Sleepless Here (and many ramblings)
I've been in a dual world out here, brain out west, heart somewhere else.
Should have kept the bottle down, should have listened to a girl.
Should have prepped better before I left: she was right, oh God she was right.
Didn't believe her then: starting to now...
Didn't feel deserving. Couldn't help but fight the help: every step felt in way too deep.
Oh grace: will you feel the same way? (Why do we ever turn away..)
Didn't feel deserving: gotta fight to feel so well.
A house, a car, a job, a dog. (Another doctorate calling, oh how it made you panic: 2012, you often feel so close..)
You wanted to do something so outlandish, that it would HAVE to work or fail....didn't you?!? (Just playing games, you jackass, if only to watch the world burn, because of you for a change.)
Dear God, whomever, wherever you are, how your heart must ache with hers. I should have wrote to you, called to you, told you how I was feeling. But you knew, watching amongst the sleepless trees. I tried music,
So now I turn the phone off when I go home at night. Its glass surface has the same twist turn that the booze does, feel just as dangerous when not the news.
Its not the screen, its the head. Its not the heart, its the way you've been feeding it.
She tried, you fool: are you trying to enjoy this?
You weren't thinking then: you are now. You'll need strength now, to admit you were weak. To let oh so much go.
To even fight your anger.
These aren't hard, but require vigilance! Quit sleeping in the garden.
Are you looking for a 'second trying': you didn't deserve the first! Bitching and moaning the the fantasy, when you should be watching at your feet, the dirt; every careful step to take.
You didn't pester the living soul, you instead bitched and moaned to the win! Well God's given you a start of health now, and.
She was loving. You expected it, sure: overwhelmed by her kindness, unsure of how to step up. Start with love! Start with listening...
You wanted to late, then take a ride. You wanted to make her them: they are gone. You were starting to burn them, you should have kept going!
I cant believe she worries its her! (Is this high-school: have I ever left, the way of hurting love?) Its you, you, you debate on whether or not its sickness, but....step up!
When I sit with God, why does God not cry? (Why does she not scold, or weep). There is strength there, and even as a vessel I feel weak.
"See, I'm in love with how your soul's a mix of chaos and art
And how you never try to keep 'em apart
To all the stars that light the road
Don't ever leave that girl so cold
Never let me down, just lead me home" - tis a good lyric: make it real. Make you real, for a change.
Burn in a different way: brand yourself deep.
Walk those tired roads, boy, you go walk out in the cold...