(no subject)

[indras_net]

i am still a little bewildered that my father passed away just a few days ago, the day i wanted to speak to him so very badly. this door that i was trying to collect the strength to approach is now gone. speaking with my cousin, i learned that the last few years of my father's life were very rough. he was paranoid and had even been living on the streets for a time, homeless. near palo alto. he didn't have any other family besides my cousin, and in a loose way -- me. i could have reached out earlier. maybe it is arrogant, but i feel i let this man pass unaccompanied in his last days. i am sad. and a little angry, mostly at myself.

i went home from work a little early. a bit out of focus, but i felt fine. as soon as i got in my car, my tears told me otherwise. then nauseua took over. thinking of this man living on the streets, probably not far from where i would meet friends and drink wine. then stoicism would enter -- what right do i have to mourn this mans loss, if i hadn't even bothered to unwrap my self-importense for a breif enough time to try to find him? and who was i too think i would have made a difference?

but then i would think of just holding his hand. even if he didn't remember who i was.

then tears again. i expect these feelings will cycle for a bit. for now, i am just tired.

i am grateful to have this LJ outlet.