suicide1
I am begining to have suicidal thoughts again for some reason. I hate having depression. I know that I have it. It is just too obvious when you cut yourself to feel better, or look up chemicals to drink that will kill you. Or something of the nature. I really miss winter. This song really reminds me of winter, most likeley because thats when I bought it. I miss this one guy Mike who is really close to me. He is one of the 3 people (if even that many) who keep me alive. I mean nothing can stop me from cutting myself, or attempting it at all. I just feel the need to do it. It hurts everyday for me to live. I wouldn't care if I lived in another world or still exsisted. I just dont want to be here. I dont want to have to hurt anymore. When I am able to go to bed with out anyone in my room it feels good to cry till I fall asleep. I usually do if someone is not on my computer which seems to be all of the fucking time. I hate having the SOB in my room cause I never get privacy. Anywho, I also miss being on ecstasy. I get it from my sister who moved out. Her freinds are the coolest though they only really smoke weed, and light drugs. If I knew a distributor, and had the money I would be on that shit most of the time. And it all revolves around being depressed so much. I seriously can't tell you why that I have it or why I am so "dark" and quiet all the time. It just sorta happens. I miss being young as in really young around 4,5 when I didnt have to worry about school, what my future is going to be (that is if I have one) and just the anexiety kills me to. I would love to tell someone, but I dont want them to worry about me hurting myself all the time. That and I seriously don't want my family to find out. Because to them I am a happy person, just really quiet and shy. Though they dont know well actually no one really knows what is going on half the time in my head. It would be nice to get help, it is like reaching for the very fadded light at the end of a tunnel, trying to strech your arms as far out as possible. But, you can't reach it. You have too many obsticles to beat. Most of them being your own mental thoughts about how people are going to see you, and what will happen. It is scary to me to even think what my family would think if they knew. And there is NO way at all to get help or anything of the nature with out family knowing at my age. It really sucks. I often wonder what it is like to be a normal person. To not be so morbib all the time in your own little world. And I notice that I do that so much. I stay secludded in my room, I dont want to talk to anyone, I hate living with my parents and my sister. I want to live by myself, in an apartment BY MYSELF. That way, I wouldn't have to wait hand and foot on BS, have to talk to anyone, and I could do whatever I want. My sister says that she got lonley so much when she lived by herself and that I would to if I did. MY ASS, I would love it so much. As long as I had a boy freind and a decent paying job I would be a whole lot happier than what I am now. THATS WHAT IT IS! Being lonley. I never feel loved by any. And all it would really take is one. A boy freind. Who wouldnt cheat, see my as a peice of ass or any of that shit. I have been used, wanted to been used, hurt, crushed, and stepped on too much, and way too hard. That is what must be causing my pain. But it isn't from one person. It is just something.
I dont know. But I remember this one guy Jess who I still talk to who gave me my first and only kiss. It moved me so much that I cried. I miss him so much, the only time that I get to see him is when he is down on like Christmas. When he sees his parents who live just down the street (see December 25,2003 entree for story)
I dont know. But I remember this one guy Jess who I still talk to who gave me my first and only kiss. It moved me so much that I cried. I miss him so much, the only time that I get to see him is when he is down on like Christmas. When he sees his parents who live just down the street (see December 25,2003 entree for story)