Broken part II
“Sir, we have been unable to find the Colonel since yesterday. The rest of SG1 has joined in the search since the Doctor cleared them. We have been to Colonel O’Neill’s house, his fishing cabin and even a camping spot in the mountains where Daniel said they have stayed a few times. He isn’t answering his phone or the pager. There are no hospitals with records of a visit from Colonel O’Neill, or any man fitting his description coming in for treatment for a bad cut.”
“Thank you, Major Feretti. There is one place that you have not been. His ex-wife’s house, the one that they shared while they were married. I think it would be better if SG1 went since they have met her before. Granted that was years ago, and since then she has married, but familiar faces may relieve her fears.”
Arriving at her house, Daniel looked around the neighborhood. There were people mowing lawns and sitting on their porches, while the smell told him that more than one person was barbecuing that day. This, he realized, was what he had looked for since he was a child. His parents’ jobs had not given it to him when he was young, but he had found it for a year on a distant planet called Abydos, thanks to a woman named Sha’re. His eyes moistened at the thought of her, and the realization that Jack had had it for a longer time, until the day in June of 1996 his son played with his gun. He always wondered whether it really was true that it was better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
They rang the doorbell and Sara O’Neill, no Sara Warren, answered the door. The blond woman looked a little older, but happier, than the last time they had seen her. But when she saw them, her face tightened.
“He’s dead, then?”
“No, Mrs. Warren!” Sam hastened to reassure her.
“We’re just trying to find him. Umm, he’s needed at the base and he’s not answering his phone. We’ve been everywhere we think he may be, but we hope you may know...” Daniel explained. For someone who hated lying he could be surprisingly good at it when the situation called for desperate measures. And this was quickly becoming a very desperate situation. He of all people knew what Jack could be like when he lost control.
“How long have you been looking?” Sara asked. It was obvious that she knew something, and the team relaxed. It appeared as if Jack was finally within their grasp. They quickly told her that he had last been seen at the barbecue the day before.
“I can tell you where he went after that. Look, I happen to think that whenever he takes a break he has to be pretty exhausted and I don’t know whether I should be telling you anything. The thing that bothers me is that it was raining yesterday, and if I know Jack, which I should since we were technically married for fifteen years, and really married for thirteen, he spent all night outside. By our son’s grave, to be exact. He would have been fifteen yesterday.” As Daniel and Sam looked at each other in shock, she continued. “He was supposed to be here today. I’m moving, and I need to clean up Charlie’s room. I made extra copies of our pictures and videotapes, and I sorted out the stuff I want to keep and the stuff I think we should give away. Jack already sorted out the stuff he wanted to take but he was going to pick everything up and take it home today. He didn’t show up, and I am a little worried. Send him over here when you find him.”
As they drove off, Daniel banged his head against his window a couple of times. Sam, who was driving, took her eyes off the road to give him a weird look, but Teal’c, in the back seat, was the one who finally questioned him.
“Daniel Jackson, why are you inflicting pain upon yourself?”
“His son’s grave. How could we have been so stupid as to forget to look there? I mean, we should have thought that maybe Jack would go to the cemetery, especially if something was bothering him and he didn’t know what.”
“Daniel Jackson, that is incorrect. His son’s grave is the last place that I would expect Colonel O’Neill to go if he was violent,” Teal’c argued, in his calm, logical way.
“Unless, he isn’t violent,” Sam spoke up, in that excited tone she always used when coming up with some explanation for a problem that was confusing everyone around her, Daniel realized with a sad smile. What does Jack call it? Carter mode? “No, think about it Daniel. There is another side to the Colonel, one you know a little better than the rest of us. He has the tendency to be violent, but when it comes to children, especially his son, he is very vulnerable. The chemical he exposed us to intensified certain character traits of ours, and suppressed others. With me, I became more scientific minded and less ethical. You became more obsessed with the part of you that wants recognition for what you are doing, regardless of the fact that you know what could happen if anyone found out about the Stargate. Teal’c was hit with the urge to become more human, but most of the time he is more interested in ways to fight the Goauld. But now, Teal’c has gotten into the whole Fourth of July thing, and the planet we just went to, P24667, was scientifically speaking fascinating. It was not so great from an archeological point of view so you were never very interested in it, Daniel, but next week there is that reunion thing planned and we both know that you’re not going to get much respect from those ex-classmates of yours. Although the Colonel does have a plan to deal with that...”
“What plan? What does Jack have in mind? SAM!”
“I do not see how that influences the current situation Daniel Jackson. Major Carter, what is the point of your theory?”
“Well, Teal’c, this chemical is not affecting our characters but what is the most important issue on our minds right now. Technically, it is affecting our hormones, thereby affecting the way we think or act regarding those issues. And in the Colonel’s case, the issue that he is dealing with is his son’s birthday. Now, we all know he blames himself for what happened. So how do you think this chemical is treating him right now?”
“Sam, you’re right. I do know the other side to Jack better than you guys, and I can tell you he probably feels a lot of guilt for practically everything that has ever happened to anyone he worked with. The thing is that he also gets really depressed... We need to find him, NOW!”
They went to the cemetery and Teal’c found traces that Jack had been there, until the rain had stopped. Their hearts full of worry for their friend and Commander, they returned to the base just in time for the General to get the call from a local hospital. Someone had found the Colonel’s car.
Janet and SG1 accompanied the General to the hospital. While Janet spoke to the Doctor the rest of Jack’s friends waited anxiously. Daniel looked at Sam and in her eyes he saw what he was feeling, what Teal’c was better than both of them at masking: worry and guilt. They should have been there, they should have known, but most of all, they should have stopped him. But Daniel was also angry with Jack.
You should have told someone. His birthday couldn’t have been an easy day to sit through but you should have shared it with us. Damn it, Jack! We’re supposed to be your friends. We’ve shared so much. You were there for me when I lost Sha’re, all the times I lost her. And I could have lost her to the Goauld forever. But then, thanks to the fact that you chose to be the Goauld’s biggest irritation, you let me be with her when she died, when Teal’c freed her from them. And you led me to her child, the day you showed your overwhelming trust in me. You put down your gun when I asked you to. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that. I knew what that cost, because I know you. And I love you. You’re the brother I never had, even in Skaara. You’re the friend I never had, in Sha’re and Sarah, and you’re the last person I ever expected to become the closest friend in my world. And I let you walk through that door. I’ll never forgive myself if that accident wasn’t an accident, but suicide. And neither will Sam. Sam, who will go to her grave saying that she cares for you as a friend and the best CO she’s ever had. Sam, who is like a sister to me, and hasn’t fooled me for a minute. And then there’s Teal’c. Whose only ambition in life is to die serving you against the Goauld. We’re a weird set of people, and we need you to bring us together. We need you to make us laugh just when we think we’ll never laugh again. We need you to find ways out of situations where we think that we’ll never come home again. Most important, we need you because there are days when we all feel alone, and then you invite us over for pizza and beer and we talk together as if we’ve known each other forever. And in a strange way, we have. Because we all fill something that we never even knew we needed. We’ve become a family. And so far, we’re like the only SG team who has never lost anyone permanently to death, dishonesty or ’snakes.’ Let’s keep it that way.
Teal’c startled Daniel when the Jaffa sprang to attention like a wound-up toy. Strange analogy. Pay attention Daniel, it’s Janet. The doctor looked exhausted, as she had been testing the team and staying alert, waiting for news of the Colonel for over 24 hours. But there was something else that everyone saw, and that was grief. Immediately, they thought the worst, but they weren’t prepared for what she would tell them.
“He’s alive. But don’t sigh your relief just yet. The accident was remarkably benign, considering the fact that he banged into a tree. There are nothing more serious than cuts and bruises on his arms and legs, except for a sprain on his left wrist. He was wearing his seatbelt, and that probably saved his life. The only problem is that he didn’t have side airbags, and the impact threw him against his door. His wrist came under the rest of his body, and that caused his sprain. We managed to treat his infected hand and there should be no complications, although it is possible that the fever from the wound caused the accident. But... his head also hit the door, and that’s where the danger lies.”
“What is his condition, Doctor?”
“General...” There’s no way to sugarcoat this, Janet. “I’m afraid the Colonel is in a coma.” At her news, Daniel got up and walked to the window of the waiting room, but didn’t see a single plant or flower in the lush garden that could be seen below. Sam began to suggest a variety of solutions in a voice that trembled almost imperceptibly, the General sighed and sat back, and Teal’c simply bowed his head. Janet’s heart ached for them. The years had taught her that there would be no wild explosions from any of them besides the man who was unable to make them right then, but still they all felt so much. She quickly tried to explain the situation to them.
“The thing is that I don’t know what to do. I don’t think that there is anything I can do. I don’t think that there is any brain damage. The impact caused a temporary swelling that has since gone down. By all rights the Colonel should be up and about with just a hint of a headache, but there is the problem of the chemical he was infected with.”
“He doesn’t want to wake up...” Sam breathed, tears in her eyes at the horrible realization.
“Right.”
“What do we do?”
“Daniel, we have to bring him back. I can’t use the medication I used on you because of his head injury. So we have to convince him that he wants to live. We have to make want to wake up. If he doesn’t by morning, the medication will wear off, but his body will start to shut down first. And then there will be permanent damage.”
“Let’s call his wife!” Daniel said excitedly.
“Ex-wife.” Sam corrected, and then blushed as everyone else looked at her strangely. “I mean, will she make him want to live, considering their history?”
“We have to try. At least we know that he didn’t crash into the tree on purpose, he was just sick from the hand. But if you’re planning to get him to the base, Janet...”
“I have to, Daniel. It’ll be easier to keep an eye on him and deal with any surprises the chemical might give us. Plus, we don’t have to worry about Teal’c being seen.”
“Take him, Doctor Frasier. I’ll deal with any security issues with the Colonel’s ex-wife.”
After transporting Jack to the base, where they could watch him easily, they called Sara, but she refused to come to meet them. “I’ve put in my time by Jack O’Neill’s side, holding his hand in a hospital. I’m not going through this again. Give me updates on his condition, but I won’t go there. This is a hard time for me too, and even though I’ve forgiven him I can’t sit there and tell him he has a lot to look forward to. The truth is that I’m the last person to do that. I have nothing to do with what he might have to look forward to. Please, don’t ask me again. I have to be with my family. Don’t call back, unless something happens.”
As she put down the phone, Sara lowered her head into her hands.
“Well, that’s that.” Daniel said with a sigh. “Now what?”
“That bitch!”
“Sam, really!”
“Come on, Daniel, you can’t tell me you don’t think the same.”
Teal’c interrupted them before Daniel could deny Sam’s accusation half-heartedly. “Why can we not be of assistance? We are certainly good friends with the Colonel and we can tell him that his presence is essential to success in our missions.”
“Teal’c, you’re right about the fact that we are friends.” And his presence is definitely essential to more than the missions, but don’t go there, Sam. “But we are not the problem. His grief is over his son. And we weren’t part of that life, that family. We can’t help him deal with something that we have no idea how to deal with. None of us were there. We need to have some way of getting into his head.”
“Perhaps I can help you with that.” A Goauld voice behind them made them jump and then Sam’s face was split by her first smile in hours.
“Dad! Oh, Selmac!”
He bowed his head, and when he looked up he was Jacob Carter again. After returning his daughter’s embrace, Jacob explained that he had decided to visit for two weeks unexpectedly. “I was on a Tok’ra mission and to plug up a security leak we had a lockdown. All of us had to be either on the base or on a safe planet, and I thought it was time to meet my grandchildren again. I already met with the General, and he sent me to the infirmary. Selmac heard you talking, and I think her idea is worth mentioning.”
“Go on.”
“Do you remember that memory device Hathor, the Tok’ra and Apophis used? Because of the mission I just completed, I am carrying one of them right now. It can be connected to your television and you can see what the Colonel is thinking of. For privacy reasons, I would recommend that only his team and the Doctor should be present. As that device can be triggered, you all can think of ways to make his thoughts reassuring. Bring his mind to recent events, not past tragedies.”
“Dad, the Colonel is a very private person. I don’t think he would ever forgive us.”
“From what I have heard, you don’t have much of a choice.” The Tok’ra took control again.
“Samantha, your father believes that the Colonel would be even more adverse to the idea of being judged mentally incapable of working here.”
“Actually, sir, if he remains in a coma too long, he may suffer from physical problems too. In layman’s terms, parts of his body may just stop working,” Janet added.
Daniel looked at his teammates. “I guess we don’t have much of a choice. Janet, Teal’c, Sam and I should be alone with him after you install the device, Selmac.”
Ten minutes later, her friends around her, Sam made the necessary adjustments to begin their difficult trek into Jack O’Neill’s head. Behind her, she heard Daniel softly whisper, “God, help us.” Immediately, there was a strange whooshing sound, and the TV came on.
“Oh God help us!” Sara screamed, as Jack wove through traffic in his desperate rush to get to the hospital. His son opened his eyes, and for the first time since the gunshots, Charlie’s parents sighed in relief. They thought that the fact that he woke up was a good sign. But then their hearts broke as their little boy whispered almost inaudibly, “Mommy, help me...” As his eyes closed, both parents were sure, somehow, that their son would never open his eyes again. But that did not stop them from running up the steps and handing their boy to medics. They stood outside; watching through a glass window as doctors tried to revive their son. Sara gave a keening cry as she watched them prep the defibrillator. Beside her, Jack did not move or make a sound. His face was blank, but when Charlie’s body jerked he began to sweat and a muscle throbbed in his jaw. A nurse tried to pull them away, but they would not leave, and they could not be moved. After what seemed like hours, and at the same time nanoseconds, the doctors put down their instruments. Another nurse wrote something down, but their vision was obstructed by one of the doctors, who was walking towards them...”
“Enough!” screamed Sam. “This is just what we are trying to avoid. Say something else. Daniel!”
“What?” he asked. His mind was confused by the images he had just seen on the television screen. Teal’c sat motionless. As usual, his face was expressionless, but his eyes were closed. Daniel ran his hand through his hair and realized that it ached from the strength with which he had been grasping the top rungs of the chair he stood behind. Sam was standing on the other side of the hospital bed, her face twisted, but Daniel didn’t think she knew that she was also crying. So was Janet, who was kneeling beside Jack, reading his pulse. “Sam, what can I say?”
Jack’s mind flashed back to the day after he had mopped up the blood. His team and Doc were forced to watch Sara scream at him, and for the first time they truly understood the burden he bore every day. Because however much she blamed him, anyone who knew him knew that he would blame himself a thousand times more. That flashback ended with him asking Sara the exact same phrase: “Sara, what can I say?”
That prompted another flashback, one where he had been at a similar loss, but now it was the time when he needed to know what to believe. He took his friends to Hell, and the time when Apophis gave him the blood of Sokar. When it was over, his friends were in shock. Sam felt stupid and guilty. All along, she had thought that Apophis threw a painful memory at her, but in reality he had been far more brutal when dealing with Jack. At least she had known that she made peace with her father, but Jack had been forced to remember a confrontation for which there hadn’t been time for a happy ending. Moreover, the fact that Charlie was not allowed to play with a water pistol that day was probably one of the reasons he was curious enough to pick up his father’s gun. Her heart broke at the moment when Jack asked Charlie/Apophis: “Can’t we just play ball?”
“Old memories... I know, what about Sara? How did you meet Sara, Jack?
It was a military party, like a ball. Couples were dancing, handsome men in uniforms were flirting with pretty young women and older men with medals strapped to their chests were laughing as they discussed old battles at a time when war was still glorious. Jack was standing there, looking young and happy in a way no one at the SGC had ever seen him. He was talking to another man, who looked up and smiled sardonically at something the Colonel said.
Daniel’s heart almost stopped as he recognized the man Jack was talking to. It was Charlie Kawalsky, and this must have been about twenty years ago. The sight of the friend he had made and lost so quickly, looking so eager and naive about the experiences that he would face, that would lead to his death, was tragic and yet uplifting at the same time. Teal’c was conscious of regret, and guilt, at this view of a boy who he would later kill, while Sam remembered both the way the Major had irritated her with his teasing and impressed her with his easy acceptance when they first met. She also couldn’t help thinking of the time they met when he and the AU Sam visited her reality, and he had taken such good care of her. But all of them also faced the truth that Jack had never told them the truth of the extent of his friendship with Major Kawalsky. Now they would finally see what their relationship really was like when they weren’t being fired on.
“Hey, Jack, wanna blow this ‘party?’ My grandmother’s last birthday showed more action.”
“Can’t, a new group of girls just walked in. Kawalsky, I have just spent the most grueling six months of my life learning tactics and carrying out missions for double-breasted politicians who gobble up millions of votes by sitting in an office and waiting for people like me to get them what they think the people want, or die trying. Do you know how long it has been since I have been with a woman? And I’m talking about more than just a physical relationship.”
“Jack, we’re just 25, and it’s 1981. Let’s leave it at physical for the time being, and there are a lot better places to get some physics lessons.”
“I’m not talking marriage, man. I just want someone who will actually think of me once I leave. The kind of girl every soldier dreams of leaving at home, so that he has something to look forward to. And that’s the kind of girl who usually comes to a fancy-do like this one. What d’ya think Money Penny?
The beautiful black woman, about their own age, standing next to Jack threw back her head and laughed. She reminded him that he was a little chauvinistic in his stereotyping soldiers as men, especially since she was right there, and she was very much a soldier. She went on speaking, but nothing she said was imprinted on Jack’s memory. Because that was the moment he saw Sara.
A beautiful woman who looked about twenty-two or three was sitting on a table right in front of them. Despite the fact that her friends were talking and giggling loud enough to attract the attention of every hot-blooded young man for miles, she was focused only on the gorgeous man in front of her. She had pale blond hair flowing straight down her shoulders to her waist, and she was wearing a short black dress. Her make-up had been applied flawlessly, and she was young enough to have her head turned by the admiring glances that so many threw her way, but she had eyes only for Jack. Slowly he walked towards her, and asked her to dance. Jack did not hear her mumbled answer, but he felt it in the trembling hand she placed in his grasp. They walked onto the dance floor, and it was as if they had been moving together forever.
Whoosh!
Memories flashed almost faster than the people trying to control them could see. But they were lovely reflections of a life that at one time must have been perfect. It appeared as if they had won. Jack was finally remembering the good times. Sara, her hair flying out as she ran with Jack to a nearby cafe to avoid a sudden downpour. Their first time together, on an old rug under the stars. After, lying in each other’s arms, pledging their love for each other. The wedding, with Kawalsky as best man, and the first to kiss the bride, whose maid of honor was the woman Jack had called Money Penny, a name Sam recognized from the James Bond films. Scenes from a pregnancy that both parents couldn’t have been happier about, and then the birth of Charles Jonathon O’Neill. Then there was a conversation outside the hospital nursery where Jack asked Kawalsky and Money Penny to be godparents, but this time he just called the woman Pen. With them was a much younger Frank Cromwell, who hugged Jack with tears in his eyes as he and his wife accepted the role of guardians of Charlie should anything happen to his parents. Then there were the bittersweet flashes from Charlie’s childhood: first steps, first words and the first game of baseball. A toddler, on his father’s shoulders, trying to hold on and jump up and down at the same time. Then there were memories of a young boy perfecting his pitching with a loving father, and recovering from what was obviously a tonsillectomy while Jack stood beside him, holding at least a dozen quarts of different flavors of ice cream.
Flash! Kawalsky stood in Jack’s garden, and swung Charlie up in his arms. The little boy laughed dizzily, his arms stretched out, almost touching the sky. Flash! Jack stepped out of the military car, and before he had taken more than a few steps, the front door opened. Sara smiled and ran towards her husband, and then jumped into his arms, and he twirled her around, hands at her waist. Behind her was a little blur of energy that coalesced into a boy, jumping up and down with impatience while his parents kissed. As soon as his father released his mother, Charlie jumped high into his father arms and rested there. They touched foreheads as their worlds were, once more, just right.
Flash! A group of soldiers in their mid to late-twenties walked out of a bar, laughing in a way that told all observers that they were completely smashed. One of them, Jack, had his arms around Frank Cromwell and Pen, and was telling them a story (making three of the listeners in the infirmary blush, while the fourth merely looked confused). Beside Pen stumbled Kawalsky, who joined in the narrative with glee. Flash! The same four people were standing in a jungle, in heavy camouflage, with faces almost hidden by paint and serious expressions. They fanned out and Jack was soon alone. All that could be heard was the sound of his own breathing, in a place that should have been echoing with the noises of nature. Suddenly, out of the thick air a man appeared, his gun ready to fire. Jack shot first, and the man fell, never to fire that last shot. It became obvious that the first man was just a decoy, as suddenly Jack was surrounded by six men wearing the same uniform as the first. Daniel, Janet and Sam had never seen that uniform before. With reflexes that showed his friends just how good Jack was, he disabled five men before the sixth could even fire, but when he turned to the last man, he faced the end of a long rifle, and his own weapon was facing the ground. He stood straight, ready to die with pride, when there was a cracking sound, and the man in front of him was thrown onto the jungle floor. He turned, and there was Pen. “Guess you saved my a-again.”
She smiled. “Don’t worry; I’ll always have your back.”
Flash! A little boy, almost too thin, played in a trailer park with stones and trash, which included syringes and empty bottles and cans that once carried alcoholic beverages. He was about five, but there was a very mature look in his familiar brown eyes, one of which was swollen and puffy. The clothes he wore bespoke of the poverty that so many Americans live in, but others find easier to ignore, and his nose was running, but there was no one to wipe it away. Suddenly a teenager walked up, and the boy’s face broke into a wide smile. “Joey! Joey! Joey!” He yelled, and ran into the arms of a boy who could have been a younger version of Jack, except for his blue eyes.
“What’s with the eye? Dammit Jonathon, didn’t I tell you to stay away from Dad when he got drunk? You just never listen.”
“When you didn’t come home last night...”
“You thought I was gone? Jonathon, I will always come back, no matter how far I go. You’re the only brother I got.”
“You’re the only brother I got too.”
“I promise you now, here, that I will never leave you alone.”
Flash! “Jon, listen to me! No, listen! I worked hard for you to get that bike, and now you have to listen to me so you can learn how to use it.”
The teenager held his little brother steady, and sternly lectured him on how to control his descent on a bike that looked so old and broken-up it was almost amazing that it was standing.
“I’m not going to let go of you. Now, come on!” With identical war cries, the brothers took off. When it was obvious that Jon was riding on his own, Joey let go and watched as his sibling remained on his seat. “You’re riding! You’re riding! Yeah!” His fist in the sky, Joey screamed his joy as Jon turned around, and began to circle him. On and on he cycled, around his proud brother, until the circle was so small the bike tipped over and Joey had to grab onto Jon or watch him crash onto the floor. They lay on the ground, laughing hysterically, and it looked as if they were almost crying.
“There’s something wrong. The chemical, it’s like a virus. It’s trying to adapt. To fight what you guys are doing. I think it has control!” Janet warned, as the machines attached to Jack’s body suddenly started beeping.
Part III