need to work on the uppercut
Let's try this again.
Every time I open up this thing, I imagine some long ass entry all about my state of mind - the what, the who, the when and the why. I think that I can get back to where I was mentally. I just...I expect too much.
Really, my goal is just to get back into the habit of writing. I need to vent shit somehow. It's scary because very recently I took into consideration something that I'd never before even fathomed the possibility of not laughing at. Therapy sessions. *shudder* It fucking embarasses me to leave behind viewable evidence that such a thought crossed my mind - even if only for an absent-minded moment.
But...I guess I should take more out of that than just disgust. I really do carry a lot of stuff with me. And I haven't been willing to discuss my own shit with another person since...what, sophomore year in high school - roughly 5 years ago? I told myself that it isn't worth it to dump my drama on others. I said that I'm no kind of friend to leave my insignificant worries in the head of someone that I tell myself that I care about (this might actually validate the therapy process to me, if I were willing to not urk over the thought...troubling a random stranger who I could give a shit about is a world away from bothering a friend with my nonsense). Granted, I've never stopped myself from encouraging others to share their shit with me. So there's a level of hypocrisy there that could be held against me in debate.
Anyway, I just think it would somehow be healthy for me to write out completely unfiltered reviews of my life. It's done me some good in the past. I've looked back at plenty of things I've written in the past and gained clarity and perspective through the words I chose back when the past was the present.
So uh. Yeah. This morning was really ass for a multitude of reasons. Most of them being direct results of me just beating myself up mentally. A few of them involving further disgust in myself for the things I HAVEN'T been doing. And then there's the odd combination of...I don't know what to call it.
_One person has been an amazing friend to me for years and years. I haven't really hung out with, talked to or shared anything relevant with her in a long time and...I don't really miss her. I feel like shit for saying that, because I know I SHOULD. I know that I have every reason in the world to. I know that right now is basically the perfect opportunity for us to "catch up" on things. I know for goddamn sure that I've been a dick both through action and inaction to this person. A true and wonderful human being that I just can't seem to care all that much about, despite my best efforts. But...I'm hoping that will change. All it really takes is the first step.
_Another person was pretty much an ass to me from day 1 day 2. I bitched and complained about how terrible this person was for me. I went on and on in my head trying to convince myself that things would be so much better for me were she out of the picture. For a long time, I felt like I was just borderline tolerating her presence until the day came that I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. But ever since that day came, I've missed the shit out of her. Situations bubble up where I just realize that x would be so much better if she were involved. I've stopped myself a couple times lately and tripped over the thought that I'd be having more fun if she were around. And like...gah, I have every reason in the world to want nothing to do with her. I know that I SHOULDN'T miss her like I do. It would just be such a terrible idea to get back into contact, but it's all I seem to want to do. She's such a confusing and messy person, but I can't seem to make myself lose interest...despite my best efforts.
So there's that.
She was my muse, though. For all the negatives, I always had that from her. Losing that is perhaps the greatest contributor to my emptiness. Meh.
Every time I open up this thing, I imagine some long ass entry all about my state of mind - the what, the who, the when and the why. I think that I can get back to where I was mentally. I just...I expect too much.
Really, my goal is just to get back into the habit of writing. I need to vent shit somehow. It's scary because very recently I took into consideration something that I'd never before even fathomed the possibility of not laughing at. Therapy sessions. *shudder* It fucking embarasses me to leave behind viewable evidence that such a thought crossed my mind - even if only for an absent-minded moment.
But...I guess I should take more out of that than just disgust. I really do carry a lot of stuff with me. And I haven't been willing to discuss my own shit with another person since...what, sophomore year in high school - roughly 5 years ago? I told myself that it isn't worth it to dump my drama on others. I said that I'm no kind of friend to leave my insignificant worries in the head of someone that I tell myself that I care about (this might actually validate the therapy process to me, if I were willing to not urk over the thought...troubling a random stranger who I could give a shit about is a world away from bothering a friend with my nonsense). Granted, I've never stopped myself from encouraging others to share their shit with me. So there's a level of hypocrisy there that could be held against me in debate.
Anyway, I just think it would somehow be healthy for me to write out completely unfiltered reviews of my life. It's done me some good in the past. I've looked back at plenty of things I've written in the past and gained clarity and perspective through the words I chose back when the past was the present.
So uh. Yeah. This morning was really ass for a multitude of reasons. Most of them being direct results of me just beating myself up mentally. A few of them involving further disgust in myself for the things I HAVEN'T been doing. And then there's the odd combination of...I don't know what to call it.
_One person has been an amazing friend to me for years and years. I haven't really hung out with, talked to or shared anything relevant with her in a long time and...I don't really miss her. I feel like shit for saying that, because I know I SHOULD. I know that I have every reason in the world to. I know that right now is basically the perfect opportunity for us to "catch up" on things. I know for goddamn sure that I've been a dick both through action and inaction to this person. A true and wonderful human being that I just can't seem to care all that much about, despite my best efforts. But...I'm hoping that will change. All it really takes is the first step.
_Another person was pretty much an ass to me from day 1 day 2. I bitched and complained about how terrible this person was for me. I went on and on in my head trying to convince myself that things would be so much better for me were she out of the picture. For a long time, I felt like I was just borderline tolerating her presence until the day came that I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. But ever since that day came, I've missed the shit out of her. Situations bubble up where I just realize that x would be so much better if she were involved. I've stopped myself a couple times lately and tripped over the thought that I'd be having more fun if she were around. And like...gah, I have every reason in the world to want nothing to do with her. I know that I SHOULDN'T miss her like I do. It would just be such a terrible idea to get back into contact, but it's all I seem to want to do. She's such a confusing and messy person, but I can't seem to make myself lose interest...despite my best efforts.
So there's that.
She was my muse, though. For all the negatives, I always had that from her. Losing that is perhaps the greatest contributor to my emptiness. Meh.