(no subject)
Ugh. I've been feeling off lately. Mostly just super tired. And then on the way home from work today it hit me. I'm not sleepy or really even physically exhausted - I'm depressed. It's weird that I didn't even realize I was depressed until today. I've been going on a week where I've just been dragging myself from place to place, sleeping way more than usual and feeling tired. And I've had this wicked pressure behind my eyes that has been making me more and more agitated, and I've only just now realized it's a breakdown I've been holding back and once I realized it was depression, it just came flooding through the gates.
Honestly, though, it's never felt like this. Maybe it's partially PMS, but PMS has never really been like this either. It's like this overwhelming mix of despair and horrible emotions. I've lost my happy and I don't know where it's gone.
Of course, I'm fairly certain I have nothing to be really depressed about (besides the usual: overweight, ugly, hate my job, lonely, etc.) The worst part is I know I need to just break down and sob my heart out for a good hour or two and then tomorrow I'll feel like crap, but the next day I'll be better. But I can't cry. I mean, I was talking to my dad on the phone and I almost started, but I don't know. Something is holding me back. It's just like, CRY DAMMIT.
This is where a movie like My Sister's Keeper would come in really handy.
Honestly, it's this pressure behind my eyes that's driving me nuts. Is it possible for like, the part of your body that stores your tears or whatever to..like... fill up? It sounds retarded, but that's honestly what it feels like. And I don't know what to do. Fuck my life.
But I've noticed lately that I've been more anxious lately. Like, I don't want to go out and do anything. The idea of getting a new job makes me want to crawl into a hole again. I think I need to up the dosage of Celexa, but is this what my life is going to be like? Constantly upping the medication when I start feeling depressed? It's like after a year or two, my body becomes immune and needs more. It's what happened with my Paxil and... God I hate this. Why can't I be a normal fricken human being? And why does everyone have to make me feel like a freak for it?
Sigh.
I really want a new job. I want so badly to quit working for my dad, but I can't and it's so frustrating! And then the idea that Veronica might not come back to work freaks me out because I know my dad will try to keep me on. And I can't say no to him. He's my dad. But I hate this job so much. It's literally driving me insane. I'm fairly certain my job is the biggest reason I feel like shit. Not to mention sitting at a desk all day has made me so lethargic, I can barely summon the energy to go shopping or spend a day outside with my pets. It's gross and horrible and I hate it. I feel pinned down by the lack of energy to do anything. Blargh.
Anyway, I'll stop whining and sim. And maybe bang my head against the desk a few times.
Honestly, though, it's never felt like this. Maybe it's partially PMS, but PMS has never really been like this either. It's like this overwhelming mix of despair and horrible emotions. I've lost my happy and I don't know where it's gone.
Of course, I'm fairly certain I have nothing to be really depressed about (besides the usual: overweight, ugly, hate my job, lonely, etc.) The worst part is I know I need to just break down and sob my heart out for a good hour or two and then tomorrow I'll feel like crap, but the next day I'll be better. But I can't cry. I mean, I was talking to my dad on the phone and I almost started, but I don't know. Something is holding me back. It's just like, CRY DAMMIT.
This is where a movie like My Sister's Keeper would come in really handy.
Honestly, it's this pressure behind my eyes that's driving me nuts. Is it possible for like, the part of your body that stores your tears or whatever to..like... fill up? It sounds retarded, but that's honestly what it feels like. And I don't know what to do. Fuck my life.
But I've noticed lately that I've been more anxious lately. Like, I don't want to go out and do anything. The idea of getting a new job makes me want to crawl into a hole again. I think I need to up the dosage of Celexa, but is this what my life is going to be like? Constantly upping the medication when I start feeling depressed? It's like after a year or two, my body becomes immune and needs more. It's what happened with my Paxil and... God I hate this. Why can't I be a normal fricken human being? And why does everyone have to make me feel like a freak for it?
Sigh.
I really want a new job. I want so badly to quit working for my dad, but I can't and it's so frustrating! And then the idea that Veronica might not come back to work freaks me out because I know my dad will try to keep me on. And I can't say no to him. He's my dad. But I hate this job so much. It's literally driving me insane. I'm fairly certain my job is the biggest reason I feel like shit. Not to mention sitting at a desk all day has made me so lethargic, I can barely summon the energy to go shopping or spend a day outside with my pets. It's gross and horrible and I hate it. I feel pinned down by the lack of energy to do anything. Blargh.
Anyway, I'll stop whining and sim. And maybe bang my head against the desk a few times.