Maybe I should update more often...
and maybe it'd be nice if I had the time to... I was looking through my posts earlier this morning to see if there is anything that I should put on private for those new friends who may be shadowing my journal. I guess almost all of my recent posts have been saved to private anyhow... Sometimes talking to myself is enough, but I always write as though I have readers. too much has been going on for me to get into 30 minutes before my class starts, but I'll get there eventually.
Mostly.. for today.. I need an outlet. My work, lovely guitar center, made me blow a gasket this morning. I KNEW when I woke up that something was just wrong with the day, but I put on a great attitude and went at it all the same. It is one of those days where I seem to drop everything, I bite the inside of my lip (which is really gross and stings like you wouldn't believe), and everyone appears to be angry at me.. or maybe I'm paranoid.
They have me doing solicitation calls to tell customers to come into our store this weekend.
ok.
point - I'm calling customers that are not mine and are clients of our A class GCPRO department.
they don't need sale prices, they get wholesale
I'm calling their work phones because they are all daytime professionals
they've all spent hundreds of thousands of dollars with us, why solicit?
So naturally i have some real pissed off customers. They want to talk to my boss but he is unavailable. They want to yell at me, but I didn't want to call them in the first place.
I don't remember the point when I became panicky. I don't know when I started swallowing repeatedly and getting hot flashes... I'm not even sure when exactly I started shaking
I was going into a full blown panic attack.
I explain to our manager that I have PTSD (post traumatic, though I think everyone knows this already) and that I only agreed to the calls to the point where I start getting anxious. This is a problem for me that prevents me from working many jobs. I don't sell. I don't solicit. I have a hard enough time talking through a closed throat when I have a crush on a guy, how do you expect me to tell other people what they need? really? Here is how our conversation follows:
Me: I can't do this anymore, i'm sorry, I need to work on something else
MGR: whats the problem? you're nervous? so is everyone else. we need those calls done.
Me: This isn't what I agreed to when I was hired, I only did the calls I did as a favor
MGR: everyone here is making calls. we didn't hire any of them to do calls. it's just how it is
Me: I really can't be doing this right now because I'm freaking out. I have ptsd, I panic, and I'm going to faint if I continue being so stressed out.
MGR: how is today different than any other
Me: lack of sleep, nutrition, does it matter? I'm shaking. look at me. sweating and shaking I don't feel right.
MGR: Don't you have medication for this kind of shit? look. just do your job and make the calls. this is ridiculous. If you know it bothers you, then you should have been prepared or you should find another job.
....
ridiculous he says.
The eventual outcome is I throw up and burst into tears. Then I'm told that I'm being childish and dramatic. Evidently my LOUD and DRAMATIC vomit noises bothered my coworkers and customers. Because you know I'm totally capable of just not evacuating when my chest gets tight. I'm sure you see my eyes rolling over the internet right now ha.
I pack my bags and leave. Just like that. I may be written up or fired tomorrow and I swear that I'll make sure that manager is fired with me. Don't I have medications for this? So I am not allowed to make the choice to be off mood altering and habit forming medication? I just have to deal with it. Sure. I'll tell him to just take some morphine when he breaks his arm and can't carry gear. That's fair right?
I had to go to class angry and reeking of vomit. So now I'm stressed, sick, and embarrassed. what a brilliant day.
I'm not too enthusiastic about tomorrow... but I do know that I'm going into hollywood, I'm going to see Taka's band play, I'd really like to have a date but most likely won't, and If I wind up alone I just won't come home. I'll drive myself to santa barbara at 3am and watch the sun rise on the beach. Because really... who would want to join me for that when I'm so childish and dramatic with my fake anxiety disorder right? hahaha.. yeah... i guess now that the day has come to close it's laughable. goodnight darlings.
Mostly.. for today.. I need an outlet. My work, lovely guitar center, made me blow a gasket this morning. I KNEW when I woke up that something was just wrong with the day, but I put on a great attitude and went at it all the same. It is one of those days where I seem to drop everything, I bite the inside of my lip (which is really gross and stings like you wouldn't believe), and everyone appears to be angry at me.. or maybe I'm paranoid.
They have me doing solicitation calls to tell customers to come into our store this weekend.
ok.
point - I'm calling customers that are not mine and are clients of our A class GCPRO department.
they don't need sale prices, they get wholesale
I'm calling their work phones because they are all daytime professionals
they've all spent hundreds of thousands of dollars with us, why solicit?
So naturally i have some real pissed off customers. They want to talk to my boss but he is unavailable. They want to yell at me, but I didn't want to call them in the first place.
I don't remember the point when I became panicky. I don't know when I started swallowing repeatedly and getting hot flashes... I'm not even sure when exactly I started shaking
I was going into a full blown panic attack.
I explain to our manager that I have PTSD (post traumatic, though I think everyone knows this already) and that I only agreed to the calls to the point where I start getting anxious. This is a problem for me that prevents me from working many jobs. I don't sell. I don't solicit. I have a hard enough time talking through a closed throat when I have a crush on a guy, how do you expect me to tell other people what they need? really? Here is how our conversation follows:
Me: I can't do this anymore, i'm sorry, I need to work on something else
MGR: whats the problem? you're nervous? so is everyone else. we need those calls done.
Me: This isn't what I agreed to when I was hired, I only did the calls I did as a favor
MGR: everyone here is making calls. we didn't hire any of them to do calls. it's just how it is
Me: I really can't be doing this right now because I'm freaking out. I have ptsd, I panic, and I'm going to faint if I continue being so stressed out.
MGR: how is today different than any other
Me: lack of sleep, nutrition, does it matter? I'm shaking. look at me. sweating and shaking I don't feel right.
MGR: Don't you have medication for this kind of shit? look. just do your job and make the calls. this is ridiculous. If you know it bothers you, then you should have been prepared or you should find another job.
....
ridiculous he says.
The eventual outcome is I throw up and burst into tears. Then I'm told that I'm being childish and dramatic. Evidently my LOUD and DRAMATIC vomit noises bothered my coworkers and customers. Because you know I'm totally capable of just not evacuating when my chest gets tight. I'm sure you see my eyes rolling over the internet right now ha.
I pack my bags and leave. Just like that. I may be written up or fired tomorrow and I swear that I'll make sure that manager is fired with me. Don't I have medications for this? So I am not allowed to make the choice to be off mood altering and habit forming medication? I just have to deal with it. Sure. I'll tell him to just take some morphine when he breaks his arm and can't carry gear. That's fair right?
I had to go to class angry and reeking of vomit. So now I'm stressed, sick, and embarrassed. what a brilliant day.
I'm not too enthusiastic about tomorrow... but I do know that I'm going into hollywood, I'm going to see Taka's band play, I'd really like to have a date but most likely won't, and If I wind up alone I just won't come home. I'll drive myself to santa barbara at 3am and watch the sun rise on the beach. Because really... who would want to join me for that when I'm so childish and dramatic with my fake anxiety disorder right? hahaha.. yeah... i guess now that the day has come to close it's laughable. goodnight darlings.