(no subject)
Ugh, I hate this. My pills have stopped working but I don't know why. It's frustrating because it seems like every day I get more anxious. It's not the same as the depression, but there is that too. I don't even want to leave the house and everyone is judging me for it. My mom wants me to get a new job, my brother in law keeps phoning me for work and I know they're talking about me behind my back about it, my mom even said so.
I hate my phone. Every time it makes a single little sound I get this spike of panic. Someone wanting to talk, someone wanting me to work, someone wanting my attention when I'd rather just be alone and unbothered.
I feel like somehow I've spun back into my sixteen year old self, only now I have so many other things to worry about.
I talked to my doctor about it, but he made it seem as if it's just grief. Maybe the depression is but this isn't. I'm scared, always, with so many people at each side asking something of me. Not working I think is the problem, but on the same hand I'm scared to work. I'm scared and unsure. Which direction do I take? Where do I want to be going? Should I quit my job and find another? Nothing pays me as well. But neither does not working so what does that matter? Why am I so scared?
Is it so wrong to want to stay where I'm comfortable and safe? No, of course not, I do need help I know, but it doesn't help that everyone makes me feel badly for it. Why aren't you talking to me? Why aren't you working? You should quit your job and get another. You should work for me. You should do this and that.
I think I will call the kennel back and tell them I'm interested in the job, in the end having steady is work is better than having no work at all, but I'm scared.
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