Attempt at the conception and absolution of jealousy.
Jealousy to me is the most troubling of the human emotions. I despise myself as a hypocrite whenever I grow jealous.
There was a point in my life in which I had nearly transcended jealousyhood. It was up until Daniel tried to convince me with all of his might that jealousy was not only good, but the only way to be. Now I find myself flawed.
This thought has been growing in my mind since my relationship with Tyler has started to bloom. As an open relationship, I can do whatever I want and so can he. This little understanding has so far proven quite well for the both of us, although I must admit, I have not taken advantage of my opportunites as often as I could have. However I have no yet been faced with a situation in which Tyler has taken advantage of any opportunity whatsoever. He flirts with girls, sometimes. But nothing more.
I think this is spoiling me.
For I just had a dream you see, in which I went with Tyler to a competition and I was one of the contestants. However, Tyler found a very attractive bleach-blonde woman and started canoodling with her right in front of me. I thought they may even have had sex, which fueled my rage. I then proceeded to go to the afterparty, get completely drunk and beat the shit out of Tyler. It was strange, but realistic, aside from flying chairs.
At any rate, I awoke and the feeling of jealousy was keen throughout my body. And I wondered If there would be a time when I would be faced with this. Tyler has been getting more and more attractive (mainly from my help, if I may say so). He got a lovely hair cut, trimmed off that beard, has started to get more confidence and technique. My god, I've been turning him into an attractive man, and I wonder now if this will backfire on me. Shall I live to regret this.
And so I am here on livejournal, choosing to combat the idea of jealousy by attacking it intellectually so that I will not be bothered in the future.
I think the main problem is that I love Tyler, which is a bold statement, but I do not doubt it in the slightest, which I think is testament to its truth. I don't really feel jealousy when someone I'm simply attracted to is attracted to or making it with someone else, unless they are in a relationship and want me as much as I want them, but that's a completely different breed of jealousy.
Loving him causes me to think that someone else may steal him away from me. I become afraid because loving him causes me to need him and to miss him when he's not around. That may, in turn, cause me to feel unloved. Which would cause me to act out negatively. Which is all very hypocritical.
Therefore all I have to remember are truths. 1) I don't require affection to be lavished on me every moment in order to know that no matter what happens he still loves me, and even if he didn't, there would be nothing I could do. 2) All things come to an end anyway, and if this were to be the cause of it, it's not like it would have lasted forever. Sad but true enough to find solice in. 3) Though he is quite comfortable, I can in fact survive on my own, and perhaps would like to instead of living with the same person for my whole life. 4) Any actions that may happen in the future in no way invalidate the actions of the past and how much they meant. 5) Love and lust are limitless things, and their expression is gorgeous, no matter whether if they're with me or not. 6) It would not be wrong of him to do anything he feels. 7) It's a freedom you can allow yourself, or not. 8) Whatever happens, happens.
Perhaps this entry was a bit rash, being spawned entirely from a dream, but I thought I may as well deal with these emotions now and maintain the happiness that is being without jealousy.
Now, small little tidbits that make me happy:
Sex is ensured soon! He is getting viagra, which amuses me as well as relieves me.
We went to Disneyland yesterday and he bought me a shirt which says "I like my boyfriend but I <3 Mickey".
I am going to visit Lance in New York during the summer.
All is well.
There was a point in my life in which I had nearly transcended jealousyhood. It was up until Daniel tried to convince me with all of his might that jealousy was not only good, but the only way to be. Now I find myself flawed.
This thought has been growing in my mind since my relationship with Tyler has started to bloom. As an open relationship, I can do whatever I want and so can he. This little understanding has so far proven quite well for the both of us, although I must admit, I have not taken advantage of my opportunites as often as I could have. However I have no yet been faced with a situation in which Tyler has taken advantage of any opportunity whatsoever. He flirts with girls, sometimes. But nothing more.
I think this is spoiling me.
For I just had a dream you see, in which I went with Tyler to a competition and I was one of the contestants. However, Tyler found a very attractive bleach-blonde woman and started canoodling with her right in front of me. I thought they may even have had sex, which fueled my rage. I then proceeded to go to the afterparty, get completely drunk and beat the shit out of Tyler. It was strange, but realistic, aside from flying chairs.
At any rate, I awoke and the feeling of jealousy was keen throughout my body. And I wondered If there would be a time when I would be faced with this. Tyler has been getting more and more attractive (mainly from my help, if I may say so). He got a lovely hair cut, trimmed off that beard, has started to get more confidence and technique. My god, I've been turning him into an attractive man, and I wonder now if this will backfire on me. Shall I live to regret this.
And so I am here on livejournal, choosing to combat the idea of jealousy by attacking it intellectually so that I will not be bothered in the future.
I think the main problem is that I love Tyler, which is a bold statement, but I do not doubt it in the slightest, which I think is testament to its truth. I don't really feel jealousy when someone I'm simply attracted to is attracted to or making it with someone else, unless they are in a relationship and want me as much as I want them, but that's a completely different breed of jealousy.
Loving him causes me to think that someone else may steal him away from me. I become afraid because loving him causes me to need him and to miss him when he's not around. That may, in turn, cause me to feel unloved. Which would cause me to act out negatively. Which is all very hypocritical.
Therefore all I have to remember are truths. 1) I don't require affection to be lavished on me every moment in order to know that no matter what happens he still loves me, and even if he didn't, there would be nothing I could do. 2) All things come to an end anyway, and if this were to be the cause of it, it's not like it would have lasted forever. Sad but true enough to find solice in. 3) Though he is quite comfortable, I can in fact survive on my own, and perhaps would like to instead of living with the same person for my whole life. 4) Any actions that may happen in the future in no way invalidate the actions of the past and how much they meant. 5) Love and lust are limitless things, and their expression is gorgeous, no matter whether if they're with me or not. 6) It would not be wrong of him to do anything he feels. 7) It's a freedom you can allow yourself, or not. 8) Whatever happens, happens.
Perhaps this entry was a bit rash, being spawned entirely from a dream, but I thought I may as well deal with these emotions now and maintain the happiness that is being without jealousy.
Now, small little tidbits that make me happy:
Sex is ensured soon! He is getting viagra, which amuses me as well as relieves me.
We went to Disneyland yesterday and he bought me a shirt which says "I like my boyfriend but I <3 Mickey".
I am going to visit Lance in New York during the summer.
All is well.