121 // just pouring out, I don't know where it's coming from
Found on We Heart It.
I feel very...conflicted.
I feel...somewhat adrift.
I feel very tired of being uncertain.
It's been one of those nights where I'm crowded in by my thoughts and they just keep going. I can't sleep though I have to be up in a few hours. As much as I love writing and even have the arrogance to sometimes taut myself as a writer, I have 10,000 inhibitions when it comes to describing my own feelings and especially my own heartache and so I apologize for being vague. I'm not afraid to say that I'm hurting, that I feel conflicted or that I'm struggling. What I can't seem to do is figure how to say why, or what...I'm sorry for that. Maybe if I can get my thoughts together enough I will try to explain myself. But right now I really need to try and sleep, if I can.
(Going back reading this I'm afraid it sounds really corny but I'm leaving it here because I mean it, and I'm sorry if it is too...whatever.) On an unrelated note, quite a few of you on my friends list (honestly, maybe everyone who posts regularly enough for me to be in touch...) have been hitting rough patches lately, or been feeling defeated, or things like that. And I know really, really well how incredibly hollow it can sound when someone says "I'm sorry" or "I hope you feel better," because they want to be nice but they really don't have a clue. And I don't have a clue. But what I do want to say is that I love and appreciate all of you so much and it breaks my heart to see any of you feel beaten down because you're all so strong and radiant, even if you don't see it, and I'm proud to know you. And I absolutely believe that no matter what it is you will get on the other side of it and you will be okay. Sometimes, as stupid and corny as I know it must sound, I'm just walking down the street having to remind myself that I'm not going to die from it, because sometimes it literally gets to the point where you don't know how you could take one more step through the pain and survive it. It's not always that bad, but some days have sharper teeth than others, and I've spent days curled on my mattress in tears and I know the kind of pain that makes it hard to breath. And it doesn't always have to be big to make you feel defeated and fed up. And...I wish, every time I see it, that I had the words to give you back the joy that was ripped out from underneath you, to make you smile, to make it okay. But it's not okay. So I really don't have the words that mean more than I'm sorry and I hope it gets better, I've never been good at that, though I wish to God I was. What I can do is listen, and what I can say is that you are stronger than this, or this will make you stronger, and either way you will make it, you absolutely will make it. I guess I just...want to say I'm here, that I see and hear what you're saying, and it truly does hurt my heart that you're hurting, even in a small way, and if I can do anything, tell me, and I will, but I absolutely believe that you will make it through.