Youth is wasted on the young

Mar 31, 2016 13:40

If I could have the energy and lack of responsibility of my teen years now, I'd accomplish so much. Or if I could have the sense of self I have now when I was a teen. God, I was so insecure. I knew nothing about anything and thought I was so smart. No matter how much my Aunts told me and showed me it didn't fucking matter what other people thought, be yourself, it didn't sink in until so much later. The stupid shit I cared about when I was a kid....Fuck. I am NOT an old soul, that's for sure. Patience, serenity, and wisdom were never things that came to me naturally. Even now those things tend to elude me most of the time. There was no way my wound up youthful spirit could have sat still long enough to gain any wisdom or feel any serenity.

Now I feel tired and sad all the time. Everything takes so much more energy. My body hurts more easily too. I'm getting fat. I'm exhausted. I have so much more to actually worry about.

Tragedy is now my norm and I have to sift through it all while I deal with my debilitating depression, financial ruin, and zero energy. Giving up feels like the best thing. Giving up is not an option.

I always wonder what I would have been like if I wasn't physically damned to be depressed. I'm a pretty feisty individual. I have a strength of character not typically associated with chronically sad people.

I also wonder if I'll ever feel not sad ever again. I can remember very few times I was truly happy, but I do remember not being completely overwhelmingly distraught. That's how I feel most of the time now. A good day is when I feel almost normal. Level. Functional. Able to cope. Most of the time I can't even. I just can't.
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