(no subject)
i guess i'm in a wierd sort of mood.
well, more of a thinking sort of mood.
i've come to a few conclusions:
i have to wash my hair.
i feel semi alone in the world.
i'm too good at making things either too simple or too complicated.
my first conclusion was sort of self explanitory, so i'll elaborate on the second and third ones. lately i kind of feel like i have no one to talk to. like with all of the people that surround me, i feel like no one understands me. well, not even that, more along the lines that i guess i just dont give people the chance to understand me. i'm afraid to let people in because i'm afraid they'll be disappointed by me and my personality. i worry constantly what others think about me. i'm too paranoid, and lately i've been pushing everyone away because i just assume they'd rather not be around me anyways. i know in my heart that matt loves me, but whenever he gets sort of mad or annoyed i automatically assume that he doesn't care about me anymore or that i did something wrong. i basically gave up trying with most of my friends, and it would be easy just to blame it on them, but eventually it just comes down to the fact that i am just too lazy and afraid of rejection to make the effort. i feel like no one notices that i'm not around and that's why they dont call me. and when they do, i rarely call back. mostly because i can't even imagine a good reason why they would want to call me in the first place. on top of everything, i feel like i'm still becoming closer to some people. it's nice to know that certain people i can call up to go out and just hang around when i get lonely. but i still find myself just kind of floating around with no real passion for anything. i used to be the type to hold on to everything and everyone, not being able to let go of anyone, but lately i find myself going in and out of some friendships so non chalantly that it scares me. maybe everything is just so much simpler than i make it out to be, or maybe it's just too difficult for me and so that's why i push myself into my own little hole, just choosing not to deal with anything. like, example A: jill's party. as much as i didn't feel good, and didn't have a ride, i still wanted to go, SO BAD. it was exciting to be invited into a new group of people. but then my stupid nervous self over thought the entire process and i got really scared of going. i was afraid that i'd isolate myself and no one would talk to me and i wouldn't know anyone and that i'd feel stupid the whole time. but then i think maybe if i could have gone i would have had an alright time? i dont know. i just am sick of holding myself back with fears and inhibitions. so sick of it. like i'm missing out on so much of life. i could be having a great time but i ruin everything with either not caring enough or caring too much.
fuck it, i'm done.
♥
well, more of a thinking sort of mood.
i've come to a few conclusions:
i have to wash my hair.
i feel semi alone in the world.
i'm too good at making things either too simple or too complicated.
my first conclusion was sort of self explanitory, so i'll elaborate on the second and third ones. lately i kind of feel like i have no one to talk to. like with all of the people that surround me, i feel like no one understands me. well, not even that, more along the lines that i guess i just dont give people the chance to understand me. i'm afraid to let people in because i'm afraid they'll be disappointed by me and my personality. i worry constantly what others think about me. i'm too paranoid, and lately i've been pushing everyone away because i just assume they'd rather not be around me anyways. i know in my heart that matt loves me, but whenever he gets sort of mad or annoyed i automatically assume that he doesn't care about me anymore or that i did something wrong. i basically gave up trying with most of my friends, and it would be easy just to blame it on them, but eventually it just comes down to the fact that i am just too lazy and afraid of rejection to make the effort. i feel like no one notices that i'm not around and that's why they dont call me. and when they do, i rarely call back. mostly because i can't even imagine a good reason why they would want to call me in the first place. on top of everything, i feel like i'm still becoming closer to some people. it's nice to know that certain people i can call up to go out and just hang around when i get lonely. but i still find myself just kind of floating around with no real passion for anything. i used to be the type to hold on to everything and everyone, not being able to let go of anyone, but lately i find myself going in and out of some friendships so non chalantly that it scares me. maybe everything is just so much simpler than i make it out to be, or maybe it's just too difficult for me and so that's why i push myself into my own little hole, just choosing not to deal with anything. like, example A: jill's party. as much as i didn't feel good, and didn't have a ride, i still wanted to go, SO BAD. it was exciting to be invited into a new group of people. but then my stupid nervous self over thought the entire process and i got really scared of going. i was afraid that i'd isolate myself and no one would talk to me and i wouldn't know anyone and that i'd feel stupid the whole time. but then i think maybe if i could have gone i would have had an alright time? i dont know. i just am sick of holding myself back with fears and inhibitions. so sick of it. like i'm missing out on so much of life. i could be having a great time but i ruin everything with either not caring enough or caring too much.
fuck it, i'm done.
♥