(no subject)
So, I was retelling these stories on facebook to a friend, and I realized - I don't think I'd ever posted about them before. So, basically when I was Assistant Manager at EB Games, we had some real winnars come through. My job was basically to tell customers to stop being asshats (until my spineless manager(s) came around and gave in, breaking policy EVERY TIME and making me look like a douche...)
So anyway, my two best stories go like this:
One:
The scene opens with Breann and I manning the tills. It is a normal winter day in October. Technically it is fall, but the snow on the ground says otherwise. To get a better understanding of our store, it is on the corner of a strip. There is T-intersection and in one of the little corners, there is our store. People have a habit of stopping in front of the store (despite the NO PARKING ZONE signs) and leaving their cars running while they run to 'grab something'. More than once, people have had their cars hit because, why hello, you are blocking the entrance to the intersection.
So we're pretty vigilant about people not parking there.
But anyway, Breann and I don't notice because we're ringing customers through and joking with each other and generally being awesome (I loved working with Breann. She was the sarcastic sun to an otherwise gloomy winter day.) It's nearing six o'clock, so it's already pitch black out.
Enter Fallout 3 Guy (which is what he's known amongst us ex-EB employees). F3G seems like a generally nice guy at first (don't they all?). I recognize him from earlier in the day (because basically I worked sixty hour a day shifts at this place) and he started complaining about Fallout 3. It is the worst game he has ever played EVER! It was so terrible it would make the baby Jesus cry! Oh no, all too quickly I realize where this is going.
F3G wants to return the game. Of course he does. He produces the game and the receipt. I inwardly groan.
Me: So... there's nothing wrong with it?
F3G: Sure there is! It's terrible!
Me: But it works?
F3G: Yes...
I give Breann the silent look. The one that says, 'Oh fuck me up the ass, here we go again.' I tell F3G that I can't return the game. At this point I should mention EB Games takes used games. It's awesome! Well, awesome in that it actually sucks ass and you get dick all for your used games that you spent hundreds of dollars on, but that's beside the point. Since Fallout 3 had just come out, the guy could get $35 back for it if he traded it in! Store credit, of course. I tell him this.
F3G: Why can't I just return it? It was an awful game! I hated it! I want ALL my money back!
Me: I'm sorry, Sir, trading it in as a used game is all we can do.
F3G: What if it was broken?
Me: ... (oh yes, I see where you are going, Sir) I would return it for another copy of the same game.
F3G: THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Me: I'm sorry, Sir. There's nothing we can do.
He rages some more and he's starting to piss me off because people are staring and he's swearing and being a douche, so I kindly say:
Me: I'm sorry, but if you didn't know if you would like the game, you should have rented it first.
F3G: ... Why didn't you tell me that BEFORE I bought the game?!
Me: ... Wait, what?
No, I didn't actually say that last line. But seriously, I wanted to ask him if he actually expected me to tell EVERY customer that, "I'm just letting you know before you purchase the game, if you don't like it, you can't return it." Most people generally get that when you buy a game, you can't return it if you don't like it! That's what video rental stores are FOR. In fact, I can recall a few awesome customers who weren't sure about a game and when I told them about the video rental store idea, they were either: Yes, I'll do that! or I'll chance it! Fun fact: F3G just came in and bought the game. No idle chitter chatter about whether or not he'd like it or not. For all I knew, he was buying it for his cousin's uncle twice removed on his mother's side.
So we go back and forth on the issue. He's getting more and more belligerent and douchey. He even begins to point out things on our return policy (it's printed on the receipt and on a little board on the counter) and twisting the words to suit his needs. Honestly, I can't remember what he was using to further his point, except that it was so beyond stupid. And then I would conveniently point out the parts in the policy that OBVIOUSLY contradicted him like 1) We can only return open merchandise for the same product. Or, when he got even more angry and began to insult me, 2) We reserve the right to refuse any return at any time.
Naturally, he goes for the manager tactic. "I want to speak to your manager!"
I love this one, because then I get to say, "Yes, I'm the manager."
Although I often said this when the manager wasn't in the store, because it was easier and technically I was acting manager and no, I'm not going to call my manager on her day off... In October I was the manager. So this obviously pisses him off because one, he's getting nowhere with me and two, I'm obviously too young to be a manager.
F3G: A fifteen year old can't be a manager! I want your manager!
Me: Sir, I'm twenty, but my age is irrelevant to your issue.
F3G: You're not twenty! You're lying!
Breann behind me is laughing her ass off, the sadistic hoor. I believe she was still in high school at this point and apparently, according to F3G, she was older than me because she had lip piercings and he still didn't believe it when she told him that I was three years older than her.
Now I'm getting pissed off, because he's throwing my age in my face, which is already a sore point for me because yes, I look fifteen. I still do. It's annoying as fuck, believe me. Mostly because it means I am forever alone because no guys my age want to hit on that girl who's probably still in school (but I'm nooooooot.)
Finally he says, "I'm not leaving until you return my game."
And I'm like, "You're going to be here until close?"
And he repeats his sentence over and over, like I don't get it. It kind of sucked because while I was the manager, honestly there was nothing I could do to get rid of this guy. I could kick him out, which I should have, but I think that would have caused even more trouble, since he believed I was fifteen (and to be honest, he was about a foot taller than me and six times as wide.)
So the guy stands there for fifteen minutes about until Ryan gets there. Thank goodness! Ryan and I never got along at EB, but for whatever reason, whenever the going got tough we were there for each other. Ryan was a stubborn asshole, but I fell to pieces when he quit. It was a really bizarre relationship. He comes in and immediately sees something is wrong, so he asks me what's up before he's even got his nametag on.
IMMEDIATELY F3G launches into a tirade about his game! Ryan just kind of glances at me and then glances at F3G and he puffs himself up like he's not going to take any shit (fun fact: Ryan was about as thin as I was (am not any longer. Weep.) Taller, but skinny and he looks like he has an iron deficiency.) And then Ryan puts two and two together.
Remember the set up I gave you about the No Parking zone? Well, apparently there is an SUV idling there. Breann and I hadn't seen it but Ryan had when he'd come in. At this point F3G was the only guy in the store, so it was obviously his SUV. Ryan asks him politely if that's his vehicle parked outside. F3G says yes, doesn't understand what that has to do with anything.
Ryan: I'm going to have to ask you to move your vehicle.
F3G: No way! I'm not leaving until I get my refund!
Ryan: Then I'm going to have to call a tow to tow your vehicle.
F3G: What the fuck! What's wrong with you?
Ryan: You're parked in a no parking zone. Your causing trouble in our store. You have to leave.
F3G: What are you going to do about it?
Ryan: I'm going to call a tow truck to tow your vehicle.
F3G: Oh yeah? I'm going to fucking punch you in the face!
At this point, I was having a breakdown behind the counter. But as soon as the threat went out, I was dialing 9-1-1 so fast F3G didn't have time to register what I was doing. He seen me on the phone, assumed I was dialing a tow, so he ran out to move his car. Emergency comes on the line and I start explaining the situation, how we have a belligerent customer who threatened one of my employees and baaaaaaaw, I start weeping like a girl and hand the phone over to Ryan.
F3G comes back in and at this point, we're not doing anything about getting him to leave. That's what the police are for! And they show up in record time! Huzzah!
F3G looked so shocked out of his shit and I was having a full-blown anxiety attack (go me! I don't know how I managed to maintain myself so damn long) so I went to the backroom and ended up just sitting on some boxes and talking to Breann, who was attempting to comfort me, but she was pretty scared out of her skull too (she tells me now that she was convinced the guy was going to explode and kill us all.)
Ryan is handling everything and being generally awesome and the police arrest the guy, but when none of us want to press charges, they let him go - but he's banned from the store for life. Go team! Seriously though, he gets the worst customer ever award. Looking back, I should have asked him to leave when he first started swearing. But honestly, most of our customers were like that ('manly' men who were trying to impress and look badass while simultaneously being video game nerds). In the end, he didn't punch Ryan in the face, though how he managed not to, I don't know (especially when every time he threatened Ryan, Ryan kept telling him to do it. Men.)
Our next customer is a lovely woman who cannot read.
This story I don't remember as well as the first because it was neither harrowing nor dramatic, but only mildly stupid (and by mildly I mean the woman was a flaming idiot). Anyone who has ever bought a copy of Rockband (the whole kit) knows that you can't return it to the store if something is broken or missing or whatever. It says on the box in a big neon yellow circle that you CANNOT RETURN IT TO THE STORE.
There's even a pink sheet of paper inside that says YOU CANNOT RETURN IT TO THE STORE, but you can return it to the manufacturer if you dial this number.
So this woman comes in with her big box of Rockband and I instantly facepalm.
"The drums are broken!" she says, or something to that effect, and I say the usual. I'm sorry, I can't return it, you have to go through the manufacturer. Most people are really good about this. We even tell people when they buy Rockband (if they've missed the GIANT CIRCLE OF DOOM and also the pink slip) they can't return it. We do this to cover our asses. Everyone does it. No one would say otherwise because that would just be stupid.
Naturally she picks the obvious choice: But so-and-so said I could!
Lady, no one said you could. No one. My store was pretty freakin' awesome. We had the best employees ever. We were an A+ team (until Manager of Fail rolled in on her high horse... Sigh.) So I tell her again, sorry, there's nothing we can do. I ask if she can describe the man that told her she could return it so I could give him a talking to, and naturally she can't. "He was tall and had brown hair!" Wow, that is about every guy who works in our store, thanks!
And then she changes her story. "No one told me it couldn't be returned!" Filthy lies! No, but seriously, every says the same thing when Rockband is purchased. I know. I'm the manager. I'm there all the freakin' time! I make sure the employees do this (and they do, because as previously stated, they are freakin' awesome!) But never mind, the customer is always right. But lo! On the box it says: YOU CANNOT RETURN TO THE STORE.
"Ugh!" she says. "No one reads the box!"
No one reads the - what. Who doesn't read the box? Who?! And even if you didn't, because I get that sometimes you think you know what you want and you just say, "I want that!" and you buy it and you get home and you realize that these underpants are six sizes too big and now what are you going to do, you can't return underpants...
I can't help it, I say it before I can stop myself. I know it's rude. "Um. I read the box." I say. She has friends with her, I should mention, and she balks and is like, "YEAH RIGHT, YOU'RE A LIAR."
Seriously.
Yes, because the whole human race is as stupid as you, you moron.
Naturally, she wants the manager! Oh wait, that's you, LET'S GO HIGHER! I want YOUR manager! You want the distract manager? The guy reknowned for being a number one a-hole? Sure. Go ahead. At this point, I don't care because I just want to get this lady out of my store.
So I give her the number for Customer Service, since I can't actually give out my district manager's number. I call him and tell him to give her a call later. So she calls customer service while she's still in the store (on our phone), and customer service basically tells her that she's shit out of luck and go take your meds, you crazy bitch.
She storms out of the store and everyone in the store, even the customers, give a collective sigh of relief.
But no! Later she calls and complains about our receipt, because it says that we return defective merchandise and HER ROCKBAND IS DEFECTIVE DAMMIT. Oh my God, seriously woman. She demands that I change the receipt. That I personally change the receipt. Um. What? I can't do that. For one thing, it's pre-printed on the tape. For another - you are not getting it. We do return defective merchandise! But not Rockband! The manufacturer won't LET us! ARRRGHHH.
I kind of get bitchy with her, bad service on my part, and I just say, "Yes, I'll do that." And then she says, "TODAY!" and I'm like, "Um. Right." And she's like, "You're just saying that!" and I'm like, Yes, yes I am. But instead I say, "No, I'll call the district manager and let him know." And she's like, "NOW!!" And we finally hang up and I'm just left going - really?
Top two craziest customers I ever had at EB (not including the guy who stole a PS3, but he wasn't really a customer since he didn't actually buy anything, but his and his cohort's scam was pretty well thought out... Would have worked too, if it weren't for those meddling police.) I wish I could have video taped their insanity. It would have been epic. And what I wrote was seriously long, but it feels good to get those out there.
I miss working at EB. I miss selling video games to nerds and geeking out over stuff with other people. But I especially miss my awesome team (sadly, none of them still work there. They've been replaced with soulless retail slaves.) <3 It still makes me rage to think that all it took was one person to bring everything down. On the other hand, I LOL over the fact that she said I basically did nothing for the store but after I quit, broke down because she couldn't handle all the work I did. Which was, oh, everything. And yet I still loved that job. It kills me that I have all this experience running a store, but no one will hire me because as far as they know, all I was as an Assistant Manager.
Is it lying if I just put 'Manager' on my resume? I was a manager, just not the manager...
So anyway, my two best stories go like this:
One:
The scene opens with Breann and I manning the tills. It is a normal winter day in October. Technically it is fall, but the snow on the ground says otherwise. To get a better understanding of our store, it is on the corner of a strip. There is T-intersection and in one of the little corners, there is our store. People have a habit of stopping in front of the store (despite the NO PARKING ZONE signs) and leaving their cars running while they run to 'grab something'. More than once, people have had their cars hit because, why hello, you are blocking the entrance to the intersection.
So we're pretty vigilant about people not parking there.
But anyway, Breann and I don't notice because we're ringing customers through and joking with each other and generally being awesome (I loved working with Breann. She was the sarcastic sun to an otherwise gloomy winter day.) It's nearing six o'clock, so it's already pitch black out.
Enter Fallout 3 Guy (which is what he's known amongst us ex-EB employees). F3G seems like a generally nice guy at first (don't they all?). I recognize him from earlier in the day (because basically I worked sixty hour a day shifts at this place) and he started complaining about Fallout 3. It is the worst game he has ever played EVER! It was so terrible it would make the baby Jesus cry! Oh no, all too quickly I realize where this is going.
F3G wants to return the game. Of course he does. He produces the game and the receipt. I inwardly groan.
Me: So... there's nothing wrong with it?
F3G: Sure there is! It's terrible!
Me: But it works?
F3G: Yes...
I give Breann the silent look. The one that says, 'Oh fuck me up the ass, here we go again.' I tell F3G that I can't return the game. At this point I should mention EB Games takes used games. It's awesome! Well, awesome in that it actually sucks ass and you get dick all for your used games that you spent hundreds of dollars on, but that's beside the point. Since Fallout 3 had just come out, the guy could get $35 back for it if he traded it in! Store credit, of course. I tell him this.
F3G: Why can't I just return it? It was an awful game! I hated it! I want ALL my money back!
Me: I'm sorry, Sir, trading it in as a used game is all we can do.
F3G: What if it was broken?
Me: ... (oh yes, I see where you are going, Sir) I would return it for another copy of the same game.
F3G: THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Me: I'm sorry, Sir. There's nothing we can do.
He rages some more and he's starting to piss me off because people are staring and he's swearing and being a douche, so I kindly say:
Me: I'm sorry, but if you didn't know if you would like the game, you should have rented it first.
F3G: ... Why didn't you tell me that BEFORE I bought the game?!
Me: ... Wait, what?
No, I didn't actually say that last line. But seriously, I wanted to ask him if he actually expected me to tell EVERY customer that, "I'm just letting you know before you purchase the game, if you don't like it, you can't return it." Most people generally get that when you buy a game, you can't return it if you don't like it! That's what video rental stores are FOR. In fact, I can recall a few awesome customers who weren't sure about a game and when I told them about the video rental store idea, they were either: Yes, I'll do that! or I'll chance it! Fun fact: F3G just came in and bought the game. No idle chitter chatter about whether or not he'd like it or not. For all I knew, he was buying it for his cousin's uncle twice removed on his mother's side.
So we go back and forth on the issue. He's getting more and more belligerent and douchey. He even begins to point out things on our return policy (it's printed on the receipt and on a little board on the counter) and twisting the words to suit his needs. Honestly, I can't remember what he was using to further his point, except that it was so beyond stupid. And then I would conveniently point out the parts in the policy that OBVIOUSLY contradicted him like 1) We can only return open merchandise for the same product. Or, when he got even more angry and began to insult me, 2) We reserve the right to refuse any return at any time.
Naturally, he goes for the manager tactic. "I want to speak to your manager!"
I love this one, because then I get to say, "Yes, I'm the manager."
Although I often said this when the manager wasn't in the store, because it was easier and technically I was acting manager and no, I'm not going to call my manager on her day off... In October I was the manager. So this obviously pisses him off because one, he's getting nowhere with me and two, I'm obviously too young to be a manager.
F3G: A fifteen year old can't be a manager! I want your manager!
Me: Sir, I'm twenty, but my age is irrelevant to your issue.
F3G: You're not twenty! You're lying!
Breann behind me is laughing her ass off, the sadistic hoor. I believe she was still in high school at this point and apparently, according to F3G, she was older than me because she had lip piercings and he still didn't believe it when she told him that I was three years older than her.
Now I'm getting pissed off, because he's throwing my age in my face, which is already a sore point for me because yes, I look fifteen. I still do. It's annoying as fuck, believe me. Mostly because it means I am forever alone because no guys my age want to hit on that girl who's probably still in school (but I'm nooooooot.)
Finally he says, "I'm not leaving until you return my game."
And I'm like, "You're going to be here until close?"
And he repeats his sentence over and over, like I don't get it. It kind of sucked because while I was the manager, honestly there was nothing I could do to get rid of this guy. I could kick him out, which I should have, but I think that would have caused even more trouble, since he believed I was fifteen (and to be honest, he was about a foot taller than me and six times as wide.)
So the guy stands there for fifteen minutes about until Ryan gets there. Thank goodness! Ryan and I never got along at EB, but for whatever reason, whenever the going got tough we were there for each other. Ryan was a stubborn asshole, but I fell to pieces when he quit. It was a really bizarre relationship. He comes in and immediately sees something is wrong, so he asks me what's up before he's even got his nametag on.
IMMEDIATELY F3G launches into a tirade about his game! Ryan just kind of glances at me and then glances at F3G and he puffs himself up like he's not going to take any shit (fun fact: Ryan was about as thin as I was (am not any longer. Weep.) Taller, but skinny and he looks like he has an iron deficiency.) And then Ryan puts two and two together.
Remember the set up I gave you about the No Parking zone? Well, apparently there is an SUV idling there. Breann and I hadn't seen it but Ryan had when he'd come in. At this point F3G was the only guy in the store, so it was obviously his SUV. Ryan asks him politely if that's his vehicle parked outside. F3G says yes, doesn't understand what that has to do with anything.
Ryan: I'm going to have to ask you to move your vehicle.
F3G: No way! I'm not leaving until I get my refund!
Ryan: Then I'm going to have to call a tow to tow your vehicle.
F3G: What the fuck! What's wrong with you?
Ryan: You're parked in a no parking zone. Your causing trouble in our store. You have to leave.
F3G: What are you going to do about it?
Ryan: I'm going to call a tow truck to tow your vehicle.
F3G: Oh yeah? I'm going to fucking punch you in the face!
At this point, I was having a breakdown behind the counter. But as soon as the threat went out, I was dialing 9-1-1 so fast F3G didn't have time to register what I was doing. He seen me on the phone, assumed I was dialing a tow, so he ran out to move his car. Emergency comes on the line and I start explaining the situation, how we have a belligerent customer who threatened one of my employees and baaaaaaaw, I start weeping like a girl and hand the phone over to Ryan.
F3G comes back in and at this point, we're not doing anything about getting him to leave. That's what the police are for! And they show up in record time! Huzzah!
F3G looked so shocked out of his shit and I was having a full-blown anxiety attack (go me! I don't know how I managed to maintain myself so damn long) so I went to the backroom and ended up just sitting on some boxes and talking to Breann, who was attempting to comfort me, but she was pretty scared out of her skull too (she tells me now that she was convinced the guy was going to explode and kill us all.)
Ryan is handling everything and being generally awesome and the police arrest the guy, but when none of us want to press charges, they let him go - but he's banned from the store for life. Go team! Seriously though, he gets the worst customer ever award. Looking back, I should have asked him to leave when he first started swearing. But honestly, most of our customers were like that ('manly' men who were trying to impress and look badass while simultaneously being video game nerds). In the end, he didn't punch Ryan in the face, though how he managed not to, I don't know (especially when every time he threatened Ryan, Ryan kept telling him to do it. Men.)
Our next customer is a lovely woman who cannot read.
This story I don't remember as well as the first because it was neither harrowing nor dramatic, but only mildly stupid (and by mildly I mean the woman was a flaming idiot). Anyone who has ever bought a copy of Rockband (the whole kit) knows that you can't return it to the store if something is broken or missing or whatever. It says on the box in a big neon yellow circle that you CANNOT RETURN IT TO THE STORE.
There's even a pink sheet of paper inside that says YOU CANNOT RETURN IT TO THE STORE, but you can return it to the manufacturer if you dial this number.
So this woman comes in with her big box of Rockband and I instantly facepalm.
"The drums are broken!" she says, or something to that effect, and I say the usual. I'm sorry, I can't return it, you have to go through the manufacturer. Most people are really good about this. We even tell people when they buy Rockband (if they've missed the GIANT CIRCLE OF DOOM and also the pink slip) they can't return it. We do this to cover our asses. Everyone does it. No one would say otherwise because that would just be stupid.
Naturally she picks the obvious choice: But so-and-so said I could!
Lady, no one said you could. No one. My store was pretty freakin' awesome. We had the best employees ever. We were an A+ team (until Manager of Fail rolled in on her high horse... Sigh.) So I tell her again, sorry, there's nothing we can do. I ask if she can describe the man that told her she could return it so I could give him a talking to, and naturally she can't. "He was tall and had brown hair!" Wow, that is about every guy who works in our store, thanks!
And then she changes her story. "No one told me it couldn't be returned!" Filthy lies! No, but seriously, every says the same thing when Rockband is purchased. I know. I'm the manager. I'm there all the freakin' time! I make sure the employees do this (and they do, because as previously stated, they are freakin' awesome!) But never mind, the customer is always right. But lo! On the box it says: YOU CANNOT RETURN TO THE STORE.
"Ugh!" she says. "No one reads the box!"
No one reads the - what. Who doesn't read the box? Who?! And even if you didn't, because I get that sometimes you think you know what you want and you just say, "I want that!" and you buy it and you get home and you realize that these underpants are six sizes too big and now what are you going to do, you can't return underpants...
I can't help it, I say it before I can stop myself. I know it's rude. "Um. I read the box." I say. She has friends with her, I should mention, and she balks and is like, "YEAH RIGHT, YOU'RE A LIAR."
Seriously.
Yes, because the whole human race is as stupid as you, you moron.
Naturally, she wants the manager! Oh wait, that's you, LET'S GO HIGHER! I want YOUR manager! You want the distract manager? The guy reknowned for being a number one a-hole? Sure. Go ahead. At this point, I don't care because I just want to get this lady out of my store.
So I give her the number for Customer Service, since I can't actually give out my district manager's number. I call him and tell him to give her a call later. So she calls customer service while she's still in the store (on our phone), and customer service basically tells her that she's shit out of luck and go take your meds, you crazy bitch.
She storms out of the store and everyone in the store, even the customers, give a collective sigh of relief.
But no! Later she calls and complains about our receipt, because it says that we return defective merchandise and HER ROCKBAND IS DEFECTIVE DAMMIT. Oh my God, seriously woman. She demands that I change the receipt. That I personally change the receipt. Um. What? I can't do that. For one thing, it's pre-printed on the tape. For another - you are not getting it. We do return defective merchandise! But not Rockband! The manufacturer won't LET us! ARRRGHHH.
I kind of get bitchy with her, bad service on my part, and I just say, "Yes, I'll do that." And then she says, "TODAY!" and I'm like, "Um. Right." And she's like, "You're just saying that!" and I'm like, Yes, yes I am. But instead I say, "No, I'll call the district manager and let him know." And she's like, "NOW!!" And we finally hang up and I'm just left going - really?
Top two craziest customers I ever had at EB (not including the guy who stole a PS3, but he wasn't really a customer since he didn't actually buy anything, but his and his cohort's scam was pretty well thought out... Would have worked too, if it weren't for those meddling police.) I wish I could have video taped their insanity. It would have been epic. And what I wrote was seriously long, but it feels good to get those out there.
I miss working at EB. I miss selling video games to nerds and geeking out over stuff with other people. But I especially miss my awesome team (sadly, none of them still work there. They've been replaced with soulless retail slaves.) <3 It still makes me rage to think that all it took was one person to bring everything down. On the other hand, I LOL over the fact that she said I basically did nothing for the store but after I quit, broke down because she couldn't handle all the work I did. Which was, oh, everything. And yet I still loved that job. It kills me that I have all this experience running a store, but no one will hire me because as far as they know, all I was as an Assistant Manager.
Is it lying if I just put 'Manager' on my resume? I was a manager, just not the manager...