weekly spat
I'm afraid I'm ruining my life because I'm being irresponsible and I'm letting things go that I've cared about so much but I just can't hold onto anymore. I miss my mom and my sisters so much, but its so hard to only be able to talk to them when theyre on skype. I miss having someone to talk to about everything and I realized that when Kusse came. I've had the most ridiculous week of my life and it was amazing and I'll never forget it. I like writing in my journal but sometimes I wish I was saying all of this to a person. No, I don't think writing about drinking all the time makes me cool or better than anyone. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm being an idiot, but I really don't care and sometimes I wish I did.
I'm sorry that I hurt him but I wish he could see what a jerk he's being to me, and no one talks to me like he did. I do have a lot of patience when it comes to that boy, and I've always felt that its worth it to just suck it up and be frustrated if it means that the other person will feel better. Sometimes you just need to say exactly how you feel, justified or not, to someone who has hurt you, and I understand that, and I know he doesnt mean a lot of what he says. But so many times we forget that we struck first, we hurt first, and our blind sense of pride will just cause us to lash out in indignation. And he just can't see that, and I know its not my problem but I always feel like I can do something to help. Maybe thats my problem.
Is it better to bottle things up, realizing their futility, or speak your mind to someone, getting everything off your chest but knowing it will push them further away? I've gotten really good at biting my tongue. I respect my mom so much because my dad will just be really unfair sometimes and she will 'take the cross' as she says and bear it because that is her cross to take. and just say amen to it.
I'm scared that my perfectionist attitude is deteriorating and annoying as it is, I would kind of like it to stick around. Its one of the only things that I feel allows me not to be like everyone else because I don't have all that much else in my favor. People know me as a smart girl with good grades and what if I can't live up to that anymore...its exhausting to be an assumption. Its not as if I would ever get to the point where I'm not doing my work, but I've always gone above and beyond so its expected of me to do more than just okay. But what if I can't. And my parents will have nothing to be proud of me for. I'm realizing the seriousness of the fact that I feel defined by my gpa and its scaring the crap out of me. Its not ok to just 'be,' I have to be something great and what if I can't. And I become something on the list of financial and emotional worries that they have to deal with.
I just talked with my mom and I love her and she makes things so much better. I do over worry about things, but sometimes just going with the flow makes me feel like I'm drowning.
I'm sorry that I hurt him but I wish he could see what a jerk he's being to me, and no one talks to me like he did. I do have a lot of patience when it comes to that boy, and I've always felt that its worth it to just suck it up and be frustrated if it means that the other person will feel better. Sometimes you just need to say exactly how you feel, justified or not, to someone who has hurt you, and I understand that, and I know he doesnt mean a lot of what he says. But so many times we forget that we struck first, we hurt first, and our blind sense of pride will just cause us to lash out in indignation. And he just can't see that, and I know its not my problem but I always feel like I can do something to help. Maybe thats my problem.
Is it better to bottle things up, realizing their futility, or speak your mind to someone, getting everything off your chest but knowing it will push them further away? I've gotten really good at biting my tongue. I respect my mom so much because my dad will just be really unfair sometimes and she will 'take the cross' as she says and bear it because that is her cross to take. and just say amen to it.
I'm scared that my perfectionist attitude is deteriorating and annoying as it is, I would kind of like it to stick around. Its one of the only things that I feel allows me not to be like everyone else because I don't have all that much else in my favor. People know me as a smart girl with good grades and what if I can't live up to that anymore...its exhausting to be an assumption. Its not as if I would ever get to the point where I'm not doing my work, but I've always gone above and beyond so its expected of me to do more than just okay. But what if I can't. And my parents will have nothing to be proud of me for. I'm realizing the seriousness of the fact that I feel defined by my gpa and its scaring the crap out of me. Its not ok to just 'be,' I have to be something great and what if I can't. And I become something on the list of financial and emotional worries that they have to deal with.
I just talked with my mom and I love her and she makes things so much better. I do over worry about things, but sometimes just going with the flow makes me feel like I'm drowning.