argh...
.
4 maybe 5 hours of sleep, each night, for the past week...
it's catching up to me, I'm burning out now. i can't sleep.
i fucking hate sleep.
i wish i didn't need it.
what a waste of time.
i wish i had some broadband net coverage here... this dial-up blows.
I think I've decided to bartend again, if this job with Steven's brother doesn't work, that's what I'll do. The job with steven's brother starts at $50,000 a year. that would be nice.
Maybe i'll go to louisiana, and get that diving job my brother was talking about... or the oil rig, that's $40,000 for 6 months of work.
____________________________________________
what's wrong with me?
why don't I trust people?
why couldn't i trust Bravard while she was with me...?
not a, "is she cheating on me?" kind of distrust, it was a "I don't know if I can let her into my heart/mind." kind of trust...
Why couldn't i trust her while we had eachother?
I knew she was sincere.
...now she won't answer the phone when I call her. won't call me back, no text messages... We had just gotten to talking again, then my mom butted herself in. just fucking great, thanks mom.
I don't even think she wants to be friends anymore after that.
I don't know how to feel about this. I don't know if my mom should deserve my ire or not. I didn't have anyone to talk to about problems for a while, so i was calling my mom. I didn't realize that would hurt things. I will never share personal information like that again, not with my family. never again.
I don't know if i went far enough away, I've never had my heart broken into so many pieces before. Everyone i talk to says that they would have done the same thing in my shoes... I keep thinking I did wrong.
I think she had given up on us before i said anything. I think i just beat her to the words... I didn't mean to say it. I was speaking in anger. I didn't know how much I truly loved her until she was out of reach to me.
My mom compared her to my ex once, "you remember all the trouble you had with her...", she said to me.
I had to set it straight before it went any further. If I forgot everything I'd ever experienced with the ex, I wouldn't miss that chunk of my life in the slightest, and I wouldn't be affected in the least.
If someone took so much as one minute of my time with Bravard in exchange for 50 more years added to my life, I'd tell 'em to "keep it and fuck off, I'd rather suffer this pain than lose a moment of her."
I need to get my motivation back... job, gym, then I don't know what else, but I need to find a reason soon. go pick up a $1000 check tomorrow. then... job.
I see all the lush green that is Savannh, all around me, but I have yet to enjoy it.
I suck.
.
4 maybe 5 hours of sleep, each night, for the past week...
it's catching up to me, I'm burning out now. i can't sleep.
i fucking hate sleep.
i wish i didn't need it.
what a waste of time.
i wish i had some broadband net coverage here... this dial-up blows.
I think I've decided to bartend again, if this job with Steven's brother doesn't work, that's what I'll do. The job with steven's brother starts at $50,000 a year. that would be nice.
Maybe i'll go to louisiana, and get that diving job my brother was talking about... or the oil rig, that's $40,000 for 6 months of work.
____________________________________________
what's wrong with me?
why don't I trust people?
why couldn't i trust Bravard while she was with me...?
not a, "is she cheating on me?" kind of distrust, it was a "I don't know if I can let her into my heart/mind." kind of trust...
Why couldn't i trust her while we had eachother?
I knew she was sincere.
...now she won't answer the phone when I call her. won't call me back, no text messages... We had just gotten to talking again, then my mom butted herself in. just fucking great, thanks mom.
I don't even think she wants to be friends anymore after that.
I don't know how to feel about this. I don't know if my mom should deserve my ire or not. I didn't have anyone to talk to about problems for a while, so i was calling my mom. I didn't realize that would hurt things. I will never share personal information like that again, not with my family. never again.
I don't know if i went far enough away, I've never had my heart broken into so many pieces before. Everyone i talk to says that they would have done the same thing in my shoes... I keep thinking I did wrong.
I think she had given up on us before i said anything. I think i just beat her to the words... I didn't mean to say it. I was speaking in anger. I didn't know how much I truly loved her until she was out of reach to me.
My mom compared her to my ex once, "you remember all the trouble you had with her...", she said to me.
I had to set it straight before it went any further. If I forgot everything I'd ever experienced with the ex, I wouldn't miss that chunk of my life in the slightest, and I wouldn't be affected in the least.
If someone took so much as one minute of my time with Bravard in exchange for 50 more years added to my life, I'd tell 'em to "keep it and fuck off, I'd rather suffer this pain than lose a moment of her."
I need to get my motivation back... job, gym, then I don't know what else, but I need to find a reason soon. go pick up a $1000 check tomorrow. then... job.
I see all the lush green that is Savannh, all around me, but I have yet to enjoy it.
I suck.
.