(no subject)
I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. Is it normal to stay awake for so long? Yesterday I didn't go to bed until shortly after noon and then woke up at about six (but I woke up briefly at two before that.) It's now passed eleven and although I've been lying in bed for the better part of five hours, I haven't fallen asleep. I reckon it's my computer and how I seem to be completely attached to it, like it's an extra limb.
I've been reading a book on my laptop that is sort of sexually frustrating, and also really weird. It's the true diary of a girl, you may have probably heard of it, and it just makes me wonder, do women really do that? She talks about relationships and sex - mostly sex - and she does everything and I just can't imagine it. I am so strictly vanilla, it's probably not funny (or probably maybe is.) I've always thought of myself as pretty open, but reading this makes me realize that that is not so at all. At all.
But it also makes me miss having a boyfriend, having someone to cuddle and talk to in the dead of night and having someone to comfort you when you're not feeling yourself. It makes me miss him. It's so frustrating to miss someone that you want to completely forget. I always feel like I talk about him too much, like mentioning that he's still alive and that I spent a year with him probably makes people think I'm pathetic. I don't think I am. I mean, how do you forget someone you loved? But I still feel like I'm being judged when I mention it. And yeah, I do miss him. People think he was a complete douche and kind of dorky and not worthy of me or whatever, but I think that's completely biased. Yeah, I can honestly admit I'm not physically attracted to him - I never really was. But that was okay, that wasn't what made him him. He was sweet and funny and outgoing and maybe over confident, but that sort of worked with my crippling shyness. Personality wise, we really meshed well together.
It's a shame that our life goals that neither of us will probably ever achieve are what tore us apart. Also his parents. I honestly can't understand how a parent would force their son or daughter to leave their significant other just because they didn't like them. Just because they didn't think they were good enough. If your son or daughter is happy, why should it matter? Of course, then it comes down to the fact that I never really knew what he was telling his parents about me, so maybe he wasn't happy. I just wish I knew. Maybe it would make me feel better about the whole thing. Probably not.
Sometimes I just wish I could meet him in the street and tell him that. I wish I could tell him that I do miss him, but I'm glad we're not together anymore. I wish I could tell him that I'm sorry for being clingy, but that wasn't how I meant it at all and that I never would have stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do. I wish I could tell him that I supported him one hundred percent and I wish I could tell him that he should do whatever it is that he wants and listen to no one, because it's his life. I want him to learn that it's his happiness that matters. And I know eventually he will, but I want him to understand that money can't buy you happiness. Being rich and successful will never amount to anything if you don't have someone you can share it with or someone who loves you completely.
It's kind of sad, really. I pity him. I wish people wouldn't say bad things about him (that's for me to do.) It honestly makes me feel like they're saying bad things about me because I did love him and respect him and he was, for a while, one of the very best friends I had. When people insult him, they insult me. But it's hard to tell people that without them getting the wrong idea. I'm still pissed at him. He still did some pretty shoddy things to me. But I can't think badly of him. I just can't.
It's funny that a book about a sex worker would make me think these things. And I still think people will judge me and say things like 'Oh Jami, get over him!" But people never really get over anyone that comes into their lives like that. As they shouldn't. I learned a lot of things. I learned love isn't instantaneous. I learned that you should always look out for number one, because in the end, it's your life and it's you who counts. I learned that boys tend to be misguided and lie to protect you, to keep from hurting you, even if it's wrong. I also learned that you should never let a boy stay over at your parents house for more than one night a week, even if it means having sex in the back of a car.
It seems thinking deep thoughts makes me sleepy. Or maybe that's because it's almost noon and I've been up for eighteen hours.
But seriously, I want to find a boy and put all my deep thinking into him and I want him to love me for it. But I think, it's going to take a little bit for me to fall in love again. I think that is part of my problem - I am distrustful of men. I know what they're like. They're not all bad. Far from it. But when you let someone into your life like that, they can so easily hurt you without meaning to.
And by the by, if it's of any consequence, dating Shane is officially out of the question once and for all. I'm tired of being tugged around. Honestly, if anyone is a good for nothing, it's him. Who asks a girl out on a date and then doesn't call her again to set up the details? It's like promising a child a cookie and then holding it in their reach but not giving it to them. And then eating it. It's frustrating and kind of humiliating. If you're a guy reading this, don't ever, ever do that. It's the worst feeling in the world to have a guy ask you out but never contact you again. It's worse than not asking a girl out at all. It's giving her that hope and then saying that 'Yeah, no, you're not worth it after all.'
There's that and I found out he slept with a married woman in Texas. Texas. Where everyone owns large guns. Not only is his morally ambiguous, but he's stupid.
Hum. I should probably go put my clothes in the dryer so I have some pants to wear when I go home and possibly stop to fill up my car.
I've been reading a book on my laptop that is sort of sexually frustrating, and also really weird. It's the true diary of a girl, you may have probably heard of it, and it just makes me wonder, do women really do that? She talks about relationships and sex - mostly sex - and she does everything and I just can't imagine it. I am so strictly vanilla, it's probably not funny (or probably maybe is.) I've always thought of myself as pretty open, but reading this makes me realize that that is not so at all. At all.
But it also makes me miss having a boyfriend, having someone to cuddle and talk to in the dead of night and having someone to comfort you when you're not feeling yourself. It makes me miss him. It's so frustrating to miss someone that you want to completely forget. I always feel like I talk about him too much, like mentioning that he's still alive and that I spent a year with him probably makes people think I'm pathetic. I don't think I am. I mean, how do you forget someone you loved? But I still feel like I'm being judged when I mention it. And yeah, I do miss him. People think he was a complete douche and kind of dorky and not worthy of me or whatever, but I think that's completely biased. Yeah, I can honestly admit I'm not physically attracted to him - I never really was. But that was okay, that wasn't what made him him. He was sweet and funny and outgoing and maybe over confident, but that sort of worked with my crippling shyness. Personality wise, we really meshed well together.
It's a shame that our life goals that neither of us will probably ever achieve are what tore us apart. Also his parents. I honestly can't understand how a parent would force their son or daughter to leave their significant other just because they didn't like them. Just because they didn't think they were good enough. If your son or daughter is happy, why should it matter? Of course, then it comes down to the fact that I never really knew what he was telling his parents about me, so maybe he wasn't happy. I just wish I knew. Maybe it would make me feel better about the whole thing. Probably not.
Sometimes I just wish I could meet him in the street and tell him that. I wish I could tell him that I do miss him, but I'm glad we're not together anymore. I wish I could tell him that I'm sorry for being clingy, but that wasn't how I meant it at all and that I never would have stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do. I wish I could tell him that I supported him one hundred percent and I wish I could tell him that he should do whatever it is that he wants and listen to no one, because it's his life. I want him to learn that it's his happiness that matters. And I know eventually he will, but I want him to understand that money can't buy you happiness. Being rich and successful will never amount to anything if you don't have someone you can share it with or someone who loves you completely.
It's kind of sad, really. I pity him. I wish people wouldn't say bad things about him (that's for me to do.) It honestly makes me feel like they're saying bad things about me because I did love him and respect him and he was, for a while, one of the very best friends I had. When people insult him, they insult me. But it's hard to tell people that without them getting the wrong idea. I'm still pissed at him. He still did some pretty shoddy things to me. But I can't think badly of him. I just can't.
It's funny that a book about a sex worker would make me think these things. And I still think people will judge me and say things like 'Oh Jami, get over him!" But people never really get over anyone that comes into their lives like that. As they shouldn't. I learned a lot of things. I learned love isn't instantaneous. I learned that you should always look out for number one, because in the end, it's your life and it's you who counts. I learned that boys tend to be misguided and lie to protect you, to keep from hurting you, even if it's wrong. I also learned that you should never let a boy stay over at your parents house for more than one night a week, even if it means having sex in the back of a car.
It seems thinking deep thoughts makes me sleepy. Or maybe that's because it's almost noon and I've been up for eighteen hours.
But seriously, I want to find a boy and put all my deep thinking into him and I want him to love me for it. But I think, it's going to take a little bit for me to fall in love again. I think that is part of my problem - I am distrustful of men. I know what they're like. They're not all bad. Far from it. But when you let someone into your life like that, they can so easily hurt you without meaning to.
And by the by, if it's of any consequence, dating Shane is officially out of the question once and for all. I'm tired of being tugged around. Honestly, if anyone is a good for nothing, it's him. Who asks a girl out on a date and then doesn't call her again to set up the details? It's like promising a child a cookie and then holding it in their reach but not giving it to them. And then eating it. It's frustrating and kind of humiliating. If you're a guy reading this, don't ever, ever do that. It's the worst feeling in the world to have a guy ask you out but never contact you again. It's worse than not asking a girl out at all. It's giving her that hope and then saying that 'Yeah, no, you're not worth it after all.'
There's that and I found out he slept with a married woman in Texas. Texas. Where everyone owns large guns. Not only is his morally ambiguous, but he's stupid.
Hum. I should probably go put my clothes in the dryer so I have some pants to wear when I go home and possibly stop to fill up my car.