(no subject)
Dear LJ,
Why do boys suck so hard and make girls lives so complicated? They show you how sweet they can be, how lonely life is without them, and then they fuck you up to the point where your confused and a dribbling moron.
I'm so confused right now. I don't know whether to angry, sad, happy - and it's all his fault.
So here's the story. We've spent the week together and we decide, well, Kevin, you should spend one night at home. So he goes home and talks to his dad about stuff. I don't know what stuff, only the stuff that involves me. Apparently I am not ambitious, I'm a failure at life because I don't have a job and have no direction in life, no initiative to go out there and do much of anything. His dad convinces him of this. He calls me that night and starts discussing stuff and I know where this is going. I cry all night, hoping and praying Kevin forgets all this stuff and he comes to his senses and that when he comes over the next day, all will be forgotten and he'll want desperately to be with me.
So he comes over after work and I am a big ball of nerves. My stomach is in knots. I haven't eaten all day. I'm watching T.V., to look like I'm not worried at all. But he walks into my room, and says, "Can we talk?" and inside I know exactly what's coming. He sits on my bed, I sit on my desk chair.
"I think you know what I've decided..." he starts, and I can't believe this is how he's going to break up with me. After a beautiful, wonderful eleven months, just another month until our year anniversary, he's going to throw it all away because of something his dad said, planting seeds of doubt in his mind. He keeps saying things like, "I want to help you, but you won't let me." Granted, I don't like talking about my future because I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I want to do. Or, "I want you to do better by yourself."
But then he throws in things like, "I want a comfortable life, being able to do what I want whenever I want. I want to move out, but I can't afford it on my own." And he brings up such materialistic things. This isn't about me doing better by myself. This is about me making more money so that he can have all the little materialistic things he wants in our future.
But I'm not seeing that at the moment, I'm seeing: Oh god, he's breaking up with me. Oh god oh god oh god. I'm hysterical. I don't know what to do with myself. I even had to run out of the room because I thought I was going to vomit. He tries to hug me and I push him away. And then, I tell him that I was going back to school and that I have been trying to find jobs. This isn't a lie, it's just not something he rightly knows at this point.
I was too emotional. I couldn't talk to him anymore, so I told him to get his stuff and get out. I couldn't believe it. First I'd wasted a year at a dead end job, and then a year having fun with a boy I gave my heart to, who apparently was going to give it up for money?
And I screamed into my pillow. I screamed until my throat was dry and I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore. I was so hysterical, I got light headed from breathing so fast and hard. I've never been that upset in my life. The only thing that could come close was when Oliver died. And Kevin left when I told him to.
I had to get my mom to stop me from actually hurting myself. I was so sad and so afraid.
After a while, I calmed down a little bit. I was still crying, but it was not as bad. I texted him to say I could talk now.
We talked about things, and we kind of worked them out. We're not broken up anymore, I guess, but I don't know about anything anymore.
Do I stay with the guy that was willing to throw away my heart for money? Or do I stay with the guy who dotes on me, spouts romantic nonsense to me, the guy who always makes me laugh whenever I'm sad, goes out of his way to make me happy. He just bought me a freaking $90 purse (two days before this) so that he could watch me get mad and ecstatic at the same time. Who, on Valentines Day, took me to Build-A-Bear so that I would have something with me if he ever had to go out of town again.
I mean, I understand where he's kind of coming from. He wants to have his toys. He's just come from having a great paying job up north, to staying in town for his girlfriend. He's put himself in debt (out of his own fault and need for toys), so I can kind of understand it. He wants to know that his future is secure and stable. I want so desperately for him to realize no future is secure and stable, that life is never easy, no matter how much money you have.
I want so desperately for him to love me and want nothing more.
And for his father to keep his stupid fat nose out of our goddamn happiness. It's always him that plants these stupid seeds of doubt in Kevin's head. We were looking at apartments, and we looked at ONE stupid apartment and his dad convinces him it's too expensive.
I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him. I love him. I can't get rid of that, no matter how much I wish I could. But I want to leave him for what he's done to me. For not being able to choose me over money. But I don't think I can go back to being single and alone.
God, I don't know what to do. I love him so much it hurts. But he hurt me so badly, I'm not sure what hurts worse - his betrayal of me, or that I'm so emotionally attached to him that I can't be happy on my own.
Why do boys suck so hard and make girls lives so complicated? They show you how sweet they can be, how lonely life is without them, and then they fuck you up to the point where your confused and a dribbling moron.
I'm so confused right now. I don't know whether to angry, sad, happy - and it's all his fault.
So here's the story. We've spent the week together and we decide, well, Kevin, you should spend one night at home. So he goes home and talks to his dad about stuff. I don't know what stuff, only the stuff that involves me. Apparently I am not ambitious, I'm a failure at life because I don't have a job and have no direction in life, no initiative to go out there and do much of anything. His dad convinces him of this. He calls me that night and starts discussing stuff and I know where this is going. I cry all night, hoping and praying Kevin forgets all this stuff and he comes to his senses and that when he comes over the next day, all will be forgotten and he'll want desperately to be with me.
So he comes over after work and I am a big ball of nerves. My stomach is in knots. I haven't eaten all day. I'm watching T.V., to look like I'm not worried at all. But he walks into my room, and says, "Can we talk?" and inside I know exactly what's coming. He sits on my bed, I sit on my desk chair.
"I think you know what I've decided..." he starts, and I can't believe this is how he's going to break up with me. After a beautiful, wonderful eleven months, just another month until our year anniversary, he's going to throw it all away because of something his dad said, planting seeds of doubt in his mind. He keeps saying things like, "I want to help you, but you won't let me." Granted, I don't like talking about my future because I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I want to do. Or, "I want you to do better by yourself."
But then he throws in things like, "I want a comfortable life, being able to do what I want whenever I want. I want to move out, but I can't afford it on my own." And he brings up such materialistic things. This isn't about me doing better by myself. This is about me making more money so that he can have all the little materialistic things he wants in our future.
But I'm not seeing that at the moment, I'm seeing: Oh god, he's breaking up with me. Oh god oh god oh god. I'm hysterical. I don't know what to do with myself. I even had to run out of the room because I thought I was going to vomit. He tries to hug me and I push him away. And then, I tell him that I was going back to school and that I have been trying to find jobs. This isn't a lie, it's just not something he rightly knows at this point.
I was too emotional. I couldn't talk to him anymore, so I told him to get his stuff and get out. I couldn't believe it. First I'd wasted a year at a dead end job, and then a year having fun with a boy I gave my heart to, who apparently was going to give it up for money?
And I screamed into my pillow. I screamed until my throat was dry and I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore. I was so hysterical, I got light headed from breathing so fast and hard. I've never been that upset in my life. The only thing that could come close was when Oliver died. And Kevin left when I told him to.
I had to get my mom to stop me from actually hurting myself. I was so sad and so afraid.
After a while, I calmed down a little bit. I was still crying, but it was not as bad. I texted him to say I could talk now.
We talked about things, and we kind of worked them out. We're not broken up anymore, I guess, but I don't know about anything anymore.
Do I stay with the guy that was willing to throw away my heart for money? Or do I stay with the guy who dotes on me, spouts romantic nonsense to me, the guy who always makes me laugh whenever I'm sad, goes out of his way to make me happy. He just bought me a freaking $90 purse (two days before this) so that he could watch me get mad and ecstatic at the same time. Who, on Valentines Day, took me to Build-A-Bear so that I would have something with me if he ever had to go out of town again.
I mean, I understand where he's kind of coming from. He wants to have his toys. He's just come from having a great paying job up north, to staying in town for his girlfriend. He's put himself in debt (out of his own fault and need for toys), so I can kind of understand it. He wants to know that his future is secure and stable. I want so desperately for him to realize no future is secure and stable, that life is never easy, no matter how much money you have.
I want so desperately for him to love me and want nothing more.
And for his father to keep his stupid fat nose out of our goddamn happiness. It's always him that plants these stupid seeds of doubt in Kevin's head. We were looking at apartments, and we looked at ONE stupid apartment and his dad convinces him it's too expensive.
I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him. I love him. I can't get rid of that, no matter how much I wish I could. But I want to leave him for what he's done to me. For not being able to choose me over money. But I don't think I can go back to being single and alone.
God, I don't know what to do. I love him so much it hurts. But he hurt me so badly, I'm not sure what hurts worse - his betrayal of me, or that I'm so emotionally attached to him that I can't be happy on my own.