chris..
I felt like a bit of an ass today.
A few days ago Chris had a review meeting, he has one every once in a while when a psychologist sees him and judges wether or not to change his medication or level of medication.
My father and I both went with him to kind of give testimony about him.
In the meeting it came out that I get bothered when Chris is banging on my door every five minutes during the entire day and night (quite literally sometimes).
I mean honestly, anyone would.. I seriously doubt I could find anyone in the world with that kind of patiance, I've tried really fucking hard and over six years it kind of wears you down to your last nerve on occaision.. sometimes when he knocks over and over wanting to talk to me I feel like answering the door and screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FUCKING NOW?" but I don't.. I don't ever really lose my temper with him.. the most I've ever got is a bit pissy from time to time when not only is he knocking on my door every five minutes but then demanding that I be fucking happy about it (like genuinely.. he'll get so beyond mad with me sometimes because I'm not smiling at him or I don't sound happy or something and honestly, I'm not a smiley person and I don't sound happy about most things.. it doesn't mean that I don't get happy about things, I just don't get excited about things too often).. well sometimes it really does rub me up the wrong way.
Anyways.. in that meeting his counselors and psychologist both said that he should cut down the amount of times he comes banging on my door, like to stop relying on me so much for support.. and he decided he would just come banging on my door once a day and otherwise leave me alone.
I doubted it would happen.. but then the next few days he really did make an effort and just knocked on my door once a day, which was crazy.. because you honestly have no idea how much he does knock on my door sometimes.. and at the most awkward times too and he wont take a hint when you don't answer the door because you're in the middle of something and he'll stand there and start shouting my name and banging on the door more.
I mean it gets a bit fucking much from time to time.
But today he started knocking on my door again a few times and after about the fourth time today I mentioned that he had knocked a bunch of times today and he obviously took offense, said sorry and said he'd let me get back to what I was doing and then didn't answer me as he walked away.
I mean I genuinely feel like an ass.. but god I do not want it going back to the way it was a week ago.
I don't know.
This all has to come to an end sometime and sometime has to be soon.
He keeps talking about moving out and getting his own place but then a week later he changes his mind and decides to leave it up to me.. for me to say to him when I'm sick of living with him and I want my own space.. I've been sick of it for years now but I have a hard time bringing myself to say it to him.. I always felt that by saying it to him that I was abandoning him somehow and he couldn't cope for himself.
But the three months in America showed me that he could cope on his own, it may have been rough and he may have been a bit worse towards the end of the three months but he managed and coped decently..
It makes me think that it's not that he can't cope for himself on his own, it's much more likely that he really just doesn't want to cope on his own while it's easier to fall back on someone else to do the job for you.
God I feel so shitty whenever I think of leaving him though, but I know sometime very soon it's going to happen.. I just can't take all the crap that comes with him being around for much longer and Michelle being here just makes me realise just how bad it all is.. like I see the complete mess that he makes in the house and the crap that his old friends constantly cause around here.. and the guilt trips he plays and just everything.. I still want to help him and I feel so crappy about the idea of leaving him on his own.
I don't know.
I really want to move out.
But I'm terrified of the idea of him turning into a complete mess on his own.
God I wish I had a crystal ball to look into to tell me what would happen if I left him on his own.. just so I'd know.
A few days ago Chris had a review meeting, he has one every once in a while when a psychologist sees him and judges wether or not to change his medication or level of medication.
My father and I both went with him to kind of give testimony about him.
In the meeting it came out that I get bothered when Chris is banging on my door every five minutes during the entire day and night (quite literally sometimes).
I mean honestly, anyone would.. I seriously doubt I could find anyone in the world with that kind of patiance, I've tried really fucking hard and over six years it kind of wears you down to your last nerve on occaision.. sometimes when he knocks over and over wanting to talk to me I feel like answering the door and screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FUCKING NOW?" but I don't.. I don't ever really lose my temper with him.. the most I've ever got is a bit pissy from time to time when not only is he knocking on my door every five minutes but then demanding that I be fucking happy about it (like genuinely.. he'll get so beyond mad with me sometimes because I'm not smiling at him or I don't sound happy or something and honestly, I'm not a smiley person and I don't sound happy about most things.. it doesn't mean that I don't get happy about things, I just don't get excited about things too often).. well sometimes it really does rub me up the wrong way.
Anyways.. in that meeting his counselors and psychologist both said that he should cut down the amount of times he comes banging on my door, like to stop relying on me so much for support.. and he decided he would just come banging on my door once a day and otherwise leave me alone.
I doubted it would happen.. but then the next few days he really did make an effort and just knocked on my door once a day, which was crazy.. because you honestly have no idea how much he does knock on my door sometimes.. and at the most awkward times too and he wont take a hint when you don't answer the door because you're in the middle of something and he'll stand there and start shouting my name and banging on the door more.
I mean it gets a bit fucking much from time to time.
But today he started knocking on my door again a few times and after about the fourth time today I mentioned that he had knocked a bunch of times today and he obviously took offense, said sorry and said he'd let me get back to what I was doing and then didn't answer me as he walked away.
I mean I genuinely feel like an ass.. but god I do not want it going back to the way it was a week ago.
I don't know.
This all has to come to an end sometime and sometime has to be soon.
He keeps talking about moving out and getting his own place but then a week later he changes his mind and decides to leave it up to me.. for me to say to him when I'm sick of living with him and I want my own space.. I've been sick of it for years now but I have a hard time bringing myself to say it to him.. I always felt that by saying it to him that I was abandoning him somehow and he couldn't cope for himself.
But the three months in America showed me that he could cope on his own, it may have been rough and he may have been a bit worse towards the end of the three months but he managed and coped decently..
It makes me think that it's not that he can't cope for himself on his own, it's much more likely that he really just doesn't want to cope on his own while it's easier to fall back on someone else to do the job for you.
God I feel so shitty whenever I think of leaving him though, but I know sometime very soon it's going to happen.. I just can't take all the crap that comes with him being around for much longer and Michelle being here just makes me realise just how bad it all is.. like I see the complete mess that he makes in the house and the crap that his old friends constantly cause around here.. and the guilt trips he plays and just everything.. I still want to help him and I feel so crappy about the idea of leaving him on his own.
I don't know.
I really want to move out.
But I'm terrified of the idea of him turning into a complete mess on his own.
God I wish I had a crystal ball to look into to tell me what would happen if I left him on his own.. just so I'd know.