(no subject)
dont you just love it when you get so wet, you feel so bad, you look so terrible, that you just want to lose yourself. roll down a dirty, wet hill. get totally wasted. eat 1000 chocolate bars. throw yourself off the bleachers. scream at people. just go off. i wish i could say my hair and face are wet just from the rain, but that would be a complete and utter lie. i'm really fucking sad right now. and really fucking annoyed that no one cares about it. about me. i really hate people right now. and how they don't give a flying rats ass about me. it was my birthday yesterday. and my fucking closest friend at school didn't know. and acted all fucking surprised and shit when she found out. i hate fake people. i hate this. it all sucks. so much. i drove home in arkady's car with his parents and said not two words to them because i was looking out the fogged up window secretly crying and trying to conceal it in front of everyone. and i did a fucking good job of it. and no one cares at all. and i was hit in the head by a fucking gravestone at the football game. and i was the only one who actually wanted to watch the fucking game. sometimes, i wish i was older so i could lie around naked all day, but other times, i just want time to stand still. sometimes i wish i could go back to those days in 7th grade, those years just frozen in time, frozen will everything else moves toward and changes and heats up. I wis I could melt that ice and go back to it, reconnect with it, live it, but its so distanced now, and i don't have a chisel and even if i did have one, there wouldn't be anyone to cheer me on over on the sidelines. i feel lost on a tempestuous sea. it's as if no one understands me, or wants to, or makes an effort to. and i know i'mm paranoid and a bitch and unkind and awful, and i hate that that is what i've become. she told me yesterday that i was lost, meaning lost in love. but at first, i thought she meant lost in life. and the second description seems more apt. i feel so lost and i can't find my way back to common, happy ground. i am distancing myself from my friends and the people i care about for no reason, or fo stupid, non static reasons. and the further i drift from them, the more unapproachable they become. i wish i had no obligations. i wish i could crawl up into a ball, hold my bunny, wear flannel and just cry my eyes out... more often. all day tomorrow. instead i must work for 12 hours. and be unhappy and poner and romanticize, or de-romanticize, and not talk to him and fucking screw myself in the ass. nothing is constant. i am not constant. and its all my fault, granted, but i just wish someone could help.