this sing-song.
****
They keep busy. Jared spends a lot of time as a guide. Roy's looking for arable land that'll require minimal intervention to turn into crop fields. He examines the landfills, weeding out what's useful, what's not, marveling at their staying power. "We gotta do better," he says. "This time around." He collects samples of every type of flora in the forest and Jared puts a name to what he knows, which is less than he’d thought.
Jensen's mapping out the topography with Conner, marking down rivers and lakes, forests and deserts. He spends whole days flying and comes home exhausted. Roy figured out that they were staying in the same room early on, and must've come to some conclusion. He eyes Jared when Jensen comes home, lets him twist in the wind for a few minutes before letting him go for the night.
It's the time they have. Jensen strips down and falls into the air mattress they'd thrown on top of the box frame Jared had made. Jared lies down next to him, even though the bed is too small to be comfortable. Jensen usually passes out fast, sometimes in the middle of a sentence. He sprawls across Jared, and Jared takes comfort in knowing he gives off a kind of body heat, excess energy. He delays stand by for as long as he can so that he can breathe: a steady rise and fall of his chest under Jensen's head.
****
Roy asks him, one day, about the continent lying across the ocean. "Worse condition? Old reports said that they had a dozen more flare-ups. Pretty bad."
Jensen's not quite paying attention, head back, tracking a bird.
It's been a long time since Jared's been to the place Roy's asking him about. He goes back in his memory. He finds a blank spot. "Ah."
Roy chews at the end of a piece of grass, waiting.
"Let me get back to you," Jared says.
Roy raises an eyebrow.
Jensen looks at Jared, one side of his mouth pulling up in amusement. "What is it? Is it more fucking sand? Shit." He leans in, whispering loudly, "You sparing my feelings? Awful sweet."
Jared licks his lips. He feels surprise at an amplified level. More explosive, like he'd been touched, quick, by the ends of a jumper cable. It's all he can do to string words together. "No. We just have a lot on our hands here, without taking on unnecessary concerns." Jared runs a scan, searching for the lost data. The hole’s grown.
Roy bobs his head. "Sense in that." He points with his chin. "Think I hear running water." He eats up the distance in measured paces.
Jensen hangs back. "What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," Jared says.
Jensen's lips flatten, his brows knit together. Jared picks up speed, but doesn't try to shake Jensen's gaze. He just feels it, there, sitting on his back.
His emotives are getting stronger, Jared thinks. It's too early to say it's at the cost of other processes, of his memory. At the moment, Jared tells himself, there is still the possibility of coincidence. He concentrates on slowing his circulation.
****
Jensen is surprisingly hopeless with directions. "For someone who takes such pride in their masculinity," Jared says, "that must be a blow. You made the map."
"Saucy," Jensen says, chewing on a hangnail. His nostrils flare.
Roy ends up having to send both of them out to take samples of the wild corn Jared knows is growing up north.
"We need to get back by nightfall," Jensen says. "The quickest way's a straight line. It's like you're not a robot at all."
Jared glares. He clenches his jaw. "I know it's a straight line, I just--"
"So you're gonna run over the bay?" Jensen clips.
"Fine." Jared is not afraid of heights. He has less than sufficient data about the myriad scenarios that might arise, strictly because he's been, so far, bound to the ground. It's a matter of uncertainty.
They fly there in relative silence, Jared clinging to Jensen's back. Jared points out landmarks, or advises a course correction and Jensen grunts. It's not tense, exactly. Just the fine edge of it. Like it's been for a while, now.
On the way back, Jared forces himself into a relaxed state, loosening his joints, settling into a more comfortable position. His cock settles against Jensen's ass, and while Jensen's flying is smooth enough, it's--a lot of stimulation. Jared coughs, tries to put his erection somewhere innocuous. It would help if Jensen was distracted, Jared thinks, so he says, "It's a little like riding a horse. The knees and thighs."
Jensen jets forward. At the speed they reach, communication is almost impossible. Jared leans forward, lips brushing Jensen's ear as he shouts, "Slow do--"
Jensen jerks without warning, and Jared slips. It's stupid. He falls, but they're over water and close enough to it that Jared tucks into a dive and splits the surface without a splash. He hears the hissing roar of air bubbles and then Jensen muted, screaming his name. He stays under, two minutes maybe, looking up until Jensen's directly above him, then kicks up out of the water, grabs the guy's ankle and pulls.
Jensen takes a short, sharp breath before plunging under. He comes up, helmet popping up to the surface ahead of him. Jared laughs. Jensen socks him, hard, in the arm. He shoves at Jared's chest. "You're a fucking asshole. You scared the shit out of me."
"You dropped me."
"On accident." Jensen's angry. Really angry.
Jared feels a flush of immediate remorse. "Hey." He swims close, wraps his arm around Jensen's waist underwater. "I'm sorry."
"Fuck." Jensen treads water. "Fuck.” He gives his head a hard shake. “It's fine. It was my fault. I panicked." He closes his eyes, takes a shuddering breath. His lips are white from the cold, lashes dark from wet.
Jared feels desire blow through him, seethe at the pit of his stomach. He kisses Jensen, a slow, warming press of mouths, holding himself in place, hands on Jensen's waist, kicking steadily.
Jensen opens his eyes when Jared pulls away. He smiles. "You kissed me," he says. His hair is plastered to his forehead and he's shivering. His lips are red.
****
They get back at night. Jared's mostly dry, except for where he'd been pressed up against the back of Jensen's damp suit. It's still and clear, the moon a tacked-up light. Jensen strips, scattering pieces of his flight suit along the path down to the lake, until he's nothing but a glove and bare skin moving, shoulders slumped with exhaustion. He trudges, bleary-eyed.
Jared walks next to him in silence. Ocean water evaporating off Jensen’s skin, and Jared wipes away the brush of minerals and salt, grayish white, on Jensen's shoulder. Jensen hums at the touch, slumps over onto Jared, making him bear his full weight as they walk. Jared drifts further and further to one side, and Jensen tilts, angling closer and closer to the ground. "I'm gonna fall," Jensen says.
Jared laughs, pushes Jensen into an upright position. Comes up behind him, knees to his knees, hands wrapped around his wrists. Marches him down to the lake like a marionette.
Jensen grins, calls out quietly, "Lefty right, layo, lefty right-a left right--"
Affection wells up, deep and true. A strong and present emotion. He presses his mouth to the back of Jensen's head, smells brine. He scans his memory. It's not unexpected, really, to finds years gone.
They'd sunk a hollowed out stump into the shallows. Jared wades out, reaches down and hikes the lip above the lapping surface of the lake.
Jensen aims his lone glove. "Hey-o." He shoots, setting the water steaming with a percussive blast, splash-back going gaseous in a hiss. He grips the edge of the tub and launches into it feet first, easy and athletic. He's a picture: head back and eyes closed, gloved hand dangling off the side of the stump. "Think I got a splinter in my ass." His frown’s more of a leer.
Jared snorts. He feels the heat seeping from the tub, warming the cold lake water around his ankles. He rests his foot on Jensen's bent knee. "I should probably tell you something."
Jensen groans. "More confessions? Got a lot of secrets for a robot."
Jared chuckles.
"So tell me already."
"I'm forgetting things."
Jensen opens his eyes. He reaches up, grips Jared's wrist and pulls him down into a sitting position.
"Wait, don't--don't worry. I should've started better." He laughs. "I'm feeling things. Emotions. I'm--Jensen, I'm learning."
Jensen swallows, Adam's apple bobbing. "Yeah? What--" He stops. "I mean--." He clears his throat. "Yeah?"
Jared can't stop smiling. "Yeah. My systems are more adaptive than I'd thought, but--" He shrugs, tone clinical: "I have a static number of nanocytes. In order to build the connections, I need more, so the data in my memory is getting broken down. Redirected. It's not a big deal."
Jensen's quiet. His face flickering with tiny muscle movements, unsure where to settle. Thoughtful.
Jared nudges him. "Hey. Come on. I've got centuries worth of things I don't mind forgetting." He holds Jensen's hand. "I'm happy. I'm really fucking happy."
Jensen's forehead smoothes out, and he grins, huge. He squeezes Jared's hand, brings it to his mouth and kisses the back of it, warm and easy.
****
Roy's barely a presence in some ways. He's passionate about his work, spends hours parsing data and drawing up plans. Devoted to this promised land.
Conner's nothing but presence. He's a good kid. He challenges Jared to a push-up contest, and Jared assumes he's looking for a triumph, so he gives up after eighty, feigning fatigue. Conner collapses, chest to the floor, then rolls over onto one side, groaning, "No, man, that's bullshit. You can go forever, right? I know you can."
Jared smiles. "I could go for a long time, sure."
Conner sits on his back. "What about now?"
Jared heaves up, pushes, triceps and pectorals deploying.
Conner laughs. He jumps to his feet on Jared's back, the tread of his boots digging in. "Now?"
Jared dips down, then up.
"Un-fucking-real." Conner whistles.
Jared lowers himself, chest pressed to the floor. His elbows are bent at his sides. He flexes his back, waits for Conner to get off.
****
Jensen falls asleep early one night, and Jared takes the time to catalogue changes. He has stubble growing in at a density of 1.8 hairs per square millimeter. The shadow of a tan. It's calming, somehow, to see Jensen change. To know that Jensen has been here long enough for Jared to see him change.
There's a stillness that hasn't been there for a long time.
****
Jensen shakes him awake the next morning. "Up! At 'em! Lazy ass."
Jared pushes Jensen’s hand away, swings his legs over the side of the bed. He's fuzzy. It's getting worrisome.
"What's with you?" Jensen pats Jared's cheek. "Starting to slow down on me."
Jared puts a grin on his face. "Running smooth as butter."
Jensen smiles, goes to rummage through his pack, then throws a scrap of fabric at Jared.
"What's this?"
Jensen waves at the general vicinity of Jared's waist. "Time to wrap it up, friend." He pulls on his suit. "Roy’s gonna put out the call to the ship in a few days. Might as well get used to some clothing."
"Sad day." Jared pulls the red trunks up and over.
"That it is." Jensen's voice is muffled by fabric, until he pulls it down over his head. He takes a good look at Jared. "Fuck. You looked less naked before."
"Don't ogle me, man."
Jensen just chuckles, locks an arm around Jared's neck and presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek.
There's a knock at the door. "Jen! Get the fuck up, Roy's making me wait for your ass and I'm bored as shit."
Jared shakes his head in disapproval, wiping Jensen's kiss off his cheek. "Know where that kid got his potty mouth."
Jensen smirks. "Fuck off." He opens the door. "Morning sunshine."
Conner pats Jensen's cheek. "Lookin' old, brother." He looks over Jensen's shoulder. "Hey Jared. You guys sharing a room? Where'd you sleep?" He cranes his neck, searching the room.
Jensen's grin is all teeth. "Only one bed, Con. You really are a virgin." He grabs his helmet off the bed and strides out of the room, reaching back to swat Conner's ass.
Conner eyes Jared. He opens his mouth, on the verge of saying something, but bites it back. Slaps a smile across his face. "So this is pretty uncomfortable? And I know enough about Jensen's, uh, preferences for the red shorts to really be bumming me out. So I'm--" He points a thumb over his shoulder, backs out. "Good talkin'." He bolts.
Jared decides to laugh, so he does that for a while.
****
Things are strange. They'd been good for such a short time. Conner's avoiding him, and Jensen's simmering, blood pressure taut, with a smile on his face. Roy's the only peace of mind Jared can find, but even their work slows down, anxiety chipping away at Jared's stores of information.
Jared tries not to think about it--all of it--until he can't. He finishes rolling out the solar panel mats on the roof with time to spare, and when he walks back into the cabin, Conner's shouting, "What the fuck, Jensen, how long are you gonna fucking give me the goddamn silent treatment? It's such a bitch move."
"Don't curse at me, Conner." Jensen's voice is a shimmering quiet.
Jared turns to go.
"Fuck you, Jen. All I said was that I didn't know he was that kind of robot. I don't care how you get your rocks off but don't act like it's for real--"
Jared takes off, a quick jog. Once around the lake, Jared thinks. To keep the joints smooth and flexing.
****
When he gets back, Conner's sitting on their bed. Jensen's out.
"Roy said you were up on the roof. With your super hearing and all--" Conner rolls his eyes, shrugs. "I'm supposed to apologize."
"Kind of pointless," Jared says.
Conner's head comes up. He nods. "Roy made Jensen take a walk."
"He'll cool down." Jared makes himself slouch a little, curving his spine.
Conner's quiet.
Jared can hear Roy outside the window, the blink and hum of whatever device he's carrying around. He's hovering.
"It's not you," Conner says. "It's not about you. You're fine. Whatever, you're cool. Jensen's being a fucking girl, acting like I'm the fucking worst person on the station because of this shit." He's tearing up.
Jared sits next to him, unclenches his fists over his knees. He pretends not to see Conner wiping away tears. For Conner's sake. "So, point of context: People used to have pets. Um. Animals as companions. Anyway, when I was with my family, the first two years I got a monthly visit from this doctor. He wasn't really a doctor, just a tech they sent over. He'd look me over, basic stuff, and then go talk to my parents for a little while. I'd hang out with my sister. With me so far?"
Conner sighs. "Yeah." He edges away from Jared, knee bouncing.
"So once, late into it, she went with them, and there was nothing for me to do.” Jared shrugs. “I went to the door and listened in. Not the best move. My mom was asking if it wasn't possible I could love her, that I acted like I did. And the doctor said no. That it's the same as it might be with a dog. That a dog's love is a loyalty born from training. You give a dog food long enough and it picks up on what you like. Showers a kind of affection on you. And he explained that my case was similar. That my love was an act brought on by programming."
Conner looks at his hands. "Harsh."
"My sister flipped. She got so angry." Jared shakes his head. "But it was true, you know? I can act out love. The commitment, the intimacy are actions that I can take. I can make choices, to learn more about Jensen, to make sure he knows I'm staying for the long haul. The 'doing' of love I can give him." Jared feels dimmed. "But it's not enough, yeah?"
Conner stares at him. "I don't know."
"It doesn't feel whole to you." Jared forces the words out. "Me either. He's missing out on something because he's with me." A smile flickers across his face, small and sad. "I'm trying, you know? I think I could learn, the rest of it. I hope so."
Conner raises a hand. He hesitates, then lowers it; makes an incremental shift closer to Jared.
Jared catches Conner's eye. "All I'm saying is. Don't read too much into it. He's not really angry at you. You're not really angry about this either."
Conner rubs one eye with the heel of his hand. He kicks out a foot. "It's just. It's like he thinks this is all we deserve. That clones can't find real love, so he's off with you."
Jared shrugs. "It's real on his side."
"I guess." He looks away. "I guess I'm sorry, too." Sincere in his lack of certainty.
Jared nods.
Conner gets up, slowly. He stands there for a little while. "Everyone says I'm gonna grow up to be just like him, you know?" He wavers, like he's not sure he has permission to leave.
Jared grins, waves him out into the sun, into the day shining too bright for doubt, for sadness.
There's a tap at the open window. Roy's standing outside, a scanner in one hand, a bunch of dried plants in the other. "You're making things too complicated."
"Roy." Jared cocks his head. "The eavesdropping needs a little work. I'm pretty sure going unnoticed is a part of the equation."
"Smartass.” Roy sniffs. “Look, you're missing out on the feeling, right? The rush and need. That's serotonins. Pheromones and nerve growth factor. The biological drive. As much programmed into us as anything is you."
"It's passion," Jared says. He presses down on the bridge of his nose. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
"It's icing. Sure, a cake without icing's missing something." Roy studies a screen. "It's still cake."
"You're oversimplifying."
Roy looks up, stares Jared in the eye. "So meet me in the middle."
****
Jensen comes back with the night. He's windblown, his farmer's tan stark. Jared can see the white of his skin where the collar of his suit’s dipped. Jared's still sitting on the bed. He hasn't moved.
"Are you gonna be mad about this? Or are you gonna do your whole fucking stupid 'I'm a robot' thing?"
"Jensen."
Jensen shakes his head. His eyes are plaintive. "Jared."
"He's sorry, alright?" Jared feels a wrench of anger. "Don't get your panties in a twist."
"Fuck you, man. Don't excuse that shit. You fucking--" He jerks.
Jared hushes him. "Don't let Conner hear you, man."
"Fuck Conner."
Jared puts his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. He's tired. "Be honest with yourself--"
Jensen snorts.
"--Are you mad because he said something wrong--"
"Yes--"
"--Or because he reminded you of something you don't want to think about?"
Jensen goes still, clenches his jaw. Then relaxes it, deliberate. He shakes his head. "Don't do that. Don't bait me, man."
"Fuck." Jared slaps the mattress, hard.
Jensen scrubs a hand through his hair. He sits next to Jared, lets out a long breath. "You shouldn't have to hear that kind of shit." Jensen's voice is steady, kept low. "Conner knows better. He fucking knows what it's like to be treated like you're less because of something you are. He's out of line." He clenches his fists. "It's not right."
Jared's angry. He doesn't know at what. It's a pressure compelling him. He turns toward Jensen, dips his head and finds Jensen's mouth. Kisses him. "I'll make it right."
He hefts Jensen up and over him, then settles them both back on the bed, Jensen straddling him. Takes Jensen's mouth again.
"I'm getting there, you know?" Words against the slick smooth of Jensen's lips. "I'm gonna want you." He grips Jensen's hips, tight, feels them flex in his grasp. "I'm going to love you, and fucking hurt when you're not around--" He bites at Jensen's lower lip. "Just the sight of you--" he breathes.
Jensen forces a noise from his throat, this side of a groan, his cock throbbing. "Stop. Jared, just--stop talking."
His fingers dig too hard into Jared's shoulders. He shoves him, deeper into the bed, then plants his hands on either side of Jared's head. Staring him down. The full weight of him, bearing down.
He bucks forward. "Alright? Okay?"
Jared reaches up, cups the back of Jensen's neck and pulls him down, kisses him deep. He takes Jensen's hand in his, traces both their fingers down the front of Jensen's suit, a tandem action.
****
Jared watches Jensen come. Pleasure, desire, need. Putting a name to the flood through his own circuits.
Jensen collapses onto him, hair dark with sweat, panting. "Goddamn." He pulls out, rolls over onto his back, still half on top of Jared. His eyes close.
Jared shifts, frowning a little at the ache. He turns his head to the side, the tip of his nose touching Jensen's cheek. A longing stepping through every empty space, his body a close and airless warmth.
"What was your sister's name?" Jensen asks.
"Megan. Why?"
"Always wondered." Jensen stretches. "How old was she?"
Jared thinks. "Twenty four," he makes up.
****
Jared dreams in flashcards. Jensen's ship in the storm. The blast of his weapon. You aren't parts. Skipping through every one of Jensen's smiles; the kiss. Images, where Jensen is tall and strong and brown-haired and green-eyed.
He's saving them away. Dreaming to keep them above a rising tide. Safe. Dry.
****
Jared starts up late. The room is grayed with cooling light. Jensen is sitting at his feet, cross-legged. He's in his suit, charging up a ball of energy in one hand, and tossing it into the other. Back and forth, hypnotic. His face is drawn.
"Afternoon," Jensen says. "Wanna tell me what's going on?"
"I lied to you."
"Slick. Mm," He pulls a face, rephrases. "Tricky."
"I'm redirecting a lot of my power usage into the expansion of my emotional capabilities. It's--" He pushes himself up into a sitting position. "The consequences are more severe than I'd projected."
"How severe?" Jensen's tone is casual.
"85% of my memory has been depleted."
Jensen laughs. "Fuck. You're a fucking asshole."
"It sounds worse than it is. I have a lot of memories of walking around in a--a goddamn forest or something, alright?"
Jensen shakes his head, a disbelieving smile on his face. "What else?"
"I need longer periods of rest. Just some time to go away and recharge. That's all." He leans forward, presses his face into Jensen's shoulder. "Don't worry."
"You slept for fifteen hours. I can't not fucking worry, you fucking prick." He cups the back of Jared's head, fingers buried in Jared's hair.
Jared sighs, hands on Jensen's knees, tugging him closer.
"Stop, okay? Just. Stop all of it. I don't fucking care, Jared." His lips are at Jared's temple. "Just. Stay with me. I'm happy with you. You, here."
Jared's tired. He's still tired. He's torn. Shaking, a little, everywhere Jensen isn't holding him down. "Okay."
Jensen's relieved, but Jared knows it's a hollow promise. He's too close to fulfilling the objective. There is no cancel, no uninstall. He'll hope for the best, and dream barricading dreams.
****
The tech was tall and well-built. No glasses. Early on, Megan had sat in on all of Jared's check-ups, always in a skirt, or tight jeans. Jared gave her a hard time about it.
The tech injected a syringe full of nanocytes, blue through the translucent plastic, into Jared's arm. He'd tutted. "You shouldn't require so many of these." He looked over at Megan. "You spending every waking minute with this thing? Give him a break every once in a while. He’s not just any old toy."
Megan’s eyes had flashed, and she’d tugged her skirt down, lower over her legs. "Jared's fine. And to clear things up? We're not paying you to be a jackass."
The tech laughed. "You don't like me. That's fine. But you're going to be seeing a lot of me if you keep him attaching at the rate he is. And a lot of my expensive toys." He taps the glass of the syringe, at the fine, skimmed layer of blue.
"Uh oh, doc," Jared had said. "Pokin' bears."
****
Jared wakes up. He's been stealing naps, when Jensen is out. He's lying on his side and staring at the wall. Fingering a knot in one of the logs. He doesn't remember why he didn't pick another tree. Something without the imperfection. He doesn't remember building this place.
The worst thing about fear, Jared thinks, is that you're always running just out of reach of whatever’s chasing you. His systems hum at full power, ready to act, a prickling under his skin.
Jared stumbles outside, out the cabin. Roy's the first person he finds.
"I was looking for you," Roy says.
"Hey," Jared says. "The starliner's autopilot. What's that run on?" He licks his lips. "I'm curious." He tries to keep his speech unhurried.
"Don't know. Little blue things?" Roy shrugs. "It's a closed system, self repairs. Doesn't require a lot of maintenance."
"Good." Jared nods. "Yeah. Good. But I bet they have ‘em, somewhere. Back-ups."
Roy raises his eyebrows. “Sure. I’d bet on it.”
Jared smiles, systems surging down in relief. "Why'd you want me?"
"Along the same lines. Need someone to run out and check the signal beacon. Ship could be in today, tomorrow."
"Sure, I can do that."
Roy turns an eye on the sky. "I'd get going, soon. Looks like rain." He shakes his head, smiling. "Rain. Can't get over it."
Jared laughs. "Where's it at?"
"Under the madrone. Thanks, Jared." Roy touches two fingers to his forehead, heads back to the cabin. “Good man.”
Jared turns in place, searching the horizon. He's--he's not sure, which way to go.
****
Jared still has the card Jensen had given him. He makes a message, just in case the worst case scenario plays out. The odds are even. He would hate for Jensen to waste time trying pointless remedies. This way, the first thing they try will be the best, most effective attempt. And after that, everybody can move on. Jensen can move on, if he has to.
The most practical course of action is to ask Conner to go with him to the beacon. Jensen's presence correlates to a higher degree of emotional activity, and that's not the best of ideas, now. As it is, it's building at a destructive speed. Still, he can't convince himself.
He'd been without Jensen for a long time. And with what's happening--He can't convince himself.
Jensen's at the lake. Conner had set a patrol disc on route, over the side of a cliff until it hovered above the water. The two of them are taking turns riding out, then shifting their weight onto the edge until it tips them over.
Jared shouts up, "Roy wants us to check out the signal. Says the liner's due."
Jensen's got both hands gripping tight on the patrol disc, fighting to keep his seat. "Yeah?" He grins. "That's great! You gonna recognize it?" His arms twitch and flex.
"Why would you recognize it?" asks Conner.
"I saw it, day of launch," Jared says. He remembers. It's coming back, he realizes. He’s going to see it come back. He's glad.
"You look like you're a hundred miles away," Jensen says, calling for Jared's attention.
Jared smiles. Jensen beams, loses his balance, manages a salute in midair before the unavoidable splash.
****
They make a day of it. The forest is thick and overrun. Branches crawl up into the air at great height, woven tight, sewing the sky up into dimmed patches. A dense, whispering green. This is the earth, Jared thinks. Nature unimpeded and not of me. He feels a tight little frisson of fear down his back at the sight of it, for the first time.
Jensen pushes his way in. Every footstep kicks up the sweet smell of decay in the undergrowth. He looks over his shoulder at Jared. "You're quiet."
"Sorry."
Jensen shakes the apology away. "This was a good idea, walking. Like old times."
Jared smiles. Doesn't so much as tense, when he realizes those memories are ragged. It's okay, he tells himself. It's okay. He clears his throat. "I'm sorry. For being so caught up in--" He shrugs, waves his hand, a gesture encompassing the situation. "I know I scared you."
"Yeah. I've been thinking about it a lot." Jensen comes to a stop, panting, a little. His hands on his hips. "Turning it around in my head." He cocks his head. "Why'd you stay with me? Was it just because I was the first guy who landed here? What if it was Rocky?"
Jared pulls a face. "A bald guy?"
Jensen laughs. "You know what I mean. Was it because I was first?"
"Maybe in the beginning. I was lonely." Jared thinks hard, systems whirring. "But. I could have left. I might have if you were someone different, one of those nights you were inside your tent." He fidgets on his feet. "But there was a lot to learn about you. And every day there was a reason to stay. Something I wanted to ask you, or see you do again. And every day, the choice was easy. To stay."
Jensen's eyes are searching. Greener than the forest. "Jared. I love you. I'm not missing anything."
Jensen kisses him there in the dark, quiet noises from every shadow, leaves rustling. They could be speaking, Jared thinks. Words in a language I've forgotten. His eyes burn. Let me fade quietly, he thinks. So Jensen doesn't get scared. Let me come back.
****
Jared concentrates with every step, clinging to the data in his memory. Regret sweeping over him in waves, regular and unceasing. They're at the edge of the forest when he hears the rumbling. Then the weight of a fissure of pressurized air, shimmering down. It bursts through the clouds, too fast: the starliner. It's going to be a hard landing. It's worn and patched, but familiar. Jared blinks.
The starliner.
Jensen stands next to him. He's staring up, squinting into the sun. "Can you fucking believe it?" His voice is hushed. "Back home already. Finally. Who knew?"
Jared feels a heat burn in his stomach. Every system flipping off, head down to toe, before roaring back in. He breathes, deep. In the instant before the ship touches down, Jared catalogs the things he knows: that Jensen has twenty four freckles on the bridge of his nose, that the ship that took his sister away is home, that it carries men and women and children who will grow up on earth, and sky, and ocean. That the temperature is 59 degrees which is 15 Celsius which is 288 Kelvin. That he is meant for a purpose and enough.
He touches Jensen's face. Kisses his mouth. "I love you," he says. It's the one thing he knows. The one thing.
****
Things are not black. Things just are not. Standby drops into shut down.
And after a very long time: an influx, blue-white sparking at the edges of his optics.
He wakes up in an unfamiliar room. He's on his back, hands palm down at his sides. His eyes flick over the ceiling, practicing, then move down the walls. There's a man standing at the window, looking out.
Jared clears his throat.
The man turns, raises an eyebrow. He sighs. "You know who I am?"
Jared licks his lips. "Roy."
Roy eyes him, shaking his head. His smile comes up slow and unpracticed. He looks back out the window, shouts, "Leon!" and flashes a thumbs-up.
"Where's Jensen?" Jared asks. He tries to sit up, but his limbs are slow to respond, lagging.
"You think he needs to be here if you wake up and don't remember shit? Kicked the kid's ass out days ago." Roy puts his elbows up on the sill, stares out at the view. "He'll get here soon."
"Thanks."
Jared waits. He runs a diagnostic, feels his processes spin their wheels. It's bright day.
"Look at that, friend." Roy's eyes are narrowed, gaze sharp, cutting around the landscape through the window: trees and sky and lake.
Jared can see pieces of them. Their looming presence.
Roy clears his throat. "The starliner landed about a week ago."
"Yeah? A week." Jared adjusts for time lost. "How's it--" He clears his throat, testing his vocalization. "Is everybody ok? How’re they settling in? The ship was coming in pretty fast."
Roy smiles. “Everything’s fine. People are-making their choices.” He holds up a silver card between two fingers. “Found this.
“Good. Good.”
Roy nods. He flips it between his knuckles, sends it twisting, flashing. “You know what this is really for?”
“Record log.” He drags up the memory, finds it patched together and whole. “Jensen told me.”
“Sure, we use it for that.” Roy pulls at two corners, stretches the card until it’s large and catching the sun. It hovers. “But everyone gets one of these. Like a keepsake.” An image of the Earth comes up, blue and green and white, spinning amidst black. “A reminder that we’d had a home.” Videos flash by: high school proms and farmer’s markets. Cities lit up. “Something to keep close to your heart and stir you.”
It fades.
“And now we’re back. And everything’s run wild. Only our messes are still here.” The sun is a hard light slanting across Roy’s smile. “We have to put our house in order. Dig our hands down deep into the ground. And we have to do it right.” He stares back out the window. “It’s a task.”
Jared tests his knees, his elbows. They whir with precision. He sits up.
Roy cracks his knuckles. “We’re all settling in. Finding a balance, yeah? Between the things that move us and the things we move.”
Jared stands. He hears footsteps.
Jensen barrels in. He’s sharp at the edges. Dark smudges under his red eyes. He takes Jared in.
Roy steps out, quietly.
Jared waits.
“You shouldn’t be up,” Jensen says. His voice is calm, untroubled. “Lie down. You need to fucking chill the fuck out.”
“Okay.” Jared backs up, sits on the bed. Swings his legs up and lies down. He puts one arm behind his head, to get a better look at Jensen.
Jensen sits in a chair across the room. He crosses his arms, head leaned back against the wall. His eyes close.
“What’re you doing?”
Jensen doesn’t answer.
Jared can’t help but smile. “What? You’re not talking to me now? We’re doing the silent treatment thing?”
Jensen sinks lower into his chair, looking for a comfortable position.
“Jensen.”
Jensen holds up a hand. “Shut the fuck up, Jared. You hear me? I’m fucking exhausted as shit. I will fucking come down on you like the fist of an angry god.”
Jared rolls his eyes. “Jensen, come on. I’m sorr-”
Jensen pushes up, heads for the door.
“Where the hell are you going?” Jared sits up. “Jensen.” A plea.
Jensen freezes. He turns, climbs into bed next to Jared, shoves him down onto his back. He closes his eyes. He lets out a long, shaking breath. “I didn’t so much as fucking whimper, asshole.”
“Okay.” Jared touches Jensen. A hand through his hair. A press down his back. Until the rhythm of his breathing slows. Until he’s sleeping. “I’ll stay with you,” Jared says. “I’ll keep close.”
****
[“-So you know, give me 20,000 a day for five days, and after that. Well, after that it’s probably time to stop.”
Jared smiles, huge and bright. “I don’t know how this is going to turn out. Um. There are several different possible outcomes, and you know. There’s only one that’s ideal, right? Comin’ back, memories restored, all my settings advanced, where I left them. Running better than ever.”
He runs a hand through his hair. Chews on his lower lip.
“But just in case-“
He smiles, lit from the inside. Eyes clear.
“I fucking love you.” His voice scraped raw with emotion.]
THE END
They get to the cabin at dusk. It looks small, all of a sudden, to Jared. Nobody's said anything; they just stand in silence out front.
Jared tugs on his earlobe. "I wasn't sure if you'd need a place. Thought I'd fix it up. So it'd be here, if you did."
Jensen nods. He puts a hand low on Jared's back. "Thank you."
"Big job," Roy says. He pushes open the door, disappears inside.
Conner snorts. His expression's an epic tale of skepticism. He stops at the threshold, unshoulders the bags and heaves them through the door before following them.
Jared watches the white lights go on inside the house. Windows shining bright into the coming dark. There's a strong wind off the lake, setting the trees to rattling. Jared's hair caught up in it.
"You get my messages?" Jensen asks. He leans back against the side of the house, right next to a window, splashed by the faint light.
"Yeah." Jared looks down at his feet, puts the heels together at a 90 degree angle. "Why's it just the three of you?"
Jensen shrugs. "Rocky and Leon hadn't come back from their veg-hunts yet. And Clark drew the short straw so he's man on board."
"Veg-hunts?" Jared smirks.
Jensen squares his shoulders. "Yeah, makes 'em sound manlier."
Jared laughs. "Makes it sound like you're going after carrots with teeth."
Jensen flips him the bird. He runs his tongue over his teeth. "It's weird now, yeah? With other people here. Got used to it being you and me."
Jared takes a breath. "Jensen." He touches his toe to Jensen's boot. "I want to be honest here."
Jensen whistles, short and sinking.
Jared holds Jensen's gaze. "I can be loyal to you. I already am. And I want to know everything about you, you know?" He touches Jensen's mouth briefly. "The way you taste. How you put every scar you got on your body. Everything." He hears a hum in his ears, takes a long slow breath until it dies down. "But the emotion map they installed in me, it's pretty shallow. I can't--. I don't feel things, Jensen. Not like you do. I just run the right processes. And." He tries to smile. "I want good for you. I want you to have a good life."
Jensen's looking down, rubbing a spot off his suit. "Can you learn?"
The earth should stop, Jared thinks. For these kind of moments. "I don't know."
Jensen walks away and Jared stares out toward the lake. Black and heaving.
Jensen stops in the doorway. "Which room's ours?" he asks, head bowed.
****
The room's empty when Jared starts up, submerged in the light pouring through the east-facing window. Sun spun up, above the horizon. It's late. He frowns. It's really late. He gets up, pushes out the door, and down the boxed-in hallway. He hears Jensen in the common room before he sees him.
Jensen's setting up computer screen after screen on the squared-off log of a table Jared had made. Sawdust eddies around him. It’s enough to crowd out the air, the dust from wooden walls and dirt floors turning the room hazy, like they've been sunk down to a bottom. Jensen sneezes.
"Bless you."
Jensen looks over his shoulder. "Mornin'." He shapes a screen, curving it at the ends, then stands it up. He grimaces at the table. "Got three splinters already." A wry smile flits over his face.
Jared goes over, takes his hand. He presses his lips to the pad of Jensen's thumb, sucks the sliver of wood out with a slow, concentrated inhale. He spits it onto the ground. "How long did I sleep?"
Jensen's blood pulses quick under Jared's lips. "I don't know. Um." Jensen takes a deep breath. "Nine hours?"
Jared works the two splinters in Jensen's index finger out with his teeth, gentle as he can. Jensen winces. "Hm."
"What?"
"Nothing, that's just a long time." Jared's never been in standby that long before. He presses his thumb over Jensen's fingers, wipes the purpling away. "You're good." He lets go.
"Thanks." Jensen busies himself, fingers moving efficiently over lights, linking screen to screen in a kind of choreography. He's flushed.
Jared sits on an empty corner of the table. "Does it hurt? he asks, after a while.
"The splinters?" Jensen shakes his head no. "Never gotten one before?"
"My skin is closely woven. And synthetic fibers are tough stuff," Jared says. "I was made to last. Hardy as hell." He grunts, flexes a bicep. "I impress you, I know."
Jensen doesn't smile, doesn't look up. "Hey," he says. "You should head out, give Roy a hand. He could use someone who knows the lay of the land."
"Oh." Jared gets to his feet. There are a few things he could have said wrong, he thinks. He's almost out the door when Jensen's hand closes around his upper arm, turns him around.
Jensen presses his lips to the corner of Jared's mouth. His smile's small and sheepish. "Have a nice day, honey,” he says, doing this sing-song.
****
They keep busy. Jared spends a lot of time as a guide. Roy's looking for arable land that'll require minimal intervention to turn into crop fields. He examines the landfills, weeding out what's useful, what's not, marveling at their staying power. "We gotta do better," he says. "This time around." He collects samples of every type of flora in the forest and Jared puts a name to what he knows, which is less than he’d thought.
Jensen's mapping out the topography with Conner, marking down rivers and lakes, forests and deserts. He spends whole days flying and comes home exhausted. Roy figured out that they were staying in the same room early on, and must've come to some conclusion. He eyes Jared when Jensen comes home, lets him twist in the wind for a few minutes before letting him go for the night.
It's the time they have. Jensen strips down and falls into the air mattress they'd thrown on top of the box frame Jared had made. Jared lies down next to him, even though the bed is too small to be comfortable. Jensen usually passes out fast, sometimes in the middle of a sentence. He sprawls across Jared, and Jared takes comfort in knowing he gives off a kind of body heat, excess energy. He delays stand by for as long as he can so that he can breathe: a steady rise and fall of his chest under Jensen's head.
****
Roy asks him, one day, about the continent lying across the ocean. "Worse condition? Old reports said that they had a dozen more flare-ups. Pretty bad."
Jensen's not quite paying attention, head back, tracking a bird.
It's been a long time since Jared's been to the place Roy's asking him about. He goes back in his memory. He finds a blank spot. "Ah."
Roy chews at the end of a piece of grass, waiting.
"Let me get back to you," Jared says.
Roy raises an eyebrow.
Jensen looks at Jared, one side of his mouth pulling up in amusement. "What is it? Is it more fucking sand? Shit." He leans in, whispering loudly, "You sparing my feelings? Awful sweet."
Jared licks his lips. He feels surprise at an amplified level. More explosive, like he'd been touched, quick, by the ends of a jumper cable. It's all he can do to string words together. "No. We just have a lot on our hands here, without taking on unnecessary concerns." Jared runs a scan, searching for the lost data. The hole’s grown.
Roy bobs his head. "Sense in that." He points with his chin. "Think I hear running water." He eats up the distance in measured paces.
Jensen hangs back. "What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," Jared says.
Jensen's lips flatten, his brows knit together. Jared picks up speed, but doesn't try to shake Jensen's gaze. He just feels it, there, sitting on his back.
His emotives are getting stronger, Jared thinks. It's too early to say it's at the cost of other processes, of his memory. At the moment, Jared tells himself, there is still the possibility of coincidence. He concentrates on slowing his circulation.
****
Jensen is surprisingly hopeless with directions. "For someone who takes such pride in their masculinity," Jared says, "that must be a blow. You made the map."
"Saucy," Jensen says, chewing on a hangnail. His nostrils flare.
Roy ends up having to send both of them out to take samples of the wild corn Jared knows is growing up north.
"We need to get back by nightfall," Jensen says. "The quickest way's a straight line. It's like you're not a robot at all."
Jared glares. He clenches his jaw. "I know it's a straight line, I just--"
"So you're gonna run over the bay?" Jensen clips.
"Fine." Jared is not afraid of heights. He has less than sufficient data about the myriad scenarios that might arise, strictly because he's been, so far, bound to the ground. It's a matter of uncertainty.
They fly there in relative silence, Jared clinging to Jensen's back. Jared points out landmarks, or advises a course correction and Jensen grunts. It's not tense, exactly. Just the fine edge of it. Like it's been for a while, now.
On the way back, Jared forces himself into a relaxed state, loosening his joints, settling into a more comfortable position. His cock settles against Jensen's ass, and while Jensen's flying is smooth enough, it's--a lot of stimulation. Jared coughs, tries to put his erection somewhere innocuous. It would help if Jensen was distracted, Jared thinks, so he says, "It's a little like riding a horse. The knees and thighs."
Jensen jets forward. At the speed they reach, communication is almost impossible. Jared leans forward, lips brushing Jensen's ear as he shouts, "Slow do--"
Jensen jerks without warning, and Jared slips. It's stupid. He falls, but they're over water and close enough to it that Jared tucks into a dive and splits the surface without a splash. He hears the hissing roar of air bubbles and then Jensen muted, screaming his name. He stays under, two minutes maybe, looking up until Jensen's directly above him, then kicks up out of the water, grabs the guy's ankle and pulls.
Jensen takes a short, sharp breath before plunging under. He comes up, helmet popping up to the surface ahead of him. Jared laughs. Jensen socks him, hard, in the arm. He shoves at Jared's chest. "You're a fucking asshole. You scared the shit out of me."
"You dropped me."
"On accident." Jensen's angry. Really angry.
Jared feels a flush of immediate remorse. "Hey." He swims close, wraps his arm around Jensen's waist underwater. "I'm sorry."
"Fuck." Jensen treads water. "Fuck.” He gives his head a hard shake. “It's fine. It was my fault. I panicked." He closes his eyes, takes a shuddering breath. His lips are white from the cold, lashes dark from wet.
Jared feels desire blow through him, seethe at the pit of his stomach. He kisses Jensen, a slow, warming press of mouths, holding himself in place, hands on Jensen's waist, kicking steadily.
Jensen opens his eyes when Jared pulls away. He smiles. "You kissed me," he says. His hair is plastered to his forehead and he's shivering. His lips are red.
****
They get back at night. Jared's mostly dry, except for where he'd been pressed up against the back of Jensen's damp suit. It's still and clear, the moon a tacked-up light. Jensen strips, scattering pieces of his flight suit along the path down to the lake, until he's nothing but a glove and bare skin moving, shoulders slumped with exhaustion. He trudges, bleary-eyed.
Jared walks next to him in silence. Ocean water evaporating off Jensen’s skin, and Jared wipes away the brush of minerals and salt, grayish white, on Jensen's shoulder. Jensen hums at the touch, slumps over onto Jared, making him bear his full weight as they walk. Jared drifts further and further to one side, and Jensen tilts, angling closer and closer to the ground. "I'm gonna fall," Jensen says.
Jared laughs, pushes Jensen into an upright position. Comes up behind him, knees to his knees, hands wrapped around his wrists. Marches him down to the lake like a marionette.
Jensen grins, calls out quietly, "Lefty right, layo, lefty right-a left right--"
Affection wells up, deep and true. A strong and present emotion. He presses his mouth to the back of Jensen's head, smells brine. He scans his memory. It's not unexpected, really, to finds years gone.
They'd sunk a hollowed out stump into the shallows. Jared wades out, reaches down and hikes the lip above the lapping surface of the lake.
Jensen aims his lone glove. "Hey-o." He shoots, setting the water steaming with a percussive blast, splash-back going gaseous in a hiss. He grips the edge of the tub and launches into it feet first, easy and athletic. He's a picture: head back and eyes closed, gloved hand dangling off the side of the stump. "Think I got a splinter in my ass." His frown’s more of a leer.
Jared snorts. He feels the heat seeping from the tub, warming the cold lake water around his ankles. He rests his foot on Jensen's bent knee. "I should probably tell you something."
Jensen groans. "More confessions? Got a lot of secrets for a robot."
Jared chuckles.
"So tell me already."
"I'm forgetting things."
Jensen opens his eyes. He reaches up, grips Jared's wrist and pulls him down into a sitting position.
"Wait, don't--don't worry. I should've started better." He laughs. "I'm feeling things. Emotions. I'm--Jensen, I'm learning."
Jensen swallows, Adam's apple bobbing. "Yeah? What--" He stops. "I mean--." He clears his throat. "Yeah?"
Jared can't stop smiling. "Yeah. My systems are more adaptive than I'd thought, but--" He shrugs, tone clinical: "I have a static number of nanocytes. In order to build the connections, I need more, so the data in my memory is getting broken down. Redirected. It's not a big deal."
Jensen's quiet. His face flickering with tiny muscle movements, unsure where to settle. Thoughtful.
Jared nudges him. "Hey. Come on. I've got centuries worth of things I don't mind forgetting." He holds Jensen's hand. "I'm happy. I'm really fucking happy."
Jensen's forehead smoothes out, and he grins, huge. He squeezes Jared's hand, brings it to his mouth and kisses the back of it, warm and easy.
****
Roy's barely a presence in some ways. He's passionate about his work, spends hours parsing data and drawing up plans. Devoted to this promised land.
Conner's nothing but presence. He's a good kid. He challenges Jared to a push-up contest, and Jared assumes he's looking for a triumph, so he gives up after eighty, feigning fatigue. Conner collapses, chest to the floor, then rolls over onto one side, groaning, "No, man, that's bullshit. You can go forever, right? I know you can."
Jared smiles. "I could go for a long time, sure."
Conner sits on his back. "What about now?"
Jared heaves up, pushes, triceps and pectorals deploying.
Conner laughs. He jumps to his feet on Jared's back, the tread of his boots digging in. "Now?"
Jared dips down, then up.
"Un-fucking-real." Conner whistles.
Jared lowers himself, chest pressed to the floor. His elbows are bent at his sides. He flexes his back, waits for Conner to get off.
****
Jensen falls asleep early one night, and Jared takes the time to catalogue changes. He has stubble growing in at a density of 1.8 hairs per square millimeter. The shadow of a tan. It's calming, somehow, to see Jensen change. To know that Jensen has been here long enough for Jared to see him change.
There's a stillness that hasn't been there for a long time.
****
Jensen shakes him awake the next morning. "Up! At 'em! Lazy ass."
Jared pushes Jensen’s hand away, swings his legs over the side of the bed. He's fuzzy. It's getting worrisome.
"What's with you?" Jensen pats Jared's cheek. "Starting to slow down on me."
Jared puts a grin on his face. "Running smooth as butter."
Jensen smiles, goes to rummage through his pack, then throws a scrap of fabric at Jared.
"What's this?"
Jensen waves at the general vicinity of Jared's waist. "Time to wrap it up, friend." He pulls on his suit. "Roy’s gonna put out the call to the ship in a few days. Might as well get used to some clothing."
"Sad day." Jared pulls the red trunks up and over.
"That it is." Jensen's voice is muffled by fabric, until he pulls it down over his head. He takes a good look at Jared. "Fuck. You looked less naked before."
"Don't ogle me, man."
Jensen just chuckles, locks an arm around Jared's neck and presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek.
There's a knock at the door. "Jen! Get the fuck up, Roy's making me wait for your ass and I'm bored as shit."
Jared shakes his head in disapproval, wiping Jensen's kiss off his cheek. "Know where that kid got his potty mouth."
Jensen smirks. "Fuck off." He opens the door. "Morning sunshine."
Conner pats Jensen's cheek. "Lookin' old, brother." He looks over Jensen's shoulder. "Hey Jared. You guys sharing a room? Where'd you sleep?" He cranes his neck, searching the room.
Jensen's grin is all teeth. "Only one bed, Con. You really are a virgin." He grabs his helmet off the bed and strides out of the room, reaching back to swat Conner's ass.
Conner eyes Jared. He opens his mouth, on the verge of saying something, but bites it back. Slaps a smile across his face. "So this is pretty uncomfortable? And I know enough about Jensen's, uh, preferences for the red shorts to really be bumming me out. So I'm--" He points a thumb over his shoulder, backs out. "Good talkin'." He bolts.
Jared decides to laugh, so he does that for a while.
****
Things are strange. They'd been good for such a short time. Conner's avoiding him, and Jensen's simmering, blood pressure taut, with a smile on his face. Roy's the only peace of mind Jared can find, but even their work slows down, anxiety chipping away at Jared's stores of information.
Jared tries not to think about it--all of it--until he can't. He finishes rolling out the solar panel mats on the roof with time to spare, and when he walks back into the cabin, Conner's shouting, "What the fuck, Jensen, how long are you gonna fucking give me the goddamn silent treatment? It's such a bitch move."
"Don't curse at me, Conner." Jensen's voice is a shimmering quiet.
Jared turns to go.
"Fuck you, Jen. All I said was that I didn't know he was that kind of robot. I don't care how you get your rocks off but don't act like it's for real--"
Jared takes off, a quick jog. Once around the lake, Jared thinks. To keep the joints smooth and flexing.
****
When he gets back, Conner's sitting on their bed. Jensen's out.
"Roy said you were up on the roof. With your super hearing and all--" Conner rolls his eyes, shrugs. "I'm supposed to apologize."
"Kind of pointless," Jared says.
Conner's head comes up. He nods. "Roy made Jensen take a walk."
"He'll cool down." Jared makes himself slouch a little, curving his spine.
Conner's quiet.
Jared can hear Roy outside the window, the blink and hum of whatever device he's carrying around. He's hovering.
"It's not you," Conner says. "It's not about you. You're fine. Whatever, you're cool. Jensen's being a fucking girl, acting like I'm the fucking worst person on the station because of this shit." He's tearing up.
Jared sits next to him, unclenches his fists over his knees. He pretends not to see Conner wiping away tears. For Conner's sake. "So, point of context: People used to have pets. Um. Animals as companions. Anyway, when I was with my family, the first two years I got a monthly visit from this doctor. He wasn't really a doctor, just a tech they sent over. He'd look me over, basic stuff, and then go talk to my parents for a little while. I'd hang out with my sister. With me so far?"
Conner sighs. "Yeah." He edges away from Jared, knee bouncing.
"So once, late into it, she went with them, and there was nothing for me to do.” Jared shrugs. “I went to the door and listened in. Not the best move. My mom was asking if it wasn't possible I could love her, that I acted like I did. And the doctor said no. That it's the same as it might be with a dog. That a dog's love is a loyalty born from training. You give a dog food long enough and it picks up on what you like. Showers a kind of affection on you. And he explained that my case was similar. That my love was an act brought on by programming."
Conner looks at his hands. "Harsh."
"My sister flipped. She got so angry." Jared shakes his head. "But it was true, you know? I can act out love. The commitment, the intimacy are actions that I can take. I can make choices, to learn more about Jensen, to make sure he knows I'm staying for the long haul. The 'doing' of love I can give him." Jared feels dimmed. "But it's not enough, yeah?"
Conner stares at him. "I don't know."
"It doesn't feel whole to you." Jared forces the words out. "Me either. He's missing out on something because he's with me." A smile flickers across his face, small and sad. "I'm trying, you know? I think I could learn, the rest of it. I hope so."
Conner raises a hand. He hesitates, then lowers it; makes an incremental shift closer to Jared.
Jared catches Conner's eye. "All I'm saying is. Don't read too much into it. He's not really angry at you. You're not really angry about this either."
Conner rubs one eye with the heel of his hand. He kicks out a foot. "It's just. It's like he thinks this is all we deserve. That clones can't find real love, so he's off with you."
Jared shrugs. "It's real on his side."
"I guess." He looks away. "I guess I'm sorry, too." Sincere in his lack of certainty.
Jared nods.
Conner gets up, slowly. He stands there for a little while. "Everyone says I'm gonna grow up to be just like him, you know?" He wavers, like he's not sure he has permission to leave.
Jared grins, waves him out into the sun, into the day shining too bright for doubt, for sadness.
There's a tap at the open window. Roy's standing outside, a scanner in one hand, a bunch of dried plants in the other. "You're making things too complicated."
"Roy." Jared cocks his head. "The eavesdropping needs a little work. I'm pretty sure going unnoticed is a part of the equation."
"Smartass.” Roy sniffs. “Look, you're missing out on the feeling, right? The rush and need. That's serotonins. Pheromones and nerve growth factor. The biological drive. As much programmed into us as anything is you."
"It's passion," Jared says. He presses down on the bridge of his nose. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
"It's icing. Sure, a cake without icing's missing something." Roy studies a screen. "It's still cake."
"You're oversimplifying."
Roy looks up, stares Jared in the eye. "So meet me in the middle."
****
Jensen comes back with the night. He's windblown, his farmer's tan stark. Jared can see the white of his skin where the collar of his suit’s dipped. Jared's still sitting on the bed. He hasn't moved.
"Are you gonna be mad about this? Or are you gonna do your whole fucking stupid 'I'm a robot' thing?"
"Jensen."
Jensen shakes his head. His eyes are plaintive. "Jared."
"He's sorry, alright?" Jared feels a wrench of anger. "Don't get your panties in a twist."
"Fuck you, man. Don't excuse that shit. You fucking--" He jerks.
Jared hushes him. "Don't let Conner hear you, man."
"Fuck Conner."
Jared puts his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. He's tired. "Be honest with yourself--"
Jensen snorts.
"--Are you mad because he said something wrong--"
"Yes--"
"--Or because he reminded you of something you don't want to think about?"
Jensen goes still, clenches his jaw. Then relaxes it, deliberate. He shakes his head. "Don't do that. Don't bait me, man."
"Fuck." Jared slaps the mattress, hard.
Jensen scrubs a hand through his hair. He sits next to Jared, lets out a long breath. "You shouldn't have to hear that kind of shit." Jensen's voice is steady, kept low. "Conner knows better. He fucking knows what it's like to be treated like you're less because of something you are. He's out of line." He clenches his fists. "It's not right."
Jared's angry. He doesn't know at what. It's a pressure compelling him. He turns toward Jensen, dips his head and finds Jensen's mouth. Kisses him. "I'll make it right."
He hefts Jensen up and over him, then settles them both back on the bed, Jensen straddling him. Takes Jensen's mouth again.
"I'm getting there, you know?" Words against the slick smooth of Jensen's lips. "I'm gonna want you." He grips Jensen's hips, tight, feels them flex in his grasp. "I'm going to love you, and fucking hurt when you're not around--" He bites at Jensen's lower lip. "Just the sight of you--" he breathes.
Jensen forces a noise from his throat, this side of a groan, his cock throbbing. "Stop. Jared, just--stop talking."
His fingers dig too hard into Jared's shoulders. He shoves him, deeper into the bed, then plants his hands on either side of Jared's head. Staring him down. The full weight of him, bearing down.
He bucks forward. "Alright? Okay?"
Jared reaches up, cups the back of Jensen's neck and pulls him down, kisses him deep. He takes Jensen's hand in his, traces both their fingers down the front of Jensen's suit, a tandem action.
****
Jared watches Jensen come. Pleasure, desire, need. Putting a name to the flood through his own circuits.
Jensen collapses onto him, hair dark with sweat, panting. "Goddamn." He pulls out, rolls over onto his back, still half on top of Jared. His eyes close.
Jared shifts, frowning a little at the ache. He turns his head to the side, the tip of his nose touching Jensen's cheek. A longing stepping through every empty space, his body a close and airless warmth.
"What was your sister's name?" Jensen asks.
"Megan. Why?"
"Always wondered." Jensen stretches. "How old was she?"
Jared thinks. "Twenty four," he makes up.
****
Jared dreams in flashcards. Jensen's ship in the storm. The blast of his weapon. You aren't parts. Skipping through every one of Jensen's smiles; the kiss. Images, where Jensen is tall and strong and brown-haired and green-eyed.
He's saving them away. Dreaming to keep them above a rising tide. Safe. Dry.
****
Jared starts up late. The room is grayed with cooling light. Jensen is sitting at his feet, cross-legged. He's in his suit, charging up a ball of energy in one hand, and tossing it into the other. Back and forth, hypnotic. His face is drawn.
"Afternoon," Jensen says. "Wanna tell me what's going on?"
"I lied to you."
"Slick. Mm," He pulls a face, rephrases. "Tricky."
"I'm redirecting a lot of my power usage into the expansion of my emotional capabilities. It's--" He pushes himself up into a sitting position. "The consequences are more severe than I'd projected."
"How severe?" Jensen's tone is casual.
"85% of my memory has been depleted."
Jensen laughs. "Fuck. You're a fucking asshole."
"It sounds worse than it is. I have a lot of memories of walking around in a--a goddamn forest or something, alright?"
Jensen shakes his head, a disbelieving smile on his face. "What else?"
"I need longer periods of rest. Just some time to go away and recharge. That's all." He leans forward, presses his face into Jensen's shoulder. "Don't worry."
"You slept for fifteen hours. I can't not fucking worry, you fucking prick." He cups the back of Jared's head, fingers buried in Jared's hair.
Jared sighs, hands on Jensen's knees, tugging him closer.
"Stop, okay? Just. Stop all of it. I don't fucking care, Jared." His lips are at Jared's temple. "Just. Stay with me. I'm happy with you. You, here."
Jared's tired. He's still tired. He's torn. Shaking, a little, everywhere Jensen isn't holding him down. "Okay."
Jensen's relieved, but Jared knows it's a hollow promise. He's too close to fulfilling the objective. There is no cancel, no uninstall. He'll hope for the best, and dream barricading dreams.
****
The tech was tall and well-built. No glasses. Early on, Megan had sat in on all of Jared's check-ups, always in a skirt, or tight jeans. Jared gave her a hard time about it.
The tech injected a syringe full of nanocytes, blue through the translucent plastic, into Jared's arm. He'd tutted. "You shouldn't require so many of these." He looked over at Megan. "You spending every waking minute with this thing? Give him a break every once in a while. He’s not just any old toy."
Megan’s eyes had flashed, and she’d tugged her skirt down, lower over her legs. "Jared's fine. And to clear things up? We're not paying you to be a jackass."
The tech laughed. "You don't like me. That's fine. But you're going to be seeing a lot of me if you keep him attaching at the rate he is. And a lot of my expensive toys." He taps the glass of the syringe, at the fine, skimmed layer of blue.
"Uh oh, doc," Jared had said. "Pokin' bears."
****
Jared wakes up. He's been stealing naps, when Jensen is out. He's lying on his side and staring at the wall. Fingering a knot in one of the logs. He doesn't remember why he didn't pick another tree. Something without the imperfection. He doesn't remember building this place.
The worst thing about fear, Jared thinks, is that you're always running just out of reach of whatever’s chasing you. His systems hum at full power, ready to act, a prickling under his skin.
Jared stumbles outside, out the cabin. Roy's the first person he finds.
"I was looking for you," Roy says.
"Hey," Jared says. "The starliner's autopilot. What's that run on?" He licks his lips. "I'm curious." He tries to keep his speech unhurried.
"Don't know. Little blue things?" Roy shrugs. "It's a closed system, self repairs. Doesn't require a lot of maintenance."
"Good." Jared nods. "Yeah. Good. But I bet they have ‘em, somewhere. Back-ups."
Roy raises his eyebrows. “Sure. I’d bet on it.”
Jared smiles, systems surging down in relief. "Why'd you want me?"
"Along the same lines. Need someone to run out and check the signal beacon. Ship could be in today, tomorrow."
"Sure, I can do that."
Roy turns an eye on the sky. "I'd get going, soon. Looks like rain." He shakes his head, smiling. "Rain. Can't get over it."
Jared laughs. "Where's it at?"
"Under the madrone. Thanks, Jared." Roy touches two fingers to his forehead, heads back to the cabin. “Good man.”
Jared turns in place, searching the horizon. He's--he's not sure, which way to go.
****
Jared still has the card Jensen had given him. He makes a message, just in case the worst case scenario plays out. The odds are even. He would hate for Jensen to waste time trying pointless remedies. This way, the first thing they try will be the best, most effective attempt. And after that, everybody can move on. Jensen can move on, if he has to.
The most practical course of action is to ask Conner to go with him to the beacon. Jensen's presence correlates to a higher degree of emotional activity, and that's not the best of ideas, now. As it is, it's building at a destructive speed. Still, he can't convince himself.
He'd been without Jensen for a long time. And with what's happening--He can't convince himself.
Jensen's at the lake. Conner had set a patrol disc on route, over the side of a cliff until it hovered above the water. The two of them are taking turns riding out, then shifting their weight onto the edge until it tips them over.
Jared shouts up, "Roy wants us to check out the signal. Says the liner's due."
Jensen's got both hands gripping tight on the patrol disc, fighting to keep his seat. "Yeah?" He grins. "That's great! You gonna recognize it?" His arms twitch and flex.
"Why would you recognize it?" asks Conner.
"I saw it, day of launch," Jared says. He remembers. It's coming back, he realizes. He’s going to see it come back. He's glad.
"You look like you're a hundred miles away," Jensen says, calling for Jared's attention.
Jared smiles. Jensen beams, loses his balance, manages a salute in midair before the unavoidable splash.
****
They make a day of it. The forest is thick and overrun. Branches crawl up into the air at great height, woven tight, sewing the sky up into dimmed patches. A dense, whispering green. This is the earth, Jared thinks. Nature unimpeded and not of me. He feels a tight little frisson of fear down his back at the sight of it, for the first time.
Jensen pushes his way in. Every footstep kicks up the sweet smell of decay in the undergrowth. He looks over his shoulder at Jared. "You're quiet."
"Sorry."
Jensen shakes the apology away. "This was a good idea, walking. Like old times."
Jared smiles. Doesn't so much as tense, when he realizes those memories are ragged. It's okay, he tells himself. It's okay. He clears his throat. "I'm sorry. For being so caught up in--" He shrugs, waves his hand, a gesture encompassing the situation. "I know I scared you."
"Yeah. I've been thinking about it a lot." Jensen comes to a stop, panting, a little. His hands on his hips. "Turning it around in my head." He cocks his head. "Why'd you stay with me? Was it just because I was the first guy who landed here? What if it was Rocky?"
Jared pulls a face. "A bald guy?"
Jensen laughs. "You know what I mean. Was it because I was first?"
"Maybe in the beginning. I was lonely." Jared thinks hard, systems whirring. "But. I could have left. I might have if you were someone different, one of those nights you were inside your tent." He fidgets on his feet. "But there was a lot to learn about you. And every day there was a reason to stay. Something I wanted to ask you, or see you do again. And every day, the choice was easy. To stay."
Jensen's eyes are searching. Greener than the forest. "Jared. I love you. I'm not missing anything."
Jensen kisses him there in the dark, quiet noises from every shadow, leaves rustling. They could be speaking, Jared thinks. Words in a language I've forgotten. His eyes burn. Let me fade quietly, he thinks. So Jensen doesn't get scared. Let me come back.
****
Jared concentrates with every step, clinging to the data in his memory. Regret sweeping over him in waves, regular and unceasing. They're at the edge of the forest when he hears the rumbling. Then the weight of a fissure of pressurized air, shimmering down. It bursts through the clouds, too fast: the starliner. It's going to be a hard landing. It's worn and patched, but familiar. Jared blinks.
The starliner.
Jensen stands next to him. He's staring up, squinting into the sun. "Can you fucking believe it?" His voice is hushed. "Back home already. Finally. Who knew?"
Jared feels a heat burn in his stomach. Every system flipping off, head down to toe, before roaring back in. He breathes, deep. In the instant before the ship touches down, Jared catalogs the things he knows: that Jensen has twenty four freckles on the bridge of his nose, that the ship that took his sister away is home, that it carries men and women and children who will grow up on earth, and sky, and ocean. That the temperature is 59 degrees which is 15 Celsius which is 288 Kelvin. That he is meant for a purpose and enough.
He touches Jensen's face. Kisses his mouth. "I love you," he says. It's the one thing he knows. The one thing.
****
Things are not black. Things just are not. Standby drops into shut down.
And after a very long time: an influx, blue-white sparking at the edges of his optics.
He wakes up in an unfamiliar room. He's on his back, hands palm down at his sides. His eyes flick over the ceiling, practicing, then move down the walls. There's a man standing at the window, looking out.
Jared clears his throat.
The man turns, raises an eyebrow. He sighs. "You know who I am?"
Jared licks his lips. "Roy."
Roy eyes him, shaking his head. His smile comes up slow and unpracticed. He looks back out the window, shouts, "Leon!" and flashes a thumbs-up.
"Where's Jensen?" Jared asks. He tries to sit up, but his limbs are slow to respond, lagging.
"You think he needs to be here if you wake up and don't remember shit? Kicked the kid's ass out days ago." Roy puts his elbows up on the sill, stares out at the view. "He'll get here soon."
"Thanks."
Jared waits. He runs a diagnostic, feels his processes spin their wheels. It's bright day.
"Look at that, friend." Roy's eyes are narrowed, gaze sharp, cutting around the landscape through the window: trees and sky and lake.
Jared can see pieces of them. Their looming presence.
Roy clears his throat. "The starliner landed about a week ago."
"Yeah? A week." Jared adjusts for time lost. "How's it--" He clears his throat, testing his vocalization. "Is everybody ok? How’re they settling in? The ship was coming in pretty fast."
Roy smiles. “Everything’s fine. People are-making their choices.” He holds up a silver card between two fingers. “Found this.
“Good. Good.”
Roy nods. He flips it between his knuckles, sends it twisting, flashing. “You know what this is really for?”
“Record log.” He drags up the memory, finds it patched together and whole. “Jensen told me.”
“Sure, we use it for that.” Roy pulls at two corners, stretches the card until it’s large and catching the sun. It hovers. “But everyone gets one of these. Like a keepsake.” An image of the Earth comes up, blue and green and white, spinning amidst black. “A reminder that we’d had a home.” Videos flash by: high school proms and farmer’s markets. Cities lit up. “Something to keep close to your heart and stir you.”
It fades.
“And now we’re back. And everything’s run wild. Only our messes are still here.” The sun is a hard light slanting across Roy’s smile. “We have to put our house in order. Dig our hands down deep into the ground. And we have to do it right.” He stares back out the window. “It’s a task.”
Jared tests his knees, his elbows. They whir with precision. He sits up.
Roy cracks his knuckles. “We’re all settling in. Finding a balance, yeah? Between the things that move us and the things we move.”
Jared stands. He hears footsteps.
Jensen barrels in. He’s sharp at the edges. Dark smudges under his red eyes. He takes Jared in.
Roy steps out, quietly.
Jared waits.
“You shouldn’t be up,” Jensen says. His voice is calm, untroubled. “Lie down. You need to fucking chill the fuck out.”
“Okay.” Jared backs up, sits on the bed. Swings his legs up and lies down. He puts one arm behind his head, to get a better look at Jensen.
Jensen sits in a chair across the room. He crosses his arms, head leaned back against the wall. His eyes close.
“What’re you doing?”
Jensen doesn’t answer.
Jared can’t help but smile. “What? You’re not talking to me now? We’re doing the silent treatment thing?”
Jensen sinks lower into his chair, looking for a comfortable position.
“Jensen.”
Jensen holds up a hand. “Shut the fuck up, Jared. You hear me? I’m fucking exhausted as shit. I will fucking come down on you like the fist of an angry god.”
Jared rolls his eyes. “Jensen, come on. I’m sorr-”
Jensen pushes up, heads for the door.
“Where the hell are you going?” Jared sits up. “Jensen.” A plea.
Jensen freezes. He turns, climbs into bed next to Jared, shoves him down onto his back. He closes his eyes. He lets out a long, shaking breath. “I didn’t so much as fucking whimper, asshole.”
“Okay.” Jared touches Jensen. A hand through his hair. A press down his back. Until the rhythm of his breathing slows. Until he’s sleeping. “I’ll stay with you,” Jared says. “I’ll keep close.”
****
[“-So you know, give me 20,000 a day for five days, and after that. Well, after that it’s probably time to stop.”
Jared smiles, huge and bright. “I don’t know how this is going to turn out. Um. There are several different possible outcomes, and you know. There’s only one that’s ideal, right? Comin’ back, memories restored, all my settings advanced, where I left them. Running better than ever.”
He runs a hand through his hair. Chews on his lower lip.
“But just in case-“
He smiles, lit from the inside. Eyes clear.
“I fucking love you.” His voice scraped raw with emotion.]
THE END