My life is...
A cruel tantalizing cosmic joke, a curse, tragically hopeless...
...or is it?
It's a creeping suspicion of mind that my life mirrors that of the Greek Tantalus' tragedy. My dreams, my friends, happiness, and the love I seek all out of reach.
I do not know why or what I have done to deserve this. I'm not particularly ugly (or am I?), I'm quite an interesting person (or am I?), my will is good (or is it?).
When I was younger, when I was particularly "religious," I always found this "unfairness" to be rather unsettling. I try to be nice, polite, and good yet I get nothing in return while the mean-spirited, the selfish, hypocrites, what have you can enjoy the simple things in life that I would like. This could be the ultimate foundation of me losing faith. Irrespective of whether objectively god/supernatural exist or not, it was rather apparent from a young age that God either seeming abandoned me, didn't care, was unfair, or etc. Eliminate the concerns of the afterlife, and my "lost of faith" was complete. I remember that once in retrospect, I found it to be a liberating feeling to be an atheist, Now in retrospect, I'm rather ambivalent. Science, logic, and rationality, while useful for describing accurately our physical world, were rather empty and dull in relation to the subjective desires, aspirations, meaning, and needs of human existence.
I couldn't say I was a rather emotional or empathetic person until I became 20 years old. Perhaps it was experience, perhaps it was maturation of the mind (caused by experience and biology), perhaps it was cannabis and psychedelics; but it was than when my feelings and the subjective truths of existence became more apparent and strong, particularly the emotions of pity, sadness, empathy, and love. It was particularly around this time where I found the importance of subjectivity in human existence; arguably more important then cold, dry "rationality;" at least I believe one cannot be truly rational human without accepting one's own subjective "Dionysian" side.
However, if the simple things in life are seeming impossible, than I guess one should "try the absurd." Live as if they were just within one's grasp, despite the fact that "Apollonian" rationality and logic dictates the unlikeliness of achieving any of it. Who knows? At least you tried, and perhaps all you needed was to attempt for it to succeed.
...or is it?
It's a creeping suspicion of mind that my life mirrors that of the Greek Tantalus' tragedy. My dreams, my friends, happiness, and the love I seek all out of reach.
I do not know why or what I have done to deserve this. I'm not particularly ugly (or am I?), I'm quite an interesting person (or am I?), my will is good (or is it?).
When I was younger, when I was particularly "religious," I always found this "unfairness" to be rather unsettling. I try to be nice, polite, and good yet I get nothing in return while the mean-spirited, the selfish, hypocrites, what have you can enjoy the simple things in life that I would like. This could be the ultimate foundation of me losing faith. Irrespective of whether objectively god/supernatural exist or not, it was rather apparent from a young age that God either seeming abandoned me, didn't care, was unfair, or etc. Eliminate the concerns of the afterlife, and my "lost of faith" was complete. I remember that once in retrospect, I found it to be a liberating feeling to be an atheist, Now in retrospect, I'm rather ambivalent. Science, logic, and rationality, while useful for describing accurately our physical world, were rather empty and dull in relation to the subjective desires, aspirations, meaning, and needs of human existence.
I couldn't say I was a rather emotional or empathetic person until I became 20 years old. Perhaps it was experience, perhaps it was maturation of the mind (caused by experience and biology), perhaps it was cannabis and psychedelics; but it was than when my feelings and the subjective truths of existence became more apparent and strong, particularly the emotions of pity, sadness, empathy, and love. It was particularly around this time where I found the importance of subjectivity in human existence; arguably more important then cold, dry "rationality;" at least I believe one cannot be truly rational human without accepting one's own subjective "Dionysian" side.
However, if the simple things in life are seeming impossible, than I guess one should "try the absurd." Live as if they were just within one's grasp, despite the fact that "Apollonian" rationality and logic dictates the unlikeliness of achieving any of it. Who knows? At least you tried, and perhaps all you needed was to attempt for it to succeed.