(no subject)
so here i sit, in this apartment, which is a mess, listening to music i never thought i'd find myself listening to, eagerly awaiting the arrival of something i never thought i'd be eagerly awaiting, and i find myself contemplating the past and the present. the future means nothing right now, not in this state of mind. my past is something i've had no choice but to run from and and forget, yet i find myself trying to find the girl i once was, all those very many moons ago. innocent in an informed fashion i suppose? maybe? it is true what they say, that ignorance is bliss, but how can one overcome the world if one does not experience all that one may, good or bad? this person i've become, or am becoming is one i had always hated. perhpaps i hated her because i never knew the virtues found within this corruption. the good heart is still here, but i look into the eyes of my friends, the eyes which are my windows to the past, and i find that they view me in a much different light. these eyes that i look into as they look into me make me feel the breeze one feels when something brushes past them, but this breeze, i believe is something make believe, something i believe in so much that its almost real. it turns out the breeze is something created by some fuct up phantasmal memory thats come so close to reality only because of how fucking much i long for it. oh these days, these days that i live in today and tomorrow are so complicated they leave me numb from everything, even enbriation. oh dear sweet enibriation, how i do miss thy feeling. grant me one more night of mournful bliss as i sit, stand, and lay, basking in the state that is escape. what does it say when saying something means nothing, when saying everything makes me feel worse than when i sit, mute, mournful and so close to the edge that it scares even myself. however, the only way i could ever get to this point is, of course, through my own actions, through my own beliefs; it is true when i say that the only person i shall ever fear is myself. i am the one who shall control my own continuity. i am my own leader and i lead myself to follow somthing i've never known before. traveling within and through this strange and distant land is so...beyond articulation. at least until i find the ends of this new earth. here i sit, in this apartment, as i do every night, and i feel this something that reminds all too much of nothing, and this new nothingness makes me feel something from the past, something i've always loathed because its always made me loath myself. how bout i get over this self-pitying rut and walk away with the everything i had once known and just let this this be. my minds thoughts are far too complicated for me to put into words, but then i wonder how i wander through the corridors of my mind and i remember that all i know is what i remember and what i remember is language. so if i think in this language which seems to be natural, but is man made, then why can i not utylize this thing i have learned to describe all the very many things i could teach. so much i have to offer the world, but i find the voice i once had is not nearly loud enough to tell the world what i want to tell it. and what i want to tell it is something i have not yet fully heard, so i shall continue to sit and wait, as the world sits waiting without even realizing it, until the day finally arrives as it brings with it my voice, that i tell the world something that is more than what it already knows. who knows, maybe what i shall say is something that is already there, maybe it is somethign that has been long forgotten, maybe... maybe leaves open so many possibities...my ramble runs on and on and on and on and it never leads me anywhere, it never leads you anywhere, it never leads anywhere except for where it began. this ramble is circular, but all too often do i feel myself on the verge of escaping this monatongy that is my thought process, this circle shall be broken and all that is within it shall be released. i miss my past, but i've come way too far to ever be able to regain what once was. thses songs bring me so close to what is now behind me, but they always end too soon, they always end before i am ready to let go...perhaps my greatest triumph will be finding that girl i once was, after all that i have and shall experience. there was a time when i was happy, there was a time, ther always was a time, but there shall not always be a time to come. this freightful truth is known to all, but accepted by few, and those who do accept it, fear it, for it is something to be feared, but we must all overcome our fears. so fuck anyone who stands in my way? what if who is standing in my way happens to be myself? and when i die i''ll finally be over everything, and when i die i'll finally be able to let go of everything so that i may go back to everything. and i believe it is that reason that i shall live a long, long life.