a small update regarding florida vacations
Ok, I'm hoping to return to the internet in a couple days. I've not been keeping up with LJ for about two weeks. I'm unapologetic about it. Its almost worth celebrating that my life has been rich and full enough that I don't need to rot on the computer. I'm terrified of my friends list which I'm sure has 600+ entries to read.
Although I believe my family is an undiscovered form of torture at times, I had a very pleasant vacation and I look forward to next year. This week is always an opportunity for introspection. Thinking about where I am in my life. Enjoy the small things. I usually get a little sad and lonely and unhappy .. but then I'm balanced out with a feeling of being a part of a loving family and that I'm cooler then everybody around me and my life is pretty awesome. Lots of ups and downs as i sleep on the beach and just listen to the constant roar of the surf.
I read the book Expecting Adam which irunfar11 recommended many many years ago to me. Its a beautiful story and I think anybody looking for an uplifting book should grab it. It seemed interesting and relevant to me because its an expecting mothers experience as she went through a pregnancy of a son who was diagnosed with downs syndrome. I needed something to refuel my spirit and moral regarding my own draining job. Plus stories about people with disabilities make me smile. For the rest of my life, the love I will feel for this population will never diminish. This book was emotional crack for me. Laughing out loud and then the next paragraph crying my eyes out - I felt so much as I waded through this book. I had the same response to the movie Up, so I know I've been emotional this whole vacation. I don't think awareness of my mood swings discredits them.
I turn 24 in 12 days. I know this is part of my moodiness. I don't like my birthday - never really have. Somehow it adds another check point in which I evaluate my failures instead of my successes. Maybe that should be my goal in these coming days. To think of all the successes I've had and not dwell on the bad. I never accomplish the resolutions I id as important. I'm never out of debt, always struggling to prove to myself that I am indeed an adult, always feeling unsure of what the next days, months years have in store. Go ahead and tell me that there is no way to KNOW how the rest of your life is going to look like - but it'd be nice to have an inkling of a clue. Will I be in another country next year? Will I be stuck in chapel hill because of a house, a dog, a cell phone contract, a love? Will I get a promotion or a new job? Will things be radically different or disappointingly the same? I want clues. Hearing what you don't want to hear is more reassuring then always being left in the dark.
Me and my mom sat in the hot tub and she out of nowhere asked if I thought getting married would make me happy. I said yes and she scoffed at me like she didn't agree! HAHAHA .. whaaaaaat?! My mother has always been the poster child of believing in true love and soul mates. Her stubborn devotion to my imperfect father has always filled me full of hope that there is an equally imperfect person out there that I will love as dearly as she loved him and not consider any other living being a possible alternative. That's why marriage wigs me out. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe you should make that commitment unless you are beyond sure that you are willing to put up with another persons bullshit and they are on the same page as you that together you can worth together through anything. Maybe I'm just scared because its so easy to change your mind, or give up, or think you've found something better. I was so sure that I wanted to spend my life with Liz and when she had her doubts and needed to date one more person before she was positive that I was the one - that just ripped a hole in my faith of another person's or even my own perseverance. I don't know how to make a relationship work anymore and I'm terrified because now more then ever I have the urge to build a life with another person. So I sat around thinking about that, thinking about how unsatisfying my relatives find their own life, thinking about happy families an the sacrifice having a child seems to present, about my cousin being pregnant and her happy marriage, about my sisters perfect appearing marriage that ended so shockingly, about how fragile we all are, about what kind of job would make me happy, about how I can make others happy. I thought a lot and I still don't know where I stand.
I do know I want cuddles and kisses from my boyfriend. I want to go out and eat cheese dip and lazily relax in the sunshine at the dog park. I want to DDR with my best friend and talk about whatever crosses our minds. I want to apply for a promotion before I go off the deep end and look for a new job. I want to sleep in my own bed.
Little attainable goals - but they make me happy. Why should I focus on the other stuff?
Although I believe my family is an undiscovered form of torture at times, I had a very pleasant vacation and I look forward to next year. This week is always an opportunity for introspection. Thinking about where I am in my life. Enjoy the small things. I usually get a little sad and lonely and unhappy .. but then I'm balanced out with a feeling of being a part of a loving family and that I'm cooler then everybody around me and my life is pretty awesome. Lots of ups and downs as i sleep on the beach and just listen to the constant roar of the surf.
I read the book Expecting Adam which irunfar11 recommended many many years ago to me. Its a beautiful story and I think anybody looking for an uplifting book should grab it. It seemed interesting and relevant to me because its an expecting mothers experience as she went through a pregnancy of a son who was diagnosed with downs syndrome. I needed something to refuel my spirit and moral regarding my own draining job. Plus stories about people with disabilities make me smile. For the rest of my life, the love I will feel for this population will never diminish. This book was emotional crack for me. Laughing out loud and then the next paragraph crying my eyes out - I felt so much as I waded through this book. I had the same response to the movie Up, so I know I've been emotional this whole vacation. I don't think awareness of my mood swings discredits them.
I turn 24 in 12 days. I know this is part of my moodiness. I don't like my birthday - never really have. Somehow it adds another check point in which I evaluate my failures instead of my successes. Maybe that should be my goal in these coming days. To think of all the successes I've had and not dwell on the bad. I never accomplish the resolutions I id as important. I'm never out of debt, always struggling to prove to myself that I am indeed an adult, always feeling unsure of what the next days, months years have in store. Go ahead and tell me that there is no way to KNOW how the rest of your life is going to look like - but it'd be nice to have an inkling of a clue. Will I be in another country next year? Will I be stuck in chapel hill because of a house, a dog, a cell phone contract, a love? Will I get a promotion or a new job? Will things be radically different or disappointingly the same? I want clues. Hearing what you don't want to hear is more reassuring then always being left in the dark.
Me and my mom sat in the hot tub and she out of nowhere asked if I thought getting married would make me happy. I said yes and she scoffed at me like she didn't agree! HAHAHA .. whaaaaaat?! My mother has always been the poster child of believing in true love and soul mates. Her stubborn devotion to my imperfect father has always filled me full of hope that there is an equally imperfect person out there that I will love as dearly as she loved him and not consider any other living being a possible alternative. That's why marriage wigs me out. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe you should make that commitment unless you are beyond sure that you are willing to put up with another persons bullshit and they are on the same page as you that together you can worth together through anything. Maybe I'm just scared because its so easy to change your mind, or give up, or think you've found something better. I was so sure that I wanted to spend my life with Liz and when she had her doubts and needed to date one more person before she was positive that I was the one - that just ripped a hole in my faith of another person's or even my own perseverance. I don't know how to make a relationship work anymore and I'm terrified because now more then ever I have the urge to build a life with another person. So I sat around thinking about that, thinking about how unsatisfying my relatives find their own life, thinking about happy families an the sacrifice having a child seems to present, about my cousin being pregnant and her happy marriage, about my sisters perfect appearing marriage that ended so shockingly, about how fragile we all are, about what kind of job would make me happy, about how I can make others happy. I thought a lot and I still don't know where I stand.
I do know I want cuddles and kisses from my boyfriend. I want to go out and eat cheese dip and lazily relax in the sunshine at the dog park. I want to DDR with my best friend and talk about whatever crosses our minds. I want to apply for a promotion before I go off the deep end and look for a new job. I want to sleep in my own bed.
Little attainable goals - but they make me happy. Why should I focus on the other stuff?